I can't take this lying anymore!

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-13-2003
I can't take this lying anymore!
11
Sun, 06-05-2011 - 11:46am

My husband and I have been married for almost 12 years and I'm starting to lose my wits over his pathological lying. The things he's lied about have varied, starting early on in our marriage with my discovering a bunch of e-mails sent back and forth to an attractive ex with no mention by him of being married, and with him agreeing to meet with her for drinks (which supposedly he never did because I caught him beforehand). The next one revolved around porn, after realizing it was a big secret indulgence for him I actually started taking him to porn expos and bought a bunch of movies and would watch with him...only to find out years later that he'd been spending 5-6 hours a DAY during work looking at porn.

The last half of our marriage the lie has revolved around weed. We used to smoke together, I developed panic disorder and chose to stop, though I don't mind if he indugles on occasion. We do have a child now, so I don't want it in the house and don't want my kid (or my cars for that matter) being driven around by someone who's stoned. A couple of years ago I found out he'd been lying about smoking pot on a very frequent basis, usually in his car during work or right before picking up our son from daycare. He was getting cash back at the gas station to buy his weed, making it look like he was just getting gas. I pleaded with him to just be honest, I don't mind if he wants to go out back after our son is in bed once a week or so, I just hate the secret life. I feel so left out and betrayed. He felt he had somewhat of an addiction, blamed it on mommy issues and started weekly therapy. He recently decided to cut back on therapy because he's "doing so well" but I started to see the signs that he was smoking again. Forgetfulness, clumsiness, red eyes, constant munchies (he usually doesn't snack at all, it's a dead giveaway). I ask him gently every now and then and I get scolded because I can't trust him. Well, yesterday I found weed in his work stuff. I knew it, so yes I was looking. I confronted him right away and he denied it as always. I told him where I found it and now that he didn't have an out anymore, he tried saying it must have been old, he hasn't smoked in forever. Well, it was wrapped in a flyer with a date of March 2011 on it! I mentioned that and then it turned into, "well, I don't do it often", blah blah. Constant backpeddling, he as usual can't just admit to anything. The only way I EVER find anything out is by going into CSI mode and it's turning me into a paranoid freak. I just hate being lied to! I feel like, if he can't be honest about smoking pot...what the heck else is he hiding?!

I realized after last time I caught him that my mind is slowly building up a defense mechanism to make me not care as much when he lies. In effect, I'm losing my respect and my love for him, I'm forcing myself to so that I won't be hurt by his lies. I never want to be intimate with him anymore because I have all of this pent up anger inside. Everyone tries to tell me it's not a big deal that he smokes weed. I KNOW THAT! Which is why I don't see why he needs to lie about it?! I feel like he's throwing our marriage out the window by constantly choosing to lie about things when I've told him next time it happens I'm done. I'm just so frustrated. I'm really at my wits end. I can't trust him at all about anything, which irritates him because I always question things, but if I don't it eats me up inside. He's a great dad to our 3-year old and an otherwise good husband...he cooks, cleans, works and provides half of our income, but I just can't get over this. Am I completely overreacting? Thanks for letting me vent!

 

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Avatar for ukgirl82
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-17-2005
Sun, 06-05-2011 - 4:00pm
You're not overreacting at all, I think you both need to acknowledge that this is more than just "somewhat of an addiction". It IS addiction - not just the pot but also the porn. And just like with any addiction, you can't go back to doing it "once and a while". In his case, it IS a big deal that he smokes weed. He needs to accept that pot and porn need to be cut out of his life completely because he's incapable of only using them moderately. He obviously has a very addictive personality and I don't think he's taking it very seriously - until he does, it's never going to get better.

I'd also like to point out that one of his positive qualities you mentioned is that he "works and provides half of our income"... I'd like to remind you that he spends the vast majority of his work day looking at porn! I'm amazed he hasn't yet been caught and fired - or at least been fired for simply being unproductive, because how does he get any work done if he's spending 5-6 hours watching porn at work?! Regardless, I really think it's only a matter of time before he gets caught - at the moment he is playing a very risky game at work and that puts you and your child's welfare at risk too, since you half rely on his income. Is that really what a good husband does? Can you really count the fact that he works and provides half the household income as a positive quality when he puts himself at such risk for losing his job without a thought or consideration for how it would effect you and your child?
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2008
Sun, 06-05-2011 - 7:46pm

EXACTLY.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-13-2003
Sun, 06-05-2011 - 8:10pm

