hubby is child--leave? very long!

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-09-2006
hubby is child--leave? very long!
4
Sat, 06-03-2006 - 7:35pm

Hi everyone. I'm new to this board--post on Clomid/Ovulation Induction usually--and this is long. I need some advice and I'm honestly not ready to talk to friends/family b/c you know how what I say will stick with them and if we work things out, it will always still be in the back of their minds...

My husband and I have been together 9 years, married for 4.

We are very different. My family is educated, professionals, and it's not a question in our family that you go to college and beyond and work at a professional job, dress well, have a nice house etc. My husband comes from a blue collar and military family that believes college is too expensive and you should get a job in a factory or something instead of going to school. They believe women shouldn't work, and his mother did EVERYTHING for him his entire life. He lived at home until he was 27 and moved in with me where as I moved out for college at 18 and lived on my own, worked 2 jobs while in school and have always been very independent.

I don't think there's anything wrong with his family. They are wonderful, kind people--just illustrating the differences...

I fell in love with him b/c I had never known anyone like him before. He was a virgin when we met. He was sweet. Honest to a fault. Put me on a pedestal. And he had no ulterior motives, wore his heart on his sleeve and there was nothing not to like, (except that he lived at home, drove a crappy car and had a crappy job and had never done anything else at the age of 26...)But I didn't see these things as character flaws. I loved him for him, not what he had or what he did.

After we had been together a couple of years, I convinced him to go back to school. Not because I NEEDED him to make more money or something--but he is VERY smart and well read and was working a grocery store job that he hated and really wanted to do something different. Once he started back at school, he quit working and I was supporting us. I didn't mind b/c I saw us as a team and this was an investment in our future. But then he started failing classes and eventually dropped out so it was all for nothing.

I almost ended it then. I felt very used and taken advantage of. I did a lot of soul searching and determined that I either had to accept him as he was, love him anyway, and deal with it, or leave, but I couldn't change him. I went with the first option and it was good.

He eventually went to technical school and learned computer networking. Through that school he got a government job that is actually through a temp agency, so there are no benefits or job security, but it is more money than he's ever made, even though it's only about half what I make, and it's about the most "pud" job in the world--and b/c it's so easy, and I make so much money, he has no motivation to do anything else. He never got any certifications after this school, which cost us about $20k, so it has been pretty much a waste too.

Here's where we are now:
He works 40 hrs per week at this easy job while I work 60 hrs plus at a very demanding job. I make about double what he does, plus provide all our benefits.

I handle all financial things including paying all bills and balancing all books and making all investment decisions. He pulls money out of the atm pretty much everyday with no regard to how much he spends and I recently figured out he spends anywhere from $15-$20 per day while at work buying breakfast, lunch, sodas and snacks...

Around the house he does very little--he OCCASIONALLY does the dishes, but very half assed and then won't put them away. He carries in the groceries from the car if he's home, he takes out the kitchen trash (if I want any others to get taken out I have to dump them in the kitchen trash), our washer/dryer are in the basement and his office is down there too so if I sort the laundry and take it to the top of the steps he takes it down and runs it and brings it back up, but almost always after I hear the buzzer ring for about a half an hour I have to ask him to bring them up...and finally he does about half the yard work. That is it--period. He doesn't do home repairs or improvements--he acts like this is all MY responsibility and if I ask him to help he throws a child like temper tantrum...

He has social anxiety and doesn't like to hang out with people or participate in social situations with my friends, so instead of trying, he just runs away so people just think he's rude...

He has no "plan" or accountability. If I didn't wake him for work every morning, he'd never get up--and even then, b/c I start work before he gets up often, he's still late all the time. He never knows what day it is or does ANYTHING to improve our home, our relationship or our lives. he's basically just along for my ride, complaining all the way.

He is obsessed with internet computer games and message boards (how ironic!)and his daily schedule is this--get up for work late and go in unshaven and sloppy, come home say a brief hello to me, then go down to his office and stay down there until 1 or 2 in the morning when he comes to bed. On the weekends he sleeps half the day and then goes downstairs and stays down. He only varies from this if I FORCE him, which isn't fun for either one of us...

We don't share any hobbies or interests, I'm very driven and he's a big slacker. I do everything and he does nothing. I feel like I'm his mother and I take complete care of him...

Our anniversary was Thursday. B/c he never knows what day it is and makes no attempts to keep track of such things, I reminded him 4 days earlier. He of course still forgot. The thing that upsets me about this is not so much that he forgot, but that my expectations of him are SO LOW that I didn't expect him to remember, let alone do anything nice for me.

My dad was verbally abusive to me and I'm realizing must have really damaged my self esteem b/c I obviously have such a low opinion of myself that I don't think I deserve better than what I'm with...

I know that I have allowed my husband to treat me this way and I own that. I also know that I can't control his actions, only my reactions to them. With that being said, I need to make a change, but I don't know how to proceed.

I have voiced my concerns about all of the above to him several times. He does not communicate about these things so basically I talk and he sits silently and doesn't respond. I think he does this b/c he agrees with me but he doesn't know how to reply...

