I am so frustrated with DH - venting

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-11-2003
I am so frustrated with DH - venting
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Thu, 10-26-2006 - 8:39am

DH and I have been married for 7.5 years. We have a 4 yr old and a 2.5 yr old. He is a very, very insecure person. He is emotionally abusive to me and everything in our relationship is about him. I just need to vent. We had an intervention several weeks ago due to his behaviors. He also has problems at work and never seems to be happy or successful.

I just spoke to him on the phone this morning and he hung up on me. I was not feeling well last night so DH reheated dinner for everyone. Tended to the kids (doesn't normally). Really tried to make sure that I was being cared for. He then got on the phone for 30+ minutes and I tried putting the kids to be but they wanted stories and the like and I wasn't up for it. I put them in their room and went into the spare room to get some sleep. DH was mad at me because I didn't say goodnight to him and tell him how appreciative I was for how much he did for me. I made a snide remark to him that he didn't greet me when he got home from work.

Then the day before he was also cooking dinner and he was in a pissy mood last night. He went on to tell me he resents me when he does anything for me.

Then I got invited to my friend's Pampered Chef party. Then a new guy's friend's wife called me to invite me to her Pampered Chef party. DH told me I have to go to his new friend's party because he wants to be friends with the guy. I said even though I got my friends invitation first?

Then I have a 4 day business trip planned and I wanted to add the weekend to it so I could see my father. DH says no because it is too hard for him and his mom (she watches the kids) if I am away. He says take another weekend and go see them. Well we don't have the money to spend on airfare to do that. Also when you are flying across the country for the weekend, you loose a lot of time to travel for the time changes.

I have started counseling. He goes back and forth with me as to whether he will go to counseling. I am just so tired of having to hold up the family. Last night I told him I wasn't feeling well and he kept telling me I was being ungrateful and grouchy. He tells me he has to protect himself from getting hurt and he has to know from me that I will be there for him. He feels I let him down constantly and is always on the lookout for the next time I will let him down. He just can't put up with being hurt anymore. I have to continually PROVE to him that I love him. If I do something he doesn't like, he takes it personally. I guess what he is really saying is that he wouldn't fight for me if I told him I had enough of his childish and immature behavior???

I am really starting to get tired of this whole thing but I don't think I can leave until we've spent a decent amount of time trying counseling. I also want to wait until the kids are in school fulltime so that daycare won't be so much of an issue. There will also be some other financial benefits if I wait a little longer.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-11-2003
Mon, 10-30-2006 - 11:45am

Thanks CL 2nd_life:

I'll look into all those things. I'm sure I'm in a classic abuse relationship. I believe he's abusive but I can't help but wonder if I am missing something or if I'm doing something wrong. I am being to selfish? Am I not meeting his needs? What? I obviously lack self esteem myself. I will work through this the best I know how to do. I worry constantly about my children. I see my son mimicking some of DH's behaviors but not too many. There is quite a lot of yelling and crying in our house. I don't believe it's overly healthy. The kids do love their dad very much. They do ask where he is if he's not home. They will turn to him if they want to play; however, more often than not they want me. DH even said that the kids need their 'Mama' more than him.