I totally agree, I have brought up the risk numerous times. He supposedly stopped with the porn after I caught him, but perhaps transferred the addiction to pot. He works for a very conservative small company and actually has been getting his weed from another guy he works with. If the owner had any idea they'd not only both be fired, he ruin any chances of them ever working again in their industry. We have a friend who's a cop who told me the statistics about more people getting caught (or even worse, killed) driving stoned than driving drunk. I tell him about all of these risks and he stops for awhile (again, supposedly, what can I even believe anymore), but always starts back up again. I don't think he truly believes it's a problem, he tells his pothead friends that he doesn't smoke because of me, that I won't let him. His biggest excuse right now is that it isn't very often. That to me sounds like a addict right there. I just feel like, if he doesn't recognize it's a problem, and obviously counseling didn't work, I've threatened to leave him over the lying before and he picks it right back up over and over, are there any more options left??

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-24-2008
Sun, 06-05-2011 - 11:02pm

You are not overreacting.

"The key to good decision making is not knowledge. It is understanding."
Malcolm Gladwell Blink

Community Leader
Registered: 05-14-2001
Mon, 06-06-2011 - 1:56am

A belated welcome to the board, Jenw77 ~

You're not overreacting, not at all. This is more than "just" lying.


~ cl-2nd_life

cl-2nd_
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-13-2003
Mon, 06-06-2011 - 10:37am

You are all exactly right, and it feels so good to hear that I'm not crazy for feeling the way I do. To make things even better, I decided to check his phone last night looking for who he might be getting his pot from, and instead I find porn. Awesome, the one thing I thought I wasn't worrying about at this point. I don't mind him looking at it every now and then as most men do, but I have a feeling it's more than that. That's not even what bothers me most though, it's just the lying in general. I got him to fess up to a lot of the pot details last night and I just about flipped a lid when he admitted to smoking pot while driivng home from work! Who does that?! Even as a reckless teenager I would pull into a secluded parking lot for fear of getting caught. If he got pulled over, there goes our car, his job (he works in outside sales and requires a clean driving record), and I'm sure he'd be in jail where I'd let him rot as long as they'd let me. I blew up, I was yelling and crying and he just kept telling me it's not that often. I finally clarified what that meant and it was "about 5 times a month"...which to me translates as probably every other day at least. I asked why he can't wait until he gets home and just go out back after our son is in bed, and he said it's too late to smoke at 9pm, he won't be able to sleep, blah blah. Two seconds later he admitted to smoking almost every night after our son went to bed while I was out of town for 2 weeks. I asked what time that was around..."oh, 8:30 or so". WTF? So he can handle the 8:30-9pm timeframe if I'm not around, but if I'm here it's too late. In effect it makes me think he needs to be high to be around me? He of course denies that but what else am I supposed to assume? Grr. So, I just e-mailed his therapist who he's obviously also been lying to. I told her what I found out and that next time he's in I'd like her to help him decide whether he wants to save his marriage and go to rehab or if he'd prefer I just kick him out right now and save him the trouble. I can't do this anymore.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-24-2008
Mon, 06-06-2011 - 12:15pm

You'd be surprised how many people smoke pot on the way home from work, drink on the job, in denial that it'll be okay because it's been okay however many times so far.

Personally, knowing what I know at this stage in my life I wouldn't have called his therapist.

"The key to good decision making is not knowledge. It is understanding."
Malcolm Gladwell Blink

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-06-2007
Mon, 06-06-2011 - 12:45pm

"You are going to raise a child with the type of man who thinks nothing of risking everything to smoke pot in the car on the way home from work while driving."

Sadly, my sister's boyfriend does this too with their 4 year old. She is so far in denial that she claims it's better for him to smoke because he doesn't lose his temper with his son.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-04-2006
Mon, 06-13-2011 - 10:35pm
Threatening to leave isn't going to motivate him to "change" because you've threatened before and you're still there. He knows you're just "blowing smoke" (so to speak), so he knows even if he keeps smoking pot and using porn you'll yell a little bit but you won't ever leave. The only way for you to make him see you mean it is to actually leave. But of course, he knows you won't.

It's also not up to his therapist to get him to "behave". He wants to smoke pot and use porn and he will continue to do so because he wants to and because he doesn't think those things are wrong. But I can guarantee that empty threats or telling his therapist won't get him to stop. Only HIS sincere desire to stop will get him to. Nothing else.

Maybe someday he'll reach his "bottom", whether it's you finally following through with your threats to leave, whether it's losing his job or his license (and then his job), or something equally bad. Maybe then he'll actually decide to clean up his act...or maybe not.

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