I think what I need to do is tell him where I'm at, and tell him that this needs to change or I can't be married to him anymore. I know I have made him sound terrible, but the things I fell in love with him for are still there, they are just overshadowed by the bad so, ultimately, I just want things to work out.

I can suggest counseling etc, or I can ask him to move out until he can grow up and be accountable and then we can re-commit. I can stop doing all the things I do (housework, pay the bills/balance the books, grocery shop, remember birthdays and get the gifts, take care of our dogs, clean the house, make sure the home repairs get done) but then they just won't get done. He has told me several times that I don't have to do those things b/c he doesn't mind the dirtyness, or need grocercies b/c he'll just hit the drive thru, etc. I just can't let our house fall down around us, or live in filth, and I feel like he thinks that since he doesn't care if they're done, he doesn't have to help--if I want them done then I can do them myself.

Two things I just can't imagine right now are 1) having a baby with him (oh yeah--we've been trying to get pregnant for 2 1/2 years, fertility treatments for about 6 months, unsuccessfully) b/c I feel like I would take 100% of the burden with that too and 2) living the rest of my life the way I am now...

So my question is--what do you think is the best approach?

Sorry, I know this was incredibly long, but if nothing else, it helped to get it off my chest.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-03-2006
Sat, 06-03-2006 - 8:09pm
Hi.. I am, new to the boards as well.. I read your story.. I can relate in some of what you were saying.. You have to realize one thing HES NOT GOING TO CHANGE thats foir sure.. You are going to have to really think deep and hard regarding what you want. If I was you , I would try therapy for you.. I have done this and am still doing this.. It has helped me with some of our issues.. I would stop trying to convceive until you really know what you want. If you think its bad now, wait until you bring kids into the mix. It will get worse and it wouldnt be fair to the kids.. You are very angry and have reason to be!!! I know what it is like to be doing EVERYTHING!! I am a stay at home mom and feel blessed that my hubby isnt lazy however besides him going to work he does zero and it sucks!! Go to a therapist and I would search and dig real deep b4 having a baby!! You really do not seem to be happy.. Its hard.. I know.. The best of luck to you and I dont blame you for not wanting to go to your family with this..
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 06-04-2006 - 1:38am

Welcome to the board, Brooke116 ~ Please don't worry about the length of your post, it's important to fully explain your situation (otherwise we just ask you questions!) and writing it all out can be very therapeutic, and added bonus! I'm glad it felt good to you.


The first thing I would suggest is you get off Clomid and ovulation induction therapy until you've figured this out. The last thing you need is to have the added pressure of taking care of a baby (and boy is that a lot of work!) along with everything else you're doing; neither do you need to be raising a child on your own.


I understand why you haven't talked to family about this, you're right, it can be very hard for family to come back around once they've become aware of the problems you're facing.


You sound like a very intelligent woman who has put a lot of thought into your situation. You have a lot of awareness of the situation from all sides and recognize what you can and can't do. That will be immensely helpful to you in the long run. I have a long, detailed description of stopping housework so your husband will be forced to do his part, but if you already know that he simply won't care (I assume having every dish in the house dirty and all his clothes unwashed won't matter to him either?), there's not much point in posting it, because it does detail what you were leaning towards, "forcing" him to do his part by not doing what's been agreed is his to do.


I think what you've learned is that despite what you think when you're young, similar upbringings can be very important to a successful relationship; certainly as it applies to what they've taken from that -- their outlook, their beliefs, etc. because that's what you're seeing now. His beliefs and ethics are different from yours. You may be able to get him to adapt a bit, but he won't change much ever, I don't think, and he'll not believe any differently for sure. I know he stayed home until he was 27, did he work then or was he just living off his parents? Did he contribute financially to his parents while he lived with them as an adult, or was that taken care of for him? I actually know a woman who's 27-year old son is still living at home, he pays them rent monthly, she has access and is a signer on his checking account, so she simply writes out the checks to herself. In essence, this guy has no responsibility at all, mommy takes care of it for him. She's not doing him any favors.


All in all, he sounds very irresponsible, like he expects not just house and home to be taken care of for him, but everything. He works irresponsibly, goes to work in an unpresentable manner, spends irresponsibly and takes no responsibility for your home as well. Moreover, he doesn't seem to mind at all living in a dirty, disheveled manner. Socially, he's not compatible to you either. The saying goes, "when someone shows you who they are, believe them". He's showing you who he is, you have to recognize that this is who he is and ask yourself if you can accept him -- as he is, and happily live with that. You've already given your answer to that, and I don't blame you, even though I know it's not what you want.


I do understand that what you really want is for things to work out. But I honestly think that the best you can hope for is a very minimal change. I think you'll continue to be unhappy with the circumstances - and with him - and you'll live a life full of struggle, disappointment, embarrassment, unhappiness and frustration. The kicker is that a good relationship isn't any of those things, a good relationship is easy, problems are addressed, resolved and you move on. So in essence, you'll struggle to keep a bad relationship alive. That doesn't make much sense. It's so easy from this side of the board, not so easy from yours ~ I know.


