I can't take this lying anymore!
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|Sun, 06-05-2011 - 11:46am|
My husband and I have been married for almost 12 years and I'm starting to lose my wits over his pathological lying. The things he's lied about have varied, starting early on in our marriage with my discovering a bunch of e-mails sent back and forth to an attractive ex with no mention by him of being married, and with him agreeing to meet with her for drinks (which supposedly he never did because I caught him beforehand). The next one revolved around porn, after realizing it was a big secret indulgence for him I actually started taking him to porn expos and bought a bunch of movies and would watch with him...only to find out years later that he'd been spending 5-6 hours a DAY during work looking at porn.
The last half of our marriage the lie has revolved around weed. We used to smoke together, I developed panic disorder and chose to stop, though I don't mind if he indugles on occasion. We do have a child now, so I don't want it in the house and don't want my kid (or my cars for that matter) being driven around by someone who's stoned. A couple of years ago I found out he'd been lying about smoking pot on a very frequent basis, usually in his car during work or right before picking up our son from daycare. He was getting cash back at the gas station to buy his weed, making it look like he was just getting gas. I pleaded with him to just be honest, I don't mind if he wants to go out back after our son is in bed once a week or so, I just hate the secret life. I feel so left out and betrayed. He felt he had somewhat of an addiction, blamed it on mommy issues and started weekly therapy. He recently decided to cut back on therapy because he's "doing so well" but I started to see the signs that he was smoking again. Forgetfulness, clumsiness, red eyes, constant munchies (he usually doesn't snack at all, it's a dead giveaway). I ask him gently every now and then and I get scolded because I can't trust him. Well, yesterday I found weed in his work stuff. I knew it, so yes I was looking. I confronted him right away and he denied it as always. I told him where I found it and now that he didn't have an out anymore, he tried saying it must have been old, he hasn't smoked in forever. Well, it was wrapped in a flyer with a date of March 2011 on it! I mentioned that and then it turned into, "well, I don't do it often", blah blah. Constant backpeddling, he as usual can't just admit to anything. The only way I EVER find anything out is by going into CSI mode and it's turning me into a paranoid freak. I just hate being lied to! I feel like, if he can't be honest about smoking pot...what the heck else is he hiding?!
I realized after last time I caught him that my mind is slowly building up a defense mechanism to make me not care as much when he lies. In effect, I'm losing my respect and my love for him, I'm forcing myself to so that I won't be hurt by his lies. I never want to be intimate with him anymore because I have all of this pent up anger inside. Everyone tries to tell me it's not a big deal that he smokes weed. I KNOW THAT! Which is why I don't see why he needs to lie about it?! I feel like he's throwing our marriage out the window by constantly choosing to lie about things when I've told him next time it happens I'm done. I'm just so frustrated. I'm really at my wits end. I can't trust him at all about anything, which irritates him because I always question things, but if I don't it eats me up inside. He's a great dad to our 3-year old and an otherwise good husband...he cooks, cleans, works and provides half of our income, but I just can't get over this. Am I completely overreacting? Thanks for letting me vent!