I am new here & hope some of u can help

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-12-2005
I am new here & hope some of u can help
17
Tue, 10-11-2005 - 9:31am
First off my DH and I have been married 10 years and have dated almost 6 years before this. I have been to counseling for 2 months without him and than him and I also went for a few months. First off he is a perfectionist in every way possible that the word means. It drives me more crazy than nails on a chalkboard. Its like the minute he starts with his "anal crap" I call it I shut down and shut him out. He knows how I feel when he gets that way. At times I feel its reflecting on our kids and they are wanting to do things a certain way ALL THE TIME.
This marriage has not been happy go lucky all the time. In the beginning he would drink once in awhile and when he did he would have a temper like there is no tomorrow. We went through anger management classes together and ever since I protect my girls like a mother lion of her young. He has not acted out with his temper anymore so thats good. I have had numerous affairs. Yes this is a problem. We were seperated this last spring and filed for divorce and I was starting to see someone else. I ended up walking away from this other man and thought I need to try all possible outlets for my sake the kids sake and DH's sake so that if this doesn't work I know I tried all possible outlets. I am back and we built a house this last year so we all just moved in it 2 months ago. Its a beautiful house but there is a part of me that doesn't feel like its a home. There is also a huge part of me that doesn't feel like I can give my DH 100% of me anymore. I feel like I am at the end of my road for this marriage. I haven't seen my counselor in 2 months now and I think I need to get back fast here or this marriage might be over. There is no other guy I am involved in to distract me away from my DH but I am miserable. He gives me the world and financially we are not bad off and I am able to be a SAHM. I feel like a horrible person inside because I don't have the feelings for him but I don't know what to do. I am so sad and depressed I just can't do this anymore. The last guy I was seeing that I walked away from I truly loved and could have seen myself spending the rest of my life with him and his kids. I loved his kids and I know I have learned to let go of him but I still hurt over him as well. Sorry if this got to long. I hope someone can shed some advise that may have been in the same boat as me. Thanks for listening again.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 10-13-2005 - 1:22am

Great for you, Carrie! I'm so glad you're going back to your therapist where you'll get the help and support you need. We'll be looking forward to hearing how you're doing.







~ cl-2nd_life

"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."

~ Author unknown

my signature exchange partner:

Living Together








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-12-2005
Thu, 10-13-2005 - 8:44am
You know the one dilema I have is that when my DH and I were seperated and filed for divorce I was at peace and I loved my time to myself and not having to deal with him. It was like everytime he came around for the kids it would irritate me more and just piss me off to no end. I know I have the feelings of attractiveness if that's a word to my daughters Gymnastics coach and I just feel that its a problem even if him and I weren't to have a relationship because I shouldn't be looking in the first place. I just should not be with my DH and I really feel I need out. The big thing that keeps holding me back is how are the kid going to be. I just hope they will adjust and bounce back. I feel I am selfish for doing this and making a decision like this but its my life too. I will post again in awhile. Have a good day ladies.
Carrie
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 10-13-2005 - 9:52am

I think that an aspect your missing is the damage living in an unhappy situation is doing to your daughters. They're growing up seeing that it's okay and normal for women to be unhappy, irritated and pi$$ed off with their husbands. You may think you're hiding it from them, but they're catching plenty. Remember that the relationship you have with your husband what they're use to gauge "normal" and "right" to be and they'll strive to have the same kinds of relationships. If what you're living isn't what you'd want for them, then it's time to change your life to fit what you'd like for them. Being happy is a good start. They'll learn that your life and your happiness matter, the lesson they'll get from that is that their lives and happiness matter too.







~ cl-2nd_life

"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."

~ Author unknown

my signature exchange partner:

Living Together








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-12-2005
Thu, 10-13-2005 - 8:04pm
Ok I am back from the therapist. I got pretty emotional today on how over whelming everything is because there is so much involved with dissolving the marriage. However I got to see a lot of things differently than I was before. She showed me that since he is the only relationiship that I ever cheated on or had an affair on that it might stem from his perfectionism and trying to control me or a situation all the time. It is quite interesting to look at things that way but not sure what to think and why I did it. I still haven't told my DH that I went to the therapist today but I don't want him to worry. I really need to decide if I want this relationship to continue and if so there is A LOT to work on and if not than I need to not drag this out and stop being miserable in a situation that I can control. That's my update for now. Thanks for listening to me.
Carrie
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-21-2005
Thu, 10-13-2005 - 8:52pm
Quick note Carrie - I might be wrong in this but I wouldn't think so...I think it may be wise to let him know you are in therapy rather than keeping it from him. He needs to know what's going on with you if you are going to give him a chance to change anything. It takes 2 people to make a marriage fail and I think if it's about to then he needs to be alerted to what he may be possibly doing to make it fail and if he can change anything. Unless of course you don't have the intention of staying at all, in that case I would just leave now. Things will only begin to get worse if you stay and are only growing unhappier.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 10-13-2005 - 11:00pm

I agree. Your husband deserves to know you're in therapy and if knowing you're in therapy makes him worry that there might be a problem, he should be worried -- there is a problem. He should have the awareness that things aren't wonderful and have the chance to prepare himself (if that's what he'll do), but being blind-sided after thinking everything's okay isn't fair. Likewise, if you're not planning to stay, then tell him and go.


I also that if you leave you need a good block of time (like six months to a year) man-free so that you can get your feet on the ground, your head straight, get a chance to know who you are and what you want before jumping into another relationship. One relationship should not be traded for another, it allows no time to get in touch with yourself, it's a mistake to jump to another and a leading cause of the next relationship failing as well.







~ cl-2nd_life

"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."

~ Author unknown

my signature exchange partner:

Living Together








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-12-2005
Fri, 10-14-2005 - 2:45am
Thanks for the insight and suggestions. I am not misleading my DH into anything he doesn't already fear or may know. He knows things are not the best and we have been in counseling and took a 2 month break and I decided I wanted to go back for me. There are a lot of issues I need to resolve for me. I had a mother growing up that was an unmedicated bi-polar manic depressive and a secret alcoholic drinking father. It was great really. There are things I need to deal with within myself that I am bringing to this marriage and before I could ever let another man into any relationship with me I need to deal with this first. I appreciate all the insight and will continue to update. Thanks again ladies. ((Hugs))
Carrie

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