How Much Do I Tell Him?
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How Much Do I Tell Him?
| Mon, 11-28-2005 - 12:37am |
I recently got back together with my boyfriend of 3.5 years after an 8-month break up, initiated by myself because I was feeling unhappy and basically trapped in the realtionship. He is a very jealous and almost controlling person and caused me to be very controlling also. We go to college about an hour away from each other and I was always worrying about him having girls in his room, etc and vice versa. It was very hard, we fought all the time and I hated being the jealous girlfriend. After we broke up, I had "physical" relationships with a few guys and I told my boyfriend about these... but not everything. According to him, he had not done anything or seen anyone during the split (he was my first boyfriend and only guy I had been with before this). One of the guys I hooked up with mulitple times, but was never involved in a romantic relationship with (we were basically friends with benefits on drunk nights) is going to be at a Christmas party my roomates and I are hosting in a few weeks (he is friends with all my roomates and I felt bad asking them not to invite him just because I would feel awkward) as will my ex-boyfriend (now my current boyfriend...). He thinks I just kissed this guy..one time and made me swear to it, which I did. I don't like lying to him but I feel like he doesn't need to know what happened. He is just going to be pissed off and make me feel like I did something wrong... which I didn't because we were broken up at the time, it's not like I cheated on him or anything like that even though I know that's how he feels and I guess I don't blame him since he was "faithful" to me the whole time we were seperated. I don't want to upset him and hurt him more than I already have. How much do I need to tell him about what happened? Is it wrong of me to keep lying to him about what happened when we split up? I feel guilty about lying but I don't think I have enough courage to tell him everything.

Your first mistake was telling him anything. You're right, you didn't do anything wrong and whatever you did is none of his business; not only are you not obligated to tell him anything, but I'd advise against telling any of it. What's the point, what purpose can it possibly serve, what's to be gained? You weren't together and you were free to do whatever you chose with whomever you chose. It doesn't matter whether he remained "faithful" or not, that was his choice and had nothing to do with you. Your response to his questions should have been something along the lines of, "What either of us did or didn't do during our break up is no one's business but our own. It has no bearing on us and is best left where it is, in the past." You don't owe him an explanation or a report on what you did, it's none of his business and frankly, those who ask are generally the ones who are least able to handle the answers. You need to take a stand and refuse to discuss the subject any further with him. Tell him what's past is past and you're not going to discuss it, period. He can guess, think or imagine anything he wants but you're not going to go there, period. Then don't. In other words, you shouldn't "keep lying" you should refuse to discuss it. Why do the two of you continue to discuss it anyway, it's old, in the past and has nothing to do with your relationship? And honestly, a guy who continued to have a "faithful" mindset to a relationship that had ended eight months prior (or two months, or six....) seems a little concerning to me. Why would you stay faithful to someone you're no longer in a relationship with??? What sense does that make?
Along those same lines is another important question, why would you get back together with a guy you describe as controlling and with whom you felt trapped? This is serious and causes me to be very concerned about you. In what way is he controlling?
~ cl-2nd_life
"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."
~ Author unknown my signature exchange partner:
Edited 11/28/2005 4:03 am ET by cl-2nd_life
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
My thoughts are a little different to 2nd life's, but the end result is the same.
I will happily tell people my past - and I want to know my partner's past - because I believe that it tells us about their personality. However, if one can't deal with what they hear, then it's an absolute deal breaker. I would not stay with someone who couldn't handle my past, nor would I stay with someone if I was uncomfortable with theirs.
The upshot of this is that you were broken up. You weren't cheating on him and as such he has no right to be upset about what you did. Him staying 'faithful' is total BS because you weren't in a relationship at the time. (he's probably just jealous because you got some and he didn't!).
My biggest question echos 2nd life's: Why are you back with him? It's obvious that he's still controlling and jealous. You could do way better.
Here's a thought: perhaps if you tell him everything, he'll break off with you and your problems will be solved ;-) Hmmm....on second thoughts, he sounds too scary to be honest with. Nope, break it off yourself.
Oops! Caught myself highjacking the post! Edited out when my good sense (questionable at best - lol!) returned.
Edited 11/29/2005 2:29 am ET by cl-2nd_life
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"