I am boiling mad at dh

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-01-2004
I am boiling mad at dh
14
Sun, 09-10-2006 - 2:27am
Okay, here is the quick story:
First of all, I am 5 and 1/2 months pregnant with our 2nd child.
I am a very small girl well waistline that is 5'11 and 145 (pre preggo), I just gain a lot when I have babies growing in me.
Okay, my dh (today it is dumb), was watching tv in the living room and I was in our room, usually I am asleep by now, well i wasn't tonight so I walked into the living room and to my surprise he was watching so corny nudey show on tv, with a hard pp (sorry tmi), and his freaking hand down his pants. I said 'uh excuse me, what are you doing', i didn't mention how he is so very against any masterbation, gets mad if people even talk about it. I am sorry but I got pissed, what in the hell is he doing, and why is he doing this when i am home?? I am crying now and he just denied everything, actually said,' i was iching', i said after i poked at it, said oh, that iching must have felt good. I feel even more ugly now, and so betrayed by all this. I wouldn't think much about it, honestly but the last time i was pg. he cheated on me. all of that came flashing in my head, am i wrong, should i just let this go and be hurt and disgusted (sp) or what?
sorry, so long, please help me!
Misty
edd 1-4-07

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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-31-2004
Sun, 09-10-2006 - 5:29am

I think you're making a mountain out of a molehill.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-01-2004
Sun, 09-10-2006 - 12:48pm
Okay, I appreciate your opionion. On the other hand I have to disagree with you. Just because i said it came "flashing" doesn't mean I dwell on it everyday.
I am sorry, but it is not okay to watch a corney nudey movie by yourself and have a hard on, it may be okay if you were alone... meaning the only one in the house. Not me being in another room. That is just gross!!! Adjusting himself, i don't know I am not a man, but does that turn you on in some way? If so that too is perverse!!
I actually responded very calm, unlike him I wasn't yelling, people that get defensive a lot are usually up to something, I wasn't defensive!
As for therapy, come on... have you ever been cheated on, no matter how much therapy you go through, you will always have that in the back of your head. We paid a therapist 450.00 for 2 hours, trust me, we have used plenty of counselors, he isn't honest in the sessions, therefore either the councelor or he will terminate sessions.
And did i mention i was 5 1/2 months pregnant? I don't know if you are male or female but, hormones are out of whack now and it is easy to get upset. But i still don't feel i am wrong
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Sun, 09-10-2006 - 12:58pm

Hi,

I'm so sorry you had to walk in on that, especially while pregnant. I DO have some questions to ask you.

Do you have a problem with masterbation completely and totally? If you do, how long has he known it and does he know you won't allow it in your life? What about porn? Is it ever okay with you or is it straight out? You say he has always been very down on mb, what about porn? Does he think it's filth of the earth or does he think "it's a guy thing"? How badly does he rail on mb? What are your boundaries in this regard and what are you going/thinking of doing about it?

I do not think you are out of line if I read right that he has stated repeatedly that mb is wrong. You walked in on him doing something he says is wrong. I can see where you would flash to him cheating, since that is another wrong thing that happened while you were pregnant. I have more comments to make but I need answers to my questions before I start giving "real advice", lol. I do want to say though that you have every right to say that you will not allow mb in your marriage, and your H has every right to leave if he wants to do it.

Jen

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-22-2006
Sun, 09-10-2006 - 1:20pm

This will probably get me in trouble here.. But what the heck, I not scared.
Why did you get upset,Wouldnt it have been better for the both of you, when you noticed him polishing the tools in the tool box ;-),that you gone over to him reliesing his obvious arrousal and sort of taken the matter in your hands.
I dont know how that subject fits into your marrage. But I would think he would have appreciated it, and Im sure if he is half a man that I assume he is.
He would been more than glad to take care of you as well. Would have been a win - win situation for the both of you....

