I broke up with him
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| Thu, 03-09-2006 - 4:44pm |
I posted a couple of weeks ago regarding a situation I was having my then-boyfriend. I am 4 years older than he is and we've been together for 3 and a half years. I'm 34. When I posted, it was because we'd decided to take a two-week break so that he could figure out why he didn't feel ready to get married, and I could think about whether or not I could be happy with us just moving in together.
When I posted before, the consensus of people on the boards seemed to be that if he didn't know if he was ready to get married after three years, he wouldn't know in two weeks. I also knew that to be true. I think I suggested the break so I could gather the courage to take the next step without having to give up hope.
Of course, when we saw each other again after two weeks, he admitted that he still isn't ready and tried to persuade me to move in with him. He seemed confident that if we moved in together he would want to propose eventually. I felt that if we moved in together, there wouldn't be any reason for him to propose. So I broke it off.
The factor that always comes up in these situations is the following. I really, really love him. And I know he loves me too. We talked about marriage a lot in the last year and he always said it was just a matter of time. He's not a commitment-phobe, he wants marriage and kids. I think he just wants them eventually, and he's pretty damn scared that his time could be now.
I would like to hear from anyone else who has been through a similar situation. This was not a bad relationship, he didn't cheat on me or mistreat me, he was loving and kind and while I do feel bad that he strung me along with promises that he wasn't ready to keep, I think that in his heart he was hoping that he would want it too when the time came. My request to you all would be, please be gentle with me. I'm really hurting right now. I'm not looking for assurances that he'll be back, but I would like to hear people's opinions on whether or not this kind of thing can ever work out for the best, and what I can do to move on and find someone who is more marriage-minded for my next relationship.

Welcome back, Speedyval ~ Because I'm at work I'm not able to read or respond to your post, but I peeked in and saw your post and I wanted to provide the link to your previous post so that others can have the benefit of better understanding and insight of your relationship and, as a result are better able to give you informed thoughts and opinions.
Speedyval's previous post can be found here:
Taking a break
~ cl-2nd_life"Experience is what you get
when you don't get what you want."
~ Author unknown
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
((((gentle hugs))))
I'm very sorry that you two weren't in the same place concerning marriage
I understand that this wasn't a bad relationship, that the relationship was good. Everything was great except one aspect, an aspect that is very important to be in agreement on. That makes the relationship harder to end but not any less necessary than relationships that are wrong in one hundred aspects. As long as your relationship went as it was, neither of you would be happy or satisfied. You'd want more, would be frustrated and would consciously or subconsciously let him know that. He'd feel pressure, discomfort and resistance to your push. Neither of you would be truly happy or satisfied, neither of you would be getting what you want. A Q & A article that applies to this situation from our Information and Resources section:
Unmatched ambitions
I don't think your relationship is necessarily hopeless. It's possible that he'll decide he's ready for marriage and will come back to you. In the meantime, what you're doing gives both of you the best possible chance to get what you want and need in life. You are able to open yourself up to new relationships and meeting men who are interested and ready for the same thing you are now. If he comes around to deciding he does want marriage and you're still available, great, you're back together and can move forward. But if he doesn't come to that you're out there where you can find someone who isn't *almost* everything you want but who is everything you want.
In moving forward, an important aspect is to stay out of contact with your ex. Here's an article that explains very well why that's important (despite the fact that it singles out "harmful relationships" the reasons for steering clear are important and make sense in any ended relationship, harmful or not):
LETTING GO OF HARMFUL RELATIONSHIPS I'm not sure you need them, but two articles on dating after a break up are:
Dating After a Breakup
Tools For Starting a Relationship
At this stage, it's important to keep yourself busy. Enlist the help of friends in helping you keep busy. Get out of the house even if you don't feel like it. It'll get easier soon enough and you'll have a jump start in having gotten yourself where you need to be.
As hard as it was, I think you absolutely made the right decision. You didn't necessarily end anything, you just opened up your chances of getting what you want and need. Your decision shows him clearly and plainly this is important to you for your life and it is not something you're willing to settle on. Staying tells him you will settle.... when you stay you are settling. You've set yourself on a path that will give you exactly what it is you want and need. That's a smart, healthy move and I know it was hard and very hurtful.
A book that might be good to read is "Are You the One For Me?" by Barbara DeAngelis I found it to be very enlightening, helpful and strengthening.
