Husband wants a Divorce

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-14-2003
Husband wants a Divorce
8
Sat, 06-14-2003 - 10:30am
PLEASE HELP!!! Two nights ago my husband says he wants a divorce. We've been having problems for awhile now. We spent way to much time together in the beginning of the relationship, and we are young. Now after being together two and a half years he says that I get on his nerves, and that he wants a divorce. But its like a week ago we were getting along and talking about buying a house, with him asking me to find the number to the house he wanted to look at, told me things were getting a little better. Now he says he lied to me about all that and that he doesn't know whether he wants to stay or not because he said he doesn't have ANY romantic feelings for me at all and that's why he doesn't like to touch or kiss me as much anymore. Could it be the fact we spent too much time together and we fight and argue alot, and we never go anywhere without each other? Or is it time to throw in the towel? I'm scared. I love him with all my heart and I'm trying so hard, but I'm getting nothing back from him and I don't know what to do. I need some help quickly because He says cruel things like he's not attracted to me, doesn't care about me, but still loves me and that's why he hasn't left yet.... what is going on? He's 19... young.. says he is bored with me. Wants other girls, wants porn, is bored with us... I mean, then when we get along says its not true. What's happening?
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 06-14-2003 - 11:41pm
He was 17 when you met? That explains it. You guys are waaaay too young to have gotten married or even dated steadily. Maybe you can separate and grow up in time to save your marriage or maybe not. Get some counseling if you can. If he insists on a divorce then there is nothing you can do.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-14-2003
Sun, 06-15-2003 - 11:02am
I just don't know what I am supposed to do... he says that he feels very little but its there and then he still sleeps with me sometimes, I think because he's just wanting sex, not because he wants me, and that's only a few times a week. I caught him looking at porn the other night, he knows I HATE it, and he knows how much it hurts me, so he promises he won't do it, but then I catch him still doing it. When I caught him he says its his business and I need to stay out of it, because by me telling him not to, I'm just controlling him. I love him... I really do, and I'm scared he's going to leave, but I don't know what to do. I feel like something is left of him. When we met.. for like two years he was SO sweet. He was the greatest boyfriend/husband you could ever ask for. He was caring and kind, sweet and romantic, now he's just rude, cruel, mean, and says the worst things to me. Doesn't even care when I cry... he says "Go ahead, whine a little bit more baby".... I'm so torn up right now and I need help.. I mean I really need him... I try to get advice off these message boards because I don't want to be emailed and him see it. But I just don't know what else to do I've been scrambling looking at this website, but it seems to have done no good. I'm so insecure right now, and I feel alone....
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-13-2003
Sun, 06-15-2003 - 1:41pm
Hello. I read your other post to another poster too, and here is some information that helped me when I had a problem like yours, maybe it can help you too.

http://messageboards.ivillage.com/n/mb/message.asp?webtag=iv-rldomesting&msg=148.1&ctx=4194304

http://messageboards.ivillage.com/iv-rldomesting

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Mon, 06-16-2003 - 11:52am
Hi Sammy.

Your husband is very young and I'm assuming you are too. I know there are some young people that are totally mature and can deal successfully with adult situations. It appears that your husband was put into an adult situation a little too early in life. Perhaps his friends are not committed to anyone right now and he sees that and feels he should be experiencing the same things they are right now. He loves you, but appears to be somewhat selfish. He needs to know that he can not play with your feelings as he does. It appears your husband has a lot of growing up to do.



I am so sorry that you're having to go through this. I feel your pain in your posts. Counseling is definitely the key. Please ask him if he's willing to consult professional advice before the relationship truly ends. A counselor can sit down and talk to you two together to try to get to the root of the problem.

It may just be that you are ready for something that your husband just isn't right now and professional counseling can help you two realize what the issues are here. You two may come to the conclusion that seperation may or may not be the key right now.

Also, counseling may help you realize that your husband may not be right for you. It's not good to be in a relationship that constantly tears you down emotionally, physically and/or mentally.

I wish you the best in everything.

Honey_bee

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-14-2003
Mon, 06-16-2003 - 4:44pm
Thanks for everyone trying to help. I'm still so confused though.

The other night we went out with his friend for awhile and of course, I didn't say anything. I don't want him to feel confined to me, you know... but I think both of us started our marriage out way wrong. I'm 22 and he's 19 first off... and the first two years of our relationship we spent together. I mean CONSTANTLY. No one else just us two. Now he's tired of me. I mean... like last night, he came in and sat down next to me on the couch when I asked him to and he put his arm around me and just sat with me awhile holding my head... but today he's back to being quiet and moody. I can tell he doesn't want to be around me. And I don't know what to do. Sometimes I think he might want to be here and stay, other times he makes it seem hopeless.