I used to dream that he found someone else and I always woke up sad. Now I dream he found someone else and I am happy but feel guilty about being happy. He always threatens to find someone else which I believe is why I have these dreams. I know things aren't right.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-22-2003
Mon, 10-30-2006 - 5:13pm
remember everyones situation is different. i have a 14 yr old who is his step-daughter. we have a huge house and what happened was he was ordered to leave by an order of protection. we had a very big fight one night and that was the last straw for me. i have a very good attorney and he helped me achieve alot. the order was for me to stay in the house and he lived in our camper. but after a while i agreed to let him move into the house and i found an apartment. i did that for several reasons. 1) you will learn that the bigger they are the harder they fall. my DH never knew how to take care of himself. in actuality bullies are truly weaklings. we agreed through our attorneys that he would stay in the house and relieve me of all my financial responsibility. though my name is still on the mortgage and the title. 2) i could not maintain the upkeep of the house. too big. this worked for us. you see once i filed the order of protection and he relaized that he was not in control anymore he "woke up". he was a big baby. crying all the time, which abusers will do. i held my ground. we have legal separation papers with everything split and guidelines to be followed. it was a devastating time for me. but i knew all along that it needed to be done. even as i write this to you now i go through the roller coaster of emotions. love was never a question for me. i always loved my husband. i knew he had severe issues from his childhood. he is a good man. he just has demons that need to be fought. i made the move because it was what was best for us all. he tried to talk me out of it saying he would stay in counseling while we remained married. but i said no. i miss my home so very much. i feel like this apartment is a hotel room sometimes. but i still have no regrets. even when i am at my saddest. we are working on rebuilding the relationship. i would not be doing that if he was not in counseling on his own. it is going to take years for him to change his way of life. and it will be an ongoing effort. like alcoholics. i also have to gain my trust in him again and so does my daughter. she is a bit adamant about the situation right now but i think she is just reveling in the 1 parent only situation. he did do some damage to her and i. it is going to take time to heal. we have been a family for 10 years. all i can say it try to get yourself some legal advice. stick with your counsling. as i said every situation is different. you may find yourself in a situation where you realize that you and your children are better off without him. or you may find yourself feeling proud of him someday if and when he sees the light. in the meantime be patient with yourself. you will teeter back and forth. these are not easy decisions. rely on people who are non-judgemental and who can be supportive no matter what path you take. cover your bases legally. eventually you will have to tell your DH of your decision to "take a break" from the "toxic relationship". and they are toxic.....because money was not an issue for me i chose to go the less volatile way. if i had a dollar for every butinski that said, dont let him get away with that or why dont you do this or that i would be a millionaire. but only you have to live with your decisions. i needed to bring much needed peace into my life. i have a wonderful friend who has been through some pretty serious stuff in her life and she tells me this: if you are in a situation where you feel that you cannot breathe then you need to change that situation. that can be something as small as an unpleasant conversation that you need to end or a living arrangement that you are suffocating in. but if it makes you feel like you cant breathe you need to make a change. does that make sense? i still feel that way now at times and i made the neccessary changes. these changes make us stronger. have a plan A and a plan B. if plan A does not bring positivity into your life than resort to plan B. and remember you are not responsible for HIS issues. He is. He will never learn that until he is in a position to say "hey what the hell is happening here" and he realizes he cant stop it. i wish you luck. whatever decision you make make sure you are making them for YOU. be strong and hold your head up high. give yourself credit for trying to make a better life for yourself and for seeking respect. you deserve it. if he doesnt see that and think that you are important enough to him to make changes in himself than he isnt worth it. and you deserve better.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 10-30-2006 - 9:06pm
The reason people say "once an abuser always an abuser" is because the statistics on abusers who change is squarely at 1%, and that percentage includes those abusers who attend focused abuser therapy. In other words, 99% of abusers don't ever change.


I feel I need to also point out that anger management is not effective in treating abusers, as abuse and anger management are not the same things at all. People with anger management issues have anger control issues with everyone, people with abuse issues focus on their victim to abuse. The outside world often sees them as wonderful people. Abuse is about how the abuser sees women, what he believes their "place" is, it's about entitlement, and that's not an anger management issue. Abusers can attend anger management, but it will not change the fact that they're abusive and it will not change their abusive ways. Saying that an abuser has "anger management issues" allows him to deny his problem, to soften it and make it acceptable, it lets him continue to not take responsibility for it. Experts in the field of abuser treatment urge that abusers actions never be called "anger management problems" for those reasons.


Sotodog, you have mentioned many things that indicate your husband may indeed have an anger management problem. However, it sounds like your husband is not willing to accept that he has a problem and is certainly not willing to deal with it by working in treatment. In that situation, it really doesn't matter whether his actions are abuse or "anger management problems", the result is that what he does to you is abusive, and if it is "anger" problems, it will still continue unless he's willing to deal with it. As long as he doesn't, you and your children are living in and being deeply affected by an abusive world, no matter what name you put on it.







~ cl-2nd_life

"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."

