Husband makes me sick

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-25-2006
Husband makes me sick
32
Sat, 11-25-2006 - 5:27pm

I am really sick and tired of my husband. He is such a jerk sometimes I could scream. I don't even know if I feel like fixing this. The same problems over and over regarding my children. I have 2 girls ages 14 and 22 from a previous marriage.

I took my 14 year old to grandma's because she wanted to spend some time there. Daughter calls to say she thinks she may have left her money here at home. I found her money on the floor and told her I would take it to her later in the day. No biggie.

Oldest daughter who is 22 works a lot. Something my husband doesn't do. Daughter called and asked since we were going to grandma's anyway could we pick up her clothes and bring them to her. It's about a 1/2 mile drive to get her the clothes. She can't get a break because of her job, they are short handed. Husband blows up and says he will "JUMP" because that is what he supposed to do and goes and takes a shower. I told him I would take the money to my daughter, pick up older daughters clothes and he could just stay home. He blows a gasket and says "NO, I will jump like I am supposed to because your daughter is too f****** lazy to get her clothes. LAZY? who the he11 is lazy here. DH hasn't worked in about 6 months, stayed in bed from 3am this morning to 3:30 pm today. Doesn't do a thing around here but watch tv and play on the internet. We live off my income. I wish he would leave, but he doesn't have a dime to his name, nor a car. I don't want to live like this with someone who says things about MY kids. No one is going to talk ill of my children who are good kids. I am ready to leave, move to my moms and let him deal with paying all the bills on his zero income. Someone please just shoot me.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Sun, 11-26-2006 - 9:22am

Is it your house?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-31-2004
Sun, 11-26-2006 - 12:27pm

If for no other reason than to help you solidify your resolve to either stay and deal with him or move out and end your marriage, I feel that you, personally--and without him tagging along--would benefit from talking with a therapist.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-25-2006
Sun, 11-26-2006 - 12:44pm

thanks for the advice everyone. I hope I can answer some of the questions in this one post. I am so angry at DH because he doesn't seem to be motivated. He lost his mother almost 2 years ago, but he was acting this way even way before she died. I can understand him being depressed, but I also lost my dad a few years ago and lost my 17 year old son in a car accident 9 years ago. I don't need this crap. I miss my son. I miss my dad, but I have been the one that pulls myself up and goes to work each day. He has tried looking for work, but his main job search is sending resumes online. He doesn't look at the newspaper, which I shove in his face every single time it comes. If I see a job that looks suitable for him, I tell him. I told him that he is going tomorrow to see about a custodian job at a nearby school. He said he would go and he IS going. I will drive him if I have to, but he needs to learn to get up before 3pm.

I get so angry because he doesn't seem to see when the house needs cleaning. I have to start cleaning and then he will pitch in. I got so mad at him on Thanksgiving because I worked all morning on the lunch and he didn't get up to take his shower until my oldest daughter and mother were on their way. Then he sat at the table with NO shoes on. I was so angry. I kept my mouth shut, but told him to wash the dishes because I had been up since 7:00am cooking.

He does small work around the house and will cook simple meals. He buys expensive steaks that we can't afford. I tell him over and over that rib eyes are really nice, but we can't afford it. I don't trust him to do the grocery shopping because I can give him $60 and he comes home with steaks. Even my youngest has told him that we would have more money if not for his cigarette and coffee habits. He throws his cigarette butts on the ground right outside our house door. They are everywhere. I make him clean them up, but a few days later the ground is littered with them again. I can just imagine what our friends and family think when they come over. It's embarassing. I wasn't raised this way. I grew up on a farm and we kept things nice and clean. DH doesn't even try to help with the yard work anymore. The lawnmower won't work, so I have been paying a guy to mow our yard every week. I go outside and weedeat, but DH just stands there and watches. Then I get really mad and tell him to get a trashbag and clean up his filthy cigarette butts.

