HUSBAND MISTOOK SUPPORT FOR FORGIVENESS

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-12-2011
HUSBAND MISTOOK SUPPORT FOR FORGIVENESS
17
Sat, 08-04-2012 - 11:16pm

MY HUSBAND HAS MISTAKEN MY PUTTING OUR DISAGREEMENT ON HOLD BECAUSE OF THE DEATH OF HIS SISTER AS FORGIVENESS. WHEREAS I WAS BEING SUPPORTIVE OF HIM DURING HIS TIME OF MORNING I CAN NOT RESUME AN INTIMATE RELATIONSHIP. BECAUSE HE HAS NEITHER APOLOGIZED OR ACKNOWLEDGED WHAT HE DID WAS DISRESPECT OR WRONG AND I SIMPLY CAN’T FORGET IT AND ACT AS THOUGH IT NEVER HAPPENED.

I HAD BEEN WAITING IN LINE AT THE GROCERY STORE WHILE MY HUSBAND WAS LOOKING FOR SOME OKRA. ANYWAY THE CLERK HAD JUST OPENED ANOTHER LINE UP AND I WALKED OVER AND WAS WAITING FOR HIM TO GET HIS REGISTER UP WHEN THIS LADY IN A PAIR OF SHORT SHORTS WALKS UP BEHIND ME AND GETS IN LINE. AT THE SAME TIME MY  HUSBAND WALKS UP AND PROCEEDS TO TELL HER SHE CAN GET AHEAD OF US IN THE LINE BECAUSE SHE ONLY HAD THREE ITEMS. I MYSELF ONLY HAD FOUR AND HAD BEEN WAITING IN LINE ALREADY WHEN SHE JUST WALKED UP. I LOOK AT MY HUSBAND AS IF HE HAD LOST HIS MIND AND TOLD HIM I ONLY HAD A FEW ITEMS MYSELF AND I WAS READY TO CHECK OUT. THE LADY HERSELF TELLS HIM THAT’S OK BECAUSE WE ONLY HAD A FEW ITEMS AS WELL.

WHEN WE GET IN THE CAR I ASK HIM WHAT THE HELL WAS HE THINKING AND TOLD HIM HE HAD NO RIGHT TO TELL THAT WOMAN SHE COULD GET IN FRONT OF ME WITHOUT SO MUCH AS ASKING ME IF IT WAS OK, SINCE I WAS THE ONE WHO HAD BEEN STANDING IN LINE. HE TELLS ME HE WAS JUST BEING CONSIDERATE BECAUSE THE WOMAN WAS HOLDING THE ITEMS IN HER HAND AND HAD NO CART. I TOLD HIM SHE CHOSE NOT TO HAVE A CART AND  HE WAS SO BUSY THINKING ABOUT MISS SHORT SHORTS, THAT HE DID NOT EVEN CONSIDER THE FACT THAT HE NO RIGHT TO TELL HER SHE COULD GET AHEAD OF ME IN THE LINE AND JUST DISREGARD ME. HE THEN PROCEEDS TO YELL AT ME SAYING I WAS BEING A BITCH AND MAKING TOO MUCH OUT OF IT. THEN WHEN WE GET HOME HE TURNS ON THE TV AND DIVORCE COURT IS ON AND THERE IS THIS WOMAN ON THE SHOW YELLING AT HER HUSBAND AND  MY HUSBAND TELLS OUR 16 YEAR OLD SON, “ YEAH THAT’S YOUR MOM JUST A LOUD BITCH!”

I WALK INTO THE ROOM AND TELL HIM, “NO MATTER WHAT YOU FEEL OR THINK ABOUT ME, YOU DON’T PUT ME DOWN IN FRONT OF OUR CHILD BECAUSE I AM STILL HIS MOTHER AND THAT’S NOT RIGHT WHAT YOU ARE DOING.”

THE NEXT DAY I TRY TO TALK TO HIM AGAIN AND TELL HIM THAT YOU SIMPLY DON’T PUT KIDS IN THE MIDDLE OF AN ADULT DISAGREEMENT AND THAT MY PARENTS HAD DONE THAT TO ME AND I DIDN’T LIKE IT AND THAT IS NEVER A GOOD THING TO DO. HE THEN PROCEEDS TO JUST START REPEATING OVER AND OVER BITCH, BITCH, BITCH. THEN SAYS TO ME YOUR EX WAS RIGHT ABOUT YOU, YOU ARE A REAL BITCH. SO I JUST WALK OUT THE KITCHEN AND HAD NOT SPOKEN TO HIM IN THREE DAYS, WHEN I GET A CALL AT 2 AM IN THE MORNING FROM MY HUSBAND’S OLDER SISTER TELLING ME TO TELL HIM THAT HE NEEDED TO GET TO THE HOSPITAL RIGHT AWAY BECAUSE THEIR YOUNGEST SISTER WAS IN GRAVE CONDITION. I LATER LEARNED SHE HAD BEEN FOUND DEAD IN THE FRONT YARD AND HAD HAD A MASSIVE HEAR ATTACK.

