hurt and need help

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-08-2006
hurt and need help
21
Mon, 04-17-2006 - 3:07am
me and my bf has been together for 4 years and lived together for 2. i'm just 20 years old and everytime i go to love on him or something he like pushes me away. i've been getting word on a gurl he works with about wanting to have sex with him. and i'm worried that he has cheated on me? he won't have fun or laugh. he doesn't wanna do nothing and i've tried talking to him about it and he just blocks me out? and he says he loves me and doesn't want me to go? what should i think.. someone give it to me straight out. i need help tho. cause i'm tired of taking bulls**t
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 04-20-2006 - 2:30am

Explain this to me Cutie. He doesn't *allow* you to drink, he won't *allow* you to get (or won't hand yours over, I'm not sure which, you didn't say) your driver's license, he won't take you to your moms house, he calls you names, he's mean and hateful. But, if you find out he's cheating you're leaving? Why is it okay for him to treat you like a child, like you're his property, like you're nothing? Why is cheating "the end" but treating you like crap is okay? What does your mom think about how he controls you and treats you like you're his property? Your friends? I know you said he buys you things, but I don't think being paid to be someone's property would be worth it, no matter how much money or objects you were getting. Posessions for freedom and identity. That's too high a price to pay, don't you think?


You said you were 20, but you didn't mention him, how old is he, Cutie?







~ cl-2nd_life

"Experience is what you get
when you don't get what you want."

~ Author unknown








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-08-2006
Fri, 04-21-2006 - 12:14am
yeah he's getting very hateful lately.. i guess i'm just gonna let him stop raggin and move on. he's 21. he's a great person and all just got some issues. this morning he like took his shoes off and tried to hit me i guess. i don't know anymore i just don't care. i mean i want too but still tho. its got my nerves all shook up.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 04-21-2006 - 12:16am

Cutie, maybe you think I'm just harassing you, I don't know. Many of my questions were meant to make you think, to make you take a harder look at what you're settling for, what you're accepting and allowing, what really you're living like. I'm betting when you were 16 you didn't envision being 20 and being controlled by a guy who told you what you could and could not do. I'm betting you envisioned freedom, the choice to do what you wanted, the choice to choose what you did. That's how it should be, that's how most people are at 20 and beyond.


I asked you how old he is because it's very typical of young girls who get into relationships with older guys to find themselves in relationships that more resemble father/daughter relationships than girlfriend/boyfriend; at least from the aspect of equality. Most often it's the fact that the girl is young, naive and inexperienced that attracts that kind of guy. He's looking for a girl he can control, and young girls are easy because they don't have experience in adult relationships to know that they should be equal, respected partners. These girls are used to being told what they can and cannot do by their parents, it's an easy slide to go from mom and dad's house to your boyfriend who treats you the same way -- by telling you what you can and can't do and generally controlling your life. These girls usually don't realize their situation isn't right because it feels right, it feels just like the home they left (well, not just like, but you know what I mean). They've never had an adult relationship, they've never been independent adults at all so they have absolutely zero experience to draw from.


The truth is, Cutie, it doesn't matter whether your boyfriend is 21 or 35, he's controlling and he's verbally abusive. Perhaps more, but you haven't given much detail for us to have a clear picture of all that's going on. Telling you what you can and can't do, refusing to let you have your license, not taking you where you want to go is control and that's not healthy or acceptable. It puts your relationship in the category of "abusive". He calls you names. I don't know what he calls you, when he does it or why, but name calling is verbal abuse. If he glares at you, punches holes in walls, slams doors, throws things, scares you by fast or crazy driving when he's angry at you or anything like that, he would be emotionally abusive too. I don't know if he does any of those things or not, but verbally abusive guys often do.


Abuse doesn't get better, neither does control, they only get worse. I'm sure he didn't start out treating you this way, I'm sure it slowly built to the level it is now. That's how abuse and control go, and it will continue to grow.


I'm sure you're thinking that I'm wrong, that your boyfriend's name calling, moods, anger, whatever is often caused by you, or at least you think maybe it's your fault because he's *always* mad at you; it must be your fault, it's always something you say or do (or don't do) that causes it. Abusive guys are very good at keeping you confused, they have a way of twisting things around so that no matter what, it seems like it's your fault. And while you may start out thinking there's no way it was your fault, by the time it's done you're not so sure.


