How do u get past betrayal?
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| Sun, 05-21-2006 - 3:05am |
I just recently found out that my boyfriend of 8 years has been secretly talking with a woman that he met on a chat line. Over the past year or so, we’ve been having some intimacy and relationship issues that have led me to become disinterested in sex. As a result we rarely have sex anymore – probably only a couple times a month. I’m aware this makes him feel rejected, hurt, and unwanted. We’ve had a few conversations about the topic with me explaining that I need to have emotional attraction before I can feel any sexual attraction. Yet, he doesn't exactly act romantically towards me or acts like he wants me - it's only when he wants to have sex. And, that's a part of why I feel a lack of interest. Granted, we haven’t exactly done anything to work out our problems short of having a few (often heated) discussions that end in a lot of head nodding but no action. I just would never had thought that he would’ve resorted to something like this.
After numerous denials – after A LOT of poking and prodding – he finally came clean and told me all the details. He said that he’s been engaging in explicit sexual conversation with her that’s been going on for less than 3 weeks – he talks to her for about 1/2 hour, watches some porn, pleasures himself, then goes to bed. He swears up and down that it’s never gone beyond sexual conversations on the phone and that he’s never met with anyone in person. He promises that he would never cheat on me and that he never has – but why can’t I help but feel like I’ve been cheated on already? I mean, it’s not like this was some 900 number – this is an actual person who lives within driving distance. He promised to end the conversations and stop going to chat lines, but is that gonna be enough to solve things?
Being aware of our situation, I can understand his feelings and actions (but not excusing them). He begged me to stay with him and reasoned that he only did it because of our lack of a sex life. He explained that it had nothing to do with wanting to be with another person – that he wasn’t fantasizing about what he was doing to them, instead it was more about what he wishes I would do with him. I want to believe that he hasn’t met with anyone in person, but the devil on my shoulder is planting the seed of doubt since it would be so easy.
I love him so much – I wouldn’t have spent the last 8 years of my life with him if I didn’t – but I’m just so confused, hurt, and feeling betrayed. I have so many questions – do I keep prodding him on the subject? Should I believe him that he hasn’t been physical with anyone and that this is only for stimulation? How do I regain my trust in him? Should I forgive him? How do we even begin to rebuild our intimacy now? Is this even cheating or am I just overreacting? Is this ALL my fault? Any advice – especially from those of you who’ve lived through or are living through similar situations – would be GREATLY appreciated!

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I copied this from one of the posts because I agree and disagree with it all at the same time. When I read this, and the surrounding context, I felt as though it was saying that if someone didn't have sex with their H or SO and then the man cheated, it was the woman's fault. Knowing the poster, I know this isn't what they meant to say, though it is how I read it the first time through.
As much as sex is something men need to feel loved, no one should feel like they have to have sex in order to keep someone around (and just for that purpose.) I agree that men have a very difficult time feeling close and loving without the intimacy. HOWEVER, it in no way, shape or form should leave to cheating if they have a "dry spell" (though in this case I know it was longer.) He should have the character to either leave the relationship or control himself. AND THEY CAN. Do NOT feel that you not having sex is the reason why he cheated. He had JUST AS MUCH responsibility to work on things and make it better and HE CHOSE NOT TO. He chose to take the easiest way out. His relationship infidelities are HIS responsibility. I don't care how evil and awful the other partner is, a person should have basic moral standards that they would never cross, no matter what. Ie, I would NEVER cheat on my H, no matter how much of a butt he is. It wouldn't cross my mind because cheating is NOT an option. Leaving would come first.
Yes, sex is important for men. Yes, if you feel like it wouldn't be an awful thing, you should try to up that for him. But NOT having sex is NOT a reason to cheat. Ever.
Jen
I certainly did not mean that someone can cheat and blame their spouse and that is okay.
<< If she wants to totally ignore his needs and only focus on her own needs, then I see this problem getting worse, not better.>>
I agree. 100%. If she wants to save the relationship then she will have to give, especially in the area of not necessarily wanting sex. And now there is the added problem of "does he have a porn/sex problem?" on top of it all?
Jen
It is a difficult cycle to break cause male and female brains work opposite on this one.
The cheating is a symptom of a situation that they are both at fault for getting into, however, it is a choice and can never be justified based on the other person's actions.
He needs sex to feel loved and want to work through the issues --- if you feel loved then you are motivated, if not then it is a lot harder.
She needs to feel loved to want to give herself sexually and to her this means fixing these other intimacy issues. Again if she feels loved then she is motivated, if not then it is harder.
Not feeling loved is a powerful emotion....men and women have shown that they will risk everything they have to try to change this negative state. I agree that unless they both can understand the other's perspective and meet somewhere in the middle it will be difficult to move it in the right direction.
P.
