Husband like Jekyll & Hyde...please help

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2005
Husband like Jekyll & Hyde...please help
17
Sat, 10-15-2005 - 4:14pm

Hi everyone. I am new here and am having a hard time in my marriage. I have been married for almost a year and a half, and we have a 2 month old son. My husband is in the military, so we live far away from any family.
Anyways, since we have been married, 5 times so far he has blown up at me (for seemingly minor annoyances) and said he wanted a divorce, should have never married me, etc.

YESTERDAY was the worst of them all. We were driving along the highway, headed to the grocery store w/ our son in the backseat, and something was wrong w/ the car, so my husband pulled over to the side of the highway. I was kind of scared (and I do admit that I am a very anxious person, asking questions a lot, and sometimes they are unneccessary...I can be annoying at times, unknowingly at the time) and kept asking him "WHAT HAPPENED??? what's wrong???" and he BLEW UP! He said that i needed to "f'ing calm down!" and then he took the CD out of the CD player and threw it as hard as he could at my feet. THAT scared me, so i quieted down immediately. We continued our drive to the store, and my husband was still irritated and kept driving kind of erratically...not too bad, but kind of scary..he CAN be worse (he has bad road rage at times too!).. and i started crying (just upset that he was acting this way) and he looked at me and said "why are you crying??? i am NOT apoligizing this time...everytime i do, its to get you to shut up..and i don't really mean it.." and i said "you are being mean!!" and he mocked me and said "boo f'ing hoo"...at this point, i was really upset...and still crying, but trying to stop! we pulled up to the store and he stopped the car and he told me that i annoyed the #### out of him, always asked stupid questions, etc. I said "then why are you married to me?!?!" and he told me "I am going to FINALLY tell you the truth... i married you because i didn't want to come up here (to the military base across the country from anyone he knew) alone." he looked at me with the straightest face possible..and i was crushed. i was so upset..and he showed absolutely NO emotion. just looked at me dead on. he said that we are two different people, and i was NOT the kind of person he wanted to be with...that we have been together too long...shouldnt have gotten married or had a baby together...said i have NO common sense...am very smart otherwise, but lack common sense. he said that we are opposites..he is laid back and i am high strung..and said that he didn't want to do this, but, he wanted a divorce. he said that he will miss his baby boy (does really love him) but that we should move back home and that i could have the car. said he will move back home after he gets out of military so he could be near baby. he said i "stressed him out" and that if we divorced, the stress would "lift away" ...he basically just acted like i was NOTHING to him.
this whole time, i was crying and he thought it was stupid..he said "why are you crying?? why do you care?? why do you love me?" cause i kept saying that i loved him and that i didnt want a divorce, and that i didnt think he meant it..he said he wouldnt say it if he didnt mean it.
let me remind you all, that he had done this 4 previous times before in our marriage...but this time was the worst..saying that for sure he wanted a divorce. i reacted the same way each time..crying, promising to change, etc. and each time after, he would apoligize eventually and say he didnt mean it, and things would go back to normal again. sure enough, this is what happened again!
when we got home, he went straight into the other room and played on the computer for about 10 mins. THEN, he came into the living room where i was laying down on the couch, still crying a little bit, and he asked me what was wrong..then he held out his arms to me and pulled me in for a hug. i was flabbergasted at this point. he said that he was "just joking" and didnt mean any of it..was just upset and needed to cool down..and that he just said all that stuff to upset me/anger me because he was upset w/ me. he acted like everything should go back to normal. i was relieved that he didnt want a divorce, really, but was still very upset..and even more upset that he could just act like everything was back to normal again!! i kept pulling away from him and was still upset while he was trying to talk to me, and then he put his hands on my neck and pressed kind of hard...not hard enough to cut off my air supply or anything, but hard enough to scare me..and he did this for maybe 5-10 secs, then released me. while he was doing this, he had a terrible mean look on his face....after he released me, he admitted to me that he thought he had a problem and needed help and that I should help him..he said he would rather not "see someone" about it, if possible, but i told him he should. he has been doing this "grabbing my neck" thing since the baby has been born..and does it sometimes "just in play" ..when we are just playing around w/ eachother..but other times he does it when hes angry, and it scares me.. he acts like he is very scared after he does it too.
MY question is...WHAT should i do? i love this man and want to be w/ him forever!! we have a newborn son together!!
WHY DO YOU THINK he is behaving this way?? saying these things to me?? do you think he REALLY wants a divorce, or what???
i need help!!!! thank you in advance to anyone willing to respond!!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 10-17-2005 - 11:53pm

Oh Sweetie, this is very serious. Please do learn all you can about domestic violence so that you can be as aware as possible of what's happening and what you can expect. While you're the situation you find yourself in is new to you and you try to make sense of it, try to find ways to assure yourself that it will be okay, your husband won't do it again, etc. the rest of us here are sadly very aware that what he's done and what he's saying are very normal for an abusive man and very predictable too, as is the fact that it will continue to happen until you leave or are killed. It's not you, he'll be this way with any woman he's with. A very eye-opening book would be “Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men” by Lundy Bancroft . Please read the articles and information linked on the Domestic Abuse Board’s Homepage and please keep checking in with their board, Dealing With Domestic Abuse board, even if you don't post, keep reading, But do post when you need help. Keep the National Domestic Violence Hotline number (800-799-SAFE (7233)) close.


