How to stop fighting (dirty)- help!
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| Fri, 05-20-2005 - 3:53pm |
My bf and I have been together 3 years. We just moved into a new place together but had been living together for a few months before that.
The problem is we fight about everything, money, his brother (big jerk, really), affection, sex, everything. If I bring anything up, it is somehow not his fault and he will never accept responsibility and 90% of the time it turns into somehow being my fault. I have tried numerous methods and now I am just so fed up I don't care if he doesn't talk to me for a day because I already know the outcome of a conversation/fight.
If I get mad at him, if it is longer then a day and he hasn't apologized (nothing new) he tells me I am over-reacting. If he gets mad at me, the world should stop and he is mad for a couple days at least.
One major fight is non-sexual affection v. sexual. He gives me very little to no non-sexual affection. He thinks grabbing my boob is non-sexual. I don't give him much sexual. It is hard to feel passion in the bedroom when there is none elsewhere.
Problem is more about the fighting. We are both stubborn but I at least apologize or accept my part when in the wrong. How can I help him get away from dirty fighting. He gets into the name calling and then telling me I am always unhappy, a B----, miserable person, or talks to me like I am dumb.
Please help. The reality is we are never that far off from eachother but learning that is a huge battle.

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My own relationship is less than ideal, so I'd feel hypocritical telling you what to do with yours, however, I've been where you are and learned some things about myself that I can share w/o feeling a hypocrite.
My father was emotionally remote...my mother emotionally stiffling...both abusive in their own way w/o being physically abusive...To a kid, it makes you feel responsible for how other people react. I remember getting angry when my mom would lie to my dad and expect me to cover for her, and when I would tell her that she'd up and accuse me of "defecting after all I've done for you..." Blah Blah Blah...I didn't grow up thinking I had many rights for how I could be treated by other people...I didn't set boundaries, didn't even know what they were....
I got married and much like you I tried everything to get along with my spouse just so I could avoid hearing I was a b*tch, over-reacting...etc etc...It didn't change...it was like high school where people were known as "The Hoods"..."The Jocks"..."The burn-outs"....People would cross each other's path all day long and no one knew a darn thing about the other except they were "a jock"..."a burnout"....That's kind of how I see H and myself, as him having classified me in group "B*tch" and I stayed there no matter what...
Time passed and I got real tired of having my feelings and needs dismissed, either through action or comment. Before cancer struck I was totally independent and asked very little from anyone other than they be respectful, so H's actions/words began to leave me feeling I had no choice but to listen and bury the feelings....I too tried every concievable way to communicate and get my needs met, but I began to resent being the one who did all the work for what didn't look like much reward...that left me feeling like a victim only I didn't relate it at the time, so I reverted back to the old ways since I atleast felt like I could blow off pent up steam that way...Problem was, I didn't like feeling that way....
Today I'm learning about boundaries....accepting that I don't have to tolerate being spoken to in those ways...I DO have the option to leave the room and let him know I won't discuss anything further until he can treat me as an equal human being. I can't change his behavior in that regard, but I can change how I will allow myself to be spoken to, just as I can set forth a consequence stating that if he continues to speak to me derogatively, I do have other options I can consider besides being in a relationship with a man who is determined to dismiss what matters to me...
I think the hardest part is wanting what we want and knowing that to get rid of what we don't need may also mean letting go of what we want....
Anyhow, I wish you well...
New here, but I'll jump right on in ;).
First off, it sounds like your main issue is something other than the fighting. It sounds like, from your post, that he has trouble excepting responsibility for his actions. It also sounds as if there are some attempts at control (on his part) going on here. He wants to be mad when it suits him but you should never be mad at him for anything, ever. Thats what I'm getting from your post.
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As hard as this will be to hear, if he doesn't want to change this action he won't. There is nothing you can do to change his behavior, you can only change the way you react to it.
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I've been married for going on 6 years, we've been together for almost 8. We've had our fair share of fights but *this* does not happen. It should *never* happen.
If he decides he doesn't want to change, where will that leave you? If you stay with him what kind of future do you see for yourself if this behavior continues?
Welcome back, Mountainmama~!
You may not remember posting before, but I remembered your name and sure enough, you were here before (even if it was a few years ago!), delurking to offer some other very wise and practical words. I hope you keep on jumping right on in, your posts are great!
