How do I get him to get it?

Avatar for kweenie97
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-09-2003
How do I get him to get it?
Fri, 06-20-2003 - 1:33pm
I'm trying to figure out if this is a female thing or just me....but for some reason I really get bothered about the way my fiance (getting married in 9 weeks) spends time with his friends. He and I moved into a house owned by a friend of our's last July when he moved and want someone to be in the home so his brother who is half owner wouldn't destroy the home. When we moved in, we thought we'd only be there until Christmas or so because DF is finishing his masters and then we'd be moving out of state. Notice I said "is" not "was." Anyhow, we're still living in the same place and all the while the only thing standing between DF and his degree was a 6 hour exam and a 35 page paper. Now I know some of the delay has been his professors but a big chunk of it has been his procrastination. In the meanwhile, I've been working full time while he's at home sleeping during the day and up at nights. He has a monthly allowance that he will have for quite some time from the death of his parents so it's not entirely a money issue. But the money he gets won't be enough to live on and pay his student loans.

To compound things, the friend whose home we live in has been coming up to visit at least once a week for the past few months and usually stays at least over night. He sometimes arrives very late and he and DF usually are not very quiet. I've tried to tell them how loud they are and they don't seem to understand that I have to sleep so I can work the next day. It doesn't seem to be understood. And sometimes he comes up in the afternoon and I come home to an empty house with no note and no communication from him. They usually go out to eat, or to a movie, or hang out with other people at another friend's house and are gone for quite awhile. Part of what bothers me about this is that I'm rarely if ever included. I can understand going with just the guys sometimes but it'd be nice to at least be invited to dinner on occassion. It also doesn't help that when he does happen to come when I have the following day off, there is no where for me to go when I wake up because DF is sleeping in our bedroom and the friend is sleeping on our living room couch. So then I can't even get things done at home or feel like I can enjoy my day off without feeling displaced. :(

DF says he has come to just expect tears and pouting from me when he's with his friends. I've tried to tell him that I wouldn't be so resentful if he would make an effort to let me know what he's doing, let me know when this friend is coming so I can try and make my own plans for that night, include me on occassion, and spend some nice time with me after his friends are gone. It would also help if I felt like our life was moving in him finishing his program, getting a job, moving into our own place, etc. I also resent having to ask repeatedly for him to finish the very few things I have asked him to do for our wedding.

Other than these areas, our life is really great. I love him very much and love spending time with him. Any advice on working through this?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 06-20-2003 - 2:04pm
there's nothing for him to "get" or to "work thru".

There's alot for you to accept and to alter your perception about.

He doesn't want the degree and to work - at least not by your timeframe based on a shared values, priorities, boundaries and goals agenda.

He doesn't want to be any more considerate of your need for sleep given your work requirements when his friends are around.

People do what they do because they want to do it. Their values, priorities and boundaries justify and entitle their actions, feelings, thoughts, decisions, words, ideas, and desires. Those same values determine their character, conscience, integrity and honor.

He's doing what he wants to do, because he wants to do it, and he'll continue to do it until he doesn't want to do it.

Accept it. YOu can like or hate it - that doesn't undermine your option and ability to simply "accept what is as something you cannot change, and assess whether or not you wish to live with this, as is - given you cannot change him or it."


iVillage Member
Registered: 06-16-2003
Fri, 06-20-2003 - 4:33pm
It doesn't sound like you have a problem that's too big to solve. Time will help, but getting some control over your own space will too. You two will work this out as your relationship develops because it will crop up in other areas - not just while you're living in this guy's house, not just while he is in school. But as long as your current frustration comes from not having your own space (I think you want to be living a little more like a "grown up" couple than you are!), then you might find some relief in planning (both of you, not just you) to move to a new place. The issues won't be solved, but it will be a lot easier to work them out when it's just the two of you there, and you will find yourself on more solid ground if you have a place to call your own. When you're on more solid ground, you'll be able to have a better perspective on things.

He may not have the same views about the current living arrangement that you do, and that's ok, but in case like this, your needs are the ones that have to be met for the relationship to do well. Otherwise you'll keep living there and he won't really care but you'll still be suffering. That's not good.

Good luck!


Avatar for jenniferstell
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-14-2003
Fri, 06-20-2003 - 4:52pm
My husband and I have been attending marriage counseling to work out some very tough issues that we have. One thing that I have learned in therapy is that men and women see things very, very differently. Add into that the way you were raised versus the way he was raised and things become even more complicated. Your boyfriend may not even realize that you feel so hurt. First, calm down and try to think of his point of view. Second, sit the man down and really tell him how you feel. Tell him calmly and without accusing. Make sure that you own your own feelings. Alot of men don't react well to accusations and overly emotional conversations. Try it and see what happens. If you can't communicate with him now, you will have serious problems in your future together!
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 06-20-2003 - 9:23pm
I couldn't disagree more with the notion that "things will work out." Certainly, there's a chance of that - but not much of one. Do you want to risk your future on a (not so good) chance? I wouldn't.

