How much is enough? Advice wanted

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-18-2006
How much is enough? Advice wanted
16
Wed, 05-31-2006 - 9:50am

I'll try to make this as short as possible for now, and just start in October of 2005. I'm new to this board, but not ivillage---I'm usually on the Weight Watchers Board.

Background: This is my 2nd marriage, DH's 3rd. My first one lasted 11 years (much longer than it should have) lots of issues there. I have one DS (15) that DH adopted after we were married in 2002. DH and DS have ADHD and are meds for it.

October 2005, DH was working at a local ice rink for extra money, got fired from there for taking a hockey stick out of the rink without first paying for it. He was in a hurry to go ref at another rink and had told them he would pay for it the next day when he returned. It had been autographed by the Hanson Brothers. Manager found out and even though he had gone back and paid for it, fired him for stealing and barred him from the rink for life. January 2006, gets fired from his full-time job for excessive tardiness and absenteeism. Boss was a jerk I admit, but DH didn't do much to try and make it there on time. They fight his unemployment and he finally gets it in March after an appeal. So, he tries to find another job (about half heartedly in my opinion) and finally gets one in March. Its a crappy job that requires him to use his own truck and pays only per stop, for a 2 week period he makes $500 and that was including $150 for mileage. We decide that a job closer to home makes more sense if that is all he is going to make, so he takes a job for a pool company at $10/hr and no benefits. He's been there since mid-April. Was offered a job in his field about 2 weeks ago, but it was kind of strange it eventually went to commission only and we didn't think that would work very well. The pool company bumped his pay up to $17/hr to keep him, still no benefits. He works all kinds of crazy hours, because they can't get their act together there. Last week for example he had 54.50 hours, including working Saturday. He doesn't come home until 7 or 8 pm, we can't even make plans for dinner.

For my birthday this year and last year, I got exactly nothing from him.

Anytime we have a disagreement, he always flies into a rage screaming and hollering at me. Then he'll usually end with "f*&^ you!!" He says I make everything to be his fault, which I don't if he would listen. The latest thing is Saturday night while I was asleep in bed right next to him, he got on the laptop and paid to watch porn. He's viewed it before and once or twice we have even watched a movie together, but the only reason I found out about this was from balancing the bank accounts. He says I'm making too much of it, blah, blah, blah. He says I twist everything---basically said last night that I didn't have a right to feel the way I feel about it and that if I hadn't been snooping in his e-mail I wouldn't have found out what it was. The reason I check his e-mail is in case anyone has e-mailed a response about his resume, etc so he can contact them. Plus, keep in mind this is a person who has to be "baby-sat" every day. He never gives me receipts for anytime he uses any of the bank accounts, he has to be reminded of his appontments, etc.

We're trying to get into a marriage counselor (we went before for a few times, and then stopped) but can't get in for about 3 weeks. He thinks I shouldn't say anymore about the incident until we get in.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-18-2006
Thu, 06-01-2006 - 10:25am
Well, got from him last night that he thought it was okay since we had done it together before (its been over a year or longer). I was upset becuase he spent the money more than anything since our financial situation is so bad due to his job or lack of job, etc. The only thing keeping us afloat at the moment is my generous parents who own the house we live in and are letting us make half a house payment the last couple of months.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Thu, 06-01-2006 - 10:32am

OKay, I might be able to make some sense. My H got into porn when he lost his job and felt like he was failing as a provider. He needed something to "feel better", so he turned to porn. There were other issues going on that added into it all too. But I think that was his main trigger. It sounds like your H could be "medicating" himself with porn to alleviate the stress instead of dealing with the stress. If he thought it was okay with you, why'd he wait til you were asleep? There is more going on here.

But none of that truly matters. What truly matters is that your H is abusive. And quite possibly has entitlement issues at the least. I agree with the other posters who have said that he is dangerous. He CAN control himself and doesn't cuss everyone out. He chooses to abuse you. Porn is a total 2ndary consideration.

Jen

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-18-2006
Thu, 06-01-2006 - 12:18pm
Mine doesn't seem to have that whatever you call it about providing for his family and I question what guy wouldn't have that. When he lost his job in January, he was upset, but it took a lot of nagging on my part to get him to look for another job. He just expected me to take care of things I guess. He really doesn't have a clue to our bills, etc. My parents own the house we live in and I guess maybe he just thinks they will take care of everything until he finds his way. He has tons of money from the Army to go to school and he says he wants to, but missed his last appointment to register. He is supposed to go this afternoon and wants to take HVAC classes.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 06-02-2006 - 12:43am

Hockeymom, I don't want you to think I'm ignoring your response on the DA board, I posted there to give them more info, but really expect to *talk* to you on this board, I hope you understand.








~ cl-2nd_life

"Experience is what you get
when you don't get what you want."

~ Author unknown








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-18-2006
Fri, 06-02-2006 - 9:43am

I understand completely.

We had a long talk last night and I think resolved some things. All I can do at this point is take one day at a time, but I did tell him that I would not accept for one more day the yelling, screaming, "f*&^ you" crap from him.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 06-02-2006 - 10:24pm

I know it's hard, Hockeymom. All I can tell you is not to threaten anything that you're not completely ready and willing to carry out. Once you've decided what you will and will not tolerate again, draw a clear line (like you've done) and stick to it. Be clear enough in what your expectations are that there can be no gray area, no room for interpretation.


Even if you don't choose to continue to post on the Dealing With Domestic Abuse board, do continue to lurk and read the posts, and be sure to take your time reading through the Domestic Abuse Board's Homepage too. The more educated you are, the better you're able to recognize issues and situations and take care of yourself and your son. I hope you'll also see a domestic abuse counselor. That will help you so much.


Keep us informed on how things are going too, we care.








~ cl-2nd_life

"Experience is what you get
when you don't get what you want."

~ Author unknown








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"

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