How to handle payback?

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-13-2005
How to handle payback?
25
Wed, 04-13-2005 - 3:44pm

My husband and I have recently (with the help of a therapist) laid down the law with his parents. Long story, they have stepped all over us - and I reached the end of my rope.

Anyway, now that we have made a stance - I'm receiving a private "payback" from him. He won't spend any time with me, and has even stated that he would rather find things to do than spend time with me.

I feel this may stem back to forcing his hand on the in-law issue.

Any advice?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Wed, 04-13-2005 - 3:47pm
Are you still in therapy together?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-13-2005
Wed, 04-13-2005 - 3:59pm

Yes, we are still in therapy together. But the solution really seems to have backfired. He has done what the therapist has asked us to do... and now I think he resent me for it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-20-2004
Wed, 04-13-2005 - 3:59pm
Hi Grase. Sounds passive-aggressive, doesn't it? What does the therapist say? Surely this can't be unheard of. I'd suggest if you're not still in therapy, at least make a phone call to maybe schedule some kind of follow up. Have you said to him, "Look here now, I know you're doing it and you know I know you're doing it. What gives?"
Maybe his family is working the other end of the spectrum? Guilt trip from them, maybe? Not sure exactly what the sitch was with them, but if they're contacting him during the day when he's at work, he's probably carrying alot of that around with him. Bottom line is it's up to him to get it off his chest, so to speak.
Maybe you can elaborate a bit more in terms of what it is he IS saying and if you're still in therapy?
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Wed, 04-13-2005 - 4:06pm
So now you have a new problem, and if I were you I would seek the therapist's advice on how to get through this one. Ultimately if he feels he did it for you or becuase the therapist said he had to, then he will resent that. Maybe the 'solution' wasn't the right one for him. Either way, the therapist knows the two of you best and is in the best position to help you both work through this.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 04-13-2005 - 6:08pm

So let me get this straight....all his life, he intertwined, involved, tolerated, and considered it normal to have all sorts of input, assistance, involvement, interference from them in his life. They were his safety net and his albatross combined.

And you got into the mix....and you don't like all this interference and involvement....and so you've 'put your foot down with a firm hand' and said enough.

And now he resents you for having severed his safety net, his albatross......well, wake up.

The "dynamic" he was in with you was the "relief" from that typical "reality" that was his world. But he didn't want disassociation from all that chaos, involvement, interference and hubbub...he just wanted some down time occasionally while he reinvolved again and again at will, by choice, because it meets his needs on the fundamental level.

He didn't "get with you" as a person...he got with you as a safe haven in a storm to retreat to at will....while taking on the "forces that be" at wil - as well. But he has no bond, affinity, or desire for "serenity".....if he did, eh wouldn't have been that intertwined and involved with intrusive parents for all those years.

And so he has nothing but anger at you....for taking away the dynamic he understood...and you've put him in a position to choose....between you adn waht you offer that might be more conventionally secure and successful but isn't that way by his definition....or them, and what he knows and knows can meet his needs - because he structured his needs and emotional association definitions around the chaos to begin with.

He's not "paying you back" - he's looking for the next tornado to chase and try to outrun.

Erin
quickblade14@hotmail.com

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 04-14-2005 - 2:53am

I agree, it's great for you that you're both still seeing the therapist. That gives you the opportunity to bring this issue to light during your next session. That's where it can be dealt with properly and real answers and resolutions will come. If the in-law issue has really resulted in your husband's resentment, then you certainly have more work to do in therapy! You might even call the therapist ahead of time and let him/her know what's happening and what your husband's said so that s/he can plan to focus your appointment around those issues. When's your next appointment? Knowing how long you'll have to endure that treatment will help in knowing how to handle it. Let me know, okay?





~ cl-2nd_life

"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."

~ Author unknown









"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-13-2005
Thu, 04-14-2005 - 2:04pm

Problem is, I can't continue to pay for the therapist. I just can't afford it. We've been going since Nov.

I'm sure this is all very difficult for him. It all really stems from his parents showing up after our son was born. They were invited, they said no. Then, after he was born - they sent an email inviting EVERYONE to our house (for 1 week). They all showed up (at their convenience)- didn't lift a finger, and left the place a mess.

They came in and out of the house as they pleased. (I was sleeping in the living room...)11pm, 12pm, 1am. One night I woke with a bat in the house because they left the back door open. I cooked and cleaned. They had a great vacation.

It was nothing new - but I truly couldn't believe it was with such disregard.

Did I mention that my husband spends very little time with them? And that they "bad mouth" him when he is not around?

I can't imagine why he would be so loyal - to the point of resenting me for trying to get us out of this unreasonable situation.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 04-14-2005 - 2:40pm

Therein lies the problem.....you're using your standards, your definitions, your needs and your priorities and goals as the "determining factor" for what is good/bad/wrong/right.

You're failing to realize that he's been involved with, integrated with, he's structured his needs and identity around this choas and turmoil, backbiting and so on and so forth. He's perpetually giving and giving while being "utilized" for his benefits - because he's insecure.

He wants THEIR approval and acceptance and he's been working for it all his life...and he won't stop working for it until he decides that it's not worth earning and having.

If you thought that having children, being in debt, having a larger house or anything else would "eliminate" his desire and need to affiliate and align, to grovel adn plead for their acceptance - you were WRONG.

Erin
quickblade14@hotmail.com

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 04-14-2005 - 2:46pm

Ok Grase, now I'm confused.








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Thu, 04-14-2005 - 3:32pm
It doesn't matter how unthoughtful they are, they are his family, and people tend to be loyal to their family no matter what. I have no idea what you mean by 'getting out of this unreasonable situation' or what the compromise was, but from your original post it sounded like you and the therapist had a plan for what would make you happy, and that plan might not have taken into consideration what would make your husband happy. So the fact he's unhappy shouldn't necessarily be a surprise.

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