Sorry this is getting long again. I am just at my wits end. I should have left when his mother was alive. I have to also admit that he used to be a fun loving person. I used to love him, but he has spent way too long without a job and quits any job he does get within 2 weeks. I am just so exhausted from dealing with him that I no longer feel like fighting for this marriage. He knows that I get very angry with him, but sugarcoats everything. He constantly asks me if I would ever leave him. I hate that question. SIGH....

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-31-2004
Sun, 11-26-2006 - 1:00pm

I'm so sorry to hear of the loss of both your father and son...


you write: "

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Sun, 11-26-2006 - 2:39pm

>>>He doesn't look at the newspaper, which I shove in his face every single time it comes.<<<


>>>If I see a job that looks suitable for him, I tell him. I told him that he is going tomorrow to see about a custodian job at a nearby school. <<<


>>>I was so angry. I kept my mouth shut, but told him to wash the dishes because I had been up since 7:00am cooking. <<<


>>> He throws his cigarette butts on the ground right outside our house door. They are everywhere. I make him clean them up, but a few days later the ground is littered with them again<<<


You ARE his mother.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-25-2006
Sun, 11-26-2006 - 6:03pm

yes, I do feel like a mother to him. I have told him that I don't need another child to raise. If I get mad, I get really mad and my temper let's loose and anybody within a mile radius will hear me. That is why I try to keep my mouth shut. I got so mad at him a few days ago I almost threw a cup of soda at him. I haven't felt that way around anyone in years. I have never literally attacked someone in my entire life, but I wanted to throw the soda at him so badly and I told him that I felt like doing it too. He starts his cutesy "oh I don't think you are big enough to try to do that to me", and I said "oh yeah right, I could get you down and beat the crap out of you in seconds flat". He laughs.

Today I told youngest DD that we are going to grandma's house to look for the rest of my Christmas decorations. This was about 1pm. Husband is still in bed. I walked up to him, told him I was going to my moms and left. We were gone for about 3 hours. Best 3 hours I had in a long time. I stayed outside most of the time playing with oldest DD's beagle and the two cats. DD and I had a great time without husband. I didn't feel guilty at all. I just wish I could get my old life back. The life I had before he came into my life.

I really appreciate the answers I am getting from everyone. It is helpful to me. I need to know that I am not alone and that I can reach out and have wonderful people who want to give me honest advice and that means so much to me. :)

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 11-26-2006 - 10:08pm
Kaytayanika, I'm sorry, but I'm stuck on a basic question before I can move forward with your problem.....


From what you've said, it sounds like you've been unhappy, angry and dissatisfied with this relationship since day one. I doubt that's true, but then again, maybe it is. Rather, I suspect it's gone downhill over time and unhappiness, anger, dissatisfaction and disgust has come in over time. If that's true, it's possible that too much has gone on to be repaired; that seems to be what you're saying, but I guess if that's the case I need to hear you say you're not at all interested in repairing this, you don't have feelings for this guy anymore and you don't want to continue. The fact that some vent strongly about issues but in the end aren't wanting to end things keeps me from making assumptions of what the case is here.


I will say that I think not being willing to go to couples counseling because he'll claim abuse doesn't hold much water. Are you afraid of being seen in a negative light by the therapist? Do you think s/he would just believe your husband's charges? Don't you think the therapist would see through false allegations and be able to give your husband a perspective that's more reasonable and accurate? Therapists don't join forces with one spouse against the other, they work to resolve issues. In your case, I would expect a therapist would suggest some individual counseling was in order for your husband as he seems to have some issues that need to be resolved aside from your relationship problems.







~ cl-2nd_life

"Experience is what you get
When you don't get what you want"

~ Author unknown








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-25-2006
Sun, 11-26-2006 - 10:55pm

cl-2nd-life, thank you for your reply. I am not afraid to go to a therapist. I have been to therapists (3 of them) after my sons death. It didn't work. Since I am a registered nurse I have been taught many of the techniques that therapists use to get through to their patients. Their techniques don't work on me, and they get frustrated. I usually end up crying and getting no where. My pastor was the best "therapist" that I have ever been to. He helped me through my grief over my sons death, but this is a whole new ballgame. It's to the point that I can't see therapy working, and DH thinks everything is MY fault and MY kids' fault.

