How to stop talking to each other rudely?

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-22-2011
How to stop talking to each other rudely?
Mon, 08-22-2011 - 10:14pm

I recently got engaged to my fiance, we dated for 3.5 years before he proposed.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-06-2007
Tue, 09-06-2011 - 3:30pm

I'm assuming there's no big issues going on here like addiction, abuse, adultery here and that you've got a great guy.

Keep the mentality that you two are a team - you're working together. Whenever you find yourself not being very team like, say it out loud and correct yourself. Hopefully he can learn by your example. Or just have a conversation about your bickering and remember to be a team. You're on each other's side.

According to Dr. John Gottman (statistician and marriage therapist) 90% of all conflict in marriage goes unresolved. It's all in how you deal with the conflict that leads to a happy or sad marriage.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-18-2009
Tue, 08-23-2011 - 9:05am

Sometimes what I do is say, "I really don't like where this conversation has gone, I don't feel right about how we're talking to one another right now and maybe we should take some time to cool off because the real issue is not worth getting this upset over"

That tends to work most of the time... Instead of being accusatory, I use "we" so he doesn't think I'm attacking him personally.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-14-2001
Tue, 08-23-2011 - 1:59am

Welcome to the board, Gingerale1980 ~

Since it sounds like you both recognize the problem that's come up, I think it would be very beneficial to make sure you're both on the same page by sitting down and talking to him about it -- by talking about it I don't mean talking about who's starting it, who's right, who's wrong, etc., I mean talking about your concern for your relationship in consideration of the current dynamic that's come into play.

~ cl-2nd_life