I hate porn. I hate it with a passion, right now with me having such low self esteem it makes me feel very unpretty and not enough for him. I caught him red handed on some things he had downloaded from WInMx a music downloader.. and asked him. He said it was a song and when I pulled up the picture, he got mad at ME! He said I had no right tocheck up on him, and I should just mind my business and let it happen because its not a big deal. That I'm being psycho about it. That he likes looking at other women and I should just deal with it. He used to never look at porn he said he didn't like it. NOw the past couple months he says he lied. I tried to look the other way about it, but I couldn't it just bothered me so much. He gets mad at me... god, everything is such a mess and I just don't know what to do.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-22-2003
Wed, 06-18-2003 - 2:33pm
This is all very sad, but I have to agree with the previous posts. You guys were way too young. Now he wants out, he feels trapped, he feels like he has given his life away. I partly understand him. He is trying to be nice to you, because he is mature enough to realize that it's not your fault: he is not blaming you, he is respectful of your feelings. Other guys would be abusive and nasty. You should respect him for this.

What can I say? You are young too. Do you really, really want to hold on to a man who says he doesn't want you any more? Do you have such low self-esteem that you don't believe anyone else will want you? Come on! :-)

Get yourself out of the house. Work out, read, go online and make new friends. Painful as it may be, tell him to move out, or move out yourself. Staying in the same house will only make everything more painful. Nagging about porn will only makes things worse. Trust me: porn has nothing to do with your problems.

I am sorry if all this sounds hard. I do feel your pain, and I do wish you happiness. But I honestly don't believe that the way to happiness lies in trying to hold on to someone who wants out.

Good luck!

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-06-2003
Wed, 06-18-2003 - 2:52pm
I disagree. For SOME people it may be too young, but some people can handle it. Age can make things difficult sometimes, but not impossible.

I met my husband when I was 15 and he was 17. I'm now 21 and he's 23. We've been married for just about three years, and are very happy. We have a 6-month-old son. There's no guarantee that we'll be together in 10, 25, or 50 years, but then that's never a guarantee no matter what age you are.

I think he's probably a little frightened at the prospect of buying a house and all the other responsibilities that come along with that. But again, that can happen even when a person is 30, if it's the first time they've bought a house.

In my opinion, you should just give him some time. Be open and honest about your feelings with him. If you guys love each other, things will fall into place. Relationships are very hard work, no matter the age.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-01-2003
Wed, 06-18-2003 - 10:16pm
You know why you're not finding what you're looking for on websites and message boards? Because you want a simple answer that offers instant gratification. Sorry, dear, but it ain't gonna happen. The real answers have been given to you already, but you don't want to see it. This marriage is not going to last because neither one of you have the maturity to make it work. That's not an insult. That's the truth. We all know how much you want it to work out, but wanting something doesn't make it an attainable goal. Real maturity means accepting your fallibilities.

You lacked the life experience to make such a huge commitment. You didn't know what it meant. You thought that everything would work out in the end BECAUSE you were married, not in spite of that fact. But you can't make someone love you. You can't make someone want to be with you. You can't force someone to get help for a goal that they don't share. He wants out, so let him go. You will save yourself a lot of heartache. Right now you are holding on to what little hope you have, but you aren't seeing the big picture. It doesn't matter what he does from day to day, or minute to minute. What matters is the way he makes you feel. You are miserable and uncertain.

Without specifics, ask yourself if your relationship is healthy. All the negatives and the positives tallied, which way does your relationship lean? If you are having to hold on by threads, I imagine that it is not a positive thing. It is not healthy. You have major insecurities that will only continue to denegrate this marriage. He has control and freedom issues that are not conducive to a long-term relationship. You love him, but not as he is. Same with him. But for a marriage to last, you have to love who you ARE married to, not who they COULD BE. Not what they could do. Not what they should say. No one will ever live up to your expectations, and you are continuing to punish each other because you have both fallen short of the other's ideal.

You are not going to be able to fix these problems together because they are not rooted in your relationship. They are personal demons. I can guarantee you that if you moved out on your own and supported yourself for just a year, you would understand what I mean. You will understand your worth. And you will not allow yourself to be treated the way he is treating you. You would demand better for yourself because you would know that you don't have to stay in any relationship that doesn't fulfill you. You would know that you could make it on your own.

Please, please, PLEASE...do NOT say, "...but he said this and this and that and the other, but then he said..." I DON'T CARE!!!! Keeping a running tally of his imperfections is not going to solve any problems. Taking action and DOING something about your own issues, and preparing yourself by getting healthy emotionally is what you should be concentrating on right now. If you do continue to work on this marriage, do so with the knowledge that you will be working on it alone, and don't be suprised if you are setting yourself up for a fall.

April