Husband can't keep his hands to himself

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-18-2004
Husband can't keep his hands to himself
22
Wed, 12-21-2005 - 12:06pm
My H & I have been married almost 5 yrs. He is a very touchy feely guy and in the beginning of our relationship he could never seem to keep his hands off of other females. He was just always trying to be funny. I told him that I didn't like it and it took a while for him to finally get it. Well, the other night we went bowling with another couple who we've known for a few years. My H was holding the door open and my friends H walked in first, me second and my friend behind me and my H behind her. I then heard her yell and then she said "Well, I guess I got my Christmas goose before Christmas". I knew immediately what he did. So, I asked her why she yelled and she said "You H pinched my butt". I was Livid. I would have never know that he did that if she hadn't yelled. I was going to talk to him about it the next day because I didn't want to spoil out time out with them. At first he tried to deny it but, then he said that he didn't know why he did it. I am so sick of his childish behavior. What you any of you think about this? Am I overreacting?
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-27-2004
Thu, 12-22-2005 - 6:26pm
Has he been tested for ADHD?
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 12-22-2005 - 10:37pm

You say he used to have a problem with porn? How did he address his porn problem? How extensive was it? I'm wondering, since it seems he hid quite a bit from you before marriage, what else there might be that you're not aware of? I'm also wondering: you talk about him being silly, etc. and that the two of you have seen a therapist. What does he think about his behavior? Does he not like how he behaves want to change or does he want to change because you don't like it?


As far as *silly* goes, I had an uncle who was silly. He drove my aunt nuts. I can't think of her without hearing the words, "Al! Stop it!" He was great to be around when I was a kid, I loved having him around, he was great fun. At about 13 he wasn't so funny anymore and way before 16 I dreaded their visits and avoided him as much as possible. My point is your husband isn't going to grow up. He has grown up and this is what he's grown up to be. He is who he is, silly and all. This is it, what there is, what he is, who he is. He'll be Mr. Silly until he's in his 90's like Uncle Al, with his wife still barking at him to stop.


I'm not really seeing how working as a couple can help much, these problems are about him, not you, you're just close enough to be the one who usually receives it.


We're throwing a lot of questions at you, I hope you can stick with us and answer them all!







~ cl-2nd_life

"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."

~ Author unknown









"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-31-2004
Fri, 12-23-2005 - 9:46am

your husband appears to have some serious boundary/respect issues when it comes to the bodies of other women. Certainly, his lack of respect for you and your feelings is alarming. I do not feel you are overreacting--you are quite justified. Unless he checks himself and quick, one day he's going to allow himself to grab someone who will press charges against him... or worse--have a boyfriend/husband who will break his hands for him. Maybe then is when he'll learn to keep his hands to himself.

In the meantime, he should see a therapist for his compulsive groping.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-18-2004
Fri, 12-23-2005 - 1:35pm

#1. The porn problem. This went on for 4 years. It was very extensive. If he could watch everyday he would, probably several times a day. He would masturbate to it also. I caught him once. I was having a gallbladder attack and was laying on the couch. He thought that I was asleep and went to bed. I got up went to the bedroom to get another pillow, tried to open the door and it was locked. He did let me in and then I found out what he was up to. It was kind of hurtful since I was in so sick. When I would find a video he would throw it in the garbage in front of me but then sneak & get it back out of the garbage when I wasn't around. When I first found out I did start looking for clues but, after 4 years I got tired of it. He would always look me in the face & lie to me about it. We went to therapy and the therapist gave him the number of a man in recovery to call but, my H never called him. He says he doesn't need porn anymore nor watch it anymore. I don't snoop so, I really don't have a clue.

#2. He knows that I do NOT like his behavior we've talked about it for almost 5 yrs. now. He tries to change for me. He sometimes says, well that's just the way I am because I'm just a happy go lucky person. I know how your Aunt felt because, I'm always yelling STOP, LEAVE ME ALONE!!! Sometimes he gets his old son to join in and then I have to fight them both off. I try to tell him that he is not doing his son any favors by acting like that. I want his son to respect women. My H agree's but, can't seem to control himself.

