How far is too far to prove....?????

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-09-2005
How far is too far to prove....?????
19
Wed, 03-09-2005 - 5:48pm

So the question of this topic is:

How far is too far to prove your love for the person you love?

All relationships have their ups and downs, nobody is perfect. What if you make a mistake? one that will leave bruises and scars on your relationships trust and honesty? what do you do then? My significant other is questioning my love for him, for the past two years, i've been nothing but the best girlfriend i could be, and we recently went on a break for about a month, just to kind of do our own thing. Well the break wasn't what i wanted at all, i was doing it for him, because he wasn't sure if he wanted to continue our committed relationship. Well after about a month he came running back to me spilling his heart, saying its the biggest mistake he'd made and that I am what he wants for the rest of his life and so on. Well we got back together things were great..he was a changed man, treating me like i should have always have been treated...appriciating me for who i was. Well we recently confronted each other about what happened on our break? I found out he cheated on me with another girl, and he found out the same with me. The problem is, is that he stopped all communication with this girl, and the guy i was "with" he was still a friend but there was no longer anything going on between us, we were just still talking. And when he found all of this out, it really upset him. And he told me that he's proved his love for me (which he has by being the boyfriend he should have been the past 2 yrs), and that its my turn to step out of my shell and do something totally unlike me to prove my love for him. I really want to make him happy and i know he's my soulmate i just think we both made a mistake that we need to get over. I know things will be perfect once this is blown over, we are perfect for each other. And I'm willing to do pretty much anything to prove my love for him, because i want to stick out in his mind, i dont want to be just another statistic of the sad, lonely gf that finds temporary happiness elsewhere. I want to show him it meant nothing and that i'm still the faithful girlfriend i was before the break. But how far is too far? Like I'm talking tattoos, going crazy....i need some suggestions. Because I'm stumped.

Thanks for any help at all.
*~*~*curiousgirl*~*~*

p.s. I'm sooo not the kind of person that would get a tattoo, but i'm starting to think thats the only permanent thing that will show him, "yes i want to be with you for the rest of my life..here's the proof." Now i know you are thinking what if he dumps me afterwards..and i'll be stuck with a tattoo with his name on it or something..but I know him all too well, and I am 99.9% sure that if i were to do that, i'd be that different girl to him. But is there any other suggestions that are really close to getting a tattoo. I also told him i would have his baby, but he didn't really go for that because we are young (20 and 22), don't have enough money and still in school.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-20-2004
Thu, 03-10-2005 - 12:05am
Hold on....you're not seeing the forest for the trees! It is not necessary to do something so drastic as to have new ink with his name on it to prove how you feel. These things take time!! Truth is, you've not done anything wrong in my opinion. You were split up. We're not talking about a couple days of "down time" to get your thoughts together...you were split for two months. You were, for all intents and purposes, a free agent - as was he. I can tell you that rushing this is a huge mistake. You're twenty, right? And you've been with him for two years...which means he's probably your first serious relationship. Why not enjoy the ride? Take it a day at a time and appreciate the day to day things that go on in a relationship. If he's being what he's supposed to be (and, according to you, what he should have been all along) and you're being what you're supposed to be, then you're already laying the groundwork.
You owe one another no explanations or justifications for decisions you made when you were split up. Rebuilding trust? Maybe. Just depends on how mature each of you are and how adept you are at recognizing what really matters. I can also say, with one hundred percent accuracy, that having a baby is a HUGE mistake. You want all of the dynamics in place, specifically a marriage, a home, established careers, savings, the mental capabilities and responsibilites, along with ten million other things (including a little wisdom that comes ONLY with age and experience) before you take on that responsibility. Why would you deliberately get pregnant or even SUGGEST it at this point in your lives? Your relationship, for lack of better words, is not even remotely stable. And the tattoo? If you must choose one of the lesser evils, go with the ink (I'm not saying you should...ink's a whole lot better in terms of "backing yourself out of" than a baby). Get your education!! And if it's a tattoo you want, get it! But please, refrain from adding his name. Been there and done it! I got one a few years back on my shoulder that was the Chinese symbol for eternity with my ex's name underneath. He got one that matched with my name. You guessed it...we were split within six months. I was lucky enough to be able to find the Mandarin dialect of a symbol that represented independence...and all I had to do was was have a bar placed under the original symbol (right smack over his name) and a minor touch up. I've no regrets about mine. I got my first one - a cowboy hat - on my ankle when I was 25, and then this one a few years ago....so don't think I'm anti-tattoo...I'm not. I wouldn't trade it for the world. Just have a realistic idea of what your ultimate goal is. Slow down, take a deep breath, reorganize your priorities (your first being your education) and then, when you look back on this, you'll have no regrets.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Thu, 03-10-2005 - 11:36am
It sounds like what he really wants is for you to stop talking to the guy you had the fling with, just like he cut off all communication with his fling-girl. Have you done that? Does he know?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-12-1998
Thu, 03-10-2005 - 1:03pm

I'd hold off on the tattoo - how about something simpler like breaking off contact with the guy you ran to? He's probably feeling a bit insecure about that right now - you where only "on a break" (is anyone else here thinking of Ross and Rachael?) for a month and ran right to this guy. Then after it's over you still hang around with him. It's not like he was a past boyfriend that you are still friends with (we all have pasts). But your BF is probably thinking "well, last time the going got tough she went and slept with John. Is she keeping him around just to see how things work out with me and she's going to go back with him".

