Husband putting off second child :(

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-22-2007
Husband putting off second child :(
16
Thu, 03-22-2007 - 6:18pm
I dont think I have enough time or space to describe how badly I want another child. My husband and I have been married for 10 yrs and have a 9 yr old daughter. I am 30, and he is 40. I have been begging and hinting for years and finally last mothers day he agreed, but said only after our vehicles were paid for( in 2 Years). I believe its all about the money to him, which I believe in alot ways is sad. Some people are finacially stable enough to plan their children around money, I on the other hand am fueled by sheer emotion.I dont know how much longer I can wait. Is it fair that I carry the child, I birth it, and ultimatly raise it, but he has the power to decide? Do we not want the same things out of life? Someone, just talk to me. Im so tired of crying and feeling resentment for him for taking this from me. I believe he is putting me off. Now he says after vehicles are paid for, but theres still medical bills and credit cards, blah, blah, blah.Plus, I am 30. While some woman are okay with having children in their 30's, i always thought i'd already be done by now. Anyone else going through or went through this? I could use someone to talk to.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-23-2007
Fri, 03-23-2007 - 4:53pm

I'm going through something similar, except in my case my husband isn't putting off a second child - he's flat out told me he does not want to have another one. Ever.
He loves our son madly and he splits parenting duties with me 50-50 (we both work outside the home).
He spends tons of time with our 2 1/2-year-old, watches him when I go on girls' nights out occasionally, shares getting up with him in the middle of the night when he has a nightmare, helps feed him, bathe him and get him ready in the mornings and in general is a fantastic, involved, caring and loving husband and father.
But he's adamant that he does not feel financially or emotionally prepared to have more than one child. He says our son is perfect and he doesn't need another child in order to feel fulfilled as a father.
I'm 36 years old, so my time to have another child is very short, and at this point, it really doesn't look like it's going to happen.
What are my choices? There's no compromise here - we either have another baby or we don't. Sometimes I feel resentful because I think why should we have to do it *his* way? But then again, why should we have to do it *my* way? That's why this is such a hard thing to go through - there's just no way to compromise. Either way, someone's going to be unhappy.
I know I'm not much help here, but I just wanted you to know that you're not alone.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-22-2007
Fri, 03-23-2007 - 6:07pm
Thanks for responding. I cant talk to him about this anymore, I get to upset. My husband came from a long list of only children. Both his parents were only children and so was his grandmother. The only family he has left are his parents and they're in their 60's. So this was my arguement for more children...We are all she has, and when we are gone, she will be alone. Even if she has married, theres nothing like having siblings. It's hard for him to understand , he has never had siblings therfore he doesnt know what he's missing. It's like having a support system, always. He finally gets my drift, or so I think. He may be just appeasing me to shut me up, who knows. But I can tell you that if we have no more children i will never be able to forgive him for taking that from me.You are so right in saying someone has to be unhappy, but i am almost at a place where i be damned if that someone will be me. As a child my mother was a foster parent, at one point we had 12 kids in the house only 2 of which were bio kids. I now teach pre-k. I have always been surrounded by kids. Thats where my heart lyes. I love my daughter. She is irreplacable, but i just love being surrounded by love. That make any sense? I mean she brings me so much joy, imagine that, doubled. Amazing
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-06-2010
Sun, 03-25-2007 - 10:39am

When you have children it SHOULD be about money. If he feels you do not have enough money for another child while you have car payments and medical bills he has a right to feel that way.

You have a child to love and cherish, why not focus all your love and attention on the one the child you have instead of a child you don't have?

Just because you carry and birth the child does not give you the right to have as many as you want. Your husband has to support the child until it is 18 and he has the right to say no to more.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-22-2007
Sun, 03-25-2007 - 6:44pm
I can appreciate your opinion, but I disagree. Not sure if you were under the impression i was wanting to have 6 welfare babies or what. This is as much for the one child i have as it is for me. This past christmas the only thing she asked for was a brother or sister. Let me add we are finacially stable, and there will always be something to spend your money on, why not spent it on a child.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-12-2006
Mon, 03-26-2007 - 2:21pm

I have a question for you which no one has asked yet. Did you two discuss children before you were married - how many, when, how far apart, etc? If so, what was decided or agreed on?

