Husband keeps feeling insecure

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-22-2006
Husband keeps feeling insecure
8
Thu, 06-22-2006 - 7:35pm

Hi,

I have been married for over a year and a half now. Initially, due to circumstances, me and my husband had to stay apart, meeting once every couple of weeks. For the last few months we have come together and started living together as a couple.

My husband is very insecure and has a low esteem - always feels that he is unattractive to me and that I don't really love him, but that I take pity on him. I have cried my self hoarse trying to make him believe I love him. For that moment he will believe me but every second day he will come back with the same doubts - "Do you love me or not?"

I tried being patient and answering him coolly, but after a while it gets on my nerves and I also flare up - getting angry that I have to justify myself. This is turn brings another bout of insecurity for him. I am tired of the cycle but don't know how to break it up - how do I make him feel secure?

Please help,
Pritika

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2004
Thu, 06-22-2006 - 8:28pm

Oh boy, I feel for you so much. Living with an insecure person would be one of the hardest things to do.

Sadly, there is absolutely nothing you can do to make him feel more secure. These feelings come from within himself - and so the cure must also come from inside him.

The next step depends on him. Does he realise that he is insecure? If you stated that his insecurity was driving you crazy, would he seek counselling?

Dress Up Games, Doll Makers and Cartoon Dolls @ The Doll Palace
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-15-2005
Thu, 06-22-2006 - 9:01pm

Pritika,


There really isn't anything you can do to give your husband self esteem -- if it worked that way, he'd have some by now, right?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 06-23-2006 - 1:08am

The insecurity issue is his, not yours, there's nothing you can do to change it, he's the only one who can. He needs to see a therapist to deal with and resolve his insecurity. Do you think he'd go?


I can't imagine having to live with a person like that, your impatience and anger are completely understandable. Need to assure someone else constantly is enough to make you lose your mind, but the offense you must feel at not being believed has to be pretty difficult to deal with too. I can't imagine staying long term in a situation like that.







~ cl-2nd_life

"Experience is what you get
when you don't get what you want."

~ Author unknown








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-22-2006
Mon, 06-26-2006 - 1:26pm

Thank you all, for your replies.

I don't think he is ready for therapy - all he keeps asking for is me to tell him that I love him, and to make him feel loved. I think I do it enough - its not my nature to keep stating the obvious - my acts should tell him that, but no he wants a verbal proof/display of emotions.

Its tough, but I want to make this work. I love him and don't want to leave him ever.

Pritika

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Mon, 06-26-2006 - 2:59pm

You can't make him feel loved. You can do loving things for him, but if he chooses to not feel loved, you can't change that. HOWEVER, you can make sure the things you ARE doing are things that HE recognizes as love, not things that you recognize as love.

Seriously, read the book The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman. Maybe, just maybe, this is a situation of you doing things that he doesn't recognize as love. My H would do the dishes til the cows came home. He figured doing dishes and working at his job showed me he loved me and he didn't need to tell me. I'm a person who wants quality time and being told how important I am. I would spend time with him and tell him how much I loved him. He wanted me to do the laundry. Neither one of us thought the other one was showing us that we were loved. It wasn't until we realized we were "speaking" differently that things got better. And now I will do the laundry occassionally and he'll play boring games with me. And we both feel loved now. Though we were both showing it before. Just not in ways the other understood.

Jen

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-22-2006
Mon, 06-26-2006 - 5:56pm

Hi Jen,

You know what I was reaching a similar conclusion - now only I need to figure out how to go about it.

I always felt that I am doing so many things for him just because I love him and why can't he see that. I feel acts matter more than words but he's more of the demonstrating kinds. Its ok if I don't make him nice stuff for him so long as I tell him 10,000 times I love him. I try to keep up, but more often than not, I slip back into my basic behaviour and that's when we get in trouble. I do try but I cannot change my behaviour totally can I?

How do I strike a balance so that both of us feel good - not just him or me?

Pritika

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Mon, 06-26-2006 - 6:16pm

H and I reading the book together really helped. Now I see WHY he does what he does and I know it's because he loves me. Though him telling me didn't help. I needed to "see" it in another context. And the same went for him. And knowing what meant the most to him, I could do just small bits of that and he was feeling loved. I didn't have to "keep up." If he's severely insecure, you'll know after a short period of time that no matter what you do, you can't do enough. And then it isn't YOU, it's something with HIM.

Jen

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-22-2006
Mon, 06-26-2006 - 6:26pm

Thank you. I will try this out and post the outcome. I am praying fervently, it works :-)

Pritika