Husband contacting old girlfriend!

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-11-2006
Husband contacting old girlfriend!
16
Wed, 03-07-2007 - 10:52am

I am really stressed out. I'm 5 months pregnant with our first child. We have been married for 1 1/2 years. We dated for 3 years. We had an awesome flaming relationship even into our marriage. In the last 6 months or so, things have settled in, and we've become 'comfortable' I guess you would say. He says he misses the romance we used to have. We still are very intimate, and we go on fun dates as often as we can afford it. I try to get out to eat once a week, and we've gone bowling, etc.


When he first found out I was pregnant, he was upset, because he didn't want to start a family so soon. We had plans to get out and do a little traveling first, since we never got a honeymoon. He soon adjusted to the idea, and seems ok with it now.


He met up with an old female friend of his, which I was iffy about at first, but she was married, and was very nice, and we are now good friends.


So last night, he asked me what I would think of him contacting some other old friends. I told him that I don't mind, as long as he is honest with me. He then said that he found one of his friends was in our town still, married. I don't mind that. Then, he said he also contacted his first girlfriend, and she emailed him back. He was very excited about that. This alarms me, because he has told me before that he's never gotten over her, and he thinks they are soulmates, and he keeps dreaming that they get back together. He also thinks I'm perfect for him, and has called me his soulmate, too. He says it's probably just the "first love" thing, but I haven't heard of many men not being able to get over their first girlfriend from 11 years ago.


So the part that really worries me, is that she's still single. I saw the email (I know his password), and she just left a short message saying to contact him through her email. She signed the note with love. The biggest thing for me, is that he is not telling her that he's married! I think that is wrong not to be open, and that gives me the feeling that he isn't looking for some closure, like he says he is. If he's looking for closure, he'd update her on how he is doing. Right? She lives in Washington state now, and we live in MN, so

 
   
   Stephanie

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-15-2005
Wed, 03-07-2007 - 11:15am

Have you talked to him directly about your fears and that he doesn't seem to be seeking closure with her?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-11-2006
Wed, 03-07-2007 - 11:48am
I haven't asked him that exactly yet, since this was just last night. But he has mentioned that he has dreams of leaving me for her, and that worries him. He said he'd hate to leave me in this situation, and he kinda sounded bummed about it. That's what worried me the most. He almost sounds like he is weighing the idea of leaving for her. Do you think it is right to read his emails? I was planning on waiting until she wrote him back, and then see if he tells me about it, and what he says. Then I was going to read it, and see if the story matches up. I want to trust him, and I figure if I do that, then I can know if I can trust him or not. What do you think?

 
   
   Stephanie

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-15-2005
Wed, 03-07-2007 - 12:06pm

You have enough to "go" on without even having to bring up the e-mails.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-11-2006
Wed, 03-07-2007 - 12:40pm

 
   
   Stephanie

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 03-08-2007 - 1:20am
Skater_girl, sorry to be getting here so late...work, home, you know...


I think if I were you I'd talk to him about your concern about what he means; he's said he dreams of leaving you for her and worries about leaving you in this situation. Worries? That sounds like he's taking it a step away from dreamland and putting it into reality. Or is he just saying that it bothers him that he'd even consider doing something like that? I think that's just cause to have a very serious talk. You don't have to do it sitting down, but it does need to be had because you very much need to know where you stand and you very much need to know what he's thinking.


I'm also concerned about your statement that you wouldn't marry him if you had to do it over again. Do you honestly mean that or is that your thought due to the long-lost girlfriend thing?


I'll be interested to hear back from you. In the meantime, here are some really good tips on having constructive talks (geared to have him feeling less defensive):

Ten Rules For Fair Fighting
Verbal Fencing With Someone You Love

Dos and Don'ts For Fair Fighting
Conflicts - Points to Remember








~ cl-2nd_life

"Experience is what you get
When you don't get what you want"

~ Author unknown








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-15-2005
Thu, 03-08-2007 - 12:40pm

Unfortunately, there is a limit to how much text you can put in a post, so it appears that your post was truncated.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-11-2006
Thu, 03-08-2007 - 2:58pm

I hope he's mostly in dreamland. He was disappointed yesterday when she emailed him back, with only a few short lines. He's been very open with me about it so far, and I'm liking that. I did see the email he sent to her

 
   
   Stephanie

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-11-2006
Thu, 03-08-2007 - 3:12pm

 
   
   Stephanie

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-12-2006
Thu, 03-08-2007 - 3:21pm
I feel for you. You have a lot of red flags. Just because you and your husband are going through a rough time with finances, doesn't give him a pass to be a creep. Him not telling this woman he is married and expecting a child is wrong, wrong, wrong. Witholding the truth is the same as lying. He's lying to a woman he says is his soulmate. This guy sounds just plain selfish. I think you have been a very understanding wife. Most woman would not be ok with their husbands contacting other women. You sound like you have a lot of maturity about you. Your husband is crossing boundries. What he is doing is not ok. You need to tell him that. I'd be alarmed when all of a sudden he starts to need a harem around him. He sounds like he has low self esteem and needs a good councelor, not another ex in his life. Try to suggest counceling. He doesn't sound happy. You are not doing anything wrong. You sound like a real catch, and the type of woman who would be enough for any man. This is his issue. His refusal to be honest is very alarming. Don't be afraid to stand up for yourself. If you feel he is taking it too far tell him your uncomfortable and need him to stop. If he has as much interest in the well being of his marriage, as he does in contacting other women, he'll do right by you without you having to fight him in it. Tell him what you need from him. Good Luck!
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-17-2003
Thu, 03-08-2007 - 3:37pm
I'm sorry but the hitting thing would be a deal breaker. If he's hit you before, are you so sure he won't do it again? I think your instincts about leaving are dead-on. He may be worth keeping if he gets counseling, but is he willing to do that? Even if he is, I highly suggest living apart until he gets his act together. Your baby deserves a secure, loving set of parents. A baby is also extremely demanding and if he doesn't like it NOW when things aren't going his way, he's going to be in for a world of hurt when the baby comes. Hitting and cheating are deal-breakers for me, and it sounds like he is considering cheating, TBH.

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