I came to vent, maybe others identify.
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I came to vent, maybe others identify.
| Fri, 04-14-2006 - 11:10am |
Let me start by saying I love my hubby very much. We have been together for just about 9 years. However, when we got together we were at the same level and place in life and wanted a lot of the same things. Of course 9 years have gone by and a lot changes over time. He has gained a bit of weight, and thinks he looks just fine. Not true. I am finding that I am not as attracted to him as I once was. The sex was never great, so I did rely alot on his physical attributes to get turned on. I have talked to him about this, and of course he is a bit defensive. Also, we have different ideas of what makes a person a success. I would like to keep our small handyman business to a reasonable size (us and maybe two helpers) He would like to get contractors license and go all out (very cost prohibitive) He can barely string a sentence together, I can see the extra work being mine since I manage the office. I would like to purchase income property, and have rentals for extra income (he agrees), that and the small business we already have would be enough for me to handle. I would like both of us to continue our educations, I am educated through the college level, he has not graduated high school. He believes his business makes him exempt from having to further his education. I believe education enhances business.
He never did fit the typical "type" that I usually attracted to, but I found myself with him anyway. He is wonderfully sweet, and funny, he is good looking, but just not the "type".
I find that I am more and more attracted to other men and do include those men in my fantasy life, because I would never cheat on or betray my husband. I find myself wanting to divorce just based on the lack of physical attraction. But that feels shallow. He is doing the best he can, financially he is a decent provider. He is a great daddy to our kids. I just don't feel it anymore.
I don't know if these so called problems are important enough to go as far as divorce. I know others out there have much more to deal with. I just need to sound off and hopefully this issue will resolve itself soon.
He never did fit the typical "type" that I usually attracted to, but I found myself with him anyway. He is wonderfully sweet, and funny, he is good looking, but just not the "type".
I find that I am more and more attracted to other men and do include those men in my fantasy life, because I would never cheat on or betray my husband. I find myself wanting to divorce just based on the lack of physical attraction. But that feels shallow. He is doing the best he can, financially he is a decent provider. He is a great daddy to our kids. I just don't feel it anymore.
I don't know if these so called problems are important enough to go as far as divorce. I know others out there have much more to deal with. I just need to sound off and hopefully this issue will resolve itself soon.

andyshotwife,
Hi there. I'm going to be a bit blunt, maybe even harsh, but my intentions are not to offend you. I am sorry if they end up doing just that though. Please remember that these are just my humble opinions.
While you believe that education enhances business and will probably get many how agree with you, I am living proof that that is not always the case. And so is my father. My father never went to college and now owns two companies that rake in more then a million a year each. He's done this by nothing but hard work, dedication and learning from experience.
I am Vice President of these two companies, I handle everything for my father, AR, AP, GL, taxes, payroll, HR, PR and even do the companies and my dad's personal federal income taxes every year. I never went to college and ironically math was my worse subject in high school. A very good friend of mine went to college for 6 years and she is a receptionist at a salon because she can't get a job in her field without experience and she can't get the experience without a job in her field.
Maybe instead of harping on his looks and weight, you should take up a hobby together that is physical, so he get's back into shape. I'm just kind of puzzled why you married him. The sex wasn't good, he wasn't your type, you had to rely on his looks to get arroused instead of just being attracted to him for the person he was. You don't sound like you think he's as smart or experienced as you. I guess I'm wondering why is all of this his fault?? He's just being him because that's who he is. You married him.
Pretty much your whole post is about how he isn't. Isn't this, isn't that. I have to ask what is he?? Have you ever stepped back and saw him for the man that he is, or just for the man that you think he isn't?
Best of luck,
defleppardgal
Defleppardgal
Welcome to the board, Andyshotwife ~
You said from the beginning that this was a vent, which is fine, understandable and very helpful when you're frustrated with an issue. However, issues rarely (if ever) just resolve themselves, and since yours is not one but many issues the chances are pretty darned slim. Since that's the case (and I'm betting you came here also hoping for some suggestions) I'm hoping you'll stick around for a while and *talk* with us, and in the process, get some suggestions and insights along with the ability to vent about your problems.