Jeff

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-20-2004
Thu, 03-10-2005 - 3:53pm
Loved your Ross & Rachel analogy!! I reckon I must've sounded a bit like Ross with my post, huh? Too funny!
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Thu, 03-10-2005 - 4:48pm

Um, you shouldn't have to do anything to prove your love to him. I can understand him not wanting you to talk to the guy anymore, and that's something that you can decide you want to do or not. But HOW does a tattoo prove anything? The ONLY way to "prove" love is to love over time. It just sets wrong with me that HE wanted the break, he had a fling too, and now he wants YOU to prove your love. Just doesn't set right with me.

Jen

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-23-2005
Thu, 03-10-2005 - 10:28pm
i dont understand why YOU need to prove something to HIM?
if, as you say, you have been a good partner to him for all this time.
and he only recently began treating you nicely.
then why in the world is he saying you owe him something?
and for goodness sakes dont get a tattoo.
im 27 and if i had gotten the tattoo i wanted at 20 i would have been pretty mad at myself now.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-31-2004
Sun, 03-13-2005 - 3:16pm

NEVER get a tattoo unless it means something significant to you and you alone--no one else. It's too costly and painful to have it put on and later removed in regret.

Your word is all he needs to prove your love to him. Your actions are all the proof he needs. The only reason why he's putting you through this is because he can't squash you for screwing around on him because the whole reason for this premeditated break up was because **he** met another woman and wanted to 'hit it'. The fact that you did the same, and are still on speaking terms with the guy is what's got him folding over on himself.

Don't allow him to turn this onto you. He wanted the separation. He wanted to screw another woman--that was his whole aim. You two were broken up; you weren't dating at the time, therefore he has no claims to know your business. He's the one who stepped away and left you swinginng on the line. As it turned out, the sex probably wasn't great with her, so he's playing the "baby I'm so sorry.. .I'll make it up to you... We're meant to be together.." routine. Well, he knew that before he got the panties--he didn't care how much it broke your heart to agree to this. Did he at least use a condom?

Retaining your dignity and grace as a woman is far greater than proving to someone who schemed to eff another woman behind your back that you're worth it. Chances are, it won't be enough for him and he'll still put it all off onto you. As the character of Earl Sussex in the 70's miniseries "Elizabeth R" said to Queen Elizabeth I: "There are times when you must let the queen rule you and not the woman." This is one of those times. You need to reach for the higher aspect of yourself--in dignity and grace--for this one.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 03-13-2005 - 11:31pm

Never do anything to prove to someone that you love them. The only way to prove love is continued love and respect, nothing more. And someone who demands that you do something to prove your love for them should be promptly refused. If he's not sure of your love, no act or body art will change that. Being confident in trust isn't something one act can "buy". Trust is something that's built over time due to repeated, reinforced examples of positive behavior. In other words, only by continuing to be "true blue" can you satisfy his trust concerns and override the "non-trust" he feels.



The idea of proving love in this way is something that won't seem reasonable or logical at all a few years from now. Don't get sucked in, it's silly.

~ cl-2nd_life


"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."

~ Author unknown








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-09-2005
Wed, 03-16-2005 - 5:07pm

I agree with everyone's good points...welll here's an update. I've found out that there was no sex involved, and I also found out on how many occasions it happened on (3) I found out who it was with, My boyfriend's best friends ex gf (who are now currently seeing each other again), apparently right after this girl and my bf's scandel she went running back to her boy too! Me and my boyfriend are on ok terms, I'm not talking to the person i was being scandelous with anymore. As far as me and my boyfriend go, I told him that I would never get a tattoo to prove anything to him, and if I did get one in the future i would want it to be spontaneous and fun and not for reasons of him telling me it'll "fix" everything. We have been arguing a lot but i mean, it's only because its sooo hard to not think of THAT GIRL whenever we are trying to be intimate. We aren't avoiding the subject, we talk about it when necesary or whenever we need to get out whats on our minds, but we dont push the subject. We both live with our parents still and I've decided to stay over with him every night for however long it takes to become close to him again. We thought it would be a good idea to just be with each other, and hopefully that'll mend some of the trust, because we are with each other so much.

I really don't want to be just another couple that crashes and burns because of something like this, what me and him had before the break was something most people don't have, I think we both just went through this little itch and hopefully with our faith it'll never happen again. We have a really strong relationship and I want soo bad for things to work out between us both i want us to be bigger and better than the situation that was brought before us, if you have any other suggestions for me, that'd be great. But i think we are both on the right mind set for things to be looking good soon.

Thanks everyone for your two cents...it really does help out. Oh and to clear things up a lil, we were never broken up, just on a break, like he wanted some time to hang out with his friends, he even told me he wasn't goingt o mess around on me, he just wanted to see what it was like to not have me around for awhile. Cause before that we were spending everyday together.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-06-2003
Wed, 03-16-2005 - 8:23pm
oooh. getting a tattoo to be 'to be spontaneous and fun' i think is a bad idea. at the age of 75 i'd hate to be baring my tatooed butt to some doctor or sportin some stupid little thing on my arm that i hated and thought was stupid that i'd thought was cute, 'spontaneous and fun' 55 years ago. Unless ur good with the $$ and procedure to have em removed I'd put a lot of thinking about whether a tattoo was something i was going to want my hole life thru. i'd do some heavy thinking aabout whether i'd like the design i picked my whole life through. Cuz ur gonna be seeing it every day for the rest of ur life and i don't know anything i've liked my hole life. fads and personal favorits change with the times, u know? i'd hate to end up feeling like i'd branded myself as being stupid in my youth and having to wear it for the world my whole life.

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