How do u get past betrayal?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-21-2006
How do u get past betrayal?
16
Sun, 05-21-2006 - 3:05am

I just recently found out that my boyfriend of 8 years has been secretly talking with a woman that he met on a chat line. Over the past year or so, we’ve been having some intimacy and relationship issues that have led me to become disinterested in sex. As a result we rarely have sex anymore – probably only a couple times a month. I’m aware this makes him feel rejected, hurt, and unwanted. We’ve had a few conversations about the topic with me explaining that I need to have emotional attraction before I can feel any sexual attraction. Yet, he doesn't exactly act romantically towards me or acts like he wants me - it's only when he wants to have sex. And, that's a part of why I feel a lack of interest. Granted, we haven’t exactly done anything to work out our problems short of having a few (often heated) discussions that end in a lot of head nodding but no action. I just would never had thought that he would’ve resorted to something like this.

After numerous denials – after A LOT of poking and prodding – he finally came clean and told me all the details. He said that he’s been engaging in explicit sexual conversation with her that’s been going on for less than 3 weeks – he talks to her for about 1/2 hour, watches some porn, pleasures himself, then goes to bed. He swears up and down that it’s never gone beyond sexual conversations on the phone and that he’s never met with anyone in person. He promises that he would never cheat on me and that he never has – but why can’t I help but feel like I’ve been cheated on already? I mean, it’s not like this was some 900 number – this is an actual person who lives within driving distance. He promised to end the conversations and stop going to chat lines, but is that gonna be enough to solve things?

Being aware of our situation, I can understand his feelings and actions (but not excusing them). He begged me to stay with him and reasoned that he only did it because of our lack of a sex life. He explained that it had nothing to do with wanting to be with another person – that he wasn’t fantasizing about what he was doing to them, instead it was more about what he wishes I would do with him. I want to believe that he hasn’t met with anyone in person, but the devil on my shoulder is planting the seed of doubt since it would be so easy.

I love him so much – I wouldn’t have spent the last 8 years of my life with him if I didn’t – but I’m just so confused, hurt, and feeling betrayed. I have so many questions – do I keep prodding him on the subject? Should I believe him that he hasn’t been physical with anyone and that this is only for stimulation? How do I regain my trust in him? Should I forgive him? How do we even begin to rebuild our intimacy now? Is this even cheating or am I just overreacting? Is this ALL my fault? Any advice – especially from those of you who’ve lived through or are living through similar situations – would be GREATLY appreciated!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-27-2004
Sun, 05-21-2006 - 3:18am
The problems in your relationship go much deeper than his conversations with this woman, and they began before he started talking to her. You need to deal with and resolve the other problems (the relationship and intimacy issues), so both of you can feel comfortable and your sex life will return to normal. What are you doing to tackle these problems?
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Sun, 05-21-2006 - 10:16am

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WHOA! Red flag city! This guy has a problem and it has NOTHING to do with your sex life. OKay, so he only started talking to her 3 weeks ago. The question then becomes when did the porn usage start, has it progressed, and was doing sex chats online and on the phone a progression of it? He is taking no responsibility for it either.

I will say that right now especially, I'm more sensitive to the porn issue. I just found out my H has a problem with it. For me, any porn use in unacceptable. He said that while he was actually using porn he would reason that if we were having sex more then he wouldn't have to use porn. This was before he realized he had a problem. Once he realized, on his own, that he had a problem, he realized that HE had chosen to use porn and our relationship problems, while maybe making the option more attractive, were NOT what made it okay to do what he did.

YES, if you feel this is cheating, then it's cheating. Would you feel that you were cheating if you did the same thing to your BF that he did to you? It is NOT your fault. Not having sex is NOT what sent him to seek another woman to chat with so he could pleasure himself. In talking with my H I have worked on seeing just HOW much time he would spend looking at porn, etc. The thing that struck me is that if he had taken the same amount of time he took to find porn, etc and used that time to talk with me and spend time with me and our relationship, then our relationship would have been soooo much better. He chose to go another route and NOT work on the relationship. He chose a rather selfish route, and so did your boyfriend. Just what would have been the result if he had spent a half an hour talking to you and then spent time with you? I bet you would have felt more open to the idea of sex. But he chose to go elsewhere.

I feel that my H, even though there were no "live" women involved, cheated on me and on our marriage. It's going to take a lot to win trust back and for me to feel secure again. But he's gone a long way already in that he accepts responsibility for his choice and while he can identify reasons why he did what he did, he still acknowledges that it was HIS CHOICE to do what he did. That, and really, truly stopping before I found out about it.

