I desperately need help!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-17-2005
I desperately need help!!!
18
Thu, 08-18-2005 - 1:48pm
This is my first time to this site. I will be turning 23 in a couple of
months and I am in a serious relationship with a 26 year old man. We
have been together for nearly 5 years (come Nov.). For the past three years
he was away at school so we had a long distance relationship and he would
come home every chance he got to see me and spend time and I would go out to
see him whenever my schedule allowed. Before he left to go away for school
he thought that we should buy promise rings for each other to show our
commitment to each other...more so his commitment to me and that he
wasn't going anywhere. We didn't have any trust issues or problems in our
relationship before he left for school or while he was away...we were
very happy together. In many ways it's like we're already married, just not
living under the same roof. We have a joint account together and
support each other financially. Right now he has currently graduated this May
and has been home since. We spend nearly everyday together. He isn't
currently working and I am...therefore I am supporting us at this time. He lives
at home with his mother and I live at home with my parents. We spend
nights together and are always together. Well that's our background...now
here's the problem. He has a female friend who he has known for about ten
years or so. They have remained in contact for all these years and she resides
in the UK. Well, last August when I went out to visit him at school I came
across an email that she sent to him when I went to use his computer and his
email account came up automatically. I asked him what the email was about and
he told me it was basically her telling him that she was in love with him
as more than a friend and she was jealous of me and the relationship that
me and him have and he told me to read it if I wanted to and I did. She
also went on to state how she just wanted him to know and that she can cope
with his relationship with me just as long as she doesn't have to come in
contact with me again (she spoke to me once on his cell phone) and how she
doesn't want to cause any trouble for him or make him have to choose between me
and her but she just wanted him to know how she felt. He said that he
didn't respond whatsoever to the email because it wasn't the first time that
she told him this and he doesn't feel that way towards her and that him not
responding should prove that to her and how she already knows the way
that he feels about me...therefore I left it alone. January of this year, he
received an email from her that I read stating her flight arrangements
to go out and see him at school for a weekend. I approached him about it and
he said that he had no idea of her making such plans and I told him that I
didn't want her going out there. He told me that he would contact her
and tell her that she wasn't to come out there. We experienced a lot of
arguments during that time and he told me over and over again that she
didn't come anymore. We had problems over that entire situation up
until about March. I believed him when he told me that she didn't come out
there and I had moved on from the situation and he continued to have contact
with her. We were getting back to where we left off and were happy again
together. We had booked a vacation for the two of us to take in the
beginning of August (this was the very end of June). Well, he spoke to
her and mentioned our vacation together and the very same day she emailed
him pictures of when she went to see him at school. He looked at the email
when he was at my house and I saw a glimpse of the pictures of them together
in his room. I confronted him about it and he tried to avoid me about
it...anyway about a week later he came out and confessed to me that she
showed up on her own after he told her not to come and she thought that
she could see if there was still some chance for the two of them. He said
he told her that would never be possible and that he plans on spending his
life with me and he's very happy in our relationship and he told me that
nothing happened. Well, I told him I wanted the friendship to be over and he
told me he didn't want to do that because he has minimal contact with her as it
is and there was nothing for me to worry about...so again I left it alone
and moved on. Well, we went on our vacation and have a great time together
and the night we returned she called him. He told her that he was unpacking
with me and that it wasn't a good time to talk, but continued having a
conversation for about twenty to thirty minutes with him...I didn't say
anything. A couple of nights later when he was taking me home she
called again, and again he told her he was with me and it wasn't a good time
for him to talk to her and for her to call back in about thirty minutes
after he dropped me home and again she tried to hold a conversation with him and
he cut her off and told her to call back. I confronted him about it and
asked him why she had to be calling so late and why did he have to talk to
her without me around. He said that he just thought it would be
disrespectful if he spoke to her in front of me because he knows that I don't like her
and also because I would be nosy and want to know what they were talking
about. We argued, and she ended up calling back and he wouldn't answer the
phone so she kept calling and finally I picked up the phone and started talking
to her and let her have it. I told her how I felt about the entire
situation and how she was very disrespectful, etc. Well, she told me that as far
as what he was telling me was different from what he was telling her as
far as it was planned between the two of them to see each other in January and
some other things. After I finished speaking to her I gave him the phone
thinking that he would end the conversation with her and explain to me what was
going on but instead he talked to her for about an hour and had me
waiting...they spoke about me and whatever else and he answered all questions that she asked him. When I finally got him to get off the phone with her I
started asking what was going on and he told me he didn't want to talk about
it. The next day, I confronted him about it again and we argued again and he
told me that there's nothing going on between them and I'm acting as though I'm
trying to compete with her and I don't have to because he's with me.
Then he told me he'll have an answer for my by Friday (tomorrow) on what he
wants to do as far our relationship and I guess her. I don't know what to do
anymore...I'm tired of fighting with him and he doesn't see that she's
causing problems in our relationship. He always sees it as though I'm
overreacting and exaggerating things. Please help me...am I losing my mind? Am I truly worrying about nothing and taking things out of context????

