How to deal with DH's actions in past?
Find a Conversation
| Tue, 09-05-2006 - 2:32pm |
So Here is the background. DH and I met in August 2004. I have a son and he has a daughter. From the moment we met things were great and we quickly fell in love. The kids got along great - things were good. His parents were friendly but not really "into" DH dating anyone. In Febraury 2005 we decided to move in together and got rented a 4 bedroom home. He asked me to marry him in May 2005. I had lost my job ithe day after we signed the papers for the house and was staying at home with the kids rather than pay daycare for 2. The first few months after moving in together things were going well but then started to go downhill. Both our families became overly involved in our lives and we both became stressed. Me - because I wasn't working, didn't have "my own" money and felt like I had lost part of myself - Him - stress of being the only breadwinner, me hounding him about wedding plans and bills. We stopped communicating as well as we had at first and over the 4th of july weekend we had a blow out fight over his family changing plans we made with mine and it ended up with him leaving for 5 days and nto calling me at all. When he came back it was to tell me it was over. We split our stuff up and I stayed in the house but he agreed to pay 1/2 the rent for the duration of the lease because he knew I couldn't do it.
So he does pay the 1/2 rent and we very rarely spoke over the last year but I knew he had been dating this girl. In May I had founf some of his daughters toys in a suitcase I had to return to my parents. I remembered they were dolls that were special so I put them in a bag to drop off at his new house he bought. I had left my parents house for the last time (they were moving out of state) and was really upset but went by his place anyhow. I hadn't made it to the door when he walked out and I figured this was because his GF was home. I gave him the dolls and he asked what was wrong and I told him nothing. He said he knew I was lying because he could tell I was upset. I told him my parents were moving and he hugged me. We talked for a few minutes and he told me he had been "dumped" by this girl and whatnot. The entire time I was there he was looking at me like he wanted to kiss me and when he hugged me it was heaven. He called me that night to go out and we have been together since then. We got married in July.
So saturday I was cleaning out our filing cabinets in the office while he was working and I found a card frm his EX GF. It was dated 6/28/05 and at that moment I wasn't sure we were together or not but the card talked about how she loved his touch and kisses but it wasn't all about sex- she had a great time saturday and about an email he sent talking about the future and etc. When he got home I asked him to come into the bedroom with me and I asked him when he met her - He told me it was the weekend we had the fight that he had gone out with co-workers and met her and yes they slept together but in "his mind" we had broken up even though "I" wasn't aware. So we fought a little about this and I told him to think about whether there was anything else he needed to tell me that he may have lied about (he told me they met the august after we split originally). I gave him one chance to own up to anything else. He said there was nothing. So we got run our errands for a BBQ on sunday and the whole time I'm thinking about this card and the date and still isn't feeling right. So when we get home I pull out my dogs adoption papers (we got him together the sat. before fathers day before we slit) and it shows we got him 6/18/05. I know we had the dog more than 10 days before we split and then I remembered we broker up over the 4th of july weekend and the "sat" they were together was 6/25 - the noght he went out with a co-worker and didn't come home till 6-7 am because he got drunk (which didn't raise a red flag because he never drinks so if he did go out and drink yeah he would have gotten trashed). So I asked him BACK into the room and asked him again about the card and the date and he just kept saying "it's in the past why does this matter? we went over this this morning" and i kept asking him why he was avoiding the subject - why won't he tell me why he has a card from this girl dated while we were STILL together and he leaves the room and comes back in and says "you wanna know what happened> Yes I cheated on you with her. It happened that night I went out with co-workers and got drunk. While we were still together but we were having problems and I had never cheated on anyone before and I'm ashamed I did that. I didn't want to hurt you anymore because I had hurt you so much already when we split."
So now he keeps saying it's in the past and I tell him it's in HIS past because he's had a year to deal with this but it's in MY present. Now I can't help but think of that night and how I woke up every hour because I was worried about him but couldn't do anything because our kids were home. I'm so very hurt by this. I would defend him when people would ask if he could have cheated and I'd say no - not him. But he did and I can't stop thinking about him and this girl (who is the girl he dated while we were apart). I know he thinks this should all go away because it was a year ago but I can't get it out of my head. I still feel betrayed. I feel like I'm re-living the break up all over again but we're married now. Am I wrong to feel this way? Every one I've dated has cheated on me and I feel like this is my fault - like there is something wrong with me that drives men to this. I'm hurt and I feel stupid for defending him. and we have enough obstacles being newly married and this just adds to it!

Is this card a recent discovery? If so, I think you rehashing the incident as it happened a year ago is perfectly understandable and normal, and I also think that part of it will fade with time. I do think that you've been left with some issues that will need to be addressed -- he cheated on you while you were together. That has damaged and shaken your trust; you feel betrayed because you were betrayed, whether it was a year ago or yesterday; it's news to you and it's not something you'd ever have believed he'd do. It's shaken everything you know and believed about him. I think it's easy for him to put aside because it was a long time ago, and it's not something he really wants to dig into; who would? But your feelings and your concerns can't and shouldn't be ignored or brushed aside. I doubt he'd be quick to just forget about it if it were you who had cheated on him.
IMO, the fact that you've been cheated on by everyone you've dated is a huge indicator that you're choosing a type and/or missing some red flags that would indicate a person has the likelihood to cheat. Please put thoughts that this is your fault to rest. You cannot make someone cheat any more than you can stop someone from cheating. We all make our own choices, no one makes them for us. He's responsible for his choices, as were your past boyfriends, as are we all in every step we take. I agree that it's important for you to get yourself hooked up with a therapist as soon as possible. I do think it's important to address this issue with your husband. A year ago or yesterday, he needs to be willing to own up to what he did and take responsibility for the damage it's done to your trust, to you and to your relationship, but I think dealing with this with a therapist is the best way to start, s/he will be able to help you sort through these early feelings and help you as you process this and work with your husband to resolve the issues it's brought.
Some articles from our Information and Resources section that may be helpful to you are:
Getting Over an AffairHealing From Infidelity
Recurring Memories of Spouses Affair
~ cl-2nd_life"Experience is what you get
when you don't get what you want."
~ Author unknown
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"