~ Author unknown

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"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 10-30-2006 - 10:17pm
Maybe it won't surprise you to know that the victim feeling she's to blame is absolutely classic too? It goes along with being blamed, with being yelled at, with *always* being at fault. A line I used to hear from him was "What's wrong now", in other words, I was the problem/had the problem. Even when you know how you're living and how things are going in the relationship aren't right, aren't healthy or appropriate, at some point you begin to wonder if it's something you're doing or not doing that causes this to continue to be a problem. I know in my situation I felt that it was so easy to have a healthy, appropriate relationship, it seemed to me that if I could just find the right way to say it to him he'd get it and it would all magically come right. It's also confusing because abuse runs in cycles. After an awful episode (screaming, blaming, whatever it is for you), there's a cool down period. Sometimes it's distance (like fear or uncertainty when you're around your husband), not much talking, sometimes the abuser is sooo sorry and spends this time telling you how sorry he is, that he feels so horrible for doing/saying what he did and promising it'll never happen again. After that, there's a calm, things get better; your husband is appropriate and engaged, things are good. This is the part of the cycle that sucks you into believing that things are getting better, that he is changing, that the bad stuff will go away. Then it starts again. Often it's something intangible, you can feel it, you're nervous, tense, worried about doing or saying the wrong thing, even though nothing's really happened, eventually, the blow up comes again and the cycle continues. Does that sound familiar? I have to tell you, I didn't see it as a cycle for years and years. I was so busy focusing on today that I didn't step back and realize that it wasn't just a slip after being so much better, it was a pattern. It's not your fault, Sotodog, none of it. There is nothing that makes abuse excusable. He has choices, and none of them should be abuse. He could walk away, he could do anything, but he chooses to react with abuse. You can't make him do that and you can't keep him from doing it. He reacts as he chooses.


Your child may only act a little like dad, but please stop and think, he's only four and he's picking up abusive and dysfunctional behavior. That's pretty impactful, don't you think? His root of "how to behave" is being formed now, and it's being formed to believe abuse and dysfunction is the way. Imagine how much more he'll use in years to come. Something else that's entirely predictable and typical is that when he gets to be around 9-12 he'll start treating you exactly like dad does -- disrespect, he'll call you names, he'll say the same things to you that his father does. He's learning how to treat women, what their place is, what level of respect they deserve. Both your children are learning how men are supposed to act and how women are supposed to act -- that women aren't equals and that women are worthy of abuse.


I hope I didn't make you think I thought your children clung to you screaming whenever he was around, that's not the case at all. But I doubt they trust him like they trust you, they've seen him angry, they're likely afraid of him at times. You are their protector, their caregiver, and when things get amped up, I'm betting it's you they're going to want; they'll be afraid to be in his care during those times.







~ cl-2nd_life

"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."

~ Author unknown

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"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-11-2003
Tue, 10-31-2006 - 6:30am

I am so scared. I don't feel I have the strength to go through with separation/divorce.

I've been feeling sick (just a cold) for almost a week. I haven't been feeling bad enough to stay home from work but just not 100%. I had larangitis for 3 days. This morning DH was telling me that he's tired of me being sick. It's getting old. He was asking me when the last time I asked him how he was doing? He didn't like that things have been about me for a week. Then he said I'm going and hung up because he was pissy.

Last night he was lying to DS telling him it was November and DS had to go poop in the potty. The agreement I made was DS was going to poop on the potty on his 4th birthday which is early November. DS goes to school every day and they learn the date. DS knew it wasn't November and DH kept telling him it was. This whole not pooping in the potty gets DH very angry. I was discreetly trying to tell DH not to lie about the date to DS but since I had squeaky larangitis I don't think I was heard.

I keep thinking these little things are petty but I know they are constant and add up. I do see how my kids react to things and I don't like. I see sometimes how I get mad at the kids because I am frustrated with DH. I really don't like that.

I don't have anyone to turn to here. My dad is across the country (although they said the kids and I are welcome anytime). My mother is relatively close by but that is another unhealthy relationship and I really don't want her support. My friends are all happily married and while the will support me it just doesn't seem to be the support I need (watching them happily married while I am suffering). I have one friend who left her abusive husband but she left her child behind. I won't consider that. I also don't know what to do with the kids. My MIL watches them while I work. I don't know if she should continue but I don't think we could be able to afford day care. I know DH and MIL will fight day care tooth and nail. How far in advance do you prepare? I've been told to copy all tax returns. I met a lawyer once through my employer's EAP program but I really didn't like him. Should I find a lawyer now? I am so scared. I want to make this work but I just don't know. I like being the optimist and believing that everything will work out. It kills me to think that it might not. I've told DH that I think our relationship is unhealthy for the kids and he doesn't agree at all. I believe that if I do leave it will be an ugly knock down fight and the kids will be used. One night last week, DH threatened to leave. He had his bag and started packing and I just sat there. Then he said that he was going to wake up one of the kids and to take with him. He wasn't going to leave me the house and both the kids. Then he started asking me why he was leaving when I'm the one who should be leaving. Then he was telling me to go to my mom's or anywhere because he didn't care anymore. Well no one ended up leaving but that's one reason why I think it would become dirty. I believe he will do whatever he can to protect himself even at the mercy of his kids. I hope to god I am wrong.

