Husband and housework

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-05-2006
Husband and housework
1
Mon, 09-18-2006 - 3:39pm

Oh, where to start? My Husband and I have been married just over a year, and been together for four years. We worked together up until last year, before our wedding, when he got a new job. I had some problems adjusting to the schedule changes and the like, and ended up switching shifts so that we could at least see one another every once in awhile. I work 12 hours shifts and drive 35 minutes one way to work, so my time at home is very limited on my work days. He works 8-10 hours a day, sometimes longer. Anyway, my biggest problem is getting him to do ANY housework(dishes, laundry, cleaning in general) I spend my days off work catching up on all the cleaning that has piled up on the days that I am at work, which leaves little time for me to relax, or to spend with him. We have basically one day a week that we can actually spend doing things together, and that time, he usually spends in the garage, working on projects out there and the like...or playing online poker. I have talked to him at no end about helping me with the housework during the week, and he told me everytime to just tell him what I want him to do. Now, when I first started doing this, he would make the time to do what I asked him to do. Lately, it seems like if there is something to be done, he will put it off all week, and if he remembers, he may do some of it. Its like he cant see that there are dishes in the sink and laundry piling up. Of course he cant see that from the garage! LOL! Im not a neat freak by any means, but I would like to come home after work and not have look at the mess, and then clean it up. He seems to find time for online poker, for him to relax, but can find no time to look around the house to see what needs to be done. I do realize that he works and has limited time too, but why does it have to be me that takes care of the house all the time?
I will have to address the other issues that my poor mind has at a later time! Sorry so long and drawn out. Thanks in advance!
Dawn

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 09-19-2006 - 2:42am
I have a couple of thoughts Dawn , I hope I don't get them out in a way that's all scattered, but I probably will.


It's only right and fair that you both do the housework; you're partners, you both work outside jobs. That said, you are each individuals and in sharing the work you're not entitled to have it done all your way. His style is clearly different than yours, and he's allowed. It's a trade off, he does his share his way, you do yours your way; no complaints from either about the others style. You like to have the place tidied up when you get home, it sounds like his style is more to do it when it piles up; maybe he's stalling, maybe he prefers to do it all at once, I don't know and it really doesn't matter, what does matter is that he gets his share done himself. Your goal has to be getting it done, not getting it done to your specifications on your timeline. Make sense? Ok, so you're saying that he has time for video poker while the mess piles up. I get the sense that you're a little frustrated/angry about that. The scene I picture (and maybe I'm entirely wrong) is you coming home tired from your longer commute, finding nothing done, him at the computer playing poker and you head to the kitchen to start dinner. Is that close? If that's a problem, one way to resolve it would be to assign him to fixing dinner, but I'd agree ahead on an approximate time that dinner would be ready. Another way to get your point across is for you to plunk down in a chair with a magazine (or TV or whatever) instead of cooking. When he asks what's up, say, "You got your two hours of down time when you got home from work, I'm tired, I want that too." Of course, you run the risk that he'll say "fine", head to the kitchen and slap a sandwich together; which may also make life easier for you, no cooking necessary. He may also get the point that the free and work time are slanted between the two of you.


As far as getting him to do the work, he's said, "Just tell me what you want me to do." That's great! So sit down with him and tell him! But don't make it a situation where you're barking out jobs, make a list of all the chores and together divide them fairly between you. Car and yard maintenance (oil changes, washing, mowing, etc.) count if he does it himself, but a job you do every other month doesn't equal a job that has to be done weekly, so bear that in mind too. You said he works on projects in the garage, if those are for improvement, etc., they count too; if it's just fun tinkering that doesn't aid your home, it doesn't. Agree on how you'll manage things; will you maintain your same jobs for ever, or for a set period of time, or will it change week to week? It may sound silly, but I'd have a written list, with each of you signing on your portion, and I'd post it somewhere visible, like the fridge - that keeps him from "not remembering" agreeing to do one thing or another, it keeps each of your responsible for your portion.


Once the list has been assigned you're only responsible for the things on your list, and you have no say in how he handles his chores. His chores are his responsibility, to do his way, when he chooses. They're off your list and off limits to remind him about, tell him he's doing it wrong or anything else. Let's say his job is doing the dishes and while you'd like the dishes done every day, he's not doing them. Maybe he's planning to do them at the end of the week, or maybe he's planning to "forget" expecting that you'll not be able to stand it and do them yourself. If you do that, you'll have ruined any chance you have of getting him to do his share. He'll know all he has to do is stall long enough and you'll take care of it. He'll know the game, say you'll do it, then don't; you'll eventually do it yourself. How you handle this is to ignore the fact that the dishes aren't done. If every dish in the house is dirty and you want a cup of coffee, wash only one cup for yourself. If you need a plate for dinner, wash one plate, one knife, one fork, one spoon, and do so with a smile on your face and confidence in your demeanor. You need to have the attitude that you know he's going to do it when he has time. You're just going to take care of these few items you need immediately in the meantime. The same with laundry or any other chore that directly affects you. Eventually he'll get tired of not having dishes, clothes, whatever. If his job is to clean the living room, he doesn't do it and you have company coming over, let them come. When they arrive apologize for the mess (with a confident smile) and say "Sorry for the mess, it's John's week to clean the living room, he hasn't gotten to it yet". It's not your shame, it's his. The point is, whatever his jobs are you have to let him do them, no matter that they're not done on your timeline, no matter that they're not done the way you'd like them done. He gets to do his jobs when he chooses as he chooses to do them. I promise it won't always be so bad, but there may be a period where he tests you out and expects you to be okay with him "forgetting" to take care of his chores and end up doing them yourself. When he does a chore let him know that it looks great, let him know how nice it is to have some down time, how great it is to have his partnership. Praise will get you everywhere. I wouldn't thank him for his help, it's his responsibility, thanking him sounds like he's doing you a favor instead of pulling his own weight and doing his share.


The bottom line is it shouldn't be you doing the house all the time, and it doesn't have to be. You're choosing to take care of everything, and as long as you do, it's not going to change.








~ cl-2nd_life

"Experience is what you get
when you don't get what you want."

~ Author unknown








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"