I don't think I am in love

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-30-2004
I don't think I am in love
7
Sat, 02-06-2010 - 1:47pm
I have been with my h for 20 yrs, we never got married, sorry for those that might offend, but I never wanted to get married. We have two beautiful children and live a modest lifestyle, He works out of the country where he is away for 2months and back for 1 month, it is very hard on the relationship, When he is back we holiday, we socialize, we drink, he wants sex, sometimes I do sometimes I don't. But I don't call him, and don't really miss him. When I don't want sex he gets angry and explodes. I don't blame him, but I just don't have those kind of feelings for him. I am a stay at home Mom and therefore do not have an income of my own, If I were to sever the relationship I would have to depend on him for support until I could get employment and I have been trying but no one wants me. I feel stuck, and I don't want the children to resent me if I were to leave the relationship. Complicated with him away too. He has provided us with a great life and has always been very supportive and loving. I just don't have that loving feeling for him, should I go for hypnosis and tell her to make me appreciate and love someone who is so dedicated to me. I know the road without him would be so more complicated. I think this is what all the woman back in the day went through when divorce was so taboo, they just stuck it out, now everyone does it as a norm.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-18-2009
Sat, 02-06-2010 - 2:07pm

If you're not married then why does the concept of divorce worry you?

How long have you been looking for a job? Employment is going to be your ticket out of this relationship.

Hypnosis doesn't work the way you think it does. That's not a solution.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-06-2007
Sat, 02-06-2010 - 3:05pm

"I just don't have that loving feeling for him"

Can you describe what you think this feeling should feel like? What part is missing to you?

Do you love him or do you mean you aren't "in love" with him as your title indicates?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 02-08-2010 - 2:54am
Welcome to the board, Ichaldaily ~

I'm sorry you're dealing with this.

I'm wondering the answers to the questions that Sienna asked and am also wondering besides not wanting sex, what it is that's lacking in the relationship? It's pretty easy to see that a relationship that routinely has you apart for two months at a time could easily fail and have one or both of you moving emotionally apart from the other. What don't you like about him? What problems do you have with him when he's home? I know you said you don't call him, does he call you routinely while he's out? You said he gets angry when you don't want sex. How does he approach you for sex? Is he respectful and romantic? Engage in plenty of foreplay? I'm asking because if he's in the "grab and go" mode, I don't know of anyone who would be interested or turned on by those methods.

While I've asked these questions, please don't think that I'm not willing to accept that you've simply moved on and are no longer interested in continuing the relationship. If you're done, you're done and I have no problem with that; I don't think there's need for any reason other than "I don't want to continue" if you want out. But, sometimes there are things that can be worked on to resolve the issues and bring the relationship back. I just want to be sure that you're not interested in trying to save the relationship before encouraging you in another direction.










"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"

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"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-14-2009
Tue, 02-16-2010 - 9:35pm

I think that contrary to what someone else speculated, that being away from each other can add exitment when you do see each other. In my experience, my husband and i grew more and more in love when we were apart for long periods of time. We actually "yearned" for each other, and i don't use the word lightly.


iVillage Member
Registered: 07-29-2002
Wed, 02-17-2010 - 12:05am

Being that there were times that my DH and I were separated, due to the nature of his job (he was in the military, and deployed most of the first half of our marriage). I can understand where you dont have the desire to be intimate with your DH, especially since you spend most of your time celibate and independent of the relationship. It is hard to turn on the desire and intimacy on command. Since you mentioned that you two do not communicate with each other while he is away. I would suggest that you look into communicating more while apart, to maintain/rebuild that bond between eachother. If that doesnt start to improve the relationship between you two, then yeah I would find a way to leave too. But if you can rebuild through communication, you may find that the relationship comes back as well.

What you are describing is very common in military marriages. When you are faced with extended absences, you learn to become independent and do things on your own. It is very difficult to adjust back to being a partnership. And if you are only given a month in between separations, it is almost darn near impossible to adjust back to the partnership. So, you just stop adjusting. Not just emotionally and mentally, but physically as well.

Hypnosis is not going to help with this situation. But perhaps a counselor that can teach you both how to communicate effectively might. Even if you start on your own and try to implement new communication, it would be a start in a new direction.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-15-2009
Sun, 02-28-2010 - 9:26pm

I think the job is interfering here...he is gone a lot.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-22-2007
Mon, 03-01-2010 - 4:00pm

>>If you're not married then why does the concept of divorce worry you?<<

I think it's more about a broken family than the D word.

I've been defacto for 18 years and have two children. If I were to consider leaving, the emotional difficulty would be no different to if we were formally married.