Defleppardgal made a great suggestion and asked some good questions, and it's a good place to start. What is good about your husband? Your relationship with him? I'm wondering too, how old were you when the two of you got together?
I have some ideas on thoughts and suggestions, but I'll wait to get more information from you before being able to firm them up.
~ cl-2nd_life"Experience is what you get
when you don't get what you want."
~ Author unknown
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
I should have been more thorough the first post. I should have been more "blunt".
In response;
"While you believe that education enhances business and will probably get many how agree with you, I am living proof that that is not always the case. And so is my father. My father never went to college and now owns two companies that rake in more then a million a year each. He's done this by nothing but hard work, dedication and learning from experience."
That is wonderful, you are both obviously very intelligent people that also possess good common sense and the ability to put that into practice.
"I am Vice President of these two companies, I handle everything for my father, AR, AP, GL, taxes, payroll, HR, PR and even do the companies and my dad's personal federal income taxes every year. I never went to college and ironically math was my worse subject in high school. A very good friend of mine went to college for 6 years and she is a receptionist at a salon because she can't get a job in her field without experience and she can't get the experience without a job in her field."
My husband really cannot advance without school. He cannot spell. He can barely read. He has gotten better at math because he deals in fractions all day. (tape measure) However, we are beginning to lose money and the ever valuable repeat business. He is licensed as a handyman, but will take on any job that comes along. Even contractor scale work. But refuses to get his contractors license because he knows that he cannot pass.(his words) He wont even try. He will not even look at the books we got. He will not turn down any job offered to him like the tile job he just took on. It is a very modern layout and all the lines across three walls had to match up with the lines on the ceiling in the shower, and then continue out of the shower stall into the bathroom in the same manner. He has screwed this up so badly that the customer has had to change his design a bit to accomodate us. This is better than having to year it down and start over. All because he looks at it one section at a time stressing over such trivial things that he misses the planning stages, and the layout. He will never do these things first. He has no tile experience, and should not be doing it at this time. This is not his only screwup with tile.
"Maybe instead of harping on his looks and weight, you should take up a hobby together that is physical, so he get's back into shape. I'm just kind of puzzled why you married him. The sex wasn't good, he wasn't your type, you had to rely on his looks to get arroused instead of just being attracted to him for the person he was. You don't sound like you think he's as smart or experienced as you. I guess I'm wondering why is all of this his fault?? He's just being him because that's who he is. You married him."
I would love to take up a hobby with him that was physical, in fact when we first got together he liked to camp and hike with me, and we used to go on long walks together around our neighborhood. He will not do these things anymore. His idea of entertainment is to sit in the movies and have snacks. (this is how his dad spent QUALITY time with him and so now it is written in stone, MOVIES = QUALITY TIME). He also has taken up the fine sport of the xbox 360. This is time with our children.
"Pretty much your whole post is about how he isn't. Isn't this, isn't that. I have to ask what is he?? Have you ever stepped back and saw him for the man that he is, or just for the man that you think he isn't?"
So here we are at what my hubby is,
He is an honest, hardworking, sweet man. He is a wonderful father. He would never lie to me, cheat on me, or raise an angry hand to any of us. He can be thoughtful, if hinted to. He is very handsome, just not my normal "type". He loves me with all his heart. Of course I step back and look at the man he is, or I wouldn't still be married to him. We have just grown so apart over the years, I do not know how we are to drift back together. I do not want to be a second mother to my husband, so I give him room to make mistakes, he just never learns from them, and continues to make the same ones over and over. He believes he must do it all or nothing. Black or white. Always or never. Life just isn't that easy.
andyshotwife,
Hi there. I wanted to apologize for being so blunt in my first post. I wasn't having a good day and after listening to Dr. Laura I am amazed at how many women just think so lowly of their own husbands. Your post just got me in a tail spin. I'm sorry for not getting the whole story before attacking. :)
As for the getting him from the TV. I wonder if you were to walk up to the couch, give him a big smooch and say something like "Hey, my sexy husband, let's take a walk and see where it will lead after." what his reaction would be. I know my DH would jump off the couch and be out the door before I had a chance to blink. hahaha! Maybe pack a lunch one Sunday afternoon, take a blindfold and tell him you have a surprise. After he's blindfolded take him to a park, have lunch and then walk around. Use your imagination to get him out of the house. I bet after a few times it's not going to be as hard as you think. If you he bulks at the idea, give him a big hug, look him straight in the eye with a loving look and say "Please do this for me." Not too many men can resist that. :)
As for the kids and the TV. Maybe to get him away from the 360 you make it a rule that it's only for 30 minutes, then after that 30 minutes you all go outside and play catch with the kids or go to a park or something. I bet after a few times both your husband and the kids will realize that it is fun. He's got to learn that quality time with the kids needs to be that, quality, not sitting infront of something that is taking the attention.
