Husband putting off second child :(
Find a Conversation
Husband putting off second child :(
| Thu, 03-22-2007 - 6:18pm |
I dont think I have enough time or space to describe how badly I want another child. My husband and I have been married for 10 yrs and have a 9 yr old daughter. I am 30, and he is 40. I have been begging and hinting for years and finally last mothers day he agreed, but said only after our vehicles were paid for( in 2 Years). I believe its all about the money to him, which I believe in alot ways is sad. Some people are finacially stable enough to plan their children around money, I on the other hand am fueled by sheer emotion.I dont know how much longer I can wait. Is it fair that I carry the child, I birth it, and ultimatly raise it, but he has the power to decide? Do we not want the same things out of life? Someone, just talk to me. Im so tired of crying and feeling resentment for him for taking this from me. I believe he is putting me off. Now he says after vehicles are paid for, but theres still medical bills and credit cards, blah, blah, blah.Plus, I am 30. While some woman are okay with having children in their 30's, i always thought i'd already be done by now. Anyone else going through or went through this? I could use someone to talk to.

Pages
I'm going through something similar, except in my case my husband isn't putting off a second child - he's flat out told me he does not want to have another one. Ever.
He loves our son madly and he splits parenting duties with me 50-50 (we both work outside the home).
He spends tons of time with our 2 1/2-year-old, watches him when I go on girls' nights out occasionally, shares getting up with him in the middle of the night when he has a nightmare, helps feed him, bathe him and get him ready in the mornings and in general is a fantastic, involved, caring and loving husband and father.
But he's adamant that he does not feel financially or emotionally prepared to have more than one child. He says our son is perfect and he doesn't need another child in order to feel fulfilled as a father.
I'm 36 years old, so my time to have another child is very short, and at this point, it really doesn't look like it's going to happen.
What are my choices? There's no compromise here - we either have another baby or we don't. Sometimes I feel resentful because I think why should we have to do it *his* way? But then again, why should we have to do it *my* way? That's why this is such a hard thing to go through - there's just no way to compromise. Either way, someone's going to be unhappy.
I know I'm not much help here, but I just wanted you to know that you're not alone.
When you have children it SHOULD be about money. If he feels you do not have enough money for another child while you have car payments and medical bills he has a right to feel that way.
You have a child to love and cherish, why not focus all your love and attention on the one the child you have instead of a child you don't have?
Just because you carry and birth the child does not give you the right to have as many as you want. Your husband has to support the child until it is 18 and he has the right to say no to more.
I have a question for you which no one has asked yet. Did you two discuss children before you were married - how many, when, how far apart, etc? If so, what was decided or agreed on?
Like you said, there will always be things to spend money on. For our finances, we always figure on having a car payment (for each of us), and there are going to be medical bills for regular stuff, and you can't count on not having major bills if someone gets really sick or has a bad wreck or something. Credit cards, well, I use them too, but if you're relying on them too much, you may be living beyond your means, but that's not what you're asking about, and I'm sure not going to lecture you on that! So I do see what you're saying that you're going to have bills. And it goes without saying that you should be financially sound before having kids.
So he may have a point. It's time for a CALM sit down about exactly what his concerns are, because he could have legitimate financial concerns, or like you said, he could be just putting you off with financial excuses because he really doesn't want any more children (hence why it's so important to discuss this before marriage). But you'll need to sit down together and have an honest conversation about it. Leave your emotions at the door - it'll be hard, but if you're over-emotional, it will make it hard for you to hear him out and come up with a solution. If it is purely for financial reasons, come up with a plan to get to where you two will both be comfortable with having another child. If not, if he really and truly does not want any more children, well, then you're going to have to go from there.
For now though, I know how badly you want another child, but unfortunately, the no vote always wins. A child deserves to be loved and wanted by BOTH parents.
(((HUGS)))
Anna
Sarah
surpy77,
Without going into details about life with my sister (too long of a story, but cl-2nd_life knows a great deal of it) let me just say that siblings can be overrated. Don't get me wrong I love my sister with everything, but my husband and child come first and if she was never born I don't think my life would have been very much different. The whole "we're all she has and when we die she'll have no family" is an empty debate. She will have her own family in a husband and children and believe me, her children would come first over any sibling she had.
Unfortunately you made the choice to marry a man that you didn't discuss the number of children you wanted with. Now you have to deal with that and possibly live a life with only one child. I do agree with the other poster who said the no vote wins. Bottom line, put all your love into your one child and be greatful, there are alot of women out there who can't have children and couples who go childless because they can't afford IVF or adoption. Be greatful for the loving husband and wonderful child you have instead of the children that you don't have.
Best of luck,
Defleppardgal
Edited 3/26/2007 3:57 pm ET by defleppardgal
Defleppardgal
I actually know a couple who agreed that there would be no children when they married, but down the road, she changed her mind, having children became a very strong need for her. Her husband's mind, unfortunately, did not change, and while they loved each other very much they ended up divorcing as it became clear that staying together would make neither of them happy or satisfied.
The situation you're in isn't fair to either you or your husband, it just is. I wish there was an answer, but I don't believe there is one.
~ cl-2nd_life"Experience is what you get
When you don't get what you want"
~ Author unknown
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
~ cl-2nd_life"Experience is what you get
When you don't get what you want"
~ Author unknown
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
Pages