#3. After we got married and I went to another state to meet my H's family and I was appalled. My H groped me in front of everybody by grabbing my boobs & butt all the time. He would act like he was going to grab his sister's & neices boobs or butts. He would make comments about his own neices boobs or butts. Or he would video the family and zoom in on his neices boobs or butts. His sisters and my H talk very sexual with each other. It's very disturbing! He would even grab his own Mother's boobs. His whole family is very immature also. They all laugh & think he's funny. He would bend over and moon his sister's & neises. I have not been back there in 4 yrs. He goes but, says that he doesn't act like that anymore. He also started grabbing my boobs in front of his friends. In the house he would corner me against the wall, counter, bed. Get in my face. Grab, poke, prod, tickle & pinch. I couldn't get away from him. After a year of it I finally went to therapy and told him that if this didn't stop then I would leave him. He seemed to calm down for a while but, now he's acting up again. I don't know why. All I know is that I don't think that I want to live the rest of my life like this. I've been crying a lot the last two months. My Mom just moved in with us because, of her health. Maybe he feels like he can act like this because, of that. Maybe he thinks that I wouldn't leave now. I do feel a extremely overwhelmed right now.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-2005
Fri, 12-23-2005 - 3:30pm

Get a REAL GRIP on what you do and do not control.

He's immature, insecure, he's emotionally driven, he lacks self-esteem.

THAT IS NOT YOUR PROBLEM.

You're only dealing with the consequences of that - in his behavior.

You can't "do" anything about it - other than tolerate it. You can walk away from it, yu can split up because of it, but you can't 'change him".

You don't control what motivates him.

You do control how you "respond".

To "react" is you acting on your feelings that you have to his actions.

"response" is you taking an action designed realistically to create a particular result.

Stop 'reacting" to his silliness and inappropriateness. Respond to it as an adult would who's offended by behavior - walk off, disassociate, disengage, uninvolve.

But you're saying here now that primarily people think he's quite 'cute and fun" in this behavior you consider inappropriate.

So your message has no way to get thru....and because he's emotionally driven rather than rational and emotionally balanced you "wanting" what doesn't emotionally gratify him is not within his scope to "do".

Erin
quickblade14@hotmail.com

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 12-24-2005 - 1:18am

My God, Bewildered, that's awful, all of it.


I am not a doctor, a therapist or trained in any of these areas at all, but I honestly believe he's got some huge problems that are not going to go away. What you're describing with the porn is an addiction. If he stopped but didn't get any kind of help he's doing what's called "white knuckling it", staying away from porn by sheer will. That's not recovery, that's not getting better, that's "gutting it out" every day. Or, as you suggested, maybe he never stopped, he just got better at hiding it. He doesn't think he needs help, which means he's not really ready to face and address his problem, and maybe he never will be.

With the grabbing, etc. that leans heavily towards entitlement issues, which are abuse issues. He thinks he's entitled to grab at women and treat them however he likes. This is a belief, not something that's changeable. If you are at all thinking that this isn't the case, that it isn't about how he feels about women in general, ask yourself, how many men does he grope? It's gender specific, it's about what he thinks he can do to women. It's also a huge violation of you. It takes away you control, it disrespects you and it's torture. Honestly.


You've got two very serious issues -- and probably more -- all rolled into this one guy. These things are going to be constants. Maybe they'll be less a problem at some times than at others, but they'll always be there. They're serious and they will and are making your life a nightmare. You say therapy changes it for a while, then it's back. There's a reason for that. He doesn't really want it to change -- as he's told you he's trying to change for you, not for him. You can't change yourself for someone else. In order to change you have to have the very strong will and drive to do it, that has to come from you, it can't come from anyone else. He isn't unhappy with who he is, he doesn't really care to change it. His real goal is to keep you there, so he changes just long enough to reach that goal (things calm down) and then he relaxes up and his real self comes back.


