I don't know what to do anymore...

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-24-2003
I don't know what to do anymore...
18
Thu, 03-09-2006 - 10:54am

I have been with my boyfriend for over a year and a half. I love him very very much. We live together in a house and he is a wonderful person and we get along great. When we first started dating, he wanted to wait to have sex. It was a little frustrating...he waited two months. I thought it would never happen, but it did.

However, over a year and a half has passed and I have never seen his penis, nor has he let me touch it or give him oral sex. We do have good sex with orgasms. He has no problem with erection or ejaculation. Lately we have sex about once a week (for me I would like it to be more).

My main concern is that I have tried to figure out if anything is wrong with him down there. I'm so not judgemental, I told him if there was anything wrong, we could work it out. I've offered to go to a therapist with him. He doesn't want. Whenever I try touching him down there, he wont' let me and I persist and ask him a million questions as to why. I've even told him that we are not going to marry or have a baby until this is resolved. He keeps telling me it will be resolved soon. I have been very patient, I think, but now I think it is going to affect our future. I dont' know what to do or what the problem is here. Also, he tells me that I am pressuring him when I ask him all these questions. So it makes me feel like it's my fault.

I know our sex life could be so much more intimate if he would let me see him naked. I'd love to take showers with him. He still locks the door when he's in the shower. I'm so upset about all this.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-27-2004
Thu, 03-09-2006 - 8:42pm
Why would his problem be resolved "soon" if it hasn't been resolved in a year and a half? I'm really sorry, but your boyfriend has some hangups that he's not interested in dealing with, and you are the one who's losing out because of it. If this is enough for you, then you'll be fine; if you want a more physically-intimate relationahip with marriage and children, you will probably have to look eleswhere.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 03-09-2006 - 10:38pm

Welcome to the board, I_Sandra28 ~


I have to say I think Geo nailed it, she said exactly what I think; it's pretty clear he's got some deep issues that he's not willing to deal with. He may have hoped/wished they'd go away shortly after moving in together, but he found out they didn't just vanish like he probably hoped they would; issue don't just disappear. You can't make him deal with it and he's made it clear he isn't interested in dealing with it. It seems he hasn't even been able to tell you what the problem is. How can you deal with a problem when you don't even know what the problem is? But do please be well aware that you being aware of what the problem is or not does not play any part in resolving it. This isn't your problem, it's his and the only way it will change is if he works on it. You can accept it, not accept it, pressure him, leave him alone, threaten him, not be bothered by it at all, none of those things will have an effect on it. Nothing will change until and unless he wants it to change and is ready to take steps to make it change. I don't see that there's any indication he's remotely ready to do that, and it's very likely that he'll never be ready to do anything about it. In other words, he'll probably be exactly like this for the rest of his life. Your choices are to happily accept him as he is - no change desired or required or move on to find someone who's emotionally healthy.

One more thing you should be aware of, you mention you're having sex once a week and you would like it to be more frequently. My assumption is that all along you've wanted more sex than him and that once a week is probably more often than it's been up until now. You need to know that the frequency of sex will decline as your relationship continues and will certainly decline if you marry. It's likely he's having sex on a weekly basis to keep you happy and in the relationship. This isn't what he prefers for himself and he won't keep it up. If you're not satisfied with the amount of sex you're getting now or the kind of freedom and sexual behaviors you're having (which you should be able to have with a sexual partner), you're going to be dissatisfied and frustrated as long as you're in a relationship with him. He's got issues, you want more - and rightly so. This isn't going to resolve. I know it's not what you want to hear, but it's the way it is, sorry.







~ cl-2nd_life

"Experience is what you get
when you don't get what you want."

~ Author unknown








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-24-2003
Fri, 03-10-2006 - 8:22am

Thanks for the words everyone. When we first started dated, I'd say for several months, we had sex at least 3 times a week. We actually work for the same company, and I'm guilty of this also, we are often tired. I think we can both work on the number of times we do it. I know he's up for it, but when it's 9 at night and we've just got done doing our chores, it's hard to get going in the bedroom. THat is something a lot of couples deal with.

However, yes the hangups are a problem. He is not spontaneous because of his hangups. We have talked a lot about children and marriage. He says he wants it all. I feel that he is sincere. Everything else in our relationship is great. If he could losen up in the bedroom, things would be so much better. I wish he could go see a therapist. IT's gotta be something deep rooted.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-27-2004
Fri, 03-10-2006 - 8:44am

How clear have you been with him about the fact that this is a make-or-break issue with you? If he isn't aware that you're at the point of asking strangers for advice, then telling him so might help him realize that you are very serious in your concern for him and for the relationship.

