How do you tell your SO about getting a new job?

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-01-2013
How do you tell your SO about getting a new job?
Fri, 11-08-2013 - 4:53pm

Hello everyone,


I will try to keep this as minimal as possible.


Recently, my fiance had to come home because our toddler-aged son locked himself in a bedroom. I tried and tried and tried, and only succeeded in tearing the doorknob off. I've never had so much trouble with a doorknob in my life! I called and texted my fiance, and it wasn't until 20 minutes or so later he finally says that he's not at work (which is 5 minutes down the road) but nearby work and he was coming by with a co-worker of his to help out with the lock.


Soon, they show up and about 5 minutes later the lock was broke into and our son was saved! Moments later, the co-worker muttered, "We better book it before the boss freaks about where we were." My fiance gave me a 2 second glance and then they both bolted out the door. I'm not happy about the fact that my fiance and co-worker came over without their bosses knowledge, honestly, however glad that our son was freed.


Days earlier, my fiance talked about trying to find another job (this is -never- a serious conversation). There are other occassions when he brings up the job issue. The reason being because he knows that he's not making a whole lot of money and that the place he's working at is going downhill fast. He knows that he should find another better paying job with benefits, but he won't. The fact is that he gets too much freedom where he works now and he doesn't want to leave (he works outdoors). I know he's constantly on his phone and he chews tobacco. He talks about his co-workers a lot and their very immature for their ages, another thing my fiance admits to. This job is just "too much fun" to leave, and he won't try to find something better because of that. I don't know what to do.


If anyone's been reading my other posts on various boards, I've been having some trust issues with my fiance from our past. Him saying that he wasn't at work (where he should've been) when our son was locked in and when his co-worker made the comment about their boss makes me worry. It didn't help when he looked at me like, "oh sh--" after the co-worker said what he said.


Other reasons my fiance won't leave his job he says is because it's convenient; he's right down the road, our families all live nearby, saves on gas, etc.


How do I approach the job situation? Honestly, what's fueled me on this whole thing is the fact that he didn't get back with me during an emergency and says that he wasn't at work and then coming here without his bosses knowledge. I know I sound much like a broken record, but I'll say it again; I AM EXTREMELY PARANOID! My fiance may very well not be doing anything "shady," but everything from the past comes back at me when things like this happen. (And if anyone reading this doesn't know, my fiance DOES NOT have a great track record). Regardless, he does need a better job and he's said this. 

Please give your insight!   

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999

I just can't imagine why you would be marrying a man that 1) you don't really trust and 2) you are insecure about his earning potential and he doesn't seem that concerned about supporting his family--doesn't really sound like good marriage material to me.  Of course you have a baby so you would like to get married but you have to realize that you really don't have to get married if the end result is that you're going to be unhappy & get divorced later.  You could always just ask him for child support.  Do you have a job?  If you don't, you should start thinking about how you can support yourself.  It's not good to rely on a man all the time, esp. one who seems kind of lazy & immature.  If you want to bring up finances, maybe you could use the excuse that you want to go over your household budget--make a time to do it in advance so he will agree to do it.  Then you could write down his (your?) net income, your fixed expenses and see if anything  is left over.  You should talk about your goals for the future--do you want to save for a house?  Plan a vacation, etc?  Then see what he says about that.  You should listen carefully to see if you really want to tie your future to this guy.  I wouldn't even get into the paranoid stuff.

Avatar for xxxs
Community Leader
Registered: 01-25-2010

  The bathroom doors in the US usually have a knob with a center hole to poke a phillips screwdriver thru to unlock.   2nd paranoia can do lots of thing to how a person thinks.  Very few of them good.   IMO you should consider getting a career for your self and being financially independent.   


iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2009
Sun, 11-10-2013 - 11:03pm

You don't TELL anyone to get a new job!  You can suggest to him that he find something better but he doesn't sound like a guy who really cares about how much he makes.......he's liking the fact that his boss doesn't know where he is, and he can goof off if he wants to.

I don't think you're paranoid at all.  I think you're smart enough to see that this guy is a loser, and you think you're stuck with him because of your child.  You're not stuck with him at all.  It's time for you to put on your big girl pants and start making some smart decisions for you and your child.  Look into day care, and get yourself a job.  Then save some money and get out of the mess you're in.  Hopefully you have some family that will help you out......and get a decent life for yourself.  Find someone you CAN trust and build a decent life for you and your child.  This loser isn't going to provide that for you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-14-2001
Sat, 11-23-2013 - 11:49pm

Totally agree with what you've been told here so far.  Have you had trust issues with previous boyfriends when there was no cause?  If the answer is yes, then that problem is yours.  If the answer is no, then your issue isn't "out of nowhere", it's because there are small signs and clues that you're picking up on that aren't obvious enough to be clear.  Don't doubt yourself.  When something's up, you know something's up.  

As for the job problem, the problem is much bigger than you're thinking.  He's unmotivated, lazy and immature.  These are personality traits and they won't change.  You want to bind yourself to a guy you can count on to be underemployed and unmotivated?  What kind of a future is that for you?  It's one that promises you'll always be exactly where you are now, stuck hoping he'll get another job, worrying about the employment he has.  There's no good future there.

Take a smart step for yourself and your child and part ways with Mr. Up To Something and Low Wages.   You and your child deserve much better.   Sticking around is a disservice to you both and assures a lousy life as well.

~ cl-2nd_life