Husband makes me sick

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-25-2006
Husband makes me sick
32
Sat, 11-25-2006 - 5:27pm

I am really sick and tired of my husband. He is such a jerk sometimes I could scream. I don't even know if I feel like fixing this. The same problems over and over regarding my children. I have 2 girls ages 14 and 22 from a previous marriage.

I took my 14 year old to grandma's because she wanted to spend some time there. Daughter calls to say she thinks she may have left her money here at home. I found her money on the floor and told her I would take it to her later in the day. No biggie.

Oldest daughter who is 22 works a lot. Something my husband doesn't do. Daughter called and asked since we were going to grandma's anyway could we pick up her clothes and bring them to her. It's about a 1/2 mile drive to get her the clothes. She can't get a break because of her job, they are short handed. Husband blows up and says he will "JUMP" because that is what he supposed to do and goes and takes a shower. I told him I would take the money to my daughter, pick up older daughters clothes and he could just stay home. He blows a gasket and says "NO, I will jump like I am supposed to because your daughter is too f****** lazy to get her clothes. LAZY? who the he11 is lazy here. DH hasn't worked in about 6 months, stayed in bed from 3am this morning to 3:30 pm today. Doesn't do a thing around here but watch tv and play on the internet. We live off my income. I wish he would leave, but he doesn't have a dime to his name, nor a car. I don't want to live like this with someone who says things about MY kids. No one is going to talk ill of my children who are good kids. I am ready to leave, move to my moms and let him deal with paying all the bills on his zero income. Someone please just shoot me.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 11-27-2006 - 2:04am
Kaytaynika, I think you misunderstood me. I wasn't talking about psychotherapy for you, I was talking about couples counseling, in which you deal with the problems in your relationship with a trained third party who is there to help resolve the issues.


You still didn't answer my questions about your relationship :). You don't have to answer them all, but I'd appreciate knowing that this is not something you want to stay in, rather than a rant that will pass....


As a nurse, I imagine you've had some suicide training and I imagine you know that the threat of suicide is no reason to stay in a relationship and every reason to leave. I'm sure you also know that you aren't responsible for anyone's decision to kill themselves; you can't make them kill themselves and you can't stop them if that's what they choose to do. The choice and the responsibility are with them. I'm sure you know that you can leave, call 911 and report that he's threatened to kill himself and have the police/EMT intervene. Your husband sounds like he's got some significant mental health issues, the observation stay in a mental health ward that the suicide threat would give him would be a good thing.


Kaytaynika, you sound very close to being over the edge to me. Could you pack up your daughter and spend the night (or a day or two) with your mother -- or in a motel? I think you need some distance and some time to diffuse from this situation. Your mood is escalating and I don't think staying with your husband right now will help you bring it down.







~ cl-2nd_life

"Experience is what you get
When you don't get what you want"

~ Author unknown








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-14-2006
Mon, 11-27-2006 - 9:19am

Kaytaynika;


Your husband is a slob, he is lazy, he is addicted to caffeine and cigarettes, he is a user, he is immature, he is not nice, he has anger issues, he is selfish and impulsive, he is a lousy step father, he is emotionally abusive, and he is completely unable to GIVE to another human being.


OK....now we have established these as cold hard FACTS.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-31-2004
Mon, 11-27-2006 - 9:53am

I'm going to be blunt, not out of disrespect, but because while I understand you need a place to vent, I'm concerned that it doesn't appear that you are taking to heart the very good advice being given to you by many people on this board.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-25-2006
Mon, 11-27-2006 - 1:33pm

quenek, you and everyone here have given me the very exact advice that I already know, I think I just needed to hear it from someone else. I told husband last night that I believe we either need to go see someone about our marriage or go our seperate ways. His answer? He starts asking me what would happen is someone tried to commit suicide, would I feel bad. I told him that I would have that person admitted to the psychiatric ward of our local state hospital. He proceeded to tell me that he wasn't talking about himself, but I know he is and I really just don't have the energy anymore to deal with this.

I believe that my only choice is to get away from him before he brings me down. It is my only choice.