Like you said, there will always be things to spend money on. For our finances, we always figure on having a car payment (for each of us), and there are going to be medical bills for regular stuff, and you can't count on not having major bills if someone gets really sick or has a bad wreck or something. Credit cards, well, I use them too, but if you're relying on them too much, you may be living beyond your means, but that's not what you're asking about, and I'm sure not going to lecture you on that! So I do see what you're saying that you're going to have bills. And it goes without saying that you should be financially sound before having kids.

So he may have a point. It's time for a CALM sit down about exactly what his concerns are, because he could have legitimate financial concerns, or like you said, he could be just putting you off with financial excuses because he really doesn't want any more children (hence why it's so important to discuss this before marriage). But you'll need to sit down together and have an honest conversation about it. Leave your emotions at the door - it'll be hard, but if you're over-emotional, it will make it hard for you to hear him out and come up with a solution. If it is purely for financial reasons, come up with a plan to get to where you two will both be comfortable with having another child. If not, if he really and truly does not want any more children, well, then you're going to have to go from there.

For now though, I know how badly you want another child, but unfortunately, the no vote always wins. A child deserves to be loved and wanted by BOTH parents.

(((HUGS)))

Anna

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-22-2007
Mon, 03-26-2007 - 3:33pm
Your right,Anna. And I have been over emotional, many times. I was over emotional the day i posted this message board, lol... I had tried to talk to him about it, and he said we've already had this converstion, and walked off. But to answer your question, No we didnt discuss children before marriage. I was six months pregnant when we got married. It was unexpected. I know i havent given much insight to my situation of the big picture, other than my feelings on it, but I am not a "finacial idiot", and we have never lived pay check to pay check. I guess that is why I feel as if I'm getting the run around. I keep up with the bills, I know whats in the bank.There is plenty of money for four wheelers and guns and a boat, but no baby??? I love my husband, he is a good man, and a good father, and he is my best friend. It just kills me to think that I may have to give up on this, as well as my daughter have to give up on a sibling. She wants one so BAD! Thank you for your kind words, and direction..........
Sarah
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-13-2006
Mon, 03-26-2007 - 3:50pm

surpy77,

Without going into details about life with my sister (too long of a story, but cl-2nd_life knows a great deal of it) let me just say that siblings can be overrated. Don't get me wrong I love my sister with everything, but my husband and child come first and if she was never born I don't think my life would have been very much different. The whole "we're all she has and when we die she'll have no family" is an empty debate. She will have her own family in a husband and children and believe me, her children would come first over any sibling she had.

Unfortunately you made the choice to marry a man that you didn't discuss the number of children you wanted with. Now you have to deal with that and possibly live a life with only one child. I do agree with the other poster who said the no vote wins. Bottom line, put all your love into your one child and be greatful, there are alot of women out there who can't have children and couples who go childless because they can't afford IVF or adoption. Be greatful for the loving husband and wonderful child you have instead of the children that you don't have.

Best of luck,
Defleppardgal




Edited 3/26/2007 3:57 pm ET by defleppardgal

Defleppardgal

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 03-28-2007 - 3:14am
Surpy, I agree with you, if you're waiting for money to be right, you'll be waiting forever, there's always another payment to make, another purchase to be made, something always comes up. But, it sounds like your husband's "after the cars are paid off" was simply a means to appease you for the moment and that he's not at all willing to have another child, right? I do understand your strong desire to have another child, but I also believe that a child needs to be wanted by both parents, and if there is a "no" vote, that's the vote that wins. This is one of those issues that there is no compromising on, there is a clear winner and loser.


I actually know a couple who agreed that there would be no children when they married, but down the road, she changed her mind, having children became a very strong need for her. Her husband's mind, unfortunately, did not change, and while they loved each other very much they ended up divorcing as it became clear that staying together would make neither of them happy or satisfied.


The situation you're in isn't fair to either you or your husband, it just is. I wish there was an answer, but I don't believe there is one.









~ cl-2nd_life

"Experience is what you get
When you don't get what you want"

~ Author unknown








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-22-2007
Wed, 03-28-2007 - 3:20pm
Thanks for the positive feedback. I know that a child needs to be wanted by both parents, I guess I'm just trying to wrap my brain around anyone not wanting a child. To each his own, but after I had my daughter I kinda was like, so this is what i was put here for!
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 03-29-2007 - 1:34am
I wish there was something more positive I could offer. It's no consolation, I know, but having one child allows you to have a relationship with that child that you couldn't have if you had more children. It also allows you to afford her more things, more experiences, more opportunity.











~ cl-2nd_life

"Experience is what you get
When you don't get what you want"

~ Author unknown








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"

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