How Important is "Happiness"

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-07-2004
How Important is "Happiness"
5
Thu, 08-24-2006 - 7:08pm

Hey Guys....
Need some opinions. I am with a very nice, responsible, great man. We've been together about a year and a half, and have just become engaged. We have a "great" relationship on the outside. He does a lot for me, taking care of my car, making sure my kids and I have the things I need, etc. The problem is that we do not spend actual quality time together. We don't have much in common, don't like the same things, and lately its gotten to where we hardly even talk. We don't fight about anything... we just seem complacent. The bad part is that the time apart doesn't seem to bother him. The lack of attention/affection DOES however bother me. I asked him how he feels and he says everything is fine, although I've told him time and again that I am just not happy. I've started thinking about breaking off the relationship and my parents are making a huge deal about it, and making me feel horrible about the whole thing. They say "How can you be unhappy when he does all these things for you"? But isn't there MORE... shouldn't there be more to a relationship than just what you can get out of it? Shouldn't happiness be factored in somewhere in there????

~Rose

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-24-2006
Thu, 08-24-2006 - 9:21pm
happiness is everything in a relationship... not being happy is not healthy for you or your children. do whats best for you and the kids.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 08-24-2006 - 10:22pm
Oh my, Desert_Rose, there is nothing more important than happiness in a relationship. Settling for a relationship that gives you the basic necessities but doesn't feed your spirit would make for a very miserable life. And while he may be good to your kids, in the end it wouldn't be a good place for them to be. Living in a home with a mom who's not happy or satisfied with her marriage (even if you put on a happy face it will show, believe me) does not make for a happy childhood and does not give them the example you want them to have when they are looking for their own adult relationships. Sending the message that living an unhappy life is okay or all a woman is worth will not send them looking for what you want them to have. You have to live the example of what you want them to be, and I know that's not it. Obviously, I don't know the full extent of it, but your parents' reaction may be a knee jerk to wanting you to have the kind of security this guy provides as well as the fact that he's a "nice guy". I expect having some time to digest what you told them they'll come to agree that if you aren't happy in the relationship it's not the right place for you to be. I doubt they'd want their child to settle for being less than happy. Even if that's not the case, the bottom line is, you have to live in your life, not them; you make choices for you, not choices that they want you to make.


How long have you been with this guy? I have to tell you, it sounds very much like a relationship I had several years ago. I had a boyfriend who was great, great with my kids, great to have as a boyfriend; we went out and did things all the time, evenings spent at home were spent interacting, talking, or doing something, it was great. Then, after about a year, it began to change. We didn't go out as much; he rarely wanted to, whereas before he had been the one to suggest where we went. All of our time was spent at home, and not together; evenings consisted of him sitting in front of the TV, no interaction at all. Like you, I told him I wasn't happy. I told him I was concerned that we were losing the great relationship we had, I voiced concern that we needed to take steps to repair it before too much damage had been done. He would make weak efforts for a few days, then back to the TV. Interaction only happened at my instigation, even though I repeatedly told him that I needed to see him make efforts too. I was clear in telling him that the relationship as it was might be enough for him, but that it wasn't enough for me. Eventually, I ended the relationship. He was shocked and wanted "another chance" but I wasn't interested. There had been too many chances already, enough to tell me that another chance would only be a short-lived change before he went back to what had become normal. What I've realized since is that what I'd seen up to that point was the efforts he made in a new relationship; the whole first year was great, then it began to go downhill. It went downhill because as is typical around the one-year mark, the "impress her" stage ends and the "real guy" emerges. What I was seeing was who he really was, what he really preferred to do. Does that sound at all like what happened in your situation?








~ cl-2nd_life

"Experience is what you get
when you don't get what you want."

~ Author unknown








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-25-2006
Fri, 08-25-2006 - 8:10am
Please don't settle. I did that. Now I am in counseling and trying to figure out whether I really should end an 18-year marriage to a "great guy" who did everything for me except feed my spirit, as one poster so eloquently put it. Believe me, it's a lot harder to end it now than it would have been long ago, especially as there are kids involved, but I wasn't strong enough then. Or I didn't realize that there could be more than what I had.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-07-2004
Fri, 08-25-2006 - 10:07am

Ladies,

Thank you so much for your words of wisdom and support. You have validated what I had been feeling. I feel like I deserve better, and I don't want to settle. With pressure from my parents, I was starting to get that panicked scared feeling that makes you say things like "maybe I was wrong and I wanna give it another try". Thank god I managed to get past that.

CL 2nd Life, you asked how long we had been together... a year and a half. It sounded just like what you described. We used to spend a lot of great time together, doing fun stuff, being with the kids, and then it started to slowly fade. It started with sex being a little as once every two weeks!!! Then I began to notice I was doing more and more by myself, until it became normal for him to say. "Why don't you go and I'll watch the kids". It got to where he didn't even wanna have a "date night" anymore. It was like being single, but held back.

Thanks to all of you who responded. At least I know not the only one who thinks that happiness is vital in a relationship.... Thank god I'm not the only one!!!

~Rose

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 08-26-2006 - 12:22am
I'm so glad we could validate you. There is nothing more important than your happiness -- nothing. When you settle for less than you want, you always wind up finding out that you settled for less than you'd realized. Tell your parents that if they're that much in love with him they can marry him, but he's not right for you! I'd also suggest "Are You the One For Me?" by Barbara DeAngelis as a great book to read. I can't say enough about it.


I had a feeling yours was the kind of change I'd experienced. A friend of my ex's asked me why I broke up with him. When I explained he said, "Oh is that all? He's just acting married." To which I responded, "If this is what marriage to him would be like, I want no part of it!" I have since married and can tell you that my husband and I are still quite active and have a good, active relationship together. The bottom line is, if you're not happy in the relationship now, you will only be more unhappy down the road.








~ cl-2nd_life

"Experience is what you get
when you don't get what you want."

~ Author unknown








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"