Husband not attracted to me anymore

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2006
Husband not attracted to me anymore
16
Mon, 01-01-2007 - 1:49pm

Not sure if this is the right place to post - have been posting on betrayed spouses - but here goes -

My husband of 13 years had an affair that i found out about in june. he ended it when I found out. For the past year or so our sex life had disintegrated - he says he now has a hard time being attracted to me. He loves me as a person, as a mother, we care about and support each other a lot, but since this whole attraction thing I wonder if he will ever be attracted to me again.

I know there are relationships out there where the love v. being 'in love' plays a role - i just wonder if this is a slump -

Anyone out there whose spouse is not feeling chemistry anymore for them? How are you dealing with it? Are you praying for it to come back or do you think it's better just to end it? Does something like this ever come back, or can a relationship just slip into being friends only? Is that when it is time to move on?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2006
Wed, 01-03-2007 - 9:55am

You're absolutely right about the values. It's a really difficult concept for me to wrap my brain around. We will have 2 extremely steep mountains to climb if this is going to work.

Nevertheless, since we are talking about values, let's talk about mine. One of them is loyalty, the very thing that he apparently didn't have. I believe strongly in my vows, actually after this whole affair, feel more so - and therefore feel that I committed to this relationship and I still do have a deep love. In doing some really deep soul searching, I have tried to figure out the meaning of love. I had even at one point told him that he should leave our relationship, the whole if you love someone set them free thing. But he hasn't left. He is still hanging on in certain ways.

So my loyalty and love and my values are sometimes what are keeping me in this. Ironic, isn't it?

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-13-2006
Wed, 01-03-2007 - 3:57pm

alwaysanoceanlover,

Sorry it took me so long to respond. I wasn't trying to push you towards divorce with my post nor was I trying to imply that he doesn't care about you. You two have been married along time and I'm sure that he does care. Being with him is your choice and it's a choice that everyone else needs to respect. I guess where I got troubled by his actions was the going back and forth. I don't believe that it is right to put another person through the emotional pain and stress of cheating on them and then keep it going by changing your mind about whether or not they then want to continue to be with you.

I guess maybe I was trying to give you the strenght to stand up for yourself and your emotional health and tell him "No more, you make a choice and stick with it." Waiting around for him to have an epithamy about what he wants out of life could be very damaging to your self esteem. Not to mention gives him all the cards to do as he pleases in order to "find himself". He gets all the benefits of being married, but can still at any moment find someone else he thinks is better and have this "excuse" because to you he's still going back and forth. I think that's what I meant about the cop-out.

What I don't understand is why he's using the "I'm not attracted to you" excuse. I mean, that in itself should be damaging to you. I can see him saying that there was something missing in the marriage and that's why he strayed, but to attack your physical being is a whole other way to go and very much more degrading for a partner to hear. Yes, it's good that he spoke the truth if that is what is the truth. But I wonder if he was harsh for a reason or just harsh to be harsh. Was there specifics about what he didn't find attractive anymore?? If you worked on those would did he say he would feel differently?? The answers to those questions would be a good indication of his reasons for stating that specific excuse.

Just some things to think about.

Best of luck,
defleppardgal

Defleppardgal

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2004
Wed, 01-03-2007 - 4:54pm

>>What I don't understand is why he's using the "I'm not attracted to you" excuse. I mean, that in itself should be damaging to you. I can see him saying that there was something missing in the marriage and that's why he strayed, but to attack your physical being is a whole other way to go and very much more degrading for a partner to hear. Yes, it's good that he spoke the truth if that is what is the truth. But I wonder if he was harsh for a reason or just harsh to be harsh. Was there specifics about what he didn't find attractive anymore?? If you worked on those would did he say he would feel differently?? <<

I'd like to give a little insight into the "I'm not attracted to you" problem, because this is how I felt with my ex husband when my desire for sex with him was zero. And, yes, I did cheat on him. I would like to have left the marriage earlier, but I knew that he would fall to pieces and so I stayed around. (For the record, I left 14 years ago, and he DID fall to pieces and is yet to have another girlfriend....so my concern about him not coping with me leaving was not just my ego talking.)

I really wish I had known that there was something missing in the marriage - and this was causing the lack of attraction. If I had known this, I could have articulated it and perhaps had a chance of doing things differently.

I spoke to a number of different individual counsellors and doctors and none of them suggested that my lack of sex drive for my husband had a cause outside the bedroom. We went through all the stuff about my childhood rada rada rada, but at no point did anyone suggest that the reason I was depressed, zero libido and chronically ill was because I was unhappy in my marriage. You know, even I didn't realise how unhappy I was....which sounds really stupid when looking back, but this is the way it was.

Anyway, because I was unaware of the cause of being not attracted to him, I could give him no reason at all. Admittedly, I didn't ever tell him bluntly that I was not attracted to him until after I left, but it was quite some time before I was able to process the link. Mind you, this was in the early 1990's - way before online advice groups! Anyway, when he asked "why?", because I was unable to say "I'm not attracted to you"...I could only say "I don't know".

I suppose that what I'm suggesting is that he may not be aware of the link between not being fulfilled in a marriage and the lack of attraction. And if he's not aware of the link or lack of fulfillment, he cannot articulate it.

Just to make it clear, I'm NOT condoning his behaviour. I'm just thinking that he may not be in a position to articulate the problem in other ways.

Dress Up Games, Doll Makers and Cartoon Dolls @ The Doll Palace
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2006
Wed, 01-03-2007 - 7:40pm

Hi - you're right about all of it.

No I didn't think you were being pushy at all or the him caring about me. I guess that came out wrong.

The whole thing is a mess. If I only had the strength, I would probably tell him that he has hurt me too much, with everything, and that although I really wish things were different, that I still love him, it's over. I know that he is not ready to come home yet, and end the separation, so telling him to make a choice would only force him to probably end it because that would really be the only option.

This fence sitting he's doing is literally crippling me. I can't concentrate on much else, and just continue to wait for a little crumb from him. But I look at my son, who will be devastated, and to divorce is so against the grain for me.

Everyone always says, you have to think of yourself, and I agree. It's just that in thinking of myself, I wanted the marriage to work. Making it work would be thinking of myself because that would make me happy.

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 01-03-2007 - 9:23pm

I understand what you're saying but doesn't loyalty have to be earned and deserved? I guess I just don't see someone who has broken his vows as deserving of your loyalty. It would be one thing if he were committed to rebuilding and doing everything in his power to change the values that allowed him to cheat on you--but he's not. At some point, loyalty to someone who doesn't deserve your loyalty no longer makes sense, IMO.

Anyway, this is a very, very hard decision. I wish you the best in reaching one that works for you and gives you peace.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 01-03-2007 - 10:38pm
Very often "not being attracted to someone" or "not liking them" do not come with reasons you can articulate, or even put your finger on.


Really, there are more people you don't connect with than those you do. It's not that the people you don't connect with are awful, wrong, rude, disturbing or anything else, they just aren't a good fit for you.








~ cl-2nd_life

"Experience is what you get
When you don't get what you want"

~ Author unknown








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"

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