Let us know how you are doing.

Jen

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-15-2005
Sun, 05-21-2006 - 12:14pm

I agree with Geo that the problems you two are having go way deeper that his chatting.

Photobucket
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-13-2006
Sun, 05-21-2006 - 12:54pm

mago22,

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There. That is your (and his together) problem. This girl and his talking to her is a secondary problem that reared it's head because of the main problem.

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That's for you to decide. What does your GUT, not your heart, tell you.

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Has he done anything to change his behaviour since you got the truth out of him or is he continuing?? If he's changed then there is a sign that he really wants to work this out with you. As for regaining trust, it will be hard and it will be hard to forgive him because you will never forget this. With that though if you decide to forgive and work this out with him you MUST TRY. Don't stay with him and then become mean, take things out on him and constantly remind him of what he did. If you want to work this out you are going to have to take the past and lock it away.

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You are just going to have to do it. Start small though. Like make him dinners, having it ready when he gets home. Make his lunch for him. Leave him little notes. Pack a picnic and go to the park. Take walks. If you put forth effort he will too.

Best of luck,
defleppardgal

Defleppardgal

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-21-2006
Sun, 05-21-2006 - 3:30pm

First, I wanted to thank everyone who's responded. It's really helpful to get insight from people who can look at the problem objectively. Well, this just recently came to light so we're still in that stage of "shock and awe" and A LOT of confusion. We still don't know what to do, but I did speak with him again last night, following my gut instinct that I didn't know the whole story. Sure enough he admitted that he went to meet with her in person, but realized that when he arrived he didn't know what he was doing, got scared, had a quick conversation with her, and drove off. He says that he didn't so much as get out of the car b/c he freaked out and that he doesn't even know why he went so far as to meet with her. For any of you guys out there, is that even possible or just an excuse? I'm really trying to understand things from a male POV, hoping that it might help matters.

Is it "normal" for him to be hesistant and defensive due to his embarrassment and guilt? He says he's afraid to tell me and also frustrated that I keep asking the same questions when he knows that there's not gonna be a change in answers (about physically cheating). I can understand that, but yet I don't know how else to go about getting the whole truth from him. I'm trying to foster an environment where he feels safe to tell me everything without feeling like I'm going to just get up and run, because I know the thing he fears the most is me leaving him (that's probably the only thing I'm sure of at this point). What else can we do? We're in really unchartered territory - I don't even know where to begin!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Sun, 05-21-2006 - 4:44pm

My H and I were talking about your situation. His opinion is that it is entirely possible that your BF did decide to flake and didn't follow through. However, he thinks it would be more realistic if your BF flaked completely and left without having a conversation instead of having a conversation and leaving. Keep in mind that these are all speculations on our part.

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Sure, that could be normal. I think a lot would depend on HOW hesitant he was. I know that my H will be hesitant at first and then seem to be relieved that he doesn't have to work at hiding it anymore. But that's my H. And I also KNOW when I've gotten the whole truth out of him, usually.

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That is a red flag to me. If he were sorry, truly sorry, and really understood what damage he had done, and really loved you, then he would understand that you would be asking questions, and a lot of them. Goodness knows I've spent the last week asking my H question after question after question, and some of them repeated. Not once has he gotten upset because he understands that what he did HURT me and our relationship. And he understands that I need to ask the questions and he's willing to put up with whatever it takes for me to feel better. If he's getting too frustrated then I think it's because there is something else going on. Even if it is that he doesn't really think he did anything wrong.

If your gut tells you that this is a bunch of hogwash and that he's still holding back, trust it. IMO, I think he gave you just enough to try and get you to leave him alone, not that he was coming clean or felt remorseful. But then again, I don't know him and I'm just speculating.

Jen

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2004
Sun, 05-21-2006 - 6:05pm

Hi Mago22! I agree with those who've said that the underlying causes of him doing this is what really needs to be addressed.

With this in mind, I suggest that you stop questioning him about what he did/didn't do and together focus on fixing those underlying causes. Spend your time and energy addressing what can be changed and leave alone what can't.

Also, I've just been on another board and have seen a post that is the opposite of yours. It may give you some insight into what he was feeling when he got himself into the situation. (This poster feels undesired by her partner and is enjoying attention from other men) http://messageboards.ivillage.com/n/mb/message.asp?webtag=iv-rlguytalk&msg=25533.1 You may find the advice that this poster receives is helpful to you too.