Huge hugs, Val. Keep us posted on how you're doing.
~ cl-2nd_life"Experience is what you get
when you don't get what you want."
~ Author unknown
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
Thanks for your wise words, cl-2nd_life, and you too, kimbirdy. It feels good to hear from others who think I handled things correctly, although it doesn't take away the frustration I feel that all of my hopes for my future with my ex have been taken away. I know that the fact that we didn't want the same things makes us ultimately incompatible, but it doesn't make it any easier to deal with the loss of him.
Why do some men get so spooked about getting married? My ex has happy parents who still are affectionate with each other and seemed to have fun together, he has several married friends, and he said he wanted marriage for himself. So why is it so scary and difficult for him to make that commitment to me after such a long relationship? I know the question I'm asking is cliche, but I wish I could better understand his point of view. Maybe we could find some middle ground...
"Maybe we could find some middle ground..."
Not sure if you are just thinking out loud or not but...
The only thing in the middle of being where you are now and where you want to be is an individual that is marriage minded that has acted on all the things necessary to get to the married part.
Peace,
Di
***If you cannot define yourself, your circumstances will.***
Val, I know it's not an easy place to be, not an easy thing to do. Dirextor's right, there is no middle ground, but I know you know that.
I don't think it's men who are always the ones who are hesitant to marry. Plenty of women (me included) are/were less than anxious to take that step. In your situation, it may not be that he'll never want to be married, it may be that it's just not right between you two - for him, anyway. I'm not saying he's faking it or that he doesn't care about you, but he doesn't seem to have the feelings that make him want to marry you. Case in point:
A woman at work lived with a man for five years, throughout the time they were together she wanted to marry, he hedged and avoided. He left the relationship, met and began a relationship with another woman and married her. My co-worker wails, "Why didn't he want to get married when he was with me", as though it was about timing and not about the relationship he was in. I really doubt that his decision to marry was based simply on his being ready, it was about his marrying the woman that felt right to him. If he was still with my co-worker, I believe he'd still be avoiding marriage.
It's lousy when one wants to move forward and the other doesn't. I'm sorry you're having to deal with it. I know it hurts incredibly; it's what you want, it feels right to you. I'm sorry he doesn't share your feelings.
~ cl-2nd_life"Experience is what you get
when you don't get what you want."
~ Author unknown
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
Sorry. My intention wasn't to deal you a low blow, even though I knew it wasn't something you'd want to hear.
**Don't read this paragraph if you were serious about not wanting opinions on the subject** The truth is men are very often willing to remain in a relationship that isn't ideal for them. It's also true that men often (not all) have lower expectations and standards for relationships and as a result are very happy to stay in situations that wouldn't be satisfactory to a woman. Men on this board have admitted to continuing to see ex-girlfriends for more than a year so that they could continue to have easy sex. They admit knowing the ex allows the sex hoping that it means their relationship will return when the guys have no intention of rekindling the relationship. Simply, it's easier to have sex with someone you know will say yes than to go through the anxiety and potential rejection of finding a new willing partner. I'm not saying your boyfriend has only been there for the sex but I am saying men and women very often see relationships very differently and their views on what is acceptable in a relationship are very different as well. We aren't the same beast.
As far as how you get through this -- Val, your break up couldn't have been more than a few weeks ago. It takes time. You were together for a long time, you had a long time to get used to him being a part of your everyday life, you won't get used to the change for a while, it'll take some time. Never mind that you have feelings involved, even discounting that we humans are creatures of habit, change is hard to adjust to whether it's good change or bad change. In the beginning you need to force yourself. Get out, do things, volunteer, take classes, join a gym, join a club, enlist the help of your friends to get you out and doing things -- and do them even though you don't want to. A change of scenery gives your brain new images to look at, new things to process and gives your thoughts other places to go. It jump starts you to getting over the hump and to the other side. You know how taking a walk can help you work through issues even when you didn't really think about those issues while you were out on the walk? It's the same kind of thing. I know it's not easy, and I know at this point you're very raw, very much openly hurting and it looks pretty bleak. Been there. It's awful. You don't feel like you'll ever feel better, be able to move forward or do anything but sit in a corner and cry. But it will get better, then it will get good, and eventually it'll be absolutely wonderful.
~ cl-2nd_life"Experience is what you get
when you don't get what you want."
~ Author unknown
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"