Husband Dissatisfied With My New Look

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-12-2011
Husband Dissatisfied With My New Look
10
Sun, 11-04-2012 - 7:23am

I recently turned 55 and decided to make some changes in the way I dress in light of my middle age. Even though I am 55 I don’t look like it and people think I am in my 30’s. I have a 29 year old son and when we are out together people think I am his girlfriend and are shocked when he calls me mom. I have always worked out and taken care of my body and younger guys are always hitting on me. I think the way I dress could also be part of the problem. My husband is always buying me short dresses and skirts because I have nice legs and he likes to see my legs and low cut tops because I have large breast.

I saw this show that said people should dress according to their age and I decided to give away all my short skirts and dresses and started wearing what I feel is appropriate for my age. I also decided that I wanted to be comfortable when I go to bed and stopped wearing all these sexy night gowns my husband has brought me for years and started wearing cotton comfortable nightgowns. I  also started wearing lower heels on my shoes because I had injured my back in a car accident over a year ago. My back has healed but I haven’t gone back to my 4 inch high heels.

My husband has started complaining about the way I dress now and when I explained to him why he said I was being ridiculous and that age has nothing to do with it. He said that if I want to dress like an old lady when he is not with me that’s ok, but when we go out together he would like to see some legs and for me to look sexy.

For years I have known and accepted I was his eye candy and that being with me boosted his ego and I was ok with that. But now I feel given my age I should not be dressing like woman years younger even if I don‘t look my age.

I just need an outside opinion about the matter because my husband is very unhappy and thinks I am being silly and that my change is more about me feeling old.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-08-2012
Mon, 01-07-2013 - 12:06am

I had a strange thought which begs the question:

Is the fact you are not dressing as "young or sexy" as before, making him worry about his own age and mortality?

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-01-2013
Tue, 01-01-2013 - 6:42pm
I think you can look very sexy but do keep him in mind because he is afteral your partner and should have some say in the matter. There are many ways you can look super sexy and not over do it. Clubwear always does the trick. Try this for example: http://devilswink.com/clubwear/rock-that-look/mini-dress.html
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-12-2011
Mon, 11-12-2012 - 9:59am

I think I have found a compromise, I went shopping again and found these cute dresses that are above the knee but not short and showed enough clevage and leg to be sexy but not too revealing. One of them was a red dress that had black lace across the bust and one the top of the dress was made out of black lace and the bottom had a black and white leopard print. I think he is now seeing I can still look nice and sexy without having on shorts skirts and plunging necklines.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2008
Fri, 11-09-2012 - 1:45am
I think once we get to a certain age, we want to be more independent and want to simplify things in our lives. It sounds like for a long time now you've known and gone along with your husband's idea of sexy/appealing in the way you dress and spruce yourself up. It's all well and good if you have decided you want a big change there, but he's now standing there wondering what the devil is going on, too. It's not totally fair to him, don't you think? He's free to dress and look as HE pleases, it's only fair that you should be, as well, but you have KNOWN and stated you know you've been arm candy for him all these years, so I hear your change in appearance is shocking to him and he kinda wants his old girl back. This shouldn't be a deal breaker, surely you two can do better than this and find compromise. Sexy doesn't have to be over the top, some of the sexiest looks are also some of the simplest looks, whether you're talking about clothes, makeup, hair, and actions. Mine has thought of me as his arm candy, as well, and even today he says I look at least 5 years younger than my age, but I'm shooting for simplified and comfortable these days, it can be done. Just give him a thrill occasionally, it's time for him to give you the freedom to look the way YOU want - we're all entitled.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-12-2011
Tue, 11-06-2012 - 9:45am

You are soo right men have no idea the discomfort of some of these styles of clothing they make for woman. I looked at this woman the other day, she had to be about 65 and she had on these 5 inch platform zebra print shoes, whereas the shoes were pretty she walked as if she was going to fall at any minute and I thought, what the heck is that woman thinking. I still wear my shorts and little t-shirts in the house because they are comfortable. And now I feel good that when I go out because I'm not having to pull down my skirt because it has rose up.

Avatar for Kendahke1
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-09-2012
Mon, 11-05-2012 - 6:41pm

keepingitreal1 wrote:
<p>I recently turned 55 and decided to make some changes in the way I dress in light of my middle age. Even though I am 55 I don’t look like it and people think I am in my 30’s. I have a 29 year old son and when we are out together people think I am his girlfriend and are shocked when he calls me mom. I have always worked out and taken care of my body and younger guys are always hitting on me. I think the way I dress could also be part of the problem. My husband is always buying me short dresses and skirts because I have nice legs and he likes to see my legs and low cut tops because I have large breast.</p><p>I saw this show that said people should dress according to their age and I decided to give away all my short skirts and dresses and started wearing what I feel is appropriate for my age. I also decided that I wanted to be comfortable when I go to bed and stopped wearing all these sexy night gowns my husband has brought me for years and started wearing cotton comfortable nightgowns. I  also started wearing lower heels on my shoes because I had injured my back in a car accident over a year ago. My back has healed but I haven’t gone back to my 4 inch high heels.</p><p>My husband has started complaining about the way I dress now and when I explained to him why he said I was being ridiculous and that age has nothing to do with it. He said that if I want to dress like an old lady when he is not with me that’s ok, but when we go out together he would like to see some legs and for me to look sexy.</p><p>For years I have known and accepted I was his eye candy and that being with me boosted his ego and I was ok with that. But now I feel given my age I should not be dressing like woman years younger even if I don‘t look my age.</p><p>I just need an outside opinion about the matter because my husband is very unhappy and thinks I am being silly and that my change is more about me feeling old.</p>

It would appear that your husband is very visually turned on by you and how you look--that should be no surprise to you by now.   Is he that put out that he will take his disappointment out on you by treating you badly or cheating on you with a younger woman? 

