husband shows no interest

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-03-2006
husband shows no interest
9
Sat, 06-03-2006 - 6:31pm
Hi. I am new to the boards and I originally posted a post on the marrige boards then found you guys and think my situation better fits this board. I am 34 and have been married for 12 years.. My husband has never been one of those guys that wants to have sex all of the time however we had a somewhat decent sex ;ife. For about a year and a half now things hjave been getting worse though.. It seems that he is just not that into me.. He doesnt really seem to make any attempts on his part and now when I do he seems to act like he really doesnt want to have sex but he is doing it to please me.. I feel so unwanted.. No he is not gay and as far as cheating goes, I have looked into the possibilities however, everything is very clean.. I keep tabs on the cell phjone records and he goes to work and comes right home. I do the bills and see his paychecks etc so between that and him being home on the weekends I real;ly dont htink it is that.. I have tried so much that now I am getting frustrated,. I feel so so rejected., I will ask him and he will say no no I love you and love to have sex with you.. I just want to cry at this point.. I feel so neglected. We both were in therapy and nothing really came out of it. My therapist;s opiion was she really thinks he just adores me and doesnt get the sex thing. Any advice?? You all probably think I am crazy../ Thanks Kriss
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2004
Sat, 06-03-2006 - 7:07pm

Two questions for you:

First, how does your husband feel about his lost libido? Is he content, or is he also frustrated by it?

Second, has he seen a medical doctor? There are a number of physical causes for lost libido including medications, stress, tiredness, depression ...... Perhaps he could benefit from a thorough physical?

Dress Up Games, Doll Makers and Cartoon Dolls @ The Doll Palace
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-03-2006
Sat, 06-03-2006 - 7:57pm
This does not seem to bother him at all!! When we went to therapy I went on my pown then he joined in with me the doctor said the same thing however, he never ended up goping for a doctors visit.. I highly doubt this is the reason even though it is very possible.. There has always been some excuse when I bring up how upsetting this is to me.. He makes it seem like everythjing is Ok.. Some excuses in the past were fear of pregnany he didnt want any more kids.. I made him a vasectomy appointment and that was 7 yuears ago and look where that got me.. Tiredness, now the latest is his add. He started adderal about 4 months ago and it says on the packet that it is supposed to increase your libido.. Not in my instance!!! I think he is very content. I know he is content.. I am tired of making so many different efforts whether its talking about it , or trying new ways to spice the marrige up.. I feel angry and useless!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 06-04-2006 - 12:36am

Welcome to the board, Browneyes3031 ~


I don't have any suggestions for you at this point, only a few more questions, sorry!


What I don't get is this: Your husband adores you, loves you to death, knows that lack of sex (or lack of sexual enthusiasm) is a serious problem for you, yet he's not interested in doing anything to resolve it? That doesn't make sense. I am assuming he clearly knows this is a serious problem for you, right? I'm also hearing that this has been a problem for at least the last seven years, which makes me wonder if his level of sexual desire has ever been comparable to yours. Has it? I know I'm guessing, but I can imagine that you go along for a while saying nothing, then it reaches a point of frustration for you that has you making an issue of it, at that point he gives you an excuse for his lack of desire (fear of pregnancy, tired, etc.) am I right?


Let me know the answers to my questions, I'll be checking back for your response ~







~ cl-2nd_life

"Experience is what you get
when you don't get what you want."

~ Author unknown








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-03-2006
Sun, 06-04-2006 - 9:30am
Yes!! You are pretty much right.. He blames a lot of this on his ADD and when I go to talk about it he thinks there is nothing wrong!! Its frustrating !! Its like he is on another planet.. However out of the bedroom he is so so sweet ALL OF THE TIME!! He'll call me from work, he;s a great dad, a great provider and like I mentioned zero signs of cheating.. I am so confused.. I just dont know what to do.. I have brought this issue up so much its tiring now with him.. I hope I am making some sense..
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-31-2004
Sun, 06-04-2006 - 9:48am

you write: " He doesnt really seem to make any attempts on his part and now when I do he seems to act like he really doesnt want to have sex but he is doing it to please me.. I feel so unwanted.. "


When your husband married you, he took a vow to cherish you.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-03-2006
Sun, 06-04-2006 - 10:07am
Wow.. You're pretty intuitive.. I need that!!! What do you do when everything else is going so well?? Regarding the therapist I used she has been great.. I was seeing her for other issues and as helped me work my way through many of them however, at this point I do feel that it is time to move on and find someone else.. I do got to say though.. She saw us togther and him a few times without me.. And she really seemed confused. She said what she new for sure was that he really does adore me and according to him he doesnt seem to think there is anything wrong.. ( menaing he doesnt think he as any issues with me regading sex and that he loves having sex with me.. She also said to have him het a physical which many on these boards have mentioned but he hasn't.. I also mentioned a few times that he has ADD and that he recently started adderal and in the information pack it stated that the medication can INCREASE his libido.. Well, it hasnt.. If I showed him what you wrote back to me (WHICH I 100% AGREE WITH YOU) he would get and feel very upset because he claims none of this is on purpose etc.. When I being this up to him he just seems so so clueless.. Its like he comes across dumb and I am not saying that in a mean way.. Here I go rambling!! Sorry.. Kriss
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 06-04-2006 - 10:07pm

I'm not at all clear on the most important question I asked. Has this been a problem throughout your marriage and before, or is this something new? I know you mentioned problems seven years ago, was it a problem before that? At this seven year problem you mention did it get better than worse, or did you back off because of his reasons for lack of sex, then let it build back to the point that you complained again?








