How dare I think that?
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| Sun, 12-18-2005 - 6:10am |
... and has anybody here ever thought the like, too? It's kind of a delicate subject, I'd understand if not many who DO have thoughts like that would not want to "out" themselves...
Hi, haven't been here for a long time, not because I changed my situation... here's the thought:
"If my parents and my cat weren't any more, I think I'd leave this man/ marriage really quickly."
Recently, I'm thinking more and more often along these lines. It feels childish and imcompetent at 46 - but there it is. My H (as I posted quite a while ago)is emotionally severely handicapped, isn't hurting with this and unable/-willing to change anything about it. We never exchange deep thoughts. If I voice my own, he listens uncomprehendingly and has no answers/ thoughts of his own. Otherwise, he is a loving (as much as he can) man, very generous and balanced.
Now, my parents were absolutely over the moon when I married him 2 1/2 years ago - they love him (and know me now in secure circumstances, which I couldn't fashion for my own). I am now, with my H financial background, able to do a lot of things for my parents; give them things they need + some they dreamt of all their lives (they never ask for anything). Their attitude towards me has changed a lot after the marriage: They acknowledge me as a "grwon-up" now, Mum doesn't meddle so much in my affairs, and so much more. I really can't see them surviving a seperation of me + H well. I had lots of affairs and some partnerships before my marriage, and they knew about almost all of these, and carried seperations s.t. harder than I did... (I'm an only child).
So, for some time now, I find myself daydreaming about how it would be if my parents were no longer here to witness what I did - and I could hurt them no longer with anything I did.
My cat (Ex-stray, and it is mine, I care solely for it. H. doesn't dislike it, but doesn't understnd my attachment to the creature) came along at the beginning of our marriage, at an especially hard time for me. We don't have children, I don't work. Dix is a very independent character, but naturally, I pour a lot of my unrequited love onto him (never forgetting it's an animal I'm dealing with). I took responsibility for his well-being, I could never consider giving it away (animal-owners will know what I'm talking about). And I can't see how I would manage moving the cat with me: It is outside a lot, can come + go as it wants, loves to roam our largish house and has apparently always lived in this vicinity. After a separation I could never afford to keep it happy. And I couldn't leave it with my H - as with me, he doesn't know the emotional requirements of this being (though much fewer than mine). If Dix was gone, I'd only be responsible for myself (my H would need about 3 weeks to adapt to living without me).
Needless to say (I still will ;-): I don't wish my parents or my cat dead.
I've just arrived at the point where my OWN security in life would not matter so much any more (it did a lot before I married). I would find a job or not, live on social security if need be, live in a 1 room-aptm. again - I could face all that, plus the loneliness on my own - it wouldn't be harder, or emotionally worse than what I'm facing now with my H.
What I can't face is the faces of my old parents when I'd tell them. What I can't face is my cat being unhappy + me not able to explain. No way can I inflict that much hurt. Not many people even know there is something amiss in my marriage - who could I tell? Most friends are so happy for my financial security, my easy life (after so many years of shakes), my "easy-going", generous, likeable H, who doesn't argue, drink, beat me, or treats me badly in any way. (They don't guess he doesn't "treat" me at all, doesn't know I'm there emotionally and, often enough, physically).
And me, myself? I've grown accustomed to the outer amenities of this life: No money worries, travel, having good shoes I can walk in (that I don't need to walk anywhere much anymore, cause I've no reason to, is another thing. I used to be a bookseller, on my toes 8 hours a day - and never any money to buy shoes my feet didn't hurt in).
I try to get along by living a life of sorts, but I don't know if I can manage to go on much longer. I don't see any options any more. I wonder if any of you do...
Thanks for any answer.
All the best for you,
M.

We have a difficult problem-please help
~ cl-2nd_life"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."
~ Author unknown
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
Welcome back, Womaninthewoods ~
I'm sorry to see that the only thing that's changed is your growing dissatisfaction, though, I don't think that's surprising, and I don't think you do either.
I think everyone who feel trapped in a marriage feels that if one thing or another were different or didn't exist they'd be free to leave. I know of women who have left with nothing more than the very clothes on their backs -- literally and I've known of a woman who left without even that -- literally naked. They left their situations, and you can too. Your parents will survive their disappointment and will survive not having the comforts your marriage allows you to afford them too. I'm betting if they thought you were staying in an unhappy situation "for their sake" they would urge you to leave. If that's the case, you're not staying based on what their wish and preference would be. I've moved cats from the utopia of a vast country farm setting where they were free to wander, bask in the sun, chase mice or lounge in the house as they pleased to a cramped, horrid, one bedroom apartment in the city where they attacked by feral cats if they went outdoors, never mind the traffic. They were upset and disoriented at first, but they grew accustomed to their environment. Throughout their disorientation and displeasure with their surroundings and situation, they were always very happy and satisfied to be with me. Your cat will need no explanation, just time and you. You matter much more to your cat than the environment he lives in.
As you know, staying in a situation you're not happy in doesn't get easier, it gets harder. The only thing you have control of what you do, what you choose. IMO, your options are no different than they were before.
~ cl-2nd_life"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."
~ Author unknown
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
Okay, so I have it straight.
when you married you were financial insecurity, you believed you were obligated to provide for your parents security in the future, you had no interests, goals, profession, or status as an individual.
You were basically 18 and out of school - only you were whatever age you are.
You owned nothing, had nothing, had pursued nothing, and had no "prospects" as a result of pursuing nothing, believing nothing, and refusing to deal with life on life's terms.
So you met this guy who's sweet, he's emotionally unavailable, he's financially solvent, and he allows you a lifestyle you'd never be able to provide on your own, and to do the things you believe will grant you reprieve or absolution for your 'previous screwed up ness" in the eyes of your parents.
