husband shows no interest
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husband shows no interest
| Sat, 06-03-2006 - 6:31pm |
Hi. I am new to the boards and I originally posted a post on the marrige boards then found you guys and think my situation better fits this board. I am 34 and have been married for 12 years.. My husband has never been one of those guys that wants to have sex all of the time however we had a somewhat decent sex ;ife. For about a year and a half now things hjave been getting worse though.. It seems that he is just not that into me.. He doesnt really seem to make any attempts on his part and now when I do he seems to act like he really doesnt want to have sex but he is doing it to please me.. I feel so unwanted.. No he is not gay and as far as cheating goes, I have looked into the possibilities however, everything is very clean.. I keep tabs on the cell phjone records and he goes to work and comes right home. I do the bills and see his paychecks etc so between that and him being home on the weekends I real;ly dont htink it is that.. I have tried so much that now I am getting frustrated,. I feel so so rejected., I will ask him and he will say no no I love you and love to have sex with you.. I just want to cry at this point.. I feel so neglected. We both were in therapy and nothing really came out of it. My therapist;s opiion was she really thinks he just adores me and doesnt get the sex thing. Any advice?? You all probably think I am crazy../ Thanks Kriss

Two questions for you:
First, how does your husband feel about his lost libido? Is he content, or is he also frustrated by it?
Second, has he seen a medical doctor? There are a number of physical causes for lost libido including medications, stress, tiredness, depression ...... Perhaps he could benefit from a thorough physical?
Welcome to the board, Browneyes3031 ~
I don't have any suggestions for you at this point, only a few more questions, sorry!
What I don't get is this: Your husband adores you, loves you to death, knows that lack of sex (or lack of sexual enthusiasm) is a serious problem for you, yet he's not interested in doing anything to resolve it? That doesn't make sense. I am assuming he clearly knows this is a serious problem for you, right? I'm also hearing that this has been a problem for at least the last seven years, which makes me wonder if his level of sexual desire has ever been comparable to yours. Has it? I know I'm guessing, but I can imagine that you go along for a while saying nothing, then it reaches a point of frustration for you that has you making an issue of it, at that point he gives you an excuse for his lack of desire (fear of pregnancy, tired, etc.) am I right?
Let me know the answers to my questions, I'll be checking back for your response ~
~ cl-2nd_life"Experience is what you get
when you don't get what you want."
~ Author unknown
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
you write: " He doesnt really seem to make any attempts on his part and now when I do he seems to act like he really doesnt want to have sex but he is doing it to please me.. I feel so unwanted.. "
When your husband married you, he took a vow to cherish you.
I'm not at all clear on the most important question I asked. Has this been a problem throughout your marriage and before, or is this something new? I know you mentioned problems seven years ago, was it a problem before that? At this seven year problem you mention did it get better than worse, or did you back off because of his reasons for lack of sex, then let it build back to the point that you complained again?
~ cl-2nd_life"Experience is what you get
when you don't get what you want."
~ Author unknown
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
If this has been a problem since the beginning of your marriage I'd say it's a difference in your libidos that you were aware of from the beginning. If that's true I'd venture to guess that his excuses are a result of years of dealing with the same issue, you pushing him for more, him searching for an excuse that will appease you as to why his needs are not the same as yours. It could also explain why he's so happy and unconcerned that this is a problem for you -- he is who he is, his needs are what they are and it's been known since the beginning. If that's true, the pattern's been in motion for many years, you staying quiet until you reach your frustration's top then you blow, he comes up with a reason why there isn't more sex, you retreat, accepting his reasons, only to all be repeated in the same pattern or cycle again. If that's true, it also explains why he insists he does love you and he does love making love with you, it's not that he doesn't love you or that he doesn't enjoy making love with you, it's that he doesn't have a need or desire to do it more frequently than you are. A compromise would be that his desire/needs level be "bumped up" and yours be "knocked down" a bit to reach some middle ground. I'm not saying that possible, but I don't know that it's not either.
Something else that I think you should think about; you said that he'd approached you in bed and that you turned him away because you felt he was only doing it for you, that it wasn't what he wanted and therefore, it wasn't what you wanted either. In that I have two things to say; 1) You're sending him mixed messages. You're telling him you want sex then rebuffing him when he tries. Have you considered that being rebuffed could very well cause him to be much more hesitant to initiate sex in the future? I can only imagine that this scenario has happened in the past too, and it could have a bearing on where you are now. I'd also suggest that from your actions, what you seem to be saying is that it isn't only that you want more sex, but you want him to want more sex too. That's not going to happen, you can't *make* him want sex more often, and if you're saying that you only want sex when he wants it, then you don't have a reason to complain about getting less than you want (hope that doesn't sound mean, it's not how I meant it). If what you really want is a guy who wants sex more often than he does, then I'd say you need to look for another guy, because this guy isn't it. I think if it's a matter of his libido simply not being as high as yours, it's probably something that's not going to change (evident by this being an issue throughout your entire marriage). You can't change who he is, what he likes, how strong his desires are.
I notice that you say you want more *passion*. Passion isn't more sex. Are you starved for sex or passion? Or both? What do you do to get passion? What do the two of you do together? What kind of lives do you have together? How much time do you spend going "out" together, like a date? When's the last time you two went out and shared some close moments together (again, not sex)?
I've got a couple more thoughts, but need to hear your response before I can be sure they apply ~
~ cl-2nd_life"Experience is what you get
when you don't get what you want."
~ Author unknown
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"