husband prefers career to marriage
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| Mon, 04-10-2006 - 12:32pm |
I've been married for nearly 2 years to a man that I've known for nearly 10 years. He's pursuing a Ph.D. in a subject he feels passionately about, and he hopes to become a professor once he completes his dissertation in the next year or two. I'm proud of his commitment and I know that he will have a very successful career.
However, due to short-term research opportunities and temporary teaching positions in different cities and abroad, my husband's work has required us to live apart for months at a time for much of the last several years. (We got married in the middle of it all.)
It's been increasingly difficult for me to be okay with our time apart. While I understand and appreciate the pressures of beginning an academic career in a competitive market, I'm beginning to worry that there's no end to the personal accommodations my husband will make in order to take advantange of academic opportunities. He's currently considering taking a semester-long teaching appointment in a city six hours away. But he taught at a school four hours away last semester, and he lived abroad for four months prior to that. It's as if he spends a few months at home, checks "relationship time" off his list, and then feels free to pursue the next thing. I have a great job, and we live in a great city. It's not realistic for me to follow him for these short-term appointments.
He says that this is what he needs to do to be competitive in the job market, but I don't want to live life dreading when he will go away next. I believe that our relationship is what is always being compromised here. He never says no to a career opportunity for the sake of our relationship. Any objections I raise are interpreted as me being selfish and not supporting his career goals. I feel like I have no voice here. I'd like to feel like our marriage is a priority for him. I'm truly at my wit's end. Any advice would be so much appreciated. Thanks.

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I'm glad our conversation has helped you.
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
My suggestion would be to sit down with your H and really TALK to him about this when you aren't feeling emotional or insecure. Tell him that you see the end coming and your willing to support him to it (only if you are) and that this is where you see the end. See if he agrees that reasonable. Then ask him what will happen if the end comes and goes and it really wasn't the end? Then ask about what he would do if an assignment was offered that you worry about. Ie, sabbatical or abroad, etc. From your point I would offer to seriously think about and discuss and weigh at the time if it works, deciding on a case by case basis (ie, he could do an abroad thing but that doesn't mean that you would agree to it over and over, etc.) and that he won't do it, unless the BOTH of you agree it's right for your family. Then if he ever violates that, you would seriously know where you stand.
I see this as being workable as long as level heads are maintained. :) And after reading your last post especially, I think you can really work through this with him. Good luck!
Jen
~ cl-2nd_life"Experience is what you get
when you don't get what you want."
~ Author unknown
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
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