How do I fix this?

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
How do I fix this?
8
Wed, 04-02-2003 - 6:31pm
My boyfriend of about a year says that I have a wall around me when it comes to talking about my feelings for him and our relationship. I want to be able to talk to him about these things because it will make us closer as a couple. We have fights about this all the time. How do I fix this?
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 04-02-2003 - 8:54pm
You're saying that your boyfriend's correct, that you do have trouble verbalizing your feelings for him or do you just have trouble saying what he wants you to say? In other words, are you comfortable with what you say to him or do you find yourself unable to say what you'd really like to say? The reason I ask is sometimes people ask/expect actions and behavior from us that isn't appropriate. Are his expectations reasonable or is he asking from you more than you're comfortable giving, maybe more than you truely feel?

Knowing what YOU think about how you express yourself is necessary before you question can be dealt with competently.

cl-2nd_life








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Thu, 04-03-2003 - 2:35am
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Thu, 04-03-2003 - 2:42am
It's not a matter of telling him what he wants hear. It's him wanting something straight from the heart and I can't give him that. It's like I have no feelings, when I do. I just can't vocalize them like most people can. I know there's something wrong. I need to know how to start fixing it.

maria_pit

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 04-03-2003 - 5:12am
If you are certain that there are feelings within you that you can't express, no matter how hard you've tried, and no matter how much you want to - then you need some professional help. You need someone to help you discover what it is that is stopping you from openly expressing good (as well as bad) feelings you might be having. Insecurity and feelings of vulnerability are a possibility - but it also may be that the root lies in a lack of trust - legitimate or otherwise - in your b/f. There may be other reasons as well, these are just the most obvious.

What you need to remember is that as much as we like to help people on this board, there are many things we just cannot know. That's why we very often advise therapy and counseling. In your case, the possible issues and solutions are too numerous. Get some help, you'll be glad you did.

Lee M.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 04-05-2003 - 2:49am
Agree with Lee completely, nothing more to say but to echo her last -- the kind of problem you're describing can only be effectively dealt with the help of a licensed, professional therapist or counselor. It's the only way to keep your issues from causing problems in your relationship and I doubt you want to struggle for the rest of your life. Go take care of it, you'll be glad you did - I was!

cl-2nd_life








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-27-2000
Sat, 04-05-2003 - 3:06pm
Do you think he's correct? Do you have a wall built up? That's a key question you need to answer before I could give any solid response.

 


~~joannaran~~

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Fri, 04-11-2003 - 6:38pm
He is right. I do have a wall built up around me. I know what part of the problem is. I just don't want to talk about it with him. I'm afraid he'll look at me differently.

maria_pit

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 04-13-2003 - 7:55pm
????You're afraid to tell him how you feel about him because you're afraid he'll look at you differently? I don't understand. He wants you to be more open about your feelings for him, why would you be afraid he'd look at you differently? And, assuming from your reaction that you think he'd look at you negatively, I can't understand how being open with your feelings for him would cause him to think poorly of you. Unless you don't care for him as much as he does you, is that it? I'd love to help you fix this, but I'm confused, help me out!

cl-2nd_life








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"