How do I bring this up with my fiance?

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-02-2014
How do I bring this up with my fiance?
17
Sun, 02-02-2014 - 9:26pm

Hi everyone, 

Hope everyone's having a good superbowl Sunday. I'm in an interesting situation right now - I think my hormones might be making me over anlyze things as well. I'll give you a little bit of background about myself. I've been in the US for about 10 years now on various kinds of visas. I'm a working professionals and my fiance and I are getting married this year (he's an American). We've known each other for about 2 years now and things are going well. We live together as well.

It's about time for my visa to get renewed - and if I have my current employer renew it, I will be stuck with this employer for a while. My fiance knows how things are at my current job, and that my CEO is not the best person to work with. My fiance often tells me I should find another job. I've been actively job hunting for a while now, so that I can have my new employer sponser my visa. Job hunt has proven to be extremely difficult because very few employers hire people for whom they will have to sponser a visa. I have had a lot of positive response to my job applications, but as soon as they hear of my visa status, they stop moving forward with the application. I am extremely frustrated since the deadline to extend my visa is coming up fast. Right now my choice is to remain with my current employer and have them sponser my visa even though that would mean I would be tied to them for the next several months. It is also a dead end job and I know I would be wasting my time working there when my career could go so much forward elsewhere.

The thing that frustrates me even more is, even though we are getting married the end of this year, my fiance has never suggested we "officially" get married a little earlier so that I wouldn't have to go through with this. He knows I am extremely stressed out over this matter, and he often says "what are our choices?". And lately I've noticed that whenever I start talking about how "I think I'm resigned to talking to my current employer to sponser me", he changes the topic. I've lived on my own in a foreign country for almost a decade now, so I really don't need someone else to get a green card - but it really bothers me that the guy that I am going to marry - my best friend - he is allowing me to go through this and evading the topic completely and acting like everything is ok. I do things for him before he even asks for it!

 So I finally brought it up last week and asked him what if we got the paperwork done earlier so that I wouldn't have to stress out over staying at my current job. He was all for it and asked when we'd have to do it. He said he's ready. Since that conversation, he hasn't brought it up. So I haven't either - I didn't want to come across being pushy. So last week I told him that I was going to talk to my employer to sponsor me. He immediately got evasive and changed the topic. This really pissed me off and I just couldn't bring myself to talk to him for a day. But we ended up making up, but we never discussed why I was mad. Either he has no clue why I was mad, or he's pretending like he has no clue. I want to have a straight up conversation with him - how do I handle this diplomatically? I don't care if we get married earlier or not - and I can handle staying at my current job for the visa if I had to - but I just want to know why he's acting like this when we're completely open about everything else.

A part of me thinks the reason he doesn't want to do it is because he thinks if I got a green card, I would find it easier to find a job that is better than his... he's very competitive. Even though he's never made it obvious, I have noticed instances where he is a little hesitent to give compliments when I do something really well. Thanks in advance for your thoughts. I've been stewing over this all weekend.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2009
Mon, 02-03-2014 - 12:05am

I don' t understand the need for "diplomacy".  You brought it up, he said ok.  It's very possible he didn't even know that getting married would get your visa problems straightened out.  He said yes........so now it's time to make a date and DO it.  You make the date, and inform him when it will be.  If you can't deal with something as important as this is to you......then your relationship isn't as good as you think it is, or as you say it is. 

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-02-2014
Mon, 02-03-2014 - 7:46am

He does know the seriousnes of this... and he himself has told me that the reason I'm having so much trouble finding a job is because of my visa. I guess I'm just hurt that he is not playing a bigger role in helping me make this decision and acting enthusiastic about it... and it's bringing about a resentment in me.. ok resentment is a strong word, but I'm beginning to feel a little negativen about our relationship.. I've never felt this about him...

I know the main reason for this is because I'm bottling all this up inside and having conversations with myself rather than conversations with him.. but like I said, it would have been nicer if he wasn't evading the topic.... that makes me feel so awkward about the whole thing... and now if I just pick a date and say let's do it - it would just sound like I'm being pushy about getting the papers signed and.... that's really not how I pictured my marriage to happen... :-/

But you're right... maybe I'll just bring it up again and tell him what the procedures are. Maybe in his head he's thinking one day we can show up and get married. Each of the procedures takes time. I just looked up and apparently just getting a marriage licese can take up to 2 weeks!! Surprised We have to do this before my visa expires or I will have to go through a waiting period where I can't work - which would be bad since we split the rent. If we do it early enough, the trasition would be smooth and I wouldn't have to stop working. Ok I'm just rambling at this point. *sigh*.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-02-2014
Mon, 02-03-2014 - 7:50am

The reason I said "diplomacy" was because the last time I brought it up, he very obviously changed the topic. That was when we had a fight - well it was more like a silent fight because when he saw that I was mad, he said ok let's talk about it. But I was mad that he was evading such an important topic. So I didn't discuss it further with him. So now for me - my pride is not wanting me to bring it up again. I knowww that sounds bad. 