Wondering, as Marcymay mentioned, what do you think your parents would say about this? Do you think they'd encourage you to stay? Do you think they'd think this was all right? What would you tell a friend to do who was in your situation? Would you encourage her to stay?


Please consider what you're doing. I'm very worried about you.







~ cl-2nd_life

"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."

~ Author unknown

my signature exchange partner:

Living Together



Edited 10/18/2005 2:03 am ET by cl-2nd_life








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-21-2005
Tue, 10-18-2005 - 8:52am

Mommy2one,
Do not ignore the advice of the women on this board. This is going to sound harsh but it doesn't matter that you don't have skills, a job, money, please leave NOW.

I don't know if this is the case but you're husband could also have serious mental issues that need to be medicated. I have seen both friends and personal relatives who go untreated for anger/psychological issues such as this. My friend's 8 year old daughter is now traumatized and in therapy because of her father beating up her mother, and he was supposedly a "changed man" had made great progress, etc. etc. etc...

We are probably scaring you but you need to be scared because you are putting yourself and your baby son in danger. I don't care if he is RARELY like this, you need to get out now. I know this is probably going to be one of the hardest things you ever do, but please do it. Someone out there I know will be willing to help you. Mommy2one, please I beg of you do not ignore the advice of the women on here and I know that he is in therapy but it has just begun and I assure you he has a very long way to go before he gets to a point where he will be safe for you to be around.

You are in a TRAP. He is EXTREMELY psychologically unstable and he needs SERIOUS help. Please mommy2one, PLEASE go...if he is at all afraid of himself, you need to be VERY afraid.
I know it's going to sound scary that all this is being said, but you need to be afraid of this man and protect yourself. Please please please go...

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-19-2008
Tue, 10-18-2005 - 12:33pm

The thing I'm afraid of for you is the thing that I think is actually causing you to have hope, and that is the couples counseling.

Be very careful!!! I haven't posted in here in a long time but I too am trapped in an abusive relationship (not physically but still damaging psychologically) and one of the worst things I ever did was to agree to couples counseling, or to just him going to his counselor who then later saw us together. Oh My God! My husband sat and lied with the straightest face possible, with all these false emotions with just the right pitiful look on his face and tone of voice professing love for me(that his behavior demonstrates he has never had), telling one lie after the next, first about himself and how great he is, and then about me. It turns out I was the one with the problem????????? The therapist believed every word he said and proceeded to turn it into a "blame Vonique and make her explain every little thing she's ever done in the entire marriage". I felt like I was on trial with two "men" wearing me down. The therapist actually scolded me that I better watch my temper (something I truly have never had a problem with----unlike my husband).

So, I just had to jump in and completely agree with all the ladies who have responded and I wish there was something more someone could say or do to help, but it's going to have to come from within yourself to leave, and I am in the same situation. I too have no good job skills and am using that same excuse. Trouble is, when it comes down to it, who's going to pay the rent? And my fear keeps me here.

Enough about me. I'm physically safe, at least. But you.....I worry about the little one. Please be careful. And do some research about how successful counseling is regarding abusers. The gals on this forum could probably help you more with that, but my own personal therapist that I have now told me that less than 2 or 3 percent of men ever really change.

Stay well,and God Bless you and your child,
Vonique

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 10-19-2005 - 1:40am

It's nice to see you again, Vonique. What did you end up doing, moving or staying?


You are absolutely correct in saying that couples counseling is not the right thing to do in these kinds of situations, for the reasons you experienced in your situation and more. There's actually an article posted in our Information and Resources section that I "borrowed" from the Domestic Abuse board that covers that very subject. Since it explains it all so much better than I, I'm happy to just provide the link:
Counseling and Domestic Abuse


Vonique, I didn't fully realize when you posted before that your husband is verbally/emotionally abusive. I have to say if I'd had that realization I wouldn't have made the suggestions that I did. It also sounds like your husband and my ex have more in common that the connections I made back when you posted before; my ex was also verbally and emotionally abusive. Verbal and emotional abuse has been found to be more damaging and the effects longer lasting than that of physical abuse, do not for one minute downplay abuse other than physical as not being "so bad". It makes you "crazy" confused and doubt yourself. You begin to wonder if maybe it is your fault, maybe you shouldn't have done whatever it was that set him off... the reality is that there's no way to guess what will and won't set him off, it changes like the wind. Meanwhile, you end up walking on eggshells with a knot in your belly hoping against hope that he won't be upset/angry tonight. You silently wish the kids to be quiet and happy, you feverently hope for a smooth evening or day. It's hell.