Pages

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 08-19-2005 - 4:35pm

Got it on the money.


I agree with you on what your issues are -- lying and the fact that he believes his actions to be (both in lying and in the "friendship") to be proper and acceptable. He very likely does love and care for you, but that doesn't change his beliefs. Just because you care for someone doesn't make you compatible (see Square Pegs in Round Holes located in the Information and Resources section).

The reason he thinks that by you pushing the issue of him ending his friendship with her is trying to control him and his life is because that's exactly what you're trying to do. Think about it, he believes what his actions were appropriate and correct, you do not. You want him to change his thinking, his belief and his actions -- that is trying to control him!





~ cl-2nd_life

"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."

~ Author unknown

my signature exchange partner:

Crisis Center: Rape and Suicide








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-17-2005
Mon, 08-22-2005 - 9:48am
Just wanted to give an update as to what was going on. We talked on Saturday and he told me that he was truly sorry for the way that things had gotten totally out of hand. He said how me not speaking to him all of last week and him having time to really think about things he realized that he was risking losing me and that wasn't what he wanted at all. He said that he was ending his friendship with her because he knew that I was serious about walking away if he didn't and he didn't want that to happen and she wasn't worth it. He said he knows that she would end things on her own anyway after all that happened and things that I said to her. I told him that I couldn't trust him at this point and that he would have to work on building my trust back up in this relationship. But I made him aware of the fact that if he chose not to end it with her that I was definitely considering walking away. I told him that I'm not going to put up with this situation with her or any other female ever again and that it won't even be a second thought for me to leave if it ever happens again. He said that he was going to work on communicating with me better and not lying about things and not shutting down on me whenever I came to him with a problem or issue in our relationship. He said how he missed me so much because I wasn't there for him last week to talk to and how he loves me so much and he will always love me. At this point we are doing much better after we cleared things up between each other and he honestly knew that I was dead serious about things. I am really trying to move past this whole situation and not reflect back to it at all. I'm going to try to work on not mentioning her and leave things in his hands and see what happens. I told him that if I find out that he's lying about ending things he definitely going to lose me and he said that that's not an option for him and he's not going to do that. So I'm just going to ride it and see what happens. All this weekend he's been telling me that he loves me and I haven't been reciprocating any feelings back to him. I want him to know that he can't back that easily to where we were and that I'm still hurt about the situation and still have my defenses up somewhat. But I believe that we're going to get back there, slowly but surely. And thank you for lending an ear and for all the advice...I did hear all of it and take it in.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 08-23-2005 - 12:41am

Ti-Ti, I hope everything goes wonderfully for you, I really do. If you think I've liked sounding negative to every post, you're wrong, but I don't think I'd be doing you any good to pretend things sounded better than they did. I would have liked nothing more than to tell you I thought this was no big deal, that you'd get through it smoothly and that things would turn out wonderful in the end, but indications were that this was a big deal and, when issues involve differences in morals, values and character there's little that is going to change.


