Husband has been unemployed for over 2 years... It's really stressing me out!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-24-2011
Husband has been unemployed for over 2 years... It's really stressing me out!!
15
Tue, 05-24-2011 - 4:37pm

Back in the summer of 2007, my husband was laid off for over 1.5 years because of the automobile industry collapse. He worked for 4 months (Dec 2008 - Apr 2009) and was laid off again by another company. Now its May 2011 and he is still unemployed (I guess that makes him unemployed for 3.5 years!!)

I do not believe in nagging at him because we are both adults. However, I am pretty sure he hasn't been actively looking for work. He's sitting around and waiting for his friends to hand him a job (that's how he got the previous jobs). I asked him to take some courses so that he can keep up with the industry (both of us are IT geeks). He kept on giving me excuses such as the courses haven't started or his friend's work might have an opening soon, etc.

I am getting really fed up and stressed out. To begin with,

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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-29-2002

You know sometimes you have to lay down the law, and see where it leads you.

Maybe it is time to tell him he either finds a job or moves out.

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Community Leader
Registered: 05-14-2001

Welcome to the board, Wahhx3 ~

I've


~ cl-2nd_life

cl-2nd_
Avatar for khatru1
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-07-2004

As the others have said, its affecting your daughter very much even though you don't think so. She is 12 and very much into the transitional time when young people really start to think for themselves and figure stuff out for themselves. She can compare and contrast your relationship with your husband to her friends parents relationships. She will find out no one elses parents sleep in seperate bedrooms, etc. When she gets older she will probably wonder why you waited so long to fix this situation.

As for your chinese culture, the stigma of divorce was also very much a part of every culture at one time, for example American culture. But times change and now look , people are doing what they have to do to be happy. Your relatives and friends may poo-poo divorce but they don't have to live with your bum of a husband. I am not saying divorce is the only option here, but do not rule it out just because of your culture.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-24-2011

:-) Thank you very much for the reply.

Unfortunately I gave him two ultimatums in the past year but he would just walk away from the room without giving me any responses/feedback (hence no arguements).

He cannot be a Stay at home dad because he does NOT do housework, even when he's not working.

I just realized something... I'm the one who let things go this far. I am feeling sick in my stomach right now ... not sure what should I do ... call it quit? *sigh*

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-24-2011

Thank you very much for the warm welcome, 2nd_life :-)

You and khatrul are absolutely right. My relationship with my husband does and will have a very negative impact on my daughter. Thank you very much for pointing this out to me. I guess I've been blinded by the rage, stress, disappointments and I refuse to see how the whole situation may jeopardize my daughter's future relationships. I believe my husband learned how to deal with marital issues from his parents. I remember seeing his mother yelling at his dad a few times and his dad would ignore her and walk away. They also never talked "to" each other (only yelling or one sided communication). They also slept in separate quarters. So my marriage is a mirror image of his parents' marriage. I really do not want this for my daughter or have her think this is the 'norm'.

I believe I am ready to throw in the towel. I tried everything from talking to him in a civilized way, telling him how I feel, all the way to screaming and yelling at him. Nothing worked. He just ignored my existence by continue to watch TV, play with his iphone, read the newspaper, or walk away from me. He knows exactly how I feel/think but he refuses to do anything about it.

I feel like I have a 'battered wife' syndrome. The issue is way beyond him being out of work for a few years. I know this relationship has gone down hill for the longest time and it's emotionally draining.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-06-2007
Are you guys not talking at ALL, as in you can't even ask him, "Do you envision living a like just like this for the next 30 years? Is this enough for you?"

Have you asked him if he'd like to separate or end this marriage?

What if you gave him only compliments? (Not sure what you could compliment him on?)

He might be able to get alimony from you if he wanted it. I supported my ex, paid for all of his schooling while he made like $10k a year, and a divorce lawyer told me if he asked for it a judge would grant short term alimony. Not a reason to stay but just some research to look into.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999

This situation is working out quite well for him--you are all stressed out, worrying, nagging, doing the work outside & inside the house, while he gets to relax, not look for work and probably gets home cooked meals every night.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2008

Hi;

I agree in that why would he leave? the guy has it made in the shade .. Yes; I would def. look into legal counsel and all of that.

If I were you I would get him out of your house and life and move on.. but that is me.

I am not a person who likes divorce but if this guy wont go to counseling or even talk to you what is the point. You would do better without him.

You would do so much better and feel a whole lot better without him dragging you down and making you sick and that includes your poor daughter. As 2nd life said and Dr.Phil points out by this behavior in the home you are changing who your daughter and is supposed to be as she grows up. You are wriitng in the wall of her life and the writing in your home at this time is not good.

It also sounds like your hubby is being emotionally abusive towards you.. You need to educate yourself on that if that is the case.

Are you in therapy? If not maybe its a good time to start seeing one. They help you get unstuck when you cant make good and solid decsions. It truly does help in many ways.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-24-2011

Ouch! That's what I'm afraid of. That is not fair!! Why should we have to pay for alimony? It's not like they can't work!! *sigh again*

I did say to him that I cannot live this way anymore, then he did his usual "walk away". I feel totally defeated. Yes, I definitely need to do some research on separation/divorce laws here in Canada :-(

Thank you so much for your response :-)

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-29-2002

You know.

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