You might also think, like I did with my verbally and emotionally abusive husband, that it isn't abuse because he never hits you. It just seems like some really bad moods, that's not abuse, right? Besides, he loves you and you love him, it can't be abuse. Love doesn't hurt, Cutie. Love doesn't abuse the person you love, it doesn't control them. Love respects the one you love and believes them to be your equal, your partner. That's not what's going on in your relationship and it's not going to change. Unfortunately, love is not enough, not in your situation or any other. It takes a lot more than love to make a relationship work and to make it worth staying in. Sometimes the best thing you can do for him and you is to leave the one you love. Living in the kind of control and confinement is a huge price to pay for "love". Especially when, in a healthy relationship with a non-abusive guy, you can get love and a healthy relationship, with the respect, care, equality and consideration you deserve. Why stay for love when love is the one thing that's present in a good relationship as well? And why sacrifice your life for any reason? That's not a benefit to you, it's not loving or respecting yourself.


What I'd really like you to do is check out the Dealing With Domestic Abuse board. They are in or have been in situations just like yours. Ask them questions, they'll be happy to offer you advice, suggestions and encouragement. Read the posts that are there, both current and archived ones, there's a lot of inspiration and knowledge there. Also read the Domestic Abuse Board's Homepage , it's filled with articles and information that will be very insightful to you. It's there that I first realized my ex had been verbally abusive. Even read the articles that don't seem to pertain to your situation, you'd be surprised how many places you'll find your husband's behavior fitting into and you'll learn a lot about the dynamics of verbal abuse and abuse in general. Here are some articles from their homepage to get you started:


What is Verbal Abuse" (please take the time to read the intro, it's slow but it's sooo right on)
Signs of Potential Abuse: Need to Know
Traits of an Abusive Personality
Know What Domestic Violence Is
Power and Control
Extensive DV Checklist
General Characteristics of Verbal Abuse
The Power of Verbal Abusers Reality
Common Characteristics (Victim/Abuser)
The Mind of an Abuser
Is Your Relationship Healthy?


Read "Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men" by Lundy Bancroft . Bancroft is a therapist who specifically treats abusive men. His book is written for the women who are in relationships with abusive men, to give them an understanding of how these men think and what their thought process is. It's very enlightening, you'll understand a lot by reading the book. Another book to read is "The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans Check to see if your public library has a copies of these books (much easier to borrow than to buy, at least until you know you want to own them). A great audio interview with the author of one of the books I suggested above:

Why Does He Do That? Interview w/Lundy

I'd really like you to take a serious look at your life, take some time to learn about what's going on and take the steps you need to take to remove yourself so that you can finally have a real life, with your own goals, decisions and choices. Where you can be with a guy that treats you with equality and respect. I hope to see you on the outside, it's where you belong.








~ cl-2nd_life

"Experience is what you get
when you don't get what you want."

~ Author unknown








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 04-21-2006 - 12:24am

You and I must have been posting at the same time --


Letting him move on, or you moving on is the right thing to do. It doesn't matter if he's acting like this because he has "issues", the result is that he's treating you abusively and that's not a good place for you to be no matter what the reason. If he's verbally, emotionally or physically abusing you. Staying and letting him treat you badly because he "has issues" isn't rational, reasonable, smart or healthy. Remove yourself from the situation. It sounds like it's clearly stepping up to more physically abusive situation if he's throwing things at you (starts out small and builds up to punches). This is no place for anyone to be.







~ cl-2nd_life

"Experience is what you get
when you don't get what you want."

~ Author unknown








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-08-2006
Sun, 04-23-2006 - 8:35am
yes, i understand.. he's told me if i was a guy for like 2 minutes for just one punch. i'm going to do something about it right when he gets up. things has to change. he argues over anything. and won't do nothing. he's so stupid when it comes to this tho
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-08-2006
Sun, 04-23-2006 - 8:41am
i understand. i mean ur just trying to help. i sit and confronted him about all of this stuff going on. i mean he's really lighted up alot. i just sit and told everything i thought. and he just sit and listened. and didn't know how i felt about that. i don't need help about abuse cause if my dad knew he'd fix him to where he wouldn't even hit another guy..lol but my mom or dad doesn't know this. i've been so depressed lately thats what i need. i worked out the other day and let so much stress out it felt so good tho. i know ur trying to help and i really appreiate it alot. and i told him i said it like this
oh hes only 21. but i told him... i said i'm 20 years old. and i'm gonna do what the f i want and ur not gonna stop me. i said i'm gonna go drive and if u don't like it kiss my a**..lol and he just listened too. but things will change... i mean i love him alot and i know he has feelings for me. he says he's confused please tell me in ur point of view what does that mean? does he think i'm cheating or waht? cause he asked me about that
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 04-24-2006 - 1:18am