Thanks again for everyone's support. I know every situation is different and it's so much easier to see from the outside. I need to do what I can. I will know when I've had enough.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-11-2003
Tue, 10-31-2006 - 11:50am

I thought of one more thing. I don't journal unless I'm really, really upset. I tend to get a little wordy in my writing (in case you hadn't noticed). I don't have a very good memory and I dismiss many 'little' things. I have some emails between DH and I and some things I wrote to myself when he really made me mad. He hit me once when we were married and it's been several years but I do have pictures. I did call the police too but by the time they came he talked me out of doing anything. We said our son pushed the buttons of course I believe it was well after a child's bedtime. I certainly won't let that happen ever again. So how much is used/admissible in court in a divorce case? The only thing I believe he has on me is that we were out as a family at a steeplechase race and he was watching our son I had my daughter. She was about 2 yrs old and I lost her/she wandered away while my back was turned. She was lost for what seemed like forever but was maybe 5-10 minutes.

The only problem I have with doing this is it makes me feel like I am just looking for justifications to get out. If you are only looking for the bad stuff, you will only find bad stuff. How does one keep things into perspective? I believe most people who know DH would agree that his is really difficult. Sometimes I feel that maybe I get mad because I just am not getting my way.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-26-2006
Tue, 10-31-2006 - 1:53pm

Hello sotodog,

I'm so sorry for what you are going through. I remember being so afraid to leave my husband, but in time it might happen that you will know it is the thing to do and a plan will just materialize for you. For me, the last time he approached me for sex, I just knew I had to leave (after years of a very dysfunctional but pretty much silent marriage), and I told him and made my plans. Somehow, I knew it was time and I wasn't miserable or too frightened about it, like I had been previously. Warning: It took me 3 years of intense unhappiness to get there.

I sympathize so much with you regarding your DH's treatment of your son on the poop in the potty issue. Your DH doesn't respect you or the expectations of your son, and the situation is bordering on abuse, where someone lies and then tells the person who does not believe that they are crazy. I would definitely feel anger, resentment, and discouragement in this situation.

I am sort of at a turning point myself now, trying to leave a boyfriend behind (and we have some issues about my kids too), so I especially feel your pain. (I feel like a baby today, feeling so lonely and at odds with my former life plans.)

I hope you can hold on to your heart and mind and make it through without bumps and scratches.

--recreatingmyself

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 10-31-2006 - 11:42pm
Nice that your husband's so concerned about your health. Instead of understanding and caring that you're not well, he's upset that it's not all about him, that he's not getting his usual dose of attention. That makes you feel really cared for and cared about, doesn't it?

I know your situation isn't an easy one, and I know all too well how hard it is to see clearly from the middle of the situation. Things became much clearer for me when I took a look back at my marriage's past; what I saw was how many years it had been since things had been good, how many years I/we'd been battling the same situations over and over. It became pretty clear the moment I took that look. I understand feeling like you're looking for justification, and in thinking what you're concerned about is petty. What I find is most helpful in keeping me looking at situations fairly is to ask myself what I'd think if my friend's husband were acting this way, what I'd think if I watched this scene played out on TV, or what I'd tell someone who posted about the problem on the board. For my money, what you've said is not at all petty, not one bit. Your son being lied to is only part of it, and being lied to is beyond inappropriate for an adult/parent to do to a child. It's just plain bad parenting. It confuses your child, who's listening to the man who he's supposed to trust and look up to, it demeans the child and makes him doubt himself and/or be frustrated that his father will not allow him to be right when he knows he is. A very stuck, submissive place to be. The whole bathroom issue is one of control. Your husband's hell-bent attitude on getting your child potty trained is probably half the reason the boy is having trouble. Stress and trauma are voiced through "bathroom problems". Children who are in difficult, stressful, traumatic situations who have previously been potty-trained revert to incontinence. Putting pressure on a child to do it "my way" will likely have the opposite affect and cause more problems and phobias around going to the bathroom in the toilet than if the child were allowed to peacefully make the decision on his own in his own time. Your husband is trying to bully the child into doing it his way. Your husband further shows the lack of care and concern for his children by threatening to use them as pawns to keep you from leaving him. Waking up a child and taking him/her with him when he leaves would be an incredibly scary and traumatic event for a child. Imagine being suddenly awakened to be thrown into a dramatic, angry scene where you are being taken away by an angry, loud man. Even if he's your father, it's a very scary scene that will certainly leave scars. The fact that this man would even threaten to do this shows how low and how self-centered he is. What he's really doing in threatening this is controlling you. He's willing to use children to keep you where you are, he's banking that you'll care enough about the children's emotional well being that you won't want them to go through that. He's banking that you'd be willing to stay with him in order to protect them from trauma. Lovely guy. It's not about resolving problems, working together and finding happiness together, it's about using threats and intimidation and keeping things exactly as they are. You're not "just mad because you're not getting your way", ask yourself if you saw this play out for anyone else if you'd think the woman was in the wrong, we both know you wouldn't.