I guess what I would suggest is that you sit down with him again and talk to him, but be sure when you do that you're leaving lots pauses for him to respond in, asking questions that you expect responses to and even flat out say something like, "I'm very unhappy with this situation and I'm seriously considering ending our marriage because of it." Being clear that he recognizes the seriousness and the potential outcome is important, I think. If he doesn't do anything differently, you know he knew full well what the likely consequence would be. Also, if it comes to leaving, you can do so knowing full well you made yourself clear and gave him every opportunity to do something about it. Beyond that, I would suggest maybe separating for a good long time (like six months or so), assuming he'd live on his own and not go back to his parents. A period of time where he had to be on his own, responsible for himself in all ways would be very, very good for him. It would also give you time to see if he's changed at all. If five months later his place is still a pigsty, he's been fired because he doesn't show up for work on time, his lights are off because he didn't pay the electric bill, etc., you'll know nothing's changed at all; but if he has changed his ways, you could talk about things and see if he's not a little more aware of household duties, being responsible for self, etc. If he'd just go home though, no gain would be possible. I will say that I think even a separation where he learns new responsibilities would probably not be the answer it appears to be, most likely you'd get back together, he'd be a changed man for a few months, then slowly settle back into being what he was (what he grew up believing was the way things were to be). I think you're asking for a lot to change and I don't think it's going to happen, especially since he's let you know he's not interested in making those changes. Like you know, you can't change him, the only changes you can make are for yourself. I'm going to post some constructive arguing articles for you to read over, just in case they'll help you communicate the problem to him better:
Ten Rules For Fair Fighting
Verbal Fencing With Someone You Love

Dos and Don'ts For Fair Fighting
Conflicts - Points to Remember

Have the two of you been to couples counseling? Would he go? If he would, I think that would be a good move to make. If not, I think counseling for you, whether you stay or go, is a good thing. I have to say, I find it interesting that he's held onto everything he learned growing up with except the work ethic. If women are supposed to stay home, he should be pretty upset that he's not">








~ cl-2nd_life

"Experience is what you get
when you don't get what you want."

~ Author unknown








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Sun, 06-04-2006 - 10:18am

Your marriage sounds very similar to mine (I'm divorced).

Photobucket

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-14-2006
Mon, 06-05-2006 - 12:46am

OK so this is how you feel about your dearly beloved husband, the future father of your children, and your committed life partner:

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"My family is educated, professionals...blue collar and military family that believes college is too expensive and you should get a job in a factory or something "

"his mother did EVERYTHING for him his entire life"

"drove a crappy car and had a crappy job and had never done anything else at the age of 26"

"I convinced him to go back to school....he started failing classes and eventually dropped out so it was all for nothing"

"He eventually went to technical school and learned computer networking. Through that school he got a government job......he has no motivation to do anything else. He never got any certifications after this school, which cost us about $20k, so it has been pretty much a waste too."

"I handle all financial things.....He pulls money out of the atm pretty much everyday with no regard to how much he spends"

"Around the house he does very little...this is all MY responsibility and if I ask him to help he throws a child like temper tantrum."

"He just runs away so people just think he's rude..."

"He has no "plan" or accountability. If I didn't wake him for work every morning, he'd never get up....

"He never knows what day it is or does ANYTHING to improve our home, our relationship or our lives. he's basically just along for my ride, complaining all the way."

"He only varies from this if I FORCE him, which isn't fun for either one of us"

"We don't share any hobbies or interests."

"I'm very driven and he's a big slacker."

"I do everything and he does nothing."

"I feel like I'm his mother and I take complete care of him."

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

You have... "voiced my concerns about all of the above to him several times."

OK here is my opinion:

He is in the basement avoiding you because you are TORTURING HIM. He obviously has some significant issues staying with someone who thinks about him what you say you think about him and treats him the way that you do.

Seriously think about this... his life is a NIGHTMARE, he is living with someone who can not stand what he does, how he does it, what his beliefs and his family's beliefs are, manages to turn his greatest accomplishments in life into not good enough (best case) or failures and wastes (worse case), believees he is incompetent in life's most basic functioning (waking up and eating), and is more worried about what her friends think of her husband (he's rude) than his fears (social phobia) and what it means to his life.

You manage the finances, you do his laundry, fix things, "convince" him to better himself, and you bring home twice what he makes, etc, etc,. My guess.....he would trade it all in a hearbeat to be with someone that just plain loves him, and accepts/respects who he is.....in the mean time we know he will settle for peace and quiet in the basement.

I am not trying to say this is all your fault....there is no question he has significant issues here, and mixed with yours, IMO you have a major disaster. I think given what you have posted about him, that he wants out of this marriage as bad as you, but he is just waiting (hiding in the basement) until you are the one that does it ---- why not... he defers to you in virtually everthing else.

My advice is (1) stop trying to get pregnant with this man, (2) stop torturing youself and him by ending this marriage and lastly (3) get yourself a therapist so that you can work on the issues that you have that contributed to this situation --- consider the improvements you could make in yourself if you could focus the same level of insight, intelligence, and commitment you currently have trained on him... exclusively on yourself.

You (both of you) are in a terrible situation facing some big decisions and I wish you well. P.