Ok Ladies let the flaming began Hdog

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-01-2004
Sun, 09-10-2006 - 1:20pm
Jen, thanks for replying:
I hope I answer all your questions:
He HATES mb and porn, says they are very immoral and that is what is wrong with women/men and marriages these days.
As for me, i think it is 'okay' if the two of you are in the bedroom together. nothing wrong with spicing it up.
I did write him a letter, it is very hard to talk to someone that deny's everything. I mean everything, I had a women come to my house 2 mo. after i gave birth to our daughter because he kept denying it.
I think he is two different people and wants me to think he is one way but infact is totally the opposite, not that it is his fault but his father cheats on his mom all the time, even conceived 2 children out of it.
he and his dad set up some 'friend finder' thing and was looking for discreet sex. this was about 3 years ago, he said it was only for fun. I try and try to trust him for the sake of the marriage and our children, i just don't think i know him.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-01-2004
Sun, 09-10-2006 - 1:24pm
your fine, i am just offended because he is making comments about my weight, i am by NO means fat and i know what fat it, up until 4 months ago I was still doing run way modeling. i don't ever want to be critized for my weight, for God sake i have a child growing in me, I have to gain weight, I am fine with it he isn't.
I feel he was doing this in spite of that, and to be honest, at first it did cross my mind to engage but then i got embarrased that he was doing this. does this make any sense>
Misty
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-01-2004
Sun, 09-10-2006 - 1:27pm
i guess it is deeper than this too, he doesn't even kiss me on his way out, nor has he 'real' kissed me in 2 years, i struggle to get his attention, possitive or negative, I feel like a child sometimes thriving for his attention. He also treats me like a child, I am 27, he is 29, so by NO means does he need to play dad with me.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Sun, 09-10-2006 - 5:57pm

OKay, after reading your last reply to me, I'm going to say that it sounds like your H has a sex addiction problem. YOU don't have a problem with porn and mb yet he hides it from you AND he says that it goes against his morals and beliefs. His dad had several extramarital affairs (so it's quite possible HE also has a sex addiction problem). Your H has had at least one affair. For you, it's not that he's using porn or mb, it's the lies surrounding it, am I right?

I would suggest taking a look at the Families Damaged by Pornography board http://messageboards.ivillage.com/iv-psfamporn here on ivillage. It's an addiction issue, plain and simple. YOU can believe that it's okay (in moderation) but for your H it sounds like it's something totally different. It's something he learned from his dad that is going to take time, work, and a DESIRE to change. If there was nothing wrong (in his mind) with it, he wouldn't lie, minimize, dismiss, etc the behavior. Which is what makes it a problem.

Jen

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-22-2006
Sun, 09-10-2006 - 6:31pm

guess it is deeper than this too, he doesn't even kiss me on his way out, nor has he 'real' kissed me in 2 years, i struggle to get his attention, possitive or negative,

OK lauryns mom;
Im not a counsler or anything, Ive just been around the block a few times so to speak.
But when I read that quote it spoke volumns to me.
If hes playing on this friend finder site, and has cheated on you before, plus making comments like that it seems to be he may have quite possibaly got himself something going on the side again. I man that is satified with what he has at home as well the knowledge of a pending birth of his 2nd child just shouldnt be acting this way. I am a father of 3 and I am damn near 50 years old. Some of the best moments in our marrage was when we were going through the process of childbirth. Any other women just wasnt part of my thoughts. I was entirely focased on my wife and child that was about to brought into this world.
This is just my 2cents on this. I would try to find somesort of support group or a close friend to help you get through this. Dont give up, never say never, but dont be blind ether
Agian this just my take on what you have posted, it my be far from whats really happening in your marrage. Good luck and Im sure that there will be tons of support for you on this board.
Rick

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Sun, 09-10-2006 - 10:24pm

I have to say I disagree. SA would cause all those same problems, not having intimacy and not connecting, without there HAVING to be someone on the side. There COULD be, or it could just be the self-centeredness attached with an addiction issue.

Jen

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