UPDATE: Again, I just wanted to say “thank you” to everyone for your advice. I just want everyone to know that I’m really taking in what everyone has to say – whether I agree or not – because it’s really given me a different perspective on it all.
I’m starting to see myself as less of a victim, which I know I was doing in many other aspects of our relationship. That may be a part of our problem. Maybe I was focusing so much on how bad he was making me feel instead of also considering what it was I was doing badly to him as well. As another poster stated, “You have a classic scenario of 'you aren't loving me the way I want so I'm not going to love you the way you want'. Assuming a role of 'I'm right' rarely resolves a conflict - it often makes it worse.” That statement made me realize that in a way I guess you could say I was retaliating against him for the lack of attention, as well as other things that I thought I wasn’t getting from him. Not that I’m excusing what he did, I know it was wrong. But, after having a really long conversation yesterday, he’s expressed to me how wrong he knows it is what he did. Basically, he broke down – a lot of things were expressed on his part that I didn’t even realize (or maybe failed to realize) what was going on with him and what it is I was doing to him as well. As cliché as it is, I just felt like we had a breakthrough.
I also finally summoned up the courage to call the woman he was speaking to. I don’t know if it was wrong on my part, but I had to hear her side of the story – I needed some reinforcement that what he was telling me could be corroborated. I know it may sound like I’m policing him, but I knew that for me if the details would match up I could finally feel that he was willing to be totally honest. For the most part, everything matched to what he had told me. She confirmed how they met, how long they’d been speaking, that they did meet in person – and most importantly she told me that they never got physical. She said that she wasn’t thinking of getting physical with him and only considered their talking to be just more of a “friendship” – that being physical wasn’t a consideration. The date, time, and what occurred at their meeting also matched his account – that she was waiting outside when he came over, that he only stayed in his car, that they spoke for a while and then he left. There are however some details that they don’t agree upon that may just have to do with one person’s recollection of what was said or not – those are things that I can never prove, and I don’t want it to eat me up inside. I know that I have to pick and choose my battles, since a lot of this is going to be about how I handle this. Needless to say, the most important things were confirmed – I just don’t want to be consumed by this. But, that’s so much easier said than done – I’m already beginning to play and rewind events in my head and I REALLY don’t want to go there.
I realize too that this is gonna be LOOOONG process. Our talk yesterday was a really good first step – I actually felt closer to him in that moment than I’ve felt in more than a year. But, I’m so afraid of focusing on the “what ifs”, the negatives, his actions, and a past that I can’t change that it will hurt our chances. I’m hesitant to believe him but willing to believe, knowing that it’s part of the mending process. We can’t actually work on rebuilding together if I harbor resentment that’s going poison the process, but I just want to be able to let go to move on without being weak or making it seem like I’m past it. Does that make sense? Or am I fooling myself?
I think we have a chance – in fact I know that we have a really good chance if we could just get over this initial shock and negative feelings. I just don’t want him to believe that I’m ok with what he did – and I know he’ll think so if I don’t talk about it anymore. Do I need to totally let go of what he did – do I need to stop bringing it up?
Lol, Mago22 ~ You say "thanks for your responses, yet the dialog continues!
The responder your referring to was on your post in the Betrayed Spouses Support board, I think. And yes, you played a part in the break down of your relationship. You each are responsible for your part, but as I think you know, that does not make what he did understandable or excusable and it does not make you responsible or to blame for what he did.
Yes, what you're saying makes sense, but you need to realize that "just letting go" isn't something you can make yourself do, neither is trusting. IMO, if you were able to "just letting go" it would be a signal of some serious lacking of self protection and self care on your part. You were hurt, your trust was deeply damaged. You can't just wipe your brain clean like it were a chalkboard, as if it never happened and move on. You need time to process it, accept it, heal from it. It takes time, and he'll play a role in that. As you continue to see him take steps and make choices that show him to be making positive moves and taking steps to repair the damage (by being responsible and sharing his life openly so that there's no question that he's being honest and true to you, for example) your trust will slowly return and your hurt will fade and be eased too. It will take time, Mago, a lot of time. It's not something you can rush or push, it happens as it happens. Like you said, it's going to be a looong process.
I have to say, your last paragraph is confusing; you say you know he'll get the message that what he did was okay if you don't talk about it, then you ask if you should stop bringing it up. Of course you shouldn't stop bringing it up!!! You shouldn't bring it up to beat him up with, but you should bring it up as your feelings require, as you become anxious, angry, etc. You need to get it out. Reading the articles I linked you to will reinforce the fact that silence will only hurt your relationship, and it will damage you incredibly. If you want to guarantee you'll deal with this issue for years and years to come (whether you stay with him or not), just keep quiet about it. What about therapy, is he agreeable to that? What's he willing to do to work on the issue of infidelity that he's brought into the relationship as well as the issues that existed in your relationship before that?
~ cl-2nd_life"Experience is what you get
when you don't get what you want."
~ Author unknown
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
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