I PUT MY ANGER AT MY HUSBAND ON THE BACK BURNER UNDER THE CIRCUMSTANCES, BUT I DID NOT FORGET FOR ONE MOMENT WHAT HE HAD DONE AND WAS AND STILL AM THINKING OF ENDING MY MARRIAGE.

THEN LAST NIGHT HE TRIED TO HAVE SEX WITH ME AND I TOLD HIM WHEREAS I AM BEING SUPPORTIVE OF YOU BECAUSE OF YOUR LOST I HAVE NOT FORGOTTEN FOR A MOMENT YOUR DISRESPECT OF ME AND THE FACT YOU HAVE NOT ACKNOWLEDGED IN ANY WAY THAT YOUR BEHAVIOR WAS WRONG. I COULD NOT BELIEVE HE WAS TRYING TO HAVE SEX WHEN HIS SISTER HAD JUST DIED THE DAY BEFORE AND I WAS DISGUSTED.

THEN HE BLOWS UP AGAIN SAYING HE CAN’T BELIEVE I AM STILL HOLDING ON TO THAT, TELLS ME TO HELL WITH ME AND MY SUPPORT AND STORMS OUT OF THE HOUSE.  THAT WAS AT 11:30 PM ALMOST 24 HOURS AGO AND HE HAS NOT CALLED OR BEEN HOME.

I AM RELIEVED HE IS NOT AROUND AND DON’T CARE THAT HE HAS NOT BEEN HOME BUT OUR SON IS WORRIED AND I AM AT A LOST AT HOW TO DEAL WITH THIS CRISIS.  PLEASE HELP  AND SORRY FOR THE LONG POST.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-22-2007
Sun, 08-05-2012 - 3:43am

Keepingitreal, I understand your anger at your husband saying awful things about you infront of your son.   It is completely disrespectful - not to mention awful for your son.

Having said that, your anger at your husband for the supermarket incident was way out of porportion to the what actually happened.   I can't see why this was anything more than a minor inconvenience to you.   I certainly don't see his letting her through as being disrespectful or wrong.  I'm guessing that he's completely mystified over your reaction (as am I)

I'm wondering if there is a bigger picture here and if the supermarket incident was the proverbial straw on the camel's back.   It's the only reason I can think of to explain you being so angry at him letting the woman past.    Perhaps there's history here which would explain your reaction?

Unless there is underlying problems which you haven't mentioned, my advice is to accept that you both behaved badly.  You apologise for overreacting at the supermarket and he apologise for saying things in front of your son.  And let it go.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-27-2004
Sun, 08-05-2012 - 11:45am

Hi, Keepingitreal1!  Nice to see you again.  Here (http://forums.ivillage.com/t5/Working-On-Your-Relationship/Deeply-Offended-By-Husband-s-Suggestion-That-I-Allow-Another/m-p/118868653/highlight/true#M106758) is an earlier thread showing that you and your husband have been disconnected sexually--and maybe emotionally?--for some time.  It may help us to better understand where you're coming from.

One thing I will point out: when your husband wanted to have sex with you the day after his sister died, that was his way of asking for your support.  Sex is supportive for men (and for many women, too).

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-12-2011
Sun, 08-05-2012 - 12:36pm

THERE IS A LONG HISTORY OF DISRESPECT AND NAME CALLING. MY HUSBAND WAS RAISED BY A MEAN CRUEL MOTHER AND THEY FIGHT TO INFLICT THE MOST HARM. I HAVE TRIED TO BE UNDERSTANDING OF THAT FACT AND HE HAD GOTTEN BETTER AND WE HAD BEEN ABLE TO DISAGREE WITHOUT HIM RESORTING TO NAME CALLING AND SAYING THINGS IN FRONT OF OUR SON. BUT WITHIN THE LAST 2 YEARS HE HAS RESORTED BACK TO HIS OLD WAYS OF TRYING TO INFLICT AS MUCH PAIN AS HE POSSIBLY CAN.

I JUST TURNED 55 AND I AM UNWILLING TO SPEND THE REST OF MY LIFE WITH SOMEONE WHO THINKS IT’S OK  TO CALL ME A BITCH IN FRONT OF MY CHILD or a bitch period, WHO DOES NOT RESPECT ME, WHO I CAN’T HAVE AN ADULT CONVERSATION WITH WITHOUT HIM RESORTING TO NAME CALLING AND TRYING TO PUT ME DOWN BECAUSE HE THINKS SO LITTLE OF HIMSELF.

A few WEEKs AGO HE DID AN APARTMENT CLEAN OUT OF A HOARDER WHO HAD BEEN DEAD IN THE APARTMENT FOR OVER A MONTH. THE BODY HAD EXPLODED IN THE EXTREEM HEAT AND THE CLEAN UP WAS A HAZARDOUS HEALTH SITUATION BECAUSE OF THE DISEASE, GERMS AND BACTERIA THAT THE DECAYED HUMAN BODY HAS. WHEN I SENT MY SON to take THE TRASH OUT I NOTICED THAT 3 OF THE 4 TRASH CANS WE HAD WERE MISSING. WHEN I ASKED MY HUSBAND WHERE THEy WERE, HE SAID HE WAS USING THEM ON THAT JOB SITE. I ASKED HIM NOT TO BRING THEM BACK TO OUR HOME AS HE HAD PUT HAZARDOUS WASTE IN THEM and to replace them. I TOLD HIM BY USING OUR PERSONAL TRASH CANS  HE WAS POSSIBLY EXPOSING OUR FAMILY TO DISEASE AND WHEREBY THEY USED GLOVES AND MASK WHEN HANDELING THE MATERIAL OUR SON DOES NOT WHEN WE TAKES THE CANS TO THE CURB  FOR  trash PICK UP. He then tells me to shut up and he wishes I would get a disease and die.