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Mon, 02-03-2014 - 10:16am

You need to get over this and bring it up directly with him instead of assuming how he is feeling.  You have to start saying things like "My visa expires on X date.  If we don't get married by then, I won't be able to work--and you will have to pay all the expenses."  Are you still ok with getting married before then?  I really don't want to stay at my current job.  right now you seem to be saying that you are ok with staying with the current employer.  I think you need to say that you really don't want to have your current employer renew your visa and you want to change status through marriage, not employment.  If your fiance then seems hesitant, you shouldn't give him the silent treatment--nothing will get resolved by doing that.  You have to actually say to him "why are you changing the subject when I am talking about something that is so important to me and I would hope to both of us--our marriage? Are you having second thoughts about getting married?"  That's what I would assume, not that he doesn't want you to get a better job--because after all, you are supposed to be married soon anyway so that would only be a temporary stallling tactic.  Marriage is going to be having a lot of difficult conversations and if you can't talk to each other about important things and get problems resolved, it is not a good sign for your marriage.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2009
Mon, 02-03-2014 - 11:37am

You are "assuming" he feels a certain way, and for all you know he's doing some assuming, too.  Maybe he's worried that you're not pushing it and he's thinking that YOU are having second thoughts.  Both of you are "assuming" and unless you're psychics, you don't know what each other is thinking.  Since you're not from the US, then maybe you never heard that "Assume" makes an "ass" out of "U" and "Me"! (Ass-U-Me)  If you want a successful marriage, you have to SAY what is on your mind, and hopefully he will too.  You feel he changed the subject quickly.......maybe he did, but it might have been because at that moment, he had something else on his mind that was important to HIM.  Throughout your whole life, if you want something, you have to say what you want, you cannot assume you know what another person is thinking or feeling.  What is the worst thing that might happen?  He might say he's changed his mind or he's having second thoughts.  Isn't it better to KNOW that than to wonder about it?  You bring it up by saying:  This is what we need to do......and give him dates and times.  If he knows what you want, then he'll probably DO what you want.

Avatar for mahopac
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-1997
Mon, 02-03-2014 - 1:10pm

I couldn't agree more with Musiclover and Fissatore.  You need to speak up and be clear. 

You two are facing something very important in a marriage:  learning how to grapple with a difficult decision and come out at the end of it with a result you both can live with.  This is one of the most important things a couple can learn to do, because you are going to need to do it over and over and over again.

Stop assuming and start talking!  Tell him you're hurt that he hasn't been more forthcoming, and listen to his explanation for why he hasn't.  You might be very surprised at his reasons.  If you can agree on a plan, then get moving and stop waiting for the perfect moment, response, or event.  Just do it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-18-2009
Mon, 02-03-2014 - 1:56pm
The writing is on the wall and even though its written in bold and you have read it , you dont want to accept it and are hoping that there must be something you could say or say it in a different way that could change whats written there. I have to say in a harsh way but since youve been here for 10 years, you should be knowing your way around and on a strong footing by now. You shouldnt be relying upon him for your stability etc. Its seems like you are with him only to get that job ! If he is jealous of your job etc. then he isnt going to do anything anywho . Why are you even trying ? duh !
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-02-2014
Mon, 02-03-2014 - 4:08pm

When your man can so easily turn things around for you - and not just for myself - for us... and he doesn't, but just keeps watching - that's what I feel like right now... I think the reason I feel like this is because I feel like I'm always there for him even before he has to ask me for anything.. so I expect the same from him.. but lifes not like that? Am I expecting too much?

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-29-2010
Mon, 02-03-2014 - 4:20pm

"He was all for it and asked when we'd have to do it. He said he's ready. Since that conversation, he hasn't brought it up."

Is it possible that he figures you asked, he said go ahead, and now he thinks that you will doing the footwork to get everything in place? That you'll give him a status update on the window of dates when you need to get legally married or submit a form with his signature etc?

Basically you have a couple of options for how to stay in the U.S. One of them is less desirable to you, so you have to decide if the more desirable one is worth the extra effort to make it happen by your deadline. Also there are probably expenses involved that the employer assumed in the past, do you and he agree on financial matters well and agree on by whom the fees will be paid? Since you have been managing the situation (of staying legal) for the past 10 years he can easily feel like its your job to make it happen this time too. There's not a lot of romance in this marriage scenario and whatever previous timeline you had for getting married just got thrown out so he could be feeling like this isn't about him or his desires at all anymore---do you two now intend to have some kind of church ceremony or a reception at a later date? I suggest just viewing this as a method to get your green card and taking the responsibility for it by yourself. Meanwhile you can talk to him about the lack of communication, if there is some way to make this more romantic and less of a business proposition, how would HE like things to proceed. I also think its really important right now to not let your emotions get the better of you. If he changes the topic you need to stay calm and say "honey we really need to discuss X,y, and z. Is there a reason you don't want to discuss it now? If so we need to set a time for it." instead of letting him deflect it and then getting silently upset. Then you can discuss how involved you want or need him to be in the various steps.

I can see how this is putting pressure on your relationship but this is a good experience for learning a lot about dealing together as partners.


iVillage Member
Registered: 02-02-2014
Mon, 02-03-2014 - 4:21pm

Cherry2009 - are you an immigrant? Or do you know the hardships of living in a foreign country by yourself? If not, I don't think it's fair for you to judge me for "not being on a strong footing". I am on a strong footing and and I can very well sustain myself inspite of all the harships of being a non-citizen since I was 18 (everything from getting your license renewed to finding a job is difficult 10 fold for a foreigner). And like I stated, I don't want to use this board to talk about how difficult my life is being a foreigner. Inspite of the difficulties, I love this country. I just wanted to bring it to your attention, Cherry2009, that maybe you should think a minute before being so judgemental. Have you never relied on your man for anything or been hurt when he could've done something, but he didn't and he just kept watching you struggle? What if you were shovelling snow and he just stood there and watched you? Or god forbid you asked him to help you carry in some heavy groceries for you. Are you using him for his strength? It's a give and take in a relationship. 

My biggest problem is not the visa itself. My biggest problem is that my fiance is not taking it seriously. And like musiclover, fissatore and mahopac said, I am going to talk to him about it. It's not just in the US that "assume" stands for making an ass of you and me. It's a fairly universal saying. I'm going to try to not do that again.

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