i am so confused about my relationship

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-26-2006
i am so confused about my relationship
4
Tue, 09-26-2006 - 12:34pm
My boyfriend and I have been together for about three years and have had an amazing relationship so far. Recently summer ended and he started his last year of college at new school. He hates school and he hates his job and compains about them everyday. He finally decided to quit his job and then he told me that he thought we should go our seperate ways. I felt he needed space so I just let him go, but then next day he called me and said that he loves me and he felt like he was trying to run away from our relationship and he just compounded me as part of everything that was making him unhappy. But he was sincere and I know he is depressed so I took him back. He seemed ok for a day or two but now he has started acting weird again. He doesnt give me the attention he normally would and he does not seem like himself. I am just so confused. Is he being weird about our relationship again or is he just still depressed about everything else. I want to give him space, but I just can't help but worry about us constantly and about him hurting me again. I love him and don't want to lose him. I just feel very lost and don't know what to do. Any advice?
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-31-2004
Tue, 09-26-2006 - 6:02pm

I think that you need to steel yourself to give him some space while he figures things out becuase until he does, he's going to drag you back and forth in his searching process until he does. IF things are meant to be between you two, he will find his way back to you and you can pick up where you left off. IF it's not, then you will be better off not having someone who vacillates so violently from one day to the next with regards to you and the relationship.

He needs to figure out what direction his education and subsequently his career is going, first, so that he can be able to take care of himself and stand on his own two feet. He will not be happy with himself until he does; and if he's not happy, he surely cannot make you happy by extension. You will be far more miserable than you are now if you don't.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-05-2005
Tue, 09-26-2006 - 7:13pm
He may be more depressed than he lets on. Men can lash out on our loved ones when we're sad because we don't like to seem weak. This really is not you or the relationship he's upset with- it's his life. It really is up to you if you want to stay with him through his depression but I think if you're going to have a healthy relationship he's going to have to get help sorting out what's making him so angry/depressed. I think you should tell him how the way he's treating you is making you feel. Don't be angry about it- just be honest.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2004
Wed, 09-27-2006 - 12:15am

I believe that your frustration is caused by feeling so impotent in this situation. You're afraid of him hurting you again and you're afraid of putting a step wrong and upsetting him or wrecking the relationship.

Well, I'll say upfront that I'm the type of person who takes a bull by the horns. And in my dating days, I was ruthless when it came to breaking up a relationship. With this in mind, I'll suggest that you take the upper hand here.

If I were you, I'd come straight out and tell him that I don't like the way he's behaving at present. Tell him that he hurt you before and you won't have him hurting you again. And tell him (and mean it) that if he doesn't get his act together (or at least open up about his issues), you'll leave. Also, tell him that you'll only stay if he does something pro-active about his depression.

Try not to be a passive partner in this situation. Find the courage to seek the type of relationship you need.

Being ruthless when deciding whether or not to break up may sound harsh - but doing it has enabled me to find Mr Perfect. Because I wasn't wasting time with guys who weren't quite right.

Dress Up Games, Doll Makers and Cartoon Dolls @ The Doll Palace
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 09-27-2006 - 1:46am
Whether this is caused from depression, pressure of adjusting to school, etc., ambivalence about the relationship, any or all of the above, it's clear he's got a lot on his plate and he's having trouble handling it all. Why don't you take yourself out of the mix by suggest taking a breather? Set a time, a month or two, that you'll stay out of contact, giving him time to deal with himself without having to deal with you as well (not that you're hard to deal with, you know?). Taking one thing off his plate will allow him to focus more on the other issues at hand and get a grasp. At the end of the breather you'll know whether this was a relationship problem, an adjustment problem, a balancing problem, or a depression problem.


You can't stop him from hurting you again, it'll either happen or it won't, and you can't control whether you lose him or not either. Hard as it is to hear, if this is about him fading out of the relationship, he's going to do it whether you're in contact or not. I'm sure it's also occurred to you that the reason he went back and forth is because he's wanting out of the relationship but isn't quite ready to let go yet. Stepping away and focusing on your own life during a "breather" will give you a head start in moving on if that's what ends up happening. In any case, spending time focusing on yourself and your life, isn't going to be a bad thing -- for either of you.

Wouldn't a crystal ball be great about now? Or a little window on his forehead that you can see into his brain through?








~ cl-2nd_life

"Experience is what you get
when you don't get what you want."

~ Author unknown








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"