husband thinks sex is love

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-02-2006
husband thinks sex is love
8
Sat, 09-02-2006 - 1:51pm
My husband is very insecure. If he doesn't get "attention" (sex) every few days he gets emotionally unavaiable and very short tempered. I think he is depressed - has never delt with not being loved as a child. I am afriad that he is not a good parent or roll model for our child because the only way he is happy is when our sex life is "normal." I really believes he loves me more than our child and just thinks of our child as an after thought.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-27-2004
Sat, 09-02-2006 - 4:04pm
Are you saying that he wants sex much more often than you do, and pouts when he doesn't get it?
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-31-2004
Sat, 09-02-2006 - 4:07pm

As your husband, he *should* love you more than the child--he vowed before God and man to make you his priority affectionate relationship, not any children you may or may not have had. When he agreed to 'let no man put (your marriage)asunder', that includes children. That's not to say that one isn't supposed to love their child: they are. But the child may not replace the spouse in primary affection and love.

For some men, sex is an expression of love. They aren't wired the way most women are in that they consider love to be an expression of love and sex is the by product of that love.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-29-2006
Sat, 09-02-2006 - 4:08pm
I'm not really sure how to answer since I don't know the two of you. Does he feel that maybe you're unattracted to him if you don't have sex as often or does he think it must be because theres a problem with the two of you? When you say he's not happy if he doesn't get it.How does he show it, is he showing a pattern of being angry or depressed on all days he doesn't get sex and not on others? And in what ways if he is? I don't know how he is with your child. We can't make people be good parents. I assume he really does love yuor child as much as you, but there really is no way to measure this. How does he show or not show the love for the child? Is the child constantly ignored,not cared for by him,or what does he do or say to show this? Have you talked with him on these two subjects, suggested counseling for himself or for you both to go together?
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-02-2006
Sat, 09-02-2006 - 4:50pm
Yes, he has told me that he needs sex daily. If sex didn't feel expected, I wouldn't mind it 2x per week. He really does more than pout, for instance he will not say "Good Morning" or even "how was your day?" he avoids any form of communication.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-02-2006
Sat, 09-02-2006 - 5:16pm
He does feel like I am not attracted to him. He makes me feel that obligation for daily sex and then it in a sense it does turn me off.
Yes he is completely detached on the days he does not receive sex then on the sex days he is a normal, happy, go-lucky actually a good husband.
He is good with our child but I have heard him say "I love you" only a handful of times in 2 years, he smles when he walks in the door for our child and plays for 5 minutes then turns TV on. He will go as far (on his stressed sexless days) as to say "your mommy better have some attention for your Daddy later" to the child and still not have acknowledged me. We started counseling about 6 months ago had 2 weeks of intense couseling and the Dr. recommended that he see an individual therapist for him past issues. But he has never gone.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-29-2006
Sat, 09-02-2006 - 6:03pm
If the Dr. recommended he go to counseling for himself and he just won't go, it's his problem. You can stay with him and deal with him forever or choose not too. Just know sometimes people aren't always into their kids as much as others but they still love them. Saying comments like "mommy better have attention for daddy" is his way of hinting to you, however wrong it is, he thinks you'll get the hint. It's not right for him not try as well or give you other forms of attention and just expect you should come around about the sex issue. He has to try too. if he's not willing to do these things for you and your relationship it's his loss if and 'when' you end up leaving him from being sick of it all.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-02-2006
Sat, 09-02-2006 - 6:16pm
Thanks for you advise, your last comment is sometimes how I feel and I really don't want to feel thant way.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 09-03-2006 - 12:16am
Sgv3, has he always been this way, even when you were dating, expecting sex on a daily basis and acting like a child when he doesn't get it? I suspect that your relationship has a lot more problems than just the sex demand, and you confirmed it by stating that you've been going to therapy. What other issues are you having problems with in your marriage? Can you tell us a bit about your relationship? From what you've said, it sounds like he has some issues to work on; it also sounds like he's not really interested in working on those issues.


I've got to tell you Sgv3, based on the little that you've said, your husband sounds very self-centered and immature. It doesn't take a lot to figure out that pouting and being demanding doesn't make anyone want to have sex with you. I agree with you that his actions and his words aren't good for your son to be exposed to, but I'll also say that his actions and his words aren't acceptable for you either.








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