It seems like he's gone from one extreme to another, and honestly, drastic changes are warning signs -- people don't change their thinking or their beliefs that quickly. He's gone from telling you you're over-reacting and exaggerating and not seeing that his relationship with this girl is a problem (even though he lied to you in the process) to being sorry for what he's caused you and *realizing* he was risking losing you. Here's hoping he was somehow brain-dead and that he woke up (and I'm sure you know if he's prone to changing his beliefs and point of view quickly), has learned his lesson and won't go there again, but chances are that he's reacting to the short-term withdrawals that come from not having you in his life this past week, the same kind of regret and thoughts that go through the minds of everyone who breaks up. If his changes are a reaction to that, if he's more interested in getting you back than really making any changes in what he thinks about "friendships", his change will last a very brief time, just long enough for him to feel secure in your relationship, then he'll begin to relax and go back to his old habits. The reason is that changing because someone else wants you to change isn't enough for you to make the change. Unless the change is something you don't like about yourself and you are ready, willing and able to do the very hard work that goes into making a real change in yourself, it's not going to happen. The key is in what his goal is -- changing himself or keeping you. Great that he's going to work on communication and not lying to you, what specific things does he plan to do to help him be successful? We all have things we need to work on, but until we have a plan to make the change happen, nothing changes.


When you say you've not reciprocated his telling you he loves you and that you want him to know that he can't get back to where you were that easily and that you're still hurt about the situation and have your defenses up I hope that doesn't mean that your behavior is in any way (even slightly) a punishment for what he's done. If you honestly feel hurt and defensive, then acting as you feel is appropriate, but if you're withholding to pay him back, that's the wrong way to go.


I'd also really urge you to reconsider your decision to not reflect back to it at all and to try not to mention the incident. I do, however, think leaving dealing with her up to him is the right course of action. He's the one who has to make the change, it needs to come from him alone and if he doesn't do it, that should serve as proof positive that he's not as genuine as you'd hoped. As for steering clear of the subject, I have no doubt he'd like nothing better than to forget it ever happened, however, you've been hurt and hurt deeply. Keeping it locked in or trying to forget it happened isn't healthy for you and isn't helpful to your relationship. "Forgetting all about it" gives him the message that he's off the hook and that it wasn't that big a deal. It gives you the message that your feelings aren't important or valid. Your boyfriend violated the core of your relationship and while he may not have had a physical affair, he was unfaithful to you, in word and actions. The following articles may help you see that dropping the issue may not be the right way to go, and may give you some understanding of the kinds of things you should be insisting on to help with healing and to begin to regain trust:

Getting Over an Affair
Healing From Infidelity
Recurring Memories of Spouses Affair

Another article that might be good for you to read is:
The Truth About the Power of Love


I hope everything turns out perfectly and that you're completely and totally happy together for the rest of your life. In the meantime, I urge you to think in the rational rather than emotional mode (what you see and think vs. what you'd like the situation to be)and let a great amount of time pass before you make any forward movements with this relationship -- I'm talking a year or more. If the relationship's right waiting won't hurt a thing, and if it's not right, waiting will be the best thing you could have done. Best of luck for great happiness, Ti-Ti.





~ cl-2nd_life

"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."

~ Author unknown

my signature exchange partner:

Crisis Center: Rape and Suicide








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-17-2005
Tue, 08-23-2005 - 8:38am

I think that the distance that we had from each other last week did wake him up a whole lot. We're both so used to spending every day together or at least talking to each other about how our days went. So I think it was a wake up call for him as to how things would be if I didn't stay around. I believe that he will do what he's telling me this time because I warned him that I'm not going to put up with it again whether it be with her or any other female or him lying to me and he knows that I was dead serious about it. I know him well enough to know that when he makes a decision about something and decides that he's going to do it, he always does it. That's one thing that he's never let me down on, his promises...if he promises me something will happen I can hold him to it that it will definitely happen.

