Husband can't keep his hands to himself

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-18-2004
Husband can't keep his hands to himself
22
Wed, 12-21-2005 - 12:06pm
My H & I have been married almost 5 yrs. He is a very touchy feely guy and in the beginning of our relationship he could never seem to keep his hands off of other females. He was just always trying to be funny. I told him that I didn't like it and it took a while for him to finally get it. Well, the other night we went bowling with another couple who we've known for a few years. My H was holding the door open and my friends H walked in first, me second and my friend behind me and my H behind her. I then heard her yell and then she said "Well, I guess I got my Christmas goose before Christmas". I knew immediately what he did. So, I asked her why she yelled and she said "You H pinched my butt". I was Livid. I would have never know that he did that if she hadn't yelled. I was going to talk to him about it the next day because I didn't want to spoil out time out with them. At first he tried to deny it but, then he said that he didn't know why he did it. I am so sick of his childish behavior. What you any of you think about this? Am I overreacting?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-2005
Wed, 12-21-2005 - 1:23pm

I don't get this.

Values justify actions. Values are determined by each individual.

He's ALWAYS thought it was right nad his right to be 'touchy feely".

You ALWAYS didn't like it, expressed it, and I guess you thought expressing your displeasure and your status as his wife entitled you to "him changing his values" - so that he iddn't want to take that actions anymore. Or at least put a leash on his actions, because of "who you are" in terms of status.

and you've found that is untrue.

Well, of course that is untrue, you don't control him or determine his values - which justify his actions.

You can get angry about it all you want....but basically while you've screamed at what he does all this time - you've gone along with him to get "something" you wanted more than you wanted to disassociate because you disapprove of his values - that justify his actions.

YOu don't control this, you can't change this. You could sit down calmly, discuss it - come to a mutual agreement not a coerced resolution. And realize thatwhat you're basically doing in that mutual agreement is this.

He's agreeing to keep his hands to himself "out of respect for you" - not because he believes it's wrong to be touchy feely. And he's willingly agreeing to do it. And you're willing to trust him to keep this agreement and not pry, spy, or kvetch whenever he hugs an acquaintance.

And then realize the flip side reality....if he breaks this agreement, what are you going to do? LEave......because that's really the only adult option anybody has in life. You disassociate from people that you don't share values and standards with - because their actions are always going to offend or hurt or upset you.

So you're basically going to make an agreement, with the statement that could be construed as an ultimatum. If you break this agreement and I find out - I'm leaving you....and THEN YOU HAVE TO DO IT.

Are you willing to do it? Because if you're not - don't make he threat, and don't elieve that going to the table of negotiation is going to resolve anything. In the entirety of this marriage - you've griped about what he does, while going along with him on his terms for your own benefit.

You've taught him how to treat you. Who you're really mad at is you - for "taking it"...and you believe if he'd just change, you wouldn't have to "take it". Life doesn't work like that.

Erin
quickblade14@hotmail.com

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2004
Wed, 12-21-2005 - 4:18pm

No, I don't think you're over reacting at all.

But thoughts on your marriage aside, I'm wondering if he's aware that his attentions are generally not welcomed by other women? Is he aware that he could be perceived as a sleaze? Is he aware that he is indulging in the behaviour of a teenage boy with limited social skills? Is he aware that if he does it at work, he could be hit with a sexual harrasment charge? Is he aware that the two of you could loose your friends if his behaviour continues?


Dress Up Games, Doll Makers and Cartoon Dolls @ The Doll Palace
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-01-2005
Wed, 12-21-2005 - 5:52pm

No, you are NOT overreacting.

I agree with the last respondent. Perhaps he is unaware that he is coming off like king sleazebag. Women find this type of behavior disgusting and immature- just so unattractive. I can't believe you were able to hold your temper during the bowling night. I would've used his head as the bowling ball ( ;

But "touchy feely" issues aside, THIS GUY GROPED YOUR GIRLFRIEND!!! Not only should her husband have flattened him out, but he should've been in line behind you. Totally unacceptable on all accounts. He needs to get with the program quick or he'll find himself quite single. nasty

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 12-22-2005 - 12:14am

Hi Bewilderedx3, I'm used to seeing you as a "responder"!


