How Do I Get Past the Hurt?

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-14-2003
How Do I Get Past the Hurt?
6
Sat, 05-17-2003 - 4:42pm
My husband and I recently had a major problem, that is weighing me down. First off, we've only been married a year and a half. For the last six months, he has only "graced" me with sex once a month. I'm 45 and he's 53. Well, I started getting suspicious that something else was going on. Trying to calmly talk to him yielded nothing, except his turning things around and his saying the problems were all my fault. Well, my suspicions got the better of me, and I snooped on his computer and in the spare room that he uses (he works nights and sleeps there), and found pictures of nude children and quite a few porno magazines. I went ballastic and after not talking to him for 3 days (my anger was too great), I confronted him and he swore that it was nothing and he would give it all up. I now know that he has done this before we met, while we were dating and in our marriage. As I said, he swears it's over, but I have my doubts.

Now, what I would like to know is whether or not it is possible that he can just give up those things (as sick as they might be). He hurt me so much, and wants me to put things behind me and go forward. I want him to go for therapy, but he sees no need for it because he swears it's over. I'm totally confused and wonder if I should just look forward and not back. I am not one to give up easily, but am wondering if he's worth the effort.

Any and all input would be appreciated. Thank you.

Rose

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-01-2003
Sat, 05-17-2003 - 8:13pm
Any man who has child porn is a danger who needs immediate help. He MUST get therapy NOW. It is not something he will just "get over", just like you could not "get over" liking the things that turn you on. IMHO, he is not worth being with if he refuses help. He knows what he is doing is wrong, otherwise he would not have hidden it from you. Not only is it a sign of a morally bankrupt individual, it is also illegal and he could get serious prison time for it. If he will not get help, I suggest that you turn him in so that he is not a danger to the children in your area. If you were aware that he had it in his possession and did nothing about it, you could be in trouble, too.

April

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-14-2003
Sat, 05-17-2003 - 8:38pm
Thank you, April. I couldn't have agreed more. In fact, this afternoon, I told him that he should still go for help, but he keeps swearing that it's over and that there's no need for him to go. I had gone to the police, but hubby found out I knew before I could get any info together, and he deleted everything from his system. Okay, maybe I'm just cynical or just hesitant, but I tend to doubt someone can just "give up" a dalliance like that. I'm being very cautious now and, God help me, I keep looking for more clues. If I see anything, and I mean anything at all, that's it for me (and him). No more chances for him.

Thanks again for your input.

Rose

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-01-2003
Sat, 05-17-2003 - 8:56pm
Police can confiscate his computer and search the hard drive. Even if he deleted it, it is still on his computer. It's good that you have gone to them, though, so they know that you are not his accomplice, and that you don't share an interest in his perversions. I hope that he is telling you the truth, but somehow I doubt it. I wish you luck! Remember that you are being strong for people who are defenseless.

April

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 05-18-2003 - 3:16pm
You say you knew he was into child pornography before you met and while you were dating, it should be no surprise to you that it's continued. Clearly, this was not a one-time thing, it was - and is - a part of him. Considering that he didn't acctidently land in a child porn website once, close it and walk away it's not likely or logical to think he'll stop cold.

This kind of behavior labels your husband as a sex offender and the kind of treatment he needs to seek is sex offender treatment. However, unless he WANTS to change his behavior it won't do him any good to go. It takes real work and a strong desire to keep from doing the things you want to do, unless he has that desire he won't do it, period.

You don't mention whether your sex life has changed or if it's always been infrequent, I get the feeling you're saying it's become more infrequent and that this is due to his child porn viewing. If that's the case - and if that's true - it indicates his addiction to child porn; meaning he's more intersted in viewing (or perhaps actual) sexual contact with children to a sexual relationship with an adult woman. Think about that. From what you've said though, it doesn't sound like you really have any idea how much (or little) he's been viewing the porn, making it impossible to connect to a change in your sex life.

This isn't something he's going to "get over" or "get passed". IF he wants to change, this is something he'll have to battle his entire life, like alcoholism, there is no cure.

You might want to consider what it means to be attached to someone with a penchant for children portrayed in a sexual way and perhaps moving on to actually committing sexual acts against children himself. You have to know that the real children depicted in the sites and magazines he has are being physically hurt and assaulted and emotionally destroyed. He is supporting this and "helping" more children meet with the same fate. This is not a relationship I could accept or stay in.

For more views on the subject, you may want to check in with the Parentsoup Channel's Families Damaged by Pornography board: http://messageboards.ivillage.com/iv-psfamporn and hope you seriously consider what a life with this man means.

cl-2nd_life








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-14-2003
Sun, 05-18-2003 - 8:05pm
Hi! Thank you so much for your helpful and insightful response. Yes, I did see porn pics (both of children and adult women) before we got married, but he swore that was just a passing thing (and I bought it, stupid me). That's why it surprised me so much to see it again. Like I said, I was stupid to have believed him from the start. I did tell him again yesterday that he should go for counseling, but he still swears (again) that it's over. Needless to say, I don't believe him. He now thinks that everything can go back to "normal", as he told me that I should put it all behind me. I even went so far to believe that maybe things could and would go back to normal.

Before we married and in the beginning, our sex life was good and frequent. Now, as I wrote, it has disintegrated into a once a month thing. I agree wholeheartedly with you that this is not something that the average person can just "give up". So, I take everything he says with a grain of salt and want to get my proof again (he thinks he so smart, but he'll goof up again, in the long run). At the moment, I can't just divorce him, as I'm looking for a job and can't afford it right now. I agree it's a sickness, but without proof, there's not much I can do. He has already cleaned off his temporary internet files, so there isn't anything to fall back on.

He don't think he realizes that Netscape has a history page, which I accessed tonight, and saw that he went into a porn site (not kiddie porn, I'm pretty sure). He'll keep doing it, and then I'll see it and have the proof. I have no hesitation to go to the Georgia Bureau of Investigation and have it go further.

Thank you again. It helps to have this support, as it keeps me strong.

Rose

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-19-2003
Tue, 05-20-2003 - 11:09am
Wow, what a mess you're in. I believe that internet porn addiction can be fought but addiction to specific porns like this go much deeper, maybe something in his childhood. If he isn't willing to go into counseling with you you should go by yourself. Ask yourself how horrible it would be if he ever acted out those fantasies on a child visiting in your home. Best advice I can give you is not to avoid this in the hopes it'll get better on it's on. He may just get sneakier about it. Also, you can install Software for Parents that can be bought via the internet and downloaded if you feel you need to check further.