9 weeks is plenty of time to stop wedding plans and take some time to assess what is happening. I wouldn't advocate for such a drastic course except that it sounds as though you have already tried to "talk" to him about these issues, and he's clearly not listening. Maybe he needs a wake-up call.

Please understand. I'm not saying to call off the wedding IN ORDER TO wake him up. I'm saying that postponing the wedding would give you some time to figure out what his intentions are - toward you, toward his life, toward the future. It certainly sounds as though any discussions you had about goals and plans before your engagement gave you a much different impression of what he wanted than his actions now give you. That's the kind of drastic change you need to carefully consider before walking down the aisle. Of course, postpoing the wedding will also give you a chance to watch his reaction. You could learn a great deal from that observation.

I do agree with the other posters, however, that you also have the option of "accepting" this behavior and lving with it. You just need to absolutely certain that you can do that before making the final decision to go through with the marriage.

Good luck to you.

Lee M.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-20-2003
Wed, 06-25-2003 - 1:23am
I agree with both Lee and Doubleblade on this one.

I think you should call the wedding off and figure out if you can live your life with someone who may never move forward with his education or career, may never be considerate of your feelings, may never include you as much as you want him to in his life, may never *really* listen to you when you talk, may always accuse you of being whiny and b*tchy just because he doesn't value your opinion or your feelings, and the list goes on and on. You can't change anyone but yourself, and you sure as heck can't change the way this relationship is *alone*. If he doesn't think there is a problem, and you do, I would really spend some serious time thinking about what I wanted out of life, a partner, and what I want to accomplish within the next 5-10 years. Can you honestly see yourself living like this, with a man who doesn't show any compassion towards your feelings? It's not that he doesn't understand, it's all about him not caring enough about you to even consider it. You can't make someone think what they are doing is wrong if they honestly don't feel that way. Call off the wedding before you set yourself up for misery and a divorce. You deserve better than to jump into something without evaluating the situation, and if you do, you will be making a HUGE mistake. It's much better to abstain from doing things than to try and fix all of the mistakes after you have done them.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2003
Wed, 06-25-2003 - 5:46am
This falls under the heading of Love *not* conquering all.

I won't repeat what's already been said, but please don't go into this marriage thinking that these are issues that you'll be able to resolve once you're married, because it simply won't happen.

I made the mistake of marrying my husband thinking that some of his bad habits would be *fixable* in the fullness of time. I put some of his more selfish behavior down to not having been *taught* the right way to behave due to a dysfunctional childhood. I thought that the many issues we had would resolve themselves in time, that we'd work on things (which we tried to with a counsellor) and that we'd get there in the end.

It didn't happen, because for the most part, people DO NOT change. Yours is a much larger issue than it appears. Your fiance is living the life of a college student and doesn't seem at all interested in changing that. Marriage certainly won't change that, nor will infinite amounts of begging and pleading.

Can you accept your relationship and his attitude towards your feelings as it all stands now? If the answer is no, think very carefully about going forward with your wedding.

Sorry I can't be more positive, but I've been there, bought the t-shirt and am now a single mother!

I wish you all the best.

Peace & Love, Pebbles xox

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-29-2003
Wed, 06-25-2003 - 9:46am
You're getting married in 9 weeks to a guy who: won't finish school, doesn't work, is living on an inheritance, is letting you work, is spending his nights hanging out with his friends, is spending more time with his friends than with you, who invalidates your feelings by telling you he "expect tears and pouting"?

You wrote 3 long paragraphs describing the concerns of this relationship, and at the end you wrote a short sentence saying your life is great? I see some contradictions here, and they are serious enough for you to think very hard about what you're about to do. Marriage is not going to change anything. If anything, it will make this situation worse.

Your fiance is not ready for a commitment of any kind. He has not committed to finishing school. He hasn't committed to a job or career. He's not even really committed to you. He may go ahead and marry you, but his lack of obligation to anything other than playing is probably not going to change. It will be you, sweetie, who will be carrying the load of responsibility for as long as you're with this man. While there's a remote possibility he could change, I would say that if he's old enough to get a master's degree and he still has no sense of follow-through or responsibility, chances are it will be a very long time before that happens, if ever.

As some other posters said, you can either accept him the way he is or find someone who is more on the same page with the way you view things. I hope you take a good hard look at this before you enter into marriage. These issues you have are perfectly valid, and they should be resolved one way or the other BEFORE you get married.