I agree that not only is your husband giving himself a reputation as a creep, someone women dislike and avoid, but he's also putting himself in great danger of winding up with a sexual harassment charge. If he acts like this on the job he can easily end up unemployed at best and unemployed and sued at worst. Along with the questions that Aisha had for you I'll add one more: Is he aware that his actions are causing problems in your relationship that may end in his being a divorced man?" Much as you may not like what Wingblade had to say, I have to agree with much of what she said too. If your husband acted this way before marriage, you knew full well what you were marrying. You may have expected him to change, but that wouldn't have been realistic. It also means the likelihood of him changing is about zero.


Obviously, the answer to your question is no, you're not over-reacting. Honestly, I would have serious concerns about what he may be doing with other women when you're not around. If he can't keep his hands off them, how far does that go in private? Are you concerned about that? At the least, I would suggest sitting him down and telling him straight out how offensive this is to women, how illegal and unethical it is, how disrespectful of you and your marriage it is. (I wonder how he'd feel if you couldn't keep your hands off other men?) His actions would definitely have a big effect on my respect for him and over time would probably kill any good feelings I had for him. If this is an issue that may have you walking out (and honestly, I wouldn't be able to accept it) he needs to know that too, but don't make threats or hint that you may walk out if it's not something you'd do. I doubt your frank discussion will change anything, at least not more than short term. If he admits it's a problem, suggest he see a therapist. I'm not really sure what kind of therapist would be appropriate, impulse control, abuse (his actions are disrespectful and say he's entitled to treat women as he chooses -- which is abusive thinking), or something else? More knowledge of his personality would probably shed some light. At the least, if you're clear and let him know what this is doing to you and your marriage, he'll be fully aware and have no one to blame but himself if you leave.







~ cl-2nd_life

"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."

~ Author unknown









"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-18-2004
Thu, 12-22-2005 - 1:30pm
Other than the fact that my H is EXTREMELY immature, he is a very loving and kind man. He is self employeed and does not work with women but, I know that he must come into contact with some through his job at some point. We have been going to therapy for a year or so and have continue to go every once since regarding his immaturity problems and it seemed to help for a while. But, the last two months he's really been acting out. We went to therapy just days before he did this to our friend. It seems to me that he has to be ON all the time in front of people. My friends H didn't know that my husband pinched her butt because, he was way ahead of us and didn't hear her yelp. And, I didn't tell him because, I did not want to cause a scene. My H get's his supplies from their company. They really like my H but, I know that they think he's pretty silly. I've talked to my H about this. I never yelled or gave him any ultimatums. I was very calm but, let him know that I was shocked at his actions and did NOT like it. He tried to deny it at first but, then told me that he didn't know why he did it and that it would not happen again. It makes me wonder what he does behind my back. I know that I cannot take his word for it. I want to believe him but, he doesn't seem to have any control over his actions. I don't know how anybody can help him grow up. I guess I really don't know if he needs therapy or an ultimatum from me.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-2005
Thu, 12-22-2005 - 1:53pm

Okay, try this.

What I thiink you're calling "immaturity" is really insecurity. I'm sure he's immature in terms of thiking and reasoning and emotional association patterns....but that's due to "insecurity" as an individual.

In life we all want the "6A's" - attention, approval, acceptance, applause, affirmation, admiration.

If we don't have that for ourselves based on our goals, our standards, our conduct, our achievements....we seek it from other people.

Self-esteem is when you admire, trust, respect, love, like, accept and understand yourself at the core level. You give yourself the 6A's at all times, you never step beyond your own self-defined boundaries, and you always require yourself to live up to self-imposed standards and values, and aspiration to self-set goals and achievements.

Self-confidence is when other people like you "in the moment, in this situation, or based on a commodity or asset." So people that lack self-esteem - still need to "feel good about themselves_ and use the 6A's from others to do it. To get those 6A's they're always posturing, posing, and pleasing and placating other people with whatever talents, looks, assets, or abilities that they have. They're always being whatever way it takes to get the 6A's from other people.

So when your husband was about 14 or 16 or somewhere in there, he learned that being "touchy feely" with girls got him all sorts of "attention". In immaturity - he fails to equate positive and negative attention on a different scale. HE simply equates "attention" of any kind as a positive thing.

Therefore he always wants to be touchy feely, the life of the party, to always say and do the rightthing, and be forthcoming with his talents or assets for the benefit of others as they need or want it from him....to get the 6A's.

The 6A's if "other" generated and not self-generatd are like a drug. If you have self-esteem you have a positive foundation of the 6A's stemmed from inward renewal like a fountain and you can appreciate the 6A's from others - but assess realistically whther those people are pandering for more "benefit" - or truly in admiration of your abilities.