It also is apparent that this is more about the boost to his ego than it is the comfort zone in which you'd like to be, so perhaps that is the question that needs to be put to him: "Is your ego more important than my discomfort and inconvenience?' Anyone who would argue to someone who has had a back injury that they insist they should wear 4 in heels (girl, I'm 52 and I can't look at a pair of 4 inch heels without my knees and hips breaking out in protest) is someone who is not interested in the inconvenience the wearer is put through, but more the ego boost he's getting when it comes to the estimation of other males... and that reeks of insecurity.

The nightgown thing, I would compromise on with him. I'm sure there is a workable middle ground where sleep attire is concerned.  But the super short skirts and the 4-inch heels I would not.  A skirt at or and inch above the knee and a 2 1/2-3 inch heel is still quite nice and tasteful--and sexy-age appropriate. (I like my skirts to hit right at the curve of the knee and to show off my calves in 3 inch heels. I don't have much cleavage to speak of, but once I buy me some, I'd be showing that off tastefully, too).

Some men aren't aware of what is appropriate fashion for a woman in her 50's--because you are still his hot wife, he apparently loves dressing you like a 30 yr old milf.  However, the body does age; the joints aren't what they were 20-30 years ago and yes, it's quite reasonable to want to wear a lower heel because one's knees and hips are screaming in pain. and truth be told, by 55, you've "been there, done that" as far as the sex kitten clothing is concerned--so I get that. (I say that as I sit at this computer in some yoga pants and an oversized pull over hoodie cotton shirt).

Tell you what:  buy him some 4-inch heels and tell him to walk around the house all weekend in them and if he can tolerate the discomfort in his knees and hips, you may think about reconsidering your viewpoint (not change it, but think about reconsidering).

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Sun, 11-04-2012 - 10:14pm

I understand what you are saying.  I have a friend who is 46--she's beautiful enough to be a model, but she's a high school teacher so she has to dress very conservatively at work.  But even when we go out, she wears nice clothes but nothing too racy--she gets enough attention from men just because of her looks.  I hope if you explain it to your DH that you are tired of people looking at you like a sex object and it was interfering with your relationships with people, that he would understand.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-12-2011
Sun, 11-04-2012 - 8:04pm

I don't dress matronly, I wear my hem line above the knee and show less leg and my clothes are still form fitting, just not showing as much chest. I feel more comfortable now, like I am not so much on display. Before when I would walk into someplace I would get all these dirty looks from woman because their guys would be eyeing me, now when I go places I don't get it so much anymore and woman actually talk to me now. I've even made a new friend I met when my husband and I were out, I have not made a new friend in years, woman just seem to be threatened by me.

I also like dressing myself and buying my own clothes for a change, I just think my husband's ego is tied too much with my appearance. I like going to bed without a thong up my behind and my boobs hanging all out. I still have my sexy night gowns but I don't wear them all the time any more.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Sun, 11-04-2012 - 5:34pm

I'm the same age as you & although I look younger than my age, I don't have a voluptous body (say, someone like Sofia Vergara) and I've never been comfortable with clothes that would show cleavage or very short skirts.  It just seems like you have gone to extremes.  I do think that sometimes it can look ridiculous for a middle aged woman to wear clothes that look like only a 20 yr old should wear them, but it sounds like you have gone to the extreme of looking matronly, which I also try to avoid.  I think generally for a middle aged woman, skirts should be to the top of the knee or a couple of inches above if you have good legs--it you wore a skirt that barely covered your rear, I do think that would be ridiculous.  I do think you could make a compromise by wearing something more conservative for day or work but wearing something more sexy for a night out w/ your DH.  I also think that changing from sexy lingerie to cotton nightgowns might be giving your DH the idea that you don't want to have sex or wanting to be sexy for him.  Maybe you could get some advice from a sales person in a store or look up some photos of celebs that are our age but still look great (like Christie Brinkley for instance) and see how they dress to still look good but not sleazy.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-14-2001
Sun, 11-04-2012 - 3:05pm

I don't think there's one right answer here.  You admit that all along you've recognized you were his eye candy and went along with it. By going along you encouraged it and reinforced with him that choosing how you dress was just fine.  Now you've decided it's not fine and expect him to like it.  I don't think that's reasonable, do you?  I also think that a certain amount of dressing to please your husband is acceptable and, I think, the right thing to do.  Think about it the other way around, do you ever want your husband to wear certain things when you're together?  

I also think one should never dress in a way that makes you feel uncomfortable.  Not for anyone - and no one should expect you to dress in a way that you're not comfortable (assuming you tell them how it makes you feel).  We should be free to dress in a way that we feel good about. 

I find it odd that reading an article would make you change the way you dress after all these years.  Surely there must be more to this than just reading an artilce?  You're describing some pretty drastic wardrobe changes, such that I would think would make you feel uncomfortable!

I'm your same age and I do understand that dilemma of worrying that you're dressing too young. I'm also mistaken for much younger than I am, but when I look at the kind of clothes women my age are "supposed" to wear, it makes me shudder a bit.  I just steer clear of clothes that are clearly too young and have some people in my life I can trust to be honest about whether I can pull off the clothes I'm wearing.  

All in all I'd say if you can pull off the look, age should NOT be what determines your clothing style.  Your personality and personal preferences should.

I a


~ cl-2nd_life

cl-2nd_