You're asking a lot of really good questions and thinking ahead. You're seeing that your husband will raise a stink and make this anything but easy or pretty. You know he'll use the kids, no matter what it does to them, just to get at you. I don't have to tell you that this is abusive behavior. No healthy, loving, caring, rational man would do this. If you didn't like the lawyer you spoke to, don't consider using him. You need to look for a lawyer who is well versed in dealing with domestic abuse divorce. S/he will be knowledgeable about the kind of game-playing your husband will dish out, will be able to respond appropriately and keep things moving in the right direction. S/he will also be able to anticipate moves he'll make and cut those avenues off before he has a chance to use them. This is not playing dirty, it is protecting yourself and your children. I would suggest checking out Womenslaw.org for competent help in your area. You'll also find many avenues for help and information on the site specific to your state. I would also suggest calling a local women's shelter or domestic abuse center for a referral to a domestic abuse attorney. They will have names and numbers of lawyers they recommend. Go through the Domestic Abuse Board's Homepage , there is much information there, including an entire section on legal and divorce concerns, and the effects of abuse on children. Post on the Dealing With Domestic Abuse board for their thoughts and suggestions on how it is best to proceed.

If he ever becomes violent or if you fear for your safety, do not hesitate to pick up your kids and leave immediately. If you do not have anywhere else to go, there is always a shelter that can take you in. Not your preferred place to be, I'm sure, but safe, understanding and so much better than being in danger. As much as you may not want to have to go to a shelter, there is a lot of knowledge there that can help you immensely. One way to keep your leaving from being an ugly, knock down, dragged out fight in which the children will be used is to leave when he's not home. You would be far from the first. In situations like these, you do what's best, not always what you'd prefer. And then, there's always your father, it would be hard for your husband to make much of a scene if you picked up the kids, boarded a plane and went halfway across the country, now wouldn't it? But, I would recommend talking to a competent lawyer knowledgeable in abuse and explain your concerns and fears, get his/her advice before taking those steps if you can. I need to reiterate here that if the situation is intolerable or if you feel you or your children are in any danger at all, do not stay -- leave immediately. In some states, if you leave the home you've pretty much lost it. You want to be sure that you don't do something out of ignorance that will hamper your chances and rights. Daycare and other concerns can be discussed with a lawyer too. You can find out what your husband will have a right to ask and what he won't have a right to ask. Your lawyer will know what is and is not admissible in court. That's the place to go for the kinds of answers you need to have.

Funny, I only journaled when I was really, really upset when I was with my ex-husband too. I found it a great source to vent my hurt, anger and frustration; it was really the only avenue I had as my husband wouldn't listen and wasn't willing to handle things in a functional way, and I certainly couldn't talk to my friends about it, I knew it was so far off "right" and "normal" that I couldn't face them with what my life was really like.







~ cl-2nd_life

"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."

~ Author unknown

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"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-11-2003
Wed, 11-01-2006 - 6:49am

Thanks again cl-2nd_life,

I might not be too sure of my emotional 'rights' but one thing I do very well is research before I make any decision. That is why I've already seen a lawyer after years of threats. I can 'talk' to people on boards and look on the internet. That way when I'm ready, I will know exactly what to do to give myself and my kids the best opportunity possible.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 11-01-2006 - 9:08pm
Good for you! And the truth of the matter is, whatever unexpected issues come up, you'll handle.


this may not apply to you, but for me, some of what kept me there was fear of the unknown, it seemed scary to get out there on my own and try to do it by myself. Then I realized that my husband was not a help or a support (other than financial). I realized that I consider him a shoulder to lean on when the reality was he was only a figurehead for support, just another adult body, which somehow spelled "support" to me. Looking at him as support was like looking at a Teacup Poodle as protection. All our problems were handled by me anyway, there would be no difference in doing on my own - I was anyway, except that I had to worry that my decisions would be deemed "wrong" by him. I finally figured out that it would be the same amount of work with less stress and I was right.







~ cl-2nd_life

"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."

~ Author unknown

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"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"

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