Ah, but you haven't been doing what you want to do, he's been controlling you. That's the problem with controlling, abusive relationships. You also said he threw something at you, a clear sign that the abuse is escalating. You can't control it, you can't make it stop. In order to do that you'd have to change how he thinks, how he believes, and there isn't any more chance of you changing how he believes than there is in him changing you to believe that he should control everything you do. You don't change people, it's not possible, it doesn't work. The only way to change an abusive, controlling situation is to get out of it. I understand that isn't your plan. Especially since you plan to stay, I really urge you to read the Dealing With Domestic Abuse board and Domestic Abuse Board's Homepage in order to educate yourself as much as you can about what you're dealing with.


I read in your response to Kristinehm's post and see that you're hoping to have a baby with your boyfriend. I hope you'll really think about what the reality of having a baby with this guy would be like. Him throwing shoes at you, refusing to allow you to do whatever he chooses for you not to do, telling you if you were a guy he'd punch you. This is the kind of life you want a baby to grow up in? Even if your boyfriend helped with the baby, I don't think what he'd teach the child about how to treat women would be lessons you'd want him to learn, and believe me, just living in the environment, watching your interaction will teach a child how things "should be". For more to think about on that see the Domestic Abuse Homepage and search the word "children". You'll find many articles that have quite a bit to say about the effects of growing up in an abusive home has on children.








~ cl-2nd_life

"Experience is what you get
when you don't get what you want."

~ Author unknown








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-08-2006
Tue, 04-25-2006 - 5:45pm
i went and worked out today and i got 2 guys phone #s i mean it was so great to get attention from them. it felt wonderful. i'm breaking the news to the bf as soon as he gets up saying its over and that i need to move on. i mean.... i got so much from those guys and i mean it made me feel really nice and conifedent about doing stuff. i think i will move on nicely. i'm tired of being pooped on. ya know? so thanx for everything. as the song says.. i'm moving on up!!!! lol c ya lata.. i will keep posting to ya but. i gotta find out how to tell him.. ha ha
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 04-25-2006 - 9:06pm

I think that's a great idea. I'm glad your experience spurred your thoughts and helped you realize how dysfunctional and lacking your current relationship is.


I know I'm sounding like a broken record here, but I really hope you'll check out the abuse links I posted for you. Whether you stay in this relationship or not, you're in an abusive situation and don't really recognize it for what it is, which means you're in danger of making the same mistake again. That's why it's so important to educate yourself a little as to what behaviors and little sings there are that indicate a guy is likely to be abusive. You sure don't want to leave this relationship only to find yourself in the same scenario with another guy in a year. I would really urge you to spend a good amount of time without any guy. You need time to get to know who you are on your own, by yourself, without anyone. I'm not sure that makes sense to you, but during the course of any relationship you change a bit and when it ends, it's important to spend some time getting to know the new you, the person you are now, after having had the experiences you've had. Especially in your case, you've never really been on your own before, never been an adult without someone leading the way. You went straight from being a kid to being with someone, no time for independence, self reliance or any of that. Spending some time getting to know you and learning what your strengths and capabilities are on your own is very important. If you're seeing a guy, you're not focusing on you, you're focusing on him and your relationship, which means you've jumped right from one guy to another without having any idea who you are or what you want. I'm sure you think you know what you want, but you'd be surprised what a good chunk of time (say, six months) will do for you. You'll be amazed at who you really are. A good article for you to tuck away and pull out when it's time is:
Dating After a Breakup


Let us know how it goes, okay?







~ cl-2nd_life

"Experience is what you get
when you don't get what you want."

~ Author unknown








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-08-2006
Fri, 04-28-2006 - 11:01am
i need your opinion. i went out the other night with a friend and i met this boy that was suppose to be with her hanging out. but she wasn't his type so i've started hanging with him cause my friend got drunk and has to let someone drive her home. he was really sweet and everything. and said if i breakup with my bf. he'd take me in a heartbeat. he does have a kid and i really like that tho. he did have a wife and she was mean to him . i know that for a fact. i mean should i take it? the chance on getting hurt? my feelings for chris is gone? what should i do? please help me. i mean i'm really confused.