Everything cl-2ndlife said is true: he doesn't see any reason to change, the problem will just get worse as time passes and he feels more secure in the relationship (ironic, isn't it?--you'd think feeling more secure would help him get over his issues, not cling to them more tightly), and it's not a problem you can solve for him, because it really has nothing to do with you.

There are all kinds of ways the medical profession can help him. I hope his love for you and his hopes for the future are stronger than the fear that's holding him where he is.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-24-2003
Fri, 03-10-2006 - 9:04am
Well I have told him that we cannot marry of have a baby before he solves his issues. We are leaving tomorrow on a week long trip, where he says his "breakthrough" will happen. I don't believe that. I am going to tell him after the trip that if he does not seek therapy either alone or with me, that I cannot stay with him. As much as it breaks my heart because I love him so....But I have been extremely patient. And don't get me wrong, I am willing to wait on him working things out. Even with help, I dont' expect things to change the next day. However, If I saw that he was making the effort to change things, I know there would be hope.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 03-10-2006 - 10:01am

This isn't an issue that couples counseling can help -- at least not for a very long time. This is a deep seated issue that was present long before you came on the scene. He has to deal with it personally, alone in therapy to get to the bottom of it, you have no place there. Waiting for him to resolve this is fine, but you need to set some bars. You need to have in your mind exactly what kind of improvement you need to see and what dates you need to see them by; otherwise it will be very easy for years to slip away while you wait for improvements that never come and/or while you're encouraged to stay by weak, superficial improvements that seem to indicate more improvements to come, but they never do. Realize that if his goal is to keep you and not to really resolve the problem for himself he may be able to make some slight changes to achieve his goal (keeping you), once that goal is met, his improvements will cease.


Geo said, "I hope his love for you and his hopes for the future are stronger than the fear that's holding him where he is." It's a good sentiment, but I think it's off the mark. His love for you won't push him to make these changes for himself, but the realization that the issue is creating major problems in his life might. Seems like a small difference, but it's pretty big, I think. If he loves you he may want to change, but the hard work that change demands requires a dedication that can only come from deeply wanting the change for yourself, whether your s/o stays around or not, you've got to want the change for your life, not to keep someone with you. If he doesn't want it strongly enough for himself, he won't be able to do it for you. Make sense?








~ cl-2nd_life

"Experience is what you get
when you don't get what you want."

~ Author unknown








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-24-2003
Fri, 03-10-2006 - 10:16am
Am I fighting a losing battle? Is it over? Will he change. I do appreciate your advice and I do agree with it. I'm just wondering if I should just give up now...
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Fri, 03-10-2006 - 10:38am

I have to say, my first thought was that he wasn't circumsized (or had a botched one) and looks different and had to endure a lot of teasing, etc because of it. (I'm not sure if guys in a locker room would have teased....) Could be that girls he's been with before had issues.... All speculation on my part.

I don't think it's quite as big of a deal as everyone else thinks. I think if he can get over the initial issue and "share" that with you, that a lot of what has been bothering you will go with it. If he's still uncomfortable after you know the reason why, then I would say that he's in need of MAJOR help.

Jen

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-24-2003
Fri, 03-10-2006 - 11:07am
well you know that would make a lot of sense. I'm sure if that's the case its difficult for him to get over. I've even asked him on many ocassions if anything is wrong down there...i wouldn't leave him because of it....he's said that there's absolutely nothing wrong down there.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-27-2004
Fri, 03-10-2006 - 12:09pm

I don't see why a "breakthrough" would suddenly occur next week, after 18 months of no breakthrough--I'm guessing he has some kind of fantasy going on of how he will feel relaxed and comfortable, and it will just happen. Maybe you could encourage the breakthrough by asking what part he wants you to play in it: if you're supposed to wear glamorous lingerie, or have music playing, or something, you could be sure to be ready with what he's expecting.

As to this not being a big deal (no offense, Jen), I think it is. You feel it's preventing the two of you from having true intimacy and free, spontaneous sex, and on that level, you're disappointed in the relationship. If you think it's not going to change, it will cause you to look at the future differently. And I do agree with cl-2ndlife that the ultimate push for him to change has to come from him--I was just thinking that if he is concerned about losing the relationship, that anxiety might get him past the hump of agreeing to counseling and attending the first session.

All that being said, I wanted to return to my question to you way back when: does he understand that this is a deal-breaker? If you are saying, "I won't marry you or have children with you as long as you have these hangups," he can interpret that as, "I will stay forever, but we just won't have a wedding or offspring," and that might be enough for him (despite his claim that he wants marriage and children). I am asking if he understands clearly that if he continues this way, you will leave. You are talking to us about ending this relationship. If you are serious, he needs to know in unequivocal terms.

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