If you lack self-esteem, the oNLY time you feel positive, upbeat, and not anxious about "being who you are" - is when other people are giving you the 6A's.

So you're constnatly looking for more situations nad involvements where you can get them...and the way that you perceive you get them because you can't delineate between appropriate/inappropriate and positive/negative elements of the 6A's is to "do waht you did in the past that got you this level of self-acceptance."

So what got him that as a 14 or 16 year old, he equates emotionally positive with those actions. He's taking those actions today to get the same result, and feel those same feelings.

He really doesn't "hear" the response from other people - he's back in time doing what he was doing then - to feel what he did then - as guaranteed response from him on his part.

That's why he doesn't see how inappropriate his behavior is to other people....and you alwys interferring and intervening in between him adn the consequences of his actions will never allow him to come face to face with it. IF he were slapped by someone for being touchy feely, if he were slapped with a lawsuit or work based HR complaint for that, if he were totally dismissed and not politely for his rude, inappropriate, and immature behavior....he'd stop having the automatic association with "this action = this feeling"...and he MIGHT, I stress MIGHT, begin to address his behavior.

ut you perceive you cannot tolerate or allow that to happen.......that you can't 'afford" for that type of work related negativity, or that type of social ocstracization -so you're constantly treating him as if he's 6 years old, and slapping his hands, and reprimanding him.

That allows him to keep the association with his action=positive feelings....the only negative feelings he gts are in response to you NOT LETTING HIM DO WHAT HE WANTS.

Quit being his mother....it makes you turned off to him as a person, and rest assured, it makes you infintely less desirable to him as a person too.

Erin
quickblade14@hotmail.com

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-18-2004
Thu, 12-22-2005 - 2:23pm
Well, what should I do then? Just sit there and watch and never say anything? I told him three wks ago that I did NOT want to be his Mommy!!! No body will say anything to him because they all like him so they just go along with his silly behavior. He is always poking & prodding me and in my face being silly. No! I did not know he was this bad before I married him. I don't know why he would be so insecure. I always compliment him. What do you suggest that I do???
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2004
Thu, 12-22-2005 - 4:13pm

Hi Bewildered

You speak of him being very immature. I'm wondering what other immature behaviour he indulges in. Is it just this one thing, or does his immaturity effect many different parts of your marriage?

In my last post, I asked if he was aware of how he made others feel and the potential for sexual harrassment charges. Still wondering if you've had these discussions with him. If so, what was his response?

Lastly, you speak of ultimatums. Are you unhappy enough to leave him? Because if you did issue an ultimatum, you'd have to be prepared to follow through.

Dress Up Games, Doll Makers and Cartoon Dolls @ The Doll Palace
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Thu, 12-22-2005 - 4:15pm

My suggestion about the other night at bowling, would have been to leave. When he grabbed her butt I would have excused myself for the evening and gone home. Partly because I couldn't have sat there and "had a good time" and partly because I don't want to be around that type of behavior. You wouldn't have had to say anything to him about it and your message still would have gotten across. And every time he did it in the future, I would do the same thing. No matter what the occassion. (Granted, if it were something like your kid's performance or something then I wouldn't make a scene. But that would be very rare (weddings, funerals, special things for your kid...) and I would still change my behavior.)

I don't envy you this. I have to say I've had my butt grabbed once and it was when I was in high school. I grabbed the back of the guy's neck as he was running away. Maybe I should explain that I've been blessed with the ability to grow beautiful, strong nails. I don't ever wear them too long... Anyway, with 3 nasty nail marks on the back of his neck, you can bet he didn't come NEAR me ever again. (Ie, next time tell your friend to backhand him good.)

Jen

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-18-2004
Thu, 12-22-2005 - 5:31pm
If I would have ever given him an ultimatum then I would have been gone the first few months of our marriage. I just keep trying to work with him. I do love him. He used to have a problem with porno also. I did NOT know about that until after we were married. How I found out was, when I would wake up in the morn he would be in another room and then come in the bedroom wanting sex. Well, after a month or so I woke up, got out of bed and caught him watching it. He had been doing this the whole time. I just didn't know it. He used to sneak & lie about it. I gave up on that. He also has a 13 yr. old son. I want him to set a good example for him. My H is extremely obnoxious. He's always in my FACE or poking, pinching, prodding or wrestling me to the ground. He is 44 yrs. old & I am 51. We have talked to a therapist many times about this. It seems to work for a while but, then he reverts back. We have been to two different therapist. I don't know if anything will ever work. I just get physically & mentally tired of all of this.

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