I am so angry right now. DH took $20. out of my purse, went to the store and bought a bottle of coke for himself. When DD wanted some soda, he got mad and threw down the trash that he was getting ready to take outside and threw a fit. He blamed me for DD acting the way she does. He says that I won't discipline my kids. He expects my girls to treat him like an adult when he acts like more of a child than they ever did. I have never seen a 44 year old man throw such a temper tantrum and run off to the bedroom to get attention. He complains that my kids don't respect him. Well, it's kind of hard to respect someone who doesn't work, who doesn't contribute to the kids and takes the money to buy cigarettes and coffee. I have never been so broke in my life as I have been since I married him. My life was so easy before I met him.

One thing I haven't shared is the fact that he has told me he will kill himself if I leave him. I believe he would do just that. He is very emotionally attached to me and very needy emotionally. I have no more feelings toward him. I think it is very obvious that I don't care anymore. He has brought it up several times in the last week. I just can't have feelings for someone who has me at bay by using a threat of suicide. I sit mindlessly in the evenings watching television. He will sit there and look at me and ask me why I don't love him anymore. It's ridiculous. Why can't he look at himself and see that he is offering me NOTHING. Christmas is coming and he hasn't a cent to his name. I see all the advertisements on television and I get so depressed. I don't remember over the last 4 years a thing he has bought me for Christmas that he paid for. When his mother was alive she would go out with him and buy me something nice. I hated that. She was a sweet, wonderful woman, but he could have least found a part-time job and bought me something simple. I am not a material girl. I like simple things, like cheap earrings. I don't expect anything expensive. Even a cheap bottle of perfume would do, but he has all year to save some money but never does. I have really had it with him. I dream daily of my life ending. I will never do anything to hurt myself because I have my girls and I love them, but I wish God would just take me away from this situation.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-25-2006
Sun, 11-26-2006 - 11:21pm

hello quenek and thanks for your response. I have a very hard time responding because my husband keeps walking in here looking over my shoulder at every seconds notice. I guess that's why he thinks I have a thing going on with my old neighbor who is in the air force, who is 6 years younger than me, like a younger brother, married with 2 daughters, lives 600 miles away,etc....

You are right when you state that he has driven away one daughter and getting ready to drive away another. I told him just 5 minutes ago that I am sick of the way he acts. He blames MY girls for everything. He says they treat me badly. I told him straight up that I was alone with my youngest, age 14 today at her grandma's in the back yard in the swing playing with the animals and we didn't have not one fight. Come back here and his stupid mouth is running off at my daughter and she gets tired of it. They were fighting over a bottle of soda. He says it wasn't the soda that made him mad, it was what she said to him. She told him that he doesn't pay for the soda, mom does. He got mad at her for saying that. I told him that it's the truth. She gets child support from her dad and I have to hide it from him. He won't steal it, just asks for money all the time. I can't justify going to the store 2 or 3 times a day. He does. I buy our groceries to last for several days and he is at the store the next day. Always buying cigarettes and coffee and expensive steaks.

Let me ask everyone just one question and please tell me how rude this is:

When he doesn't have any coffee and we are out of money he goes to the hospital nearby and gets their coffee. Do you know how angry that makes me? I feel like people will see him and it will reflect poorly on me if they know he is my husband. When he runs out of cigarettes he goes to a friend of his who works at the gas station and bums a couple cigarettes. He used to go to my cousins and bum a pack until I told him NO MORE! It is embarassing to me. I am ashamed of him. He see's nothing wrong with going into a hospital and getting their coffee for free. That coffee is meant for the visitors, not him. He just doesn't get it. My youngest asks me why he can't clean up the car. It is full of coffee cups and empty cigarette packs. She or I end up cleaning it up. This is an ongoing thing. It's making me crazy. I want out.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Sun, 11-26-2006 - 11:37pm

>>>I wish God would just take me away from this situation.<<<


You can take yourself away from the situation.

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