Also two weeks ago he and our son were jogging at the track, our son twisted his ankle and can’t go on. He helps our son to the car and then proceeds to finish his jog for another 30 minutes in addition to the 15 minute ride back home. I told my husband in injuries like that it is important that you ice it and elevate the leg as soon as possible. He tells me our son could handle it and that I was just trying to make a sissy out of our son and to butt out. But I’m the one who had to sit in the emergency room for hours on end and he was no where to be seen and the list of his selfish and disrespectful behavior goes on and I am just tired. When I suggest marriage counseling he laugh’s at me and say’s I am the one who needs help and that he is not going.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Sun, 08-05-2012 - 12:49pm

I agree that the supermarket incident was a minor thing but you seem to have a big problem here of name calling, general disrespect & not caring about you.  So if this has been going on for 2 yrs and he won't go to marriage counseling & you don't like his behavior, why are you still with him?

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-12-2011
Sun, 08-05-2012 - 3:06pm

I'm still with him because we have a son together and I don't want to break up my son's family and I have been trying to hang in for two more years because then my son will have graduated from high school and will be going off to college. Generally my husband and I get alone ok and he is my best friend but when it is bad it is real bad and the names calling and disrespect does hurts.I know his background and see the family he came from and how crazy and dysfunctional they are and I see he has tried to really do better. I used to be able to talk to him and he would listen and make changes. But lately he just shuts down and lashes out at me.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-12-2011
Sun, 08-05-2012 - 3:29pm

Had my husband apologized for his behavior, ie calling me a bitch in front of our son and repeatedly calling me a bitch when I had tried to calmly talk to him about the inappropriateness of his behavior towards me. Or made any effort to see my point of view and respect my feelings I would have been more receptive to him. The night before when he held me all night I said nothing I allowed him to hold me because I knew he had suffered a terrible lost, even though I was still upset with him for his behavior.

But I can not resume intimate relations with him feeling the way I feel inside towards him. I felt I was being supportive by talking with him sitting with him and lying with him, but I just can't go futher than that. His sister's death does not change how he mistreated and disrespected me  as unfortunate as that is it does not change how I feel inside. My feelings matter and until he gets that I don't see much hope for us at all.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-22-2007
Sun, 08-05-2012 - 5:45pm

Real, I do understand your need for an apology from him.  But have you apologised for overreacting at the supermarket?    Perhaps a good way to open communication is to admit your own fault.

To be honest, I am seeing as much snarky behaviour coming from you as he's giving back.   Yes, while I.C.E. treatment would have been ideally given to your son straight away, waiting an extra half hour is hardly the end of the world - and not worth making a fuss over.   The garbage bins - well most likely he wasn't going to put contaminated stuff in them.  I doubt she exploded in every room in the house.   I would only have reacted to that issue had he brought the bins home all nasty.

You know, each time you're upset about him not seeing your point of view and his lack of respect, I bet he's thinking exactly the same about you.    To me, it's clear that neither of you are going out of your way to keep an accepting, tolerant and calm environment.    I really think that you could do with learning to not sweat the small stuff.  And return, he'll probably be a lot less reactive.   

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Sun, 08-05-2012 - 10:35pm

Well how do you think your son is going to turn out when he sees that the way to treat women is to yell & call them names?  And do you think it's going to make a huge difference if you break up the family 2 yrs from now compared to now?  It's not like your son is a little kid.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2008
Mon, 08-06-2012 - 7:42am

So keeping does this mean you are just venting on here or what is it your are looking for here ??

The only solving I see if if you and your husband break up and move on from this toxic situation.. Your son is suffering whether you see it or not and he will most likely be like his dad was while growing up..Its so sad but the abuse pattern or cycle continues.

 

Good Luck

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-12-2011
Mon, 08-06-2012 - 3:28pm

My son needs his father. They play basketball, football and softball together. His father helps coach him with his basketball and softball. They jog together, his dad takes him fishing and they spend a great deal of time together. All of our sons friends in the community have moved away and because he goes to a private school in another county most of his class mates live quite a distance away. My son and father are our more than  just father and son they are best friends.

This behavior of his father calling me names in front of him has never happened before. Our arguments in the past have always been between us and not in front of our child. I left my first husband because he used to disrespect me and argue in front of my oldest son who is now 29 and living on his own. He has no memory of his father and I ever living together because I left his father when he was 3 years old. My husband is well aware of my feelings on arguing in front of children and that I won't stand for it.

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