How do you know?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-02-2006
How do you know?
5
Tue, 04-04-2006 - 4:14pm
Hi,
I've never posted here before but I figured I'd get some outside input on what I've been feeling.
I've been seeing by boyfriend for about 6 months now and we pretty much live together. We are both 27 and get along well. We are very very different though.
We both eventually want to get married and have kids (too early to be sure if together). I've had serious relationships in the past but none where marriage and kids were a real option. Now that they are begining to be, I'm freaking out a bit. I know I could handle kids, I'm just not sure how you tell if you are really with the right person? For example, my bf is nothing like who I've pictured myself with. I realize life doesn't turn out the way you plan but I wonder how much of that 'idea' needs to be a reality for me to be happy with someone? He's very country and is a marine. He's not very well spoken but is very sweet and I do love him.
I'd been alone for so long before I met him I'm afraid I just like the attention.
Even if what you have is good, how do you know if your settling?
I know if everyone 'knew' there wouldn't be divorce but I figured I'd get some feedback :-)
Thanks!
Jenn
    

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-15-2005
Tue, 04-04-2006 - 5:57pm

Jenn,


Sometimes it's funny how we choose men who we think aren't our 'type'.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 04-04-2006 - 10:45pm

Welcome to the board, Jennulosis6 -

I can understand you beginning to panic a little now that it looks like it may actually be possible, and I'm really glad that you feel that at this stage of the game (6 months in) it's still too early to tell; you've still got a ways to go before you know *everything* (or at least the vast majority) there is to know about him, there is still plenty of learning to be done and still lots of personality to see that you may not have seen yet.


First of all, it's vitally important that you have the basics in common. Your morals, ethics and character should be in agreement. Think of them as the foundation of your relationship; you can't build without a strong, solid foundation. Beyond that, what matters is what matters to you. If there are issues, personality traits, likes, dislikes, etc. that he has that drive you crazy, they're only going to get worse. If you're thinking you'll get used to them, think again. They'll only grate on you harder as time goes by. I can't tell you how times women have posted miserable in their marriage because their husband, who's a great guy, doesn't like physical contact, doesn't like to kiss, doesn't like to communicate, etc., etc. These women knew their husband's were like that before marriage and knew they wanted more, but he was a great guy otherwise (sweet, kind, responsible, etc.) and they figured they'd just get used to not having whatever quality their guy didn't possess. Quite wrong. These women found they now ache for the contact they knew was lacking and they're miserable -- stuck knowing they either live out their lives aching for something they'll never have or divorce a nice guy who doesn't deserve it. Moral of the story is, whatever your guy is know that's what he is, period and same with you, if there's something that's important to you (doesn't have to make sense to anyone else) then be sure your guy possesses what you need. That's very important, IMO.


I got blasted once for saying this here, but whether it sounds silly or not, it's true for me, so I'll say it again. Listen to your gut. When I married my first husband my gut was screaming at me. Of course, I passed it off as nerves. On wedding day I wanted to run, but didn't. Looking back, from the day we got engaged it didn't feel quite right to me, I always felt a little nervous, for lack of a better word. The marriage was a huge mistake. Seven years after my divorce I married again. I will tell you that I didn't want to get married, I was perfectly happy living together, it was my husband who wanted to marry. The thought of marriage made me anxious (first one was a baaad experience) and I wrestled with that for a while. But what I did't wrestle with was how I felt about the man. I was always sure about him, no anxiety or fear. Ultimately, I was able to resolve my concerns about marriage easily by realizing that with or without marriage, this was the man I would be with for the rest of my life, I was sure of that, I was sure of him. In that context, it really didn't matter if we were married or not, we'd be together either way. After that, marrying was not an issue for me. I had no pre-wedding jitters, not worries, not concerns whatsoever. I truly think that when the relationship's right, you "just know". Corny, I know, but when there are no concerns, no worries, you know it's right; it's the unresolved issues, the niggling worries in the back of your head that tell you this isn't the right person for you. When those don't exist, when you're calmly, serenely sure, you know.


I wholeheartedly agree about the book Kimbirdy recommended, "Are You the One For Me?" by Barbara DeAngelis . It is a fabulous book. I learned an enormous amount in reading it, from why I choose the relationships I do, to what qualities are important to me in a relationship, and much more. I gained strength and strength in reading it. I learned not to settle, and that's soooo important.


There are some articles in our Information and Resources section on the subject that are quite good too:
Before "I Do"Resolve 8 Marriage Pitfalls


Should You Commit to Your Relationship?


I hope my long-winded answer has made some sense, I hope you get more responses to this, it'll be interesting to see what others think on the subject!








~ cl-2nd_life

"Experience is what you get
when you don't get what you want."

~ Author unknown








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 04-07-2006 - 3:53am

Doesn't anybody else have any thoughts on the subject for Jennulosis6?








~ cl-2nd_life

"Experience is what you get
when you don't get what you want."

~ Author unknown








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Fri, 04-07-2006 - 9:33am

<< I truly think that when the relationship's right, you "just know">>

I was going to say that but was worried about getting blasted, lol!

Jenn, when it's right you don't have to sit and ask yourself if it's right. You just know it is. And as long as you have to ask someone "how do you know?", then you don't know. It's not something you will need someone else to tell you.

And I agree with Cl. Listen to your gut. My gut has rarely led me wrong, but my emotions, hormones, etc have.

Take more time. You don't have to worry about whether or not it's right at all yet.

Jen

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 04-07-2006 - 9:02pm

Exactly. If you're questioning, the answer is "it's not right", or perhaps, "it's not right -- yet", depending on how long you've been together. At six months, I'd definitely say you're not there yet. Everything's going great, you like what you see, but you need more time together to get there. Or, to be able to determine that it's not right after all.








~ cl-2nd_life

"Experience is what you get
when you don't get what you want."

~ Author unknown








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"