So it really wasn't important to you that the deep thoughts, beliefs, and standards that you have as an individual were unrequited by him - as long as he was willing to fund the lifestyle, pat your head, and allow you unfettered blocks of time (which is probably you were developed these "deep thoughts" as you believe them to be).
So now you're entitled to someone that shares your "value" of life as an existential element....while you're technically of no worth or value outside of what you can provide and do for the benefit of others superficially - which is all thanks to his largess.
So here's what I'd suggest.
Read the following book, very short - and to the point. "The virtue of selfishness" by Ayn Rand.
That'll show you that being selfish is important, but what selfish is and is not. And how "not vital" it is to have a life partner that shares your value on the existential elements of life, and the beliefs and thoughts you hold so dear that they dictate your actions - as it is that you upgrade the world as a whole - by living up to your stndards, beliefs, and values.
You mgith find that you're more fulfilled than you thought if you'd go otu and make the woorld a better place intelligently, realistically adn responsibly - thanks to his generousity an abilities to be financialy lucrative.....rather than it is necessary for you to go and live in abject poverty due to your lack of ability to make a living and provide for your parents for approval and exoneration of your past - as you're doing now.
Basically - you were at a survival level when you two met and any attention, approval, adoration, affirmation - for anything at all - you craved it like a drug.
You now have found yourself replete with otions and the ability to, at his expense and with his permission, get the approval and affirmation from your parents as a result of thier lack of liability and custody of you and your irresponsible ways........and now you're like a fat cat at a full bowl of "I really am a good person".
You've fed yourself a line of bull - so barf it up and get real.
It's NOT necessary for you to have someone that does more than understandingly look at you when you spout off about existential thoughts and beliefs and how you think on a far superior and uplifted plane.
Now when you DO something with all this intelligence, ability and insight that changes the world....you'll get the attention and affirmation from others you want...and you'll have made a difference to the world using what you so hold as a value and worth of your own right to existence on the planet - your mind, your beliefs, your intelligence.
Because if you dump him, take the cat, cut off your parents...you're going to find yourself at a survival level again. At thier doorstep, cat in hand, but with cat scratches on your arm because the cat is displeased.........going "save me from myself, I was so stupid to overlook all I had with Dix, and think I was so superior."
Basically, your parents think that you're an irreovocably unrealistic and immature person - and they were so delighted to see him come along and want custody - they didn't know what to do except shout hallelujah and applaud.
They don't want you to live under a bridge, or in poverty - but they couldn't continue to bail you out from this unrealistic approach to life, and unrealistic assessment of self that you have.
That you're able to provide luxuries for them thanks ot this marriage is great, but that is NOT what they'd be distraught about if you two split up.
It'd be again you on the doorstep at a 50 year old woman, thinking she's better than everybody else intellectually - while being at the level and standard of living as an 18 year old who lacks self-responsiblity.
IT doesn't take brains to screw up.....it takes creative intelligence, responsibel approach, application of traits as assets rather than liabilities in the options before you - to make yourself a success if you've waited this long to realize "life is not all about me".
Erin
quickblade14@hotmail.com
Hi cl,
thanks for your answer. You're right - of course you're right. And I must have known that when I wrote. Trying to get at it from a different angle won't help here. I guess the only "help" I can get is enough "pressure of suffering", as we call it in German - and it seems, there's not enough of it yet. It must be like it often is for an alcoholic: He's got to hit rock bottom before he can think of standing up again...
But rock-bottom is not for me, yet: I prolong that coming by taking classes at a school for grown-ups, doing voluntary work in the local library, going out a lot, etc. A lot of times I feel quite fine; f.ex. when I can help needy members of my larger family (not my parents, they don't need financial support) or the world at large financially. I remember well how not being able to help in former times left me SO sad and feeling helpless...
The problem with waiting for rock-bottom is that it slowly saps the strength you'll need for a new beginning.
Other times I'm near crack-up - what prevents the latter, is that I wouldn't know where to go with my nervous breakdown. So I try to vent in what few places I have left for that purpose - one of them being this board, so that's what I did. I'm sorry if I shouldn't have, knowing deep inside my situation is not at "boiling point" yet. I thought there might be someone around in a similar situation/ with similar thoughts, just walking the maze at this time. To stay in the picture/comparison I made before: I wanted to join some AA meetings, knowing I could not stay dry at the moment, getting some new ideas. Hoping for some sympathy, although I know myself to be so weak at the moment.
Cl, the picture you're painting of the cat in a 1-room aptmt. is so horrifying to me, you can't imagine. And my parents are becoming so much feebler now. And I've had so many complete changes of life (countries, living through illnesses, changing professions etc.) that I'm still tired of them. To even start counselling, I have to wait for an unbearable pressure, I can't say "It's good for me, so I'll do it" and go.
Thanks again for your answer,
M.
Womaninthewoods, posting on this board is just fine, venting here is just fine, you were not wrong to do so. However, on this board you're much more likely to get responses based on the situation as we see it than than much in the way of hand holding. We all make changes in our own time, when it's right for us, we all have our own "boiling point".
As far as your parent's go, this is your life, not theirs. It sounds like they could stand to make the separation between the two of you a little more defined. You don't live their lives, right? Why should they have a say in yours? If they're "devastated" by a separation/divorce between you and your husband, they're in need of a bit of a reality check. Unless they're living your life, they can't know how it really is to be in your shoes, and I'll say again, I doubt if they'd want you to stay if knew you were so unhappy. Further, I'll bet they'd be horrified if they thought you were staying for them. And the one bedroom apartment and the cat? You could look at it as cozy rather than horrific..... it could be, you know.
~ cl-2nd_life"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."
~ Author unknown
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"