The porn addiction may or may not get better or worse, but you have more issues beyond that, so that's what I'm talking about here. I know this isn't what you want to hear, but the fact is he is who he is and that's not going to change. What you've seen from him you can expect to play out again and again for the entire time your with him and for his entire life. You want him to be a good influence on his son, but clearly, he's not been a good influence on his children in the past, evidenced by his older son joining him in poking and prodding you. He was then and he is now exactly who he is. Nothing has changed and nothing will change. In your responses to others you've indicated you've been through some rough times and gotten yourself out of it. Bewildered, your situation has me and my gut screaming "get out". Take your mother and get out of that hell. Yes, maybe it's okay and/or good sometimes, but the other times it's torture, dysfunction and addiction and that isn't going to change. You'll never find peace or happiness there.







~ cl-2nd_life

"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."

~ Author unknown









"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 12-24-2005 - 1:18am

This reminds me of an ex, "He's always in my FACE or poking, pinching, prodding or wrestling me to the ground." I know the type of behavior you describe, and I believe that it goes way beyond immaturity. I think this kind of behavior masks deep hostility. He knows this behavior bothers you, and he does it anyway, not in spite of your objections and distaste for it, but BECAUSE you don't like it. Why that is I can't even guess.

My ex always claimed to love me, but he did this type of thing to me anyway, over my strident objections. He even proposed marriage to me, but there was no way I could face a lifetime of being pinched, prodded, poked, and tickled. I left that guy, but you married him and now you are trying to figure out how to get him to stop it. You can't. He does what he does because he feels justified in doing it, because he wants to do it, because he has no impulse control. And because he's angry and he's masking his hostility with buffoonery - the wide-eyed 'aw shucks I didn't mean nothin by it' goofiness. So you feel like an intolerant witch for hating how he treats you and other women.

I'm sorry that I can't offer you any hope that your marriage will be a long and happy one. In your shoes, I would give him an ultimatum, and I would leave if he didn't stop. There's a small chance that an ultimatum would impel him to root out the cause of his hostility through individual therapy, and he could eventually change his behavior. But right now, the reality is that he doesn't have any motivation to change his behavior because he's getting what he wants from it. People simply don't continue to behave in ways that produce results that they do not want, not if they are sane.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 12-24-2005 - 1:40am
Oh wow, I hadn't read this post when I replied to your other post, but this just confirms my opinion. Your husband sounds absolutely repulsive, and I know that's probably not what you want to hear but you really need to hear it. I think you should give him a final ultimatum with a specific time limit to completely alter his behavior and attitude. He won't do it, at least not for long, but then you can kick him to the curb without a moment's regret. I promise you that the huge feeling of relief and freedom you will feel when this sorry excuse for a man is out of your life will be well worth the initial pain. Make 2006 a happy, good year for you. It won't be if you keep this creepy clown in your life. Best wishes to you.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-18-2004
Sat, 12-24-2005 - 12:05pm
I want to thank everybody who has responded to me and the support you have given me. I am fairly new to this city I live in and it's 2,000 miles from home. I have no friends here that I can talk to. That's why I responded to this web site. I know that I have some thinking to do about this situation. I guess he's not going to change after 5 yrs. of marriage and therapy on top of it.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-24-2005
Mon, 12-26-2005 - 6:48am

Hey Bewl...

Don't react (it may be his reinforcement for his behavior),.... Act.- and I don't mean
in the context of an actor...

Reactions are fueled by emotions--- Actions are fueled and are the result of logical thought based on facts. Without accusatory tone of voice, tell him what he did,... how it makes you feel,... and why you feel that way--- In other words; here's perfect simple example.

Johnny, when you intentionally touch another woman's body you insult me because your behavior shows no respect to me and my honor. If you choose to ignore what I value---respect, honor, etc.. I also have a choice,...