Husband contacting old girlfriend!
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| Wed, 03-07-2007 - 10:52am |
I am really stressed out. I'm 5 months pregnant with our first child. We have been married for 1 1/2 years. We dated for 3 years. We had an awesome flaming relationship even into our marriage. In the last 6 months or so, things have settled in, and we've become 'comfortable' I guess you would say. He says he misses the romance we used to have. We still are very intimate, and we go on fun dates as often as we can afford it. I try to get out to eat once a week, and we've gone bowling, etc.
When he first found out I was pregnant, he was upset, because he didn't want to start a family so soon. We had plans to get out and do a little traveling first, since we never got a honeymoon. He soon adjusted to the idea, and seems ok with it now.
He met up with an old female friend of his, which I was iffy about at first, but she was married, and was very nice, and we are now good friends.
So last night, he asked me what I would think of him contacting some other old friends. I told him that I don't mind, as long as he is honest with me. He then said that he found one of his friends was in our town still, married. I don't mind that. Then, he said he also contacted his first girlfriend, and she emailed him back. He was very excited about that. This alarms me, because he has told me before that he's never gotten over her, and he thinks they are soulmates, and he keeps dreaming that they get back together. He also thinks I'm perfect for him, and has called me his soulmate, too. He says it's probably just the "first love" thing, but I haven't heard of many men not being able to get over their first girlfriend from 11 years ago.
So the part that really worries me, is that she's still single. I saw the email (I know his password), and she just left a short message saying to contact him through her email. She signed the note with love. The biggest thing for me, is that he is not telling her that he's married! I think that is wrong not to be open, and that gives me the feeling that he isn't looking for some closure, like he says he is. If he's looking for closure, he'd update her on how he is doing. Right? She lives in Washington state now, and we live in MN, so

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Have you talked to him directly about your fears and that he doesn't seem to be seeking closure with her?
Stephanie
You have enough to "go" on without even having to bring up the e-mails.
Stephanie
I think if I were you I'd talk to him about your concern about what he means; he's said he dreams of leaving you for her and worries about leaving you in this situation. Worries? That sounds like he's taking it a step away from dreamland and putting it into reality. Or is he just saying that it bothers him that he'd even consider doing something like that? I think that's just cause to have a very serious talk. You don't have to do it sitting down, but it does need to be had because you very much need to know where you stand and you very much need to know what he's thinking.
I'm also concerned about your statement that you wouldn't marry him if you had to do it over again. Do you honestly mean that or is that your thought due to the long-lost girlfriend thing?
I'll be interested to hear back from you. In the meantime, here are some really good tips on having constructive talks (geared to have him feeling less defensive):
Ten Rules For Fair FightingVerbal Fencing With Someone You Love
Dos and Don'ts For Fair Fighting
Conflicts - Points to Remember
~ cl-2nd_life
"Experience is what you get
When you don't get what you want"
~ Author unknown
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
Unfortunately, there is a limit to how much text you can put in a post, so it appears that your post was truncated.
I hope he's mostly in dreamland. He was disappointed yesterday when she emailed him back, with only a few short lines. He's been very open with me about it so far, and I'm liking that. I did see the email he sent to her
Stephanie
Stephanie
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