Thanks to everyone who has offered your help. I appreciate it, I have taken it to heart and I will do what is necessary to make sure my dd and I get out of this situation without further scars.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 11-27-2006 - 8:51pm
You don't have to have "that person" admitted to the local state hospital, all you need do is call 911, let the local general hospital evaluate him and let them decide what is best. Having him actually committed may be quite a process, more than you need to - or should - be involved in.


Best of luck in removing yourself and your daughter from this situation, Kaytaynika. If you want out and are planning to get out, I say the sooner the better, this is not going to get better with time, the sooner you start, the sooner it will be behind you.







~ cl-2nd_life

"Experience is what you get
When you don't get what you want"

~ Author unknown








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-17-2003
Tue, 11-28-2006 - 11:09am
Bottom line, you want out, and who can blame you. Go, don't stop, do not collect $200. Just pack up and leave his sorry behind. I'll tell you what I told a dear friend who was recently in a similar situation. Leave for awhile, get some distance and some perspective. See if that changes anything for YOU. He isn't going to change because he sees no reason for it. How many decent men are out there? And how much time do you want to waste on one who won't work and is tearing your family to shreds?
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-17-2003
Tue, 11-28-2006 - 11:12am
That sounds like a control tactic. He's trying to make you feel sorry for him and stick around.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-18-2001
Tue, 11-28-2006 - 11:40pm

This whole suicide thing really annoys the hell out of me.

There are people out there that are genuinely depressed and need help because they think suicide is a viable option. Then your husband comes along and he starts talking about it because you just want him to be a fairly normal person.

I think that he is full of BS and is using the suicide threat as a control tactic. It's the ultimate bluff. He's basically saying that you can't do ANYTHING because he will hit you with the ultimate payback that tops everything and anything you could possibly do.

Frankly I don't think that he would commit suicide if you left. You'd be calling his bluff. But even if he did, I wouldn't feel guilty about it. I'd call his family, the cops, whoever and let them deal with it. You can't allow yourself to be held to ransom like that. If you let someone do that then there will NEVER EVER be anyway out of this for you. He's got you trapped for life by threatening to take his life. And that is just crazy. You can't do that to another person. It's like dealing with terrorists - you can't let them dictate what you do because they threaten to kill people. If you making your decisions based on a threat that someone *might* kill themselves then they have won and they will win every single time.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-25-2006
Wed, 11-29-2006 - 12:55pm

I believe what you say is correct, that if I left him he wouldn't commit suicide, yet he uses it over my head all the time. The past few days have been rather quiet because I have been trying to get out of the house as much as possible. He did go apply for a job Monday, and he is scheduled for an interview this Friday. What makes me so aggravated is the fact that he just doesn't seem to understand kids. He helped raise his nephew after his sister died. He helped his mother raise him from the age of 11 until he was 17 years old, at that time the boy found his real father and got out of Dodge, so to speak.

DH is a real disciplinarian, but the problem is: He came into MY home with MY kids. I pay the bills and I feel like I am in charge because he can't be trusted with finances. If he does work for a few weeks and pays ONE bill, he feels like he can control that item that he paid for. For instance: if he pays for the phone bill one month, he thinks he can tell MY daughter how long she can be on the internet and the phone. It's mind boggling. I have told him that just because he paid the bill one time does not mean he OWNS that utility and can command it like he owns it. He started his crap again about how my best friend is in love with me and blah blah blah. I looked at him and just told him to stop acting like a little kid. Dumb a$$. Sorry, this is turning into a rant again. I have to get my stuff together and get away from this crazy place. What makes me so mad is this is MY house. He should get on the bus and go live with his half brother or go be with his friends. They said he could stay with them anytime, well it's a good time right now!

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 11-29-2006 - 1:06pm

So if it's your house, why don't you tell him that he needs to move out? Give him a reasonable deadline to find another place and if he's not gone by then, change the locks. You could go stay with your mother in the meantime, but I don't understand why you'd move out if it's your house, especially if you would risk losing it if he doesn't have income to pay the bills.

Sheri