husband drinking
Find a Conversation
| Fri, 05-12-2006 - 3:51am |
hi i was hoping for some advice
i have been married just over 1 year we have a very usual relatonship, argue sometimes happy most of the time. well my hubby has been drinking quite a lot,indoors and when we go out , ia m not that big a drinker, a couple when we go out but not really indoors. i am fine with him having a glass of wine with dinner and a few pints when we go out, but recently we have been out and he starts an argumentand its all my fault, so i stopped drinking when we go out so i cant be blamed for doing anything.
well we had yet another arguement so i told him it was not my fault as i was sober, we talked the next day and i told him he needs to cut the drinking down otherwise i will not be hanging around, he said he didnt really see a problem but would cut down.
well that was 2 weeks ago and he has done pretty well, but now all i get when we go out is him saying can i have a drink, he told all his friends that he has to stop drinking because i told him to, but i would like him to take responsibility for it and think himself if he wants a drink and if he has had enough, but he just doesnt see its his responsibility.
i would really apriciate any advice

Hi Apple
I'm curious about your husband's drinking habits before you were married. You've implied that his heavy drinking is a new thing. Is this correct?
If so, is there anything that has changed in his life that may drive him to drink? You mentioned that you argue sometimes in your relationship - could this be effecting him at all? Could he be trying to escape from issues at home?
I understand that you feel your relationship is "normal", however there are varying degrees of 'normal'. For instance, if a partner raised their voice at me - or sulked, it would be a dealbreaker....but for other people, it's quite acceptable. Perhaps what you view as normal, he sees as unacceptable?
That aside, I'm concerned that you take the "it's not my fault, I was sober" stance. People can be wrong when sober. Especially when one's tolerance is down and one is therefore more narky. Would I be right in guessing that you're a "right" fighter? That is, you like to be the one who is "right"?
Having said all that, I'm so with you in that the volume he drinks is unacceptable. I just think that we have to look at the cause of the problem, rather than addressing the drinking on it's own.
Welcome to the board, Apple2006 ~
I can completely relate to your feelings and concerns about your husband's excessive drinking; my ex-husband was an alcoholic. First some stuff you didn't ask for:
I completely understand cutting yourself off drinking. I assume he gets argumentative when he drinks then puts you in the mix of blame because "you were drinking too"? Not unusual. Also, if they're drinking too much it feels like you have to stop altogether or you'll hear "So what's the problem -- you drink." It feels like if you don't stop completely yourself, you're giving them the message that it's okay for them to drink (always interpreted as "as much as you want") or you're giving them something else to focus on (you and drinking) in order for them to avoid dealing with their own drinking when confronted. If he's got a drinking problem, the fact is he'll drink whether you drink or not and he'll find excuses for it whether those excuses involve you or not.
If you're talking to him about his drinking while he's drinking or after he's been drinking, you're never going to get anything but trouble. I don't know that you're doing this, but it's worth throwing out there in case you are. Always wait until the next day and complete sobriety and lack of any alcohol at all before talking about it. Unless, of course, there's always a drink in his hand....
Now for what you did ask for:
You don't need to be his scapegoat, blaming you for not being able to drink is ridiculous and I would tell him so -- but not in those exact words. I would calmly and evenly tell him that you have not forbidden him to drink and he is free to do whatever he chooses. I'd remind him that you cannot control what he does, the only person you can control is you. With that in mind, you've told him plainly what you will do if he chooses to continue to drink. Whether he drinks or not is his choice, you've not *made* him stop doing anything, you've simply told him what you'll do if he chooses to continue. If it were me, I would start by talking to him when things are good, relaxed and calm between us. I'd tell him it seems like alcohol has become a real issue. I'd tell him I was concerned about the amount and frequency of his drinking, and if the amount of consumption is new, I'd ask if there was a problem he was using alcohol to deal with. If that's the case, he needs a better outlet. If it's not, I would reiterate that I was concerned about the increase and ask him what he thought; why he was drinking more if the amount and frequency didn't concern him, etc. I would also reiterate what I'd said before, that if his drinking continued, I would leave. (Good for you, by the way). I would tell him that being conscious of what he was doing, monitoring himself and taking action was a good thing, a smart, proactive step to take, not an embarrassment. Then, maybe depending on how the talk went, I would tell give him the statement about not *making* him stop drinking. However, if he made those "she won't let me drink" statements again when I was around I would loudly state the truth -- that I did not make him stop, that he was free to choose what he did, but that if he chose to drink he would be drinking alone because I would leave, period. That ought to put a stop to his complaining and making you out to be the bad guy.
If what you've been doing is jumping in and defending yourself, you've been playing into his game of non-responsibility and "poor me". Honestly, I have to tell you, I don't think it's a very good sign that he's unwilling to look at this reasonably and responsibly. How old is he?
~ cl-2nd_life"Experience is what you get
when you don't get what you want."
~ Author unknown
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
hi thanks for your responses he is 34, he has always liked a drink but more so recently he says there is no reason for it other than he likes it. as for the talking while he is drinking i always say not to worry we will talk about it tommorrw but he will not let it go, i stopped drinking for two reasons 1 i do not need a drink 2 because i felt i was always being blamed and i actually started to question myself thinking well maybe it is me so thats why
i do not want to walk out, when i got into this i knew it was a lot of work and was prepared for that but not this.
thank you for your replys
The reason I suggested telling him what I did was based on your statement that you wouldn't stay if this continued. Am I misreading your post? It sounds like you're saying that while you made the statement that you'd leave if it continued it's not what you intend to do.
~ cl-2nd_life"Experience is what you get
when you don't get what you want."
~ Author unknown
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
no what i meant was that i knew you have to work at relationships/marraige and i want to but i did not expect this kind of a prob i know marrage is not easy and you have to work at it.we did not have any major probs before we got married.
and to ans your other question if this problem does not get sorted i will walk however hard it will be i am not willing to put myself through that
thanks for your advice and thoughts.
For instance, I know a guy who had been drinking excessively for an extended time (months). He got a DUI and, as a result decided drinking caused problems in his life and wasn't something he should do -- ever, so he stopped drinking completely. That's the kind of response that's appropriate and healthy; taking a look at what your behavior is doing to your life and taking appropriate steps to change it.
Believe me, I know how hard it is to walk. The truth is though, that if they're not effectively dealing with their problem and doing what they need to do to get control of it (stop drinking, seek treatment) it's not something that's going to stop. There may be better times and worse times, but it'll always be there.
You might want to check in with the Dealing with Addictions board for help and support too.Best of luck, Apple2006 ~
~ cl-2nd_life"Experience is what you get
when you don't get what you want."
~ Author unknown
Edited 5/13/2006 1:04 pm ET by cl-2nd_life
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"