~ cl-2nd_life

"Experience is what you get
when you don't get what you want."

~ Author unknown








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-03-2006
Mon, 06-05-2006 - 11:54am
This has been a concern throughout the marrige I would say about 8 years out of the 12.. However, when we would be intimate it would be great! Throughout the years, I would bring this issue up and he would say well, I am tired and its too late etc, then it became a pregnancy fear then something else.. I would adjust to the situation and things would stay the same and there would be another excuse.. Like I had mentioned the latest was and is his ADD.. So like I said above to answer your question it has been on going HOWEVER, now it's getting even stranger because when I approach him, he seems like hge really doesnt want to be bothered and when we are having sex it just seems different.. I said somehting to him yesterday afternoon and he replied this is not true blah blah blah.. Then I respond well, I guess I cant share my feeling or am allowed to have feeling and then a few hours later he gets all sweetsy sweetsy like a sense of guilt.. Last night I went to bed and he was cuddled up next to me kissing and me and then asked about making ove and I was like no thats ok because I feel like he is only saying that out of guilt and to make me feel happy.. So now I am at the point that when we do go to have sex I cant get into it becaise I feel like this is somewhere he doesnt want to be.. Throughout the 7 years , when we did have sex it was AWESOME sex where the next morning I would reflect back from the evening prior and get chills up my spine and now thats all gone! Sorry this is long and I hope I gave you more insight to this situation.. I am startving for passion.. So first there were issues with excuses and I tried to deal with them as they cam along and one more thing he also mentioned quite a few times that he liked it when I made the initiative so I asked him if for me he could make some initiative and he really never did and now when I make the initiative in which he said he liked he just seems like "do I have to right now type of attitude.. In the mean time, I really think he doesnt believe this is such an important issue to me.. Its like he is in nah nah land.. Ill say to him I am tired of your games and he will get so so defensive!! I am at the point where I am thinking maybe I am crazy who knows!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 06-06-2006 - 12:58am

If this has been a problem since the beginning of your marriage I'd say it's a difference in your libidos that you were aware of from the beginning. If that's true I'd venture to guess that his excuses are a result of years of dealing with the same issue, you pushing him for more, him searching for an excuse that will appease you as to why his needs are not the same as yours. It could also explain why he's so happy and unconcerned that this is a problem for you -- he is who he is, his needs are what they are and it's been known since the beginning. If that's true, the pattern's been in motion for many years, you staying quiet until you reach your frustration's top then you blow, he comes up with a reason why there isn't more sex, you retreat, accepting his reasons, only to all be repeated in the same pattern or cycle again. If that's true, it also explains why he insists he does love you and he does love making love with you, it's not that he doesn't love you or that he doesn't enjoy making love with you, it's that he doesn't have a need or desire to do it more frequently than you are. A compromise would be that his desire/needs level be "bumped up" and yours be "knocked down" a bit to reach some middle ground. I'm not saying that possible, but I don't know that it's not either.


Something else that I think you should think about; you said that he'd approached you in bed and that you turned him away because you felt he was only doing it for you, that it wasn't what he wanted and therefore, it wasn't what you wanted either. In that I have two things to say; 1) You're sending him mixed messages. You're telling him you want sex then rebuffing him when he tries. Have you considered that being rebuffed could very well cause him to be much more hesitant to initiate sex in the future? I can only imagine that this scenario has happened in the past too, and it could have a bearing on where you are now. I'd also suggest that from your actions, what you seem to be saying is that it isn't only that you want more sex, but you want him to want more sex too. That's not going to happen, you can't *make* him want sex more often, and if you're saying that you only want sex when he wants it, then you don't have a reason to complain about getting less than you want (hope that doesn't sound mean, it's not how I meant it). If what you really want is a guy who wants sex more often than he does, then I'd say you need to look for another guy, because this guy isn't it. I think if it's a matter of his libido simply not being as high as yours, it's probably something that's not going to change (evident by this being an issue throughout your entire marriage). You can't change who he is, what he likes, how strong his desires are.


I notice that you say you want more *passion*. Passion isn't more sex. Are you starved for sex or passion? Or both? What do you do to get passion? What do the two of you do together? What kind of lives do you have together? How much time do you spend going "out" together, like a date? When's the last time you two went out and shared some close moments together (again, not sex)?


I've got a couple more thoughts, but need to hear your response before I can be sure they apply ~







~ cl-2nd_life

"Experience is what you get
when you don't get what you want."

~ Author unknown








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"