I guess my main wonderment (is that even a word, hahaha!) is that if he starts being more of a man and father in actually getting results from you and the kids as a real family if he'll straighten out more at work. It's weird how the power of structure has an effect. Good example, my DH wasn't bonusing at work, he was just not getting loans in and closing them enough. We had talk after talk after talk about how he needed to bring in more money. Finally I decided that talking was overrated when your faced with someone who isn't getting it, so I decided to start using my "women" power. I started making dinner everynight, having it ready and on the table when he got home, I was doing all the cleaning, having the house picked up when he got home. I get up early every morning and take care of all the animals and make his lunch everyday, so all he has to do is get up. Trust me, it hasn't been an easy adjusment as I work full time too, and I have had those thoughts of "I do everything". I started making up stuff to do to him, like Easter for example. I colored eggs and made up a color key, like for all the pink ones he finds he gets a kiss, for all the blue ones a massage, etc. It has taken a few weeks, but you should see the bonus checks DH is bringing in. If we wanted too in 3 months we could pay for a new truck in cash. hahaha!
Course, with all of this I could totally be talking out of my butt and it might not work. Well I think the TV and kids thing will, but maybe not the work thing. If your husband just doesn't get life, then maybe you should look into making sure that you and your DD is taken care of by you and you alone. Your choice. :)
Best of luck,
defleppardgal
Edited 4/16/2006 2:18 pm ET by defleppardgal
Defleppardgal
It sounds like there's a lot going on; it seems like it's not so much that you're dissatisfied or disappointed with his educational level or his current capabilities as it is that you're reacting to his choices and goals and how they affect you. It appears that his choices and goals are in direct contrast to his current abilities, yet he seems to be in denial about that. He won't help in the office (it's not within his capability to do so) but he wants to take on more/different work that would dramatically increase the workload in the office -- meaning it would all dump on your lap. He wants to pursue his dreams without having realistic goals in place to make his dreams realistic and workable. Currently, he takes work that's beyond his capabilities. And when a handyman doesn't do good work, he gets a bad reputation and that's bad for business. I can imagine how frustrating and how stressful this situation is for you. I also wonder how much of your personal relationship with him would change if he took a realistic, rational approach to his business. As it is, I can only imagine that the more disappointed, upset and frustrated you are with him in the business realm, the more disappointed and distant you are in the personal realm.
The best time to approach problems and issues like this is at a time when there's not conflict between you. Talking about it when you're at odds with each other only creates a defensive attitude and a fight. If you haven't approached the work issues at a time when things are smooth between you, I would highly recommend it. Tell him you have some concerns that you need his help with, approaching it that way will put him in the "help" mode rather than the defensive mode. I would also suggest keeping the focus of your discussion to one topic. If you try to take on the whole work thing -- the added work he's proposed, taking on work that's beyond his capabilities, becoming a contractor (how if he wouldn't be able to pass the test?) the added time and responsibility required of you, etc., the conversation will become overwhelmed, unfocused and nothing will be resolved. Lots more upset, anger and frustration will come out, but not resolution. I'm wondering too, during past conversations, have his abilities (reading and writing and beyond) been discussed or are they avoided? There are some very good articles on constructive arguing in our Information and Resources section:
Verbal Fencing With Someone You Love
Ten Rules For Fair Fighting
Dos and Don'ts For Fair Fighting
Conflicts - Points to Remember
I also think it would be a very good idea to seek the help of a counselor who's accredited in couples counseling to help you navigate through these conflicts and rebuild your relationship. I think outside help is probably needed at this point. What do you think?
~ cl-2nd_life"Experience is what you get
when you don't get what you want."
~ Author unknown
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"