How much is too much?....(m)

Avatar for big_red1
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Registered: 03-28-2003
How much is too much?....(m)
7
Sat, 06-21-2003 - 5:41pm
How much contact with an ex is too much? I have been dating my boyfriend for a little over a year and we have known each other for 3 years. He was married at the time we met, but got a divorce and we started dating. We just bought a house together and moved in only 2 months ago. Since then his contact with his ex-wife has sky rocketed. They have no children together and all he ever did was talk bad about her. So to me he really has no reason to call her or go see her as much as he does. She just called here about 10 minutes ago and asked him if he could help with something (I don't know what) and he jumps at the chance and heads right over there. The other night he told me he had to go to the bathroom before going to bed, but instead of using one of the bathrooms upstairs (where we were) he has to go all the way downstairs. So I went to see what he was doing and he was on the phone with her. Talked to her for more than 30 minutes. He calls her from work and asks her to give him a call too. I've told him I'm not happy with the amount of communication he has with her, but he says if I don't trust him then we can't have a relationship. I am having a hard time trusting him when he's always going over to see her. He will tell me he's going over to visit his old neighbors and will be back in 30 minutes. 2 hours later he comes home and then admits he was talking to her.

He says he can't forget about 7 years of his life and he stills cares what happens to her. I was in a LTR for 7 years, was even engaged to the guy and when we broke up it was the end of it. I hardly ever talk to my ex. He has a wife now and he has his own life aside from me so I respect that and leave him alone to live his new life. Why can't my boyfriend leave his ex alone to live her new life? She has a boyfriend of her own so she has moved on. Why can't he?

Am I just being paranoid about this? It could all be innocent, but if he really cared about me then wouldn't he respect my feelings and not see her so much?

I'm sorry if this doesn't make much sense but I'm upset right now. Any advice is appreciated.

Avatar for northwestwanderer
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Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 06-21-2003 - 10:42pm
I don't blame you! I'm definitely in the being friends with your ex is ok camp (I'm friends with my ex-husband), but this is ridiculous. It really doesn't sound to me like he's over her.

If he had nothing to hide about this friendship, he wouldn't have lied to you about using the bathroom and calling her instead, or about going to see the neighbors and seeing her instead. And then he has the nerve to talk to you about trust when he's LYING to you!!!

I care what happens to my ex-husband, too, but I don't talk to him every day or even every month. Good luck.

Sheri


Avatar for big_red1
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Registered: 03-28-2003
Mon, 06-23-2003 - 10:59am
That's another problem. He doesn't think he's lying because he did use the bathroom down there and he did talk to his neighbors and he thinks not telling me everything isn't considered lying. I did catch him in a huge lie this weekend and now I'm not sure what's going to happen. I went to bed around 11 pm on Saturday and a minute or two later I heard his cell phone ring, a very short ring, so he was waiting for a call on it. He then went out into the garage and had a 30 minute converstaion on the cell phone I bought for him and that I pay for. I asked him who called and he said it was his friend, I'll call him John. I knew right there he lied to me so then sunday morning he was outside and I checked his cell phone. He called his ex, she must not have answered and then checked her caller ID and called him back because there was a dialed call to her at 10:57 pm and then a received call from her at 10:58. So I confronted him and asked him if he would swear to me he talked to "John" and he said yes. So then I told him I know he is lying because I checked his cell phone. Then he changed his story to he called "John" and while he was talking to him his ex wife called. I said I heard his phone ring so who called and he said "john." After changing his story so many times I got him to admit he had not called "john" nor had "john" called him and that he called his ex to finish the converstation they were having when I drove by her house to check on him. I think I am in an emotional / verbal abusive relationship since he can change it all around and make me out to be so bad. I'm at a loss as to what to do. Part of me wants to move back in with my parents but part of me wants to try and work it out.
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Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 06-23-2003 - 11:24am
If he didn't have anything to hide, he wouldn't be acting like he did. Going downstairs to hide while talking to her is a big red flag as is his going out claiming that he's with friends and coming home late to tell you he's been in contact with her.

But what disturbs me the most is his response to your concern. "If you don't trust me you shouldn't be in a relationship with me" sounds like someone who isn't willing to give something up to save a relationship. And it's an ex we are talking about. It's not like you've asked him to give up his buddies or his hobbies or anything that is part of him or what he enjoys. It's an ex. I see big trouble that should be delt with seriously.

Be clear and firm. Men don't take hints and you can't beat around the bush. Let him know what's not ok with you, why it's not ok, and come together about what you are going to do about it.

I know I've only heard one part of your situation and I hate to point out all the negative but his behavior is worrysome.

Best wishes,

Liz
Avatar for northwestwanderer
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Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 06-23-2003 - 12:04pm
I'd suggest that you read "When Your Lover is a Liar" before you make any decisions. It helped me a lot in dealing with learning that the man I loved was a liar (it's now over).

Sheri

Avatar for big_red1
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Registered: 03-28-2003
Mon, 06-23-2003 - 12:43pm
Thanks for the advice. He says he lied to me about it because he knows I don't like it when he talks to her so he wanted to avoid an arguement. So instead we have a worse one and some trust issues now. He has appologized for lying and says he won't again, we'll see. I've already tried explaining to him that I find his relationship with his ex inappropriate, but he says that I just don't want him to have any friends. This is not true since I don't get mad when he goes out with friends or when his friends call, only with her. I sorta feel like she is letting him stay in her life so that she can hurt me. He says she is so happy without him and has moved on, so then why does she continue to talk to him? He said he wants to make amends with her, for hurting her, and this is his way. Fine if he wants to do that, but isn't an apology good enough? But someone here mentioned how he's willing to jeopardize our relationship over an ex and that's exactly what it is. I'm going to discuss that with him as well. I have no problem with him occasionally talking to her, when I'm around, and as long as he doesn't lie about it. Is it so wrong for me to ask this of him? If he can't move on from his marriage to her, then I will move on from him.
Avatar for northwestwanderer
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Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 06-23-2003 - 1:01pm
Nope, you're not asking for anything unreasonable at all.

And I totally call BS on his reasons for lying to you. A person either chooses to be honest, or they don't...if his values say it's ok to lie to avoid an argument (i.e., to save him discomfort while causing it to YOU), that says volumes about his character, don't you think?

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-20-2003
Wed, 06-25-2003 - 1:00am
No, I don't think there is anything for you to work out but your own emotions here, and what your boundaries in a relationship are. Your boyfriend is a liar who is not over his ex, and I wouldn't be surprised if there is much more to this than a platonic relationship. I would move into my parents house within two days, and then I would make arrangements to get my own place. You deserve better than this, and this isn't a situation you have *any* control over or one that you can do anything about. Lying is a dealbreaker for me, and there is no way that I would tolerate it. By all means, DO NOT have unprotected sex with this guy, and it would probably be better if you never touched him again. There is no reason a person she have a relationship like this with an ex. He is having his cake and eating it to. FORGET TRYING TO WORK IT OUT BECAUSE THAT IS A DEAD END ROAD AND A HUGE WASTE OF TIME.