Hubby got mysterious text...

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2006
Hubby got mysterious text...
6
Sun, 09-08-2013 - 11:47pm

Hubby got a text from a contact named "Mitchy Bat". Dont know who or what that means... He is sleeping so I check the text.  It says "It's all good-- you could never bother me :) "  Seems to me to be a girl, right? what guy friend would say " :) "  All previous texts deleted, so I don't know the surrounding conversation.  So what do I do-- I delete the message and I delete the contact!!!! I have a pit in my stomach.

Hubby and I have had issues in the bedroom-- last year we talked about getting divorced over it.  He had a romantic interest at that time, and we decided to work things out so he ended things with "the other woman". 

Life is so busy in the summer, and I have not been "lovey-dovey" with him lately.  He went out to football today and got totally drunk. I am thinking he may have texted the old flame, although he told me he deleted the contact.

Don't know what to do.  Not sure how I feel about this.  Really have not been wanting to be intimate with him at all.  I am sure he senses it.  We decided to work things out for the sake of the kids.  So hard... I really would be fine if I went the rest of my life without having sex with him.  I only started putting out because he was going to leave.  I love him as a friend and as the father of my kids, but I cringe when he gets "that look" or he makes a move on me.  But I am emotionally & financially dependent on him, and I fear that if he had another woman, I know how he will do anything for a woman he's having sex with, I'm afraid he will betray the kids and not provide for them financially.  I am afraid I would have to leave my home.

I will pray.  Dont quite know what else to do.  Any reactions to this?

Community Leader
Registered: 08-25-2006
Fri, 09-13-2013 - 1:33pm
Just want to clarify that praying doesn't replace action. It can simply help a person find clarity as to what that action is. :) Serenity
Serenity
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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-07-2004
Thu, 09-12-2013 - 3:21pm

My reaction is that it seems failrly likely given your situation that he si communicating with another woman. Question is what are you going to do about it.You are emotionalloy dependent on someone who makes you cringe? Pretty sure he would have to pony up if you divorced. Instead of praying, why don't you take some concrete steps to sort out your marriage one way or the other. Believe me, your kids notice. I noticed it in my parents.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2009
Tue, 09-10-2013 - 12:37pm

I agree with the others.  It must be horrible to be in a relationship where the only thing you want from him is money.......and then expect him to be happy and content in that relationship.  And you think this is good for the kids?  Do you honestly think they are better off in a home with parents who don't love each other, and whether you know it or not, you SHOW it to them?  I will never condone a man cheating, but at the same time, a man who knows he's nothing more than a bankbook is probably going to cheat!  What do you expect from him?  You need to start with your own problems, and figure out why you cringe when you know he's looking for sex.  Do you hate him that much?  Or do you hate sex that much?  Is he a lousy lover? (and how can he be anything else when he knows you're just doing him a "favor"?)  You say you decided to "work things out".....and exactly how have you done that?  Have you gotten any counseling?  If not, why not?  Things will never work out with two people who aren't happy, and neither of you is happy, for sure.  Do some HONEST work on your relationship, with the help of someone who knows how to help, and if not, then you'd better figure out how you're going to live on your own........because eventually he will find someone who makes him feel more like a man than a bank account.  If you live in a civilized society, he would be ordered to pay child support by a court, and if he doesn't, he'll go to jail.  It will be up to you to get a job to subsidize the child support.  Also, get yourself to a doctor to find out what's going on with you hormonally......you might be lacking something.  If you want to stay married, you have to do more than you're doing now.  And if you can't trust the man, then you might as well end the marriage.  As for praying, it depends on what you're praying for......you need to pray for guidance for yourself, not for some miracle to make him a loving husband that will be happy living without sex!  You can only change yourself, not him.  But if you DO change yourself, it might make a difference in him, too.  Get some professional help!

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Mon, 09-09-2013 - 3:08pm

I am definitely not saying that cheating is ever ok even when things are not going well in the bedroom.  If you look at things from your DH's POV, it must be frustrating and sad for him to be married to a woman who doesn't want sex with him and I'd bet you are proably not affectionate because you are afraid that it will be a signal to him to go further.  Looking at sex as a job you have to do for him is not going to strengthen your marriage either.  If you really want to work on your marriage & stay together, you also have the responsibility to figure out why you're not attracted to him.  If you were attracted to him before, you could probably get the attraction back.  If you never were, maybe you need to be honest and admit that he's not the right guy for you.

I have to say that I was kind of like that in my 1st marriage--uninterested in sex.  We ended up getting divorced.  I didn't want to get divorced and I was sad about it.  Now w/ 2nd DH we had an amazing sex life.  I can't really explain what the difference was and my 2nd DH was definitely not as good looking as the 1st one.  I don't know whetehr it was that he made me feel more self confident or what.

But you can't look at your DH as just the bank.  You should also learn not to be totally dependant on a man financially.  I just think that's too big of a risk for anyone to take. suppose he dies or get sick & can't work?  Then what would you do?  So start figuring out how you could support yourself in case you do end up divorced--you don't want to be struggling forever.  At least I had a career and never stopped working (although I worked less after 2nd child was born).  If you did get divorced, he would still have to pay child support & you could always have it taken out of his paycheck but you are right, you can't force him to be involved with his kids.

Community Leader
Registered: 08-25-2006
Mon, 09-09-2013 - 12:51pm

First, I would suggest getting back to what is in front of you today.  Not the past, or the future. 

Have you sought help with your lack of labido?  Or do you really not love him?   Women have this issue when peri-menapause hits, but I am unclear if that is your issue, or you just don't want to be intimate with your DH specifically?  Do you not desire anyone, or just your DH?

Pray, yes!  If you are a woman of faith then absolutely start praying for guidance and direction.  I am peri-menapausal and my DH and I have had several discussions on this topic.  If your issue is physical, then there is hope that you and your DH can walk through this.  You may need counseling and help from your gyno. 

Unless you want an open marriage, you two will need to communicate about all of this or contine to feel kept.

Good luck and keep us posted!

Serenity CL making a second marriage work

Serenity
Avatar for xxxs
Community Leader
Registered: 01-25-2010
Mon, 09-09-2013 - 12:52am

 Get a grip.  You are creating your own hell.  I can't blame him for being angry either.  Both need the grow up.  If you do not want sex with him then find him a bed buddy. or leave.  But before you do get some expert counseling.   It seems that perhaps you were not honest with yourself.  Look at it from another point of view.  Another thing, stop snooping.   The only reason you want to stay is his money.  Or is it?  There is a lot to work out about your self.  You have to be sure. 

chaika