I didn't mean my behavior towards him as far as not reciprocating my feelings for him as a punishment. He's been telling me over and over this weekend that he loves me and I can't say those words to him right now because I'm still hurt over the situation and I don't want to say something that I'm not feeling right now. Don't get me wrong I love this man with all my being and he knows that I do, but he just wants to hear me say it to him and I can't right now.

I'm not saying that I won't reflect back to the situation ever...I just don't want to have it on my mind all the time. If something happens or he does something that I'm not comfortable with I'm going to address it then, but I'm not just going to bring it up for the sake of bringing it up. He knows that I'm still upset about it, because I am still a little (only a little) withdrawn from him and I'm not doing all that I used to do anymore for him. He's been the one making more of an effort. I believe that this time it was definitely a reality check for him and he realized that I wasn't going to deal with it anymore and I let him know that. By me not having contact with him all of last week he had his time and space to think things through and what he wanted...so it was definitely a decision that he made all on his own...I didn't push him to do it in any way.

I believe that things will begin to get better for us and I think things like this only makes us stronger and learn from our mistakes. I don't believe that he's just doing it to satisfy me for right now so that he can fool me into thinking he did end things and it won't happen again so that I can stay in this relationship. I believe that he's serious about it and wouldn't be stupid enough to do something like this again and know that he would take the chance of losing me for real. We all have our opinions or see things differently, but I think that I know him best and know that he's serious about what he's doing or going to do. Thanks again for the advice...

Peace,
Ti-Ti

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-12-2005
Tue, 08-23-2005 - 8:54am
I wouldn't want to be with a man who makes me uncomfortable. I would want to be with a man where he just did what he was supposed to do, and everything was normal. If I have to spend this much energy talking and worrying and asking him is she just a friend, it's not worth it in the end irregardless of their relationship. But honestly I think they have a long distance relationship going too.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-23-2005
Sat, 09-03-2005 - 11:55pm

Greeting Ti-Ti

good luck with this.. sounds like he was cheating and lying but hey you want to give him another chance? you sound like a very generous and kind person.

the feelings you have tell you to try again so go with that. but i would definatly check up on him to see if he actually followed through on his promises. how to do that i don't know. but if your gut starts tapping you on the shoulder, do not ignore it!

AB

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-03-2005
Sun, 09-04-2005 - 12:04am
I think that you have the right to know everything. And, if he really loves you, even though he may not want to end the "friendship" he has with the other girl, he will do it for you, as my fiance Daniel has done for me, with the guy he cheated on me with. What you do is up to you, but you deserve better than what he is giving you. I hope that things work out for you, and I'm sorry I couldn't have been of more help!
Jase
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-17-2005
Tue, 09-06-2005 - 2:26pm
He has ended his friendship with her. He hasn't spoken to her since the whole incident as far as I know...because he gives me the option to check his phone if I want to. He can't call her because he can't make international calls on his phone and she hasn't called him. She usually text messaged him in order to get in contact with him and she hasn't done that since the incident. He's given me the password to his email to check it if I want to and I checked it last week and saw that she forwarded him some long email about waking up and realizing things aren't always what you want them to be or some crap. I deleted it because he hadn't even seen it yet being that he checks his email at my house. I then went to block her email addresses from sending him any messages and saw that he had already done that. So I know that he is serious about the situation also. I know that he is committed to me and he's been showing that to me alot ever since we started working things out. He doesn't hide things or his emotions from me anymore. He definitely knows that I mean business this time around and that I won't put up with it again and he's even said that he doesn't want to ever risk losing me and he's been proving him self up until this point. He spends all of his time with me and does little things for me that he had actually stopped doing because of the distance she created between me and him because of the tension she caused in our relationship. Things are a whole lot better now and I believe that they will only continue to get better, so I definitely think that I made the right choice by sticking with him through all of this and going about things the way that I did.

Pages