Dress Up Games, Doll Makers and Cartoon Dolls @ The Doll Palace
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Sun, 05-21-2006 - 10:39pm

At the beginning of your post you said, "Over the past year or so, we’ve been having some intimacy and relationship issues that have led me to become disinterested in sex. As a result we rarely have sex anymore – probably only a couple times a month. I’m aware this makes him feel rejected, hurt, and unwanted." and then at the end "I love him so much – I wouldn’t have spent the last 8 years of my life with him if I didn’t – but I’m just so confused, hurt, and feeling betrayed."


The problem here is that because neither of you addressed the earlier problems, your relationship is now spinning out of control.

Photobucket

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-14-2006
Sun, 05-21-2006 - 11:08pm

OK here is the male perspective....

He is way way down the path of cheating. He has found a way to find someone, test driven the process in his head (including the masturbation) and has gone as far as meeting her. IF he is not lying and he got nervous (possible), he will be less nervous the next time and it is only a matter of time (and a short amount I bet). It is a stepped process for him and he is close to the last step. If the two of you don't call a total and immediate TIMEOUT and focus on this relaitonship, he will go the last step and I suspect as much as you feel he has already cheated this will take it to a whole new level (for both of you).

I can't speak to all your feelings with regards to how you two got into this situation in the first place (he may be a total jerk) but I can tell you this in general.....

I think many women think of sex as just one part of the relationsip. If is different for men. Sex = love and it is at the core of the relationship. Assuming a normal sex drive, a man will eventually find a way to fulfill this need if he is not getting it at home. This may sound harsh and like he is some kind of animal, but the bottom line is that he will never feel loved if this part of the relationship is not working, no matter what else seems to be.

I have been there. I did not have sex with another woman until after I separated (although I thought about it constantly leading up to the separation). I can also tell you once I did have sex with another woman my marriage was DEAD --- there was no way I was going back to deal with all those issues and years of feeling unloved after I found someone that gave me what I craved without all that baggage. This outweighed the negatives of divorce that I knew I would have to deal with (it was not even a close call). Again it may sound selfish but when you are not feeling loved it is a pretty deep issue.

My message is ACT NOW and IN A BIG WAY, cause it sounds like this one is a whisker away from going down a path that it is very very hard to return from.

Good luck, P.

P.S. I did have to (and did) deal with all those issues from my marriage, eventually, to be able to move on and be ready for a healthy relationship.....could not see it at the time though, was obscured in my desire for sex and love.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 05-22-2006 - 1:14am

What he's been doing, Mago22, is choosing to put his attention elsewhere, and get his sexual needs met elsewhere, rather than to do the work to resolve the issues in your relationship so that his needs can be met there. Not a great thing. He's sorry, he swears nothing happened, etc., that's all great, but what does he plan to do from here? That's the key. Whether he "did anything" or not he most certainly betrayed your relationship. Whether it was spoken or not, clearly, seeing others is not okay. And just as clearly, talking to others in a sexual way is not okay. Whether what he did was physical or verbal (typing), he was sharing things with someone else that should not have been shared with anyone outside your relationship. He can argue that if he wants, but if he does, I'd ask him, "So, it would be okay if I had these conversations with another guy?". Cheating is more than physical, and so is betrayal. You have every right to feel as you do.


I know your post is primarily concerned about his online chat, and I completely understand and agree with your concern, but just as concerning should be the fact that he's choosing to use porn and masturbation as a way to satisfy himself instead of working to make his relationship happy. Obviously, if his relationship was happy, he wouldn't need the porn or the masturbation. What that tells you is that he prefers to take care of things the easy way and let the relationship continue to be much less than it should be.


You now have two important reasons to see a couples counselor. 1) To address the betrayal issue. 2) To address the problems in your relationship and resolve them. Is he willing to do that? If not, I strongly urge you to see a therapist on your own. Being faced with betrayal and cheating is something that can stay with you for the rest of your life, continuing to affect you and every relationship you have. Addressing the problem and resolving it within yourself is important. This isn't something you should be carrying around with you for the rest of your life. Here are some links to articles that deal with cheating and with "friends", online or real life. I think they'll help:


Getting Over an Affair
Healing From Infidelity >
Recurring Memories of Spouses Affair

Is it just friends or infidelity?
Is It Cheating?









~ cl-2nd_life

"Experience is what you get
when you don't get what you want."

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