~ cl-2nd_life"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."
~ Author unknown
Edited 5/20/2005 10:45 pm ET ET by cl-2nd_life
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
Welcome to the board, Tigerlilybumbleb ~
Before I give you my thoughts, I'd like a little more information and clarification on your situation:
~ cl-2nd_life"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."
~ Author unknown
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
I need advice in this area too. My DH has limited communication skills (i.e. yelling and screaming and bullying). We went to counselling for five months but he just found it too difficult to change his dirty fighting tactics. He seems to think that my actions are so unforgivable that it justifies the yelling and bullying. He feels that he is so much more 'wronged' when we argue. He makes judgement statement such as "what you've done is unforgivable" or "I would never do that
Soup
Souprmum ~
I could swear you've been on the board before, but I can't find any old posts of yours at all. Maybe I've just seen you around iVillage? Anyway, I'm home for a second, between my daughter's stint as a band member in a local parade and running off to spend the day with my husband so I may not be back until tomorrow. But I'm looking for a little more information from you on your situation. You say your husband bullies, but you don't give any examples of that, can you give us some specific examples of what he does? Since you've been to counseling, I assume you've discussed the way you fight, and I assume you've discussed it during times when there was no issue between you -- you know, "honey, I'm really concerned about the way we fight....". Have you? If so, how does he respond? Has his fighting style always been like this? If not, how long after you were together did it start? How long have you been together? You say he quit counseling because it was too difficult for him to change his technique, is that the reason he gave for quitting? What did the counselor have to say about the way he fights? Did you continue to go to counseling after he quit, and if not, why? Did you feel progress was being made? It would also help if you could give an example of what he gets so enraged about, you say you don't "break any of the 10 commandments", but it would b helpful to know what kinds of things get him that upset.
Thanks for your added info, I'll be checking back for your response!
~ cl-2nd_life"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."
~ Author unknown
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
Some clarification on my original post.
We have been together 3 years and have always seemed to butt heads because we are both stubborn. However, the problem with this is that he never seems to apologize, he'd rather wait it out or it not be his fault.
The sexual vs. non-sexual argument was never an issue for the first 6 months. However, I just don't think he understands this at all. Any idea on how to discuss this without him getting mad, which usually happens. Example: "Well I would be more affectionate if we didn't fight or had sex more....."
When I say we are never far off from one another, I mean that we usually are on the same page about things for the most part but it seems that it takes us a fight to understand that.
We have discussed the fighting and generally that becomes somehow my fault. I complain too much or whatever is his response. He hates the fighting and so do I but we just can't seem to stop.
Tigerlilybumbleb, there's a difference between being stubborn and being mature enough to recognize that you're wrong. Likewise with being mature and secure enough to recognize an apology is in order. It's part of being an adult. "Waiting it out" doesn't make you less wrong and doesn't make the need to apologize for your actions/behavior any less necessary. It's about caring about how the other person is feeling or how you may have upset or hurt the other person, intentionally or not, you know? Has he always been like this?
It sounds like in discussing fighting, he doesn't voice concern over how it's done or what it does to your relationship, rather it sounds like he stays firmly focused in "defense mode", making sure he isn't to blame for any of it. Is that right? How do you go about bringing up your fighting? Knowing that might help know what to offer you.
As far as the sexual vs. non-sexual contact goes, again it sounds like he either goes directly into defense mode, turns the issue around to be your fault, or changes the focus of the discussion just enough to get it off the real subject (which is how he touches you) rather than being willing to listen to what you've got to say and trying to understand your point of view, is that right? Here again, it would help if I knew how you approach this subject with him. What do you say, how do you start this kind of conversation? And just as important in both situations is knowing when you bring these things up. Let me know, okay?
~ cl-2nd_life"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."
~ Author unknown
Edited 5/24/2005 2:59 am ET ET by cl-2nd_life
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
I agree with your thoughts on this wholeheartedly too, Runningonempty. But I'd like to hear how the conversation plays out to know whether he feels a need to be in defense mode or not. The way an issue is approached is often key in successfully communicating your problem as well as successful discussion, gaining understanding and resolution. I'd like to hear a "for instance" conversation between the two of them, what she says, what he replies with, etc. to get a good feel for the dynamics of their conversations. What are your thoughts?
~ cl-2nd_life"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."
~ Author unknown
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
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