Vonique, I don't understand how it is you say Mommy2one21 has options and should leave but then say you're "stuck" just like she is. Funny that you see leaving is right for her but not for you. You're no more stuck and the truth for both of you is that while it may be a struggle for a while, you will survive and in fact, you'll flourish. Getting out from under abuse makes anything and everything you have to endure as a result a pleasure and a welcome change. How do I know? When I left my husband I had been a stay-at-home mom for eight years. I had no job, had no job prospect. I had a seven year old and a three year old and no job in sight. Who would hire me when I hadn't been in the workforce for so long? I had no college degree, no expectations that a job would be forthcoming, in fact, I expected the opposite, that there would be no business that would be interested in hiring me. I just could not live like that another day. It wasn't easy, I did find work, albeit part time employment, but you know what? You take what you can get to put food on the table. There were times I worked multiple part-time jobs and yes, I struggled. I was on food stamps for a while and on the state's health insurance program, it wasn't easy. But you know what else? I always had a smile on my face, the sky was always blue, life was wonderful, free and easy. After less than a week of being devastated that daddy no longer lived with us, the kids were happier, more relaxed and easy than I'd ever seen them, and I hadn't even realized they were affected by it. Times were tough from the money point of view for about a year, then I landed a good paying job with benefits and was on my way.

My points are these:
  • Tough times are a matter of opinion. At no time did I regret my decision and at no time -- even for a second -- did I consider going back. No matter how tough things got, it was so much easier than dealing with my ex, living in that kind of hell, it might have looked tough to some on the outside, but to those who have lived the kind of lives that comes with abuse, it was EASY -- a pleasure.
  • No matter how "stuck" you think you are, the only way to unstick yourself is to get moving -- the sooner you start the sooner you'll be there.
  • Options. Family, shelters, retraining centers, undereducated women trying to make ends meet is hardly news. There are programs and groups set up to help you. All of us do it one step at a time. From those getting out of abusive situations, to those who find themselves divorced and unequipped to make it on their own, to those who didn't work towards higher education and haven't acquired skills necessary to move beyond manual-type labor.

    It's doable, it's very doable, much more so than it's been in the past. You've just got to take that step. The rewards are incredible. Freedom, peace, happiness, calm...I could go on and on.

    Vonique, please get yourself over to the Dealing With Domestic Abuse board. You'll find a board full of women who are or have been in situations just like yours. You'll find understanding, support and so much help there. Please do this for yourself and for your children. You all deserve a life filled with peace and happiness.







  • ~ cl-2nd_life

    "You can't control the length of your life,
    but you can control the width and depth."

    ~ Author unknown

    my signature exchange partner:

    Living Together








    "Ignoring the facts
    does not change the facts"
    iVillage Member
    Registered: 03-26-2003
    Wed, 10-19-2005 - 1:42am

    Mommy2one21, if you're still around, please read my response to Vonique, it's for you too.







    ~ cl-2nd_life

    "You can't control the length of your life,
    but you can control the width and depth."

    ~ Author unknown

    my signature exchange partner:

    Living Together








    "Ignoring the facts
    does not change the facts"
    iVillage Member
    Registered: 04-19-2008
    Wed, 10-19-2005 - 9:32am

    Thanks, CL-2nd life, for your help and support. Gee, I have posted so many different places in under so many names that I had forgotten I posted here before. Thanks for taking the effort to read them.

    I totally agree with everything you said, but unfortunately, fear rules me, and about oh so many things which I won't list here because I'm sure my fears are the same ones that all abused women have, the children, custody, financial, etc. I'm working with a counselor now and have gone back to school but unfortunately still can't find a job. I could find one working nights and weekends, but that would only give my hopefully stbx more ammunition to go for custody which he threatens, and he's just sly enough to get away with it. I can just hear him now saying he should get custody because I'd never be there for the kids.

    Plus, I keep going round and round listening to people who say, "Well he pays the bills and is pretty good to the kids, can't you stick it out til they are a little older?" And then I go, well they do love their dad and what if they blamed me, and what if we had to give up our house and all the pets, they'd never forgive me, and on and on and on......... So then pretty soon I have myself all convinced again that I should just stay put, especially since he doesn't hit us.

    But..............all the mind games and all the game playing and nastiness in front of the kids (to me, not them), the obvious anxiety that they are in, my obvious subservient role to him, the fact that he is so obviously in charge of everything and diminishes me at every turn. This is all so terrible and I know I've got to get the kids away from it because I'm afraid they will get into bad relationships, but I feel like everything is against me. And I do have a college degree but there are no jobs around here. By the time I get through thinking all these things I'm back to maybe I should just stay put.

    Oh God, what to do?? So confused! But I really don't want to turn this into my post because it is Mommy2one21's post and I wanted to support her. I know what it's like to look forward to counseling and hope that it will fix things and then to come crashing down. It doesn't work.

    So, hey 2nd-life, thanks so much! I love this board and keep reading it, but kind of got away from posting. I keep thinking my problems are so insurmountable, but from your note and the link to that article, I feel motivated again. There is a support group starting downtown for abused women and I'm thinking of joining that again.

    Good luck Mommy2one21, I hope things do get better for you!

    Von

    iVillage Member
    Registered: 09-21-2005
    Thu, 10-20-2005 - 5:29pm

    Mommy2one,
    we haven't heard from you lately...I hope you're ok, please let us know if you're still there and doing ok...

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