Husband is gambling addict

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-06-2007
Husband is gambling addict
21
Tue, 02-06-2007 - 3:19pm

My husband has put us in bankruptcy. He gambled away tens of thousands of dollars. I, of course, unwittingly enabled him. I took out loans to pay markers for him and put him on my credit card after I learned about his problem so I could monitor his spending (he maxed out the cash limits on his many, many cards) only to find out he promptly maxed out the cash limit on my card. I am a pay-in-advance kind of person, so it's all very hard for me.

The real problem is I keep having flashbacks to the things he's done and lies he told and times he manipulated me and that's all making it hard to forgive and forget. What makes it harder is I love him so, so much. I can't imagine leaving him even though any sane person would.

He acts like everything bad is behind us...he's fine. But we're losing our house and we have kids...how is anything OK?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-15-2005
Tue, 02-06-2007 - 3:46pm
Is he seeking help for his addiction?



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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 02-06-2007 - 3:55pm

Mamacita 74, my husband is a gambling addict.








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-06-2007
Tue, 02-06-2007 - 6:55pm
Yes and no. He refused to go to Gamblers Anonymous, but he has been in therapy with a specialist in addiction. Problem is, he hasn't been in more than a month. I try to make the point that he need to go without being a nag, but that's nearly impossible. I don't want to push too hard...he might push back by going back to the blackjack table.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-06-2007
Tue, 02-06-2007 - 6:58pm
He has seen a therapist, but won't go to GA. Any advise you have is greatly appreciated...I'm at a loss.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-06-2007
Tue, 02-06-2007 - 7:06pm
Sorry...missed part of your question. No, never been here before. Today's my first day. I just needed a large group of people to draw from...so lost.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 02-06-2007 - 10:14pm
Mamacita, of course it's not fine, you know it's not fine. I'm not going to tell you anything you want to hear, but I think you already know that. You can't *make* him go to treatment, and if he goes because you make him, he won't get anything out of it anyway. Getting and staying in control of his gambling problem has to be something he wants to do. I don't blame you for being panicked that he isn't going to treatment, I'd feel the same way, because you know it's only a matter of time before he's back to gambling. If he's not going to treatment he's already telling himself he's fine, doesn't need it, he isn't really addicted..... Just like alcoholics, they won't stop until they're ready, and they may never be ready.


Does he have access to your money? Do you have money set aside in a savings account that he doesn't know about and can't touch? Is his therapist an addiction treatment group/center or is he seeing an individual therapist? If it's an addiction program, do they have resources for family? Let me know, we'll keep talking, okay?


Just because he doesn't go to GA doesn't mean you shouldn't go to Gam-Anon

Gam-Anon.


Another board you might find helpful is

Dealing with Addictions








~ cl-2nd_life

"Experience is what you get
When you don't get what you want"

~ Author unknown








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 02-08-2007 - 7:53pm

Your name sounded familiar, but I realize now it was another poster I was thinking of, Mamiflaquita.








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-06-2007
Thu, 02-08-2007 - 8:37pm

I'm OK. I've had sick kids at home and yesterday was my first bankruptcy hearing (I was a wreck all day leading up to it and then a sobbing mess all night after).

I know this is his problem and I can't fix it. I just hate having to sit back and watch us be ruined.

I don't have a lot of money, but I do have a supportive family begging to let them help me. That's worth so much.

I'll be in touch more. I really appreciate the support.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 02-08-2007 - 9:17pm
I'm so sorry you're going through this. Is your husband attending the hearings too? Is it necessary for you to be there? I completely understand you being a basket case before, during and after.


What kind of support is your family offering? Financial, emotional, both or something else?








~ cl-2nd_life

"Experience is what you get
When you don't get what you want"

~ Author unknown








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-06-2007
Fri, 02-09-2007 - 8:08am

He and I filed bankruptcy separately both because we don't have any joint debts (second marriage for both, we both had all our own stuff coming in and don't have any creditors in common...my debt came about covering his mistakes after being promised "it'll never happen again") and because I'm stubborn and refused to declare bankruptcy (I hate not keeping promises and being irresponsible). He had his hearing about a month ago and was supposed to go with me for mine, but we had 6" of snow that day and the kids were out of school, so he stayed with them.

My family has offered me everything...money, kind words, people to vent on, someplace to live and anything else they can think of. My father was sick a few weeks ago and I drove him around for a day. He filled my gas tank and even covered a big bill I stopped to pay along the way. My mom keeps sneaking money into my purse when I see her. I'm bad at asking for help and it makes me feel like a freeloader, but I'm in no position to complain.

The big, big thing that has me worried is that we're losing the house and we're not entirely sure when. Since it'll be foreclosed on, we have to wait for it to get through court and then go to auction. That could take up to six months, but no one can be absolutley sure. The good news (I guess) is there are so many foreclosures in our area, the courts have a backload.

I wanto to work on finding a new place now, but he thinks it's too early and I can't get him to move faster. I don't need all the